by Ava May
Her body had been changing and growing and she had no idea what was going on. Hormones were raging around her body and causing massive explosions of different sensations. It seemed like everyone else knew what was going on and she was left alone, cast away in a lonely sea of confusion. All the pretty girls started talking about boys and sex and in gym class Carrie eavesdropped. It was all cloaked in mysteriousness and innuendo, and it made Carrie's heart beat with anticipation for her first time. But it wouldn't come until much later than high school. She was bigger than all the other girls and she knew that others knew it too. She felt ugly and unattractive. Every morning she would look in the mirror at the lumps on her body and wonder why she had been cursed by the fates while other girls had the perfect skin and the perfect smiles and those sweet supple breasts that perked up and greeted everyone with a smile. Self-esteem ebbed away every day and doubts tore at her mind, dragging her down until she wallowed in self-pity and confessed to herself that she would always be alone because nobody would ever love her.
That was even before the bullying started. The girls and boys all talked and they all started sniping at her. It started with a few small comments but they got more and more nasty and cruel until Carrie was reduced to tears. Her pillow was always wet at night and in the dark hours of midnight she thought how easy it would be to just stop everything and end her life.
But she never could.
The teasing continued. The days became an endless drag and she walked through them as though she was drifting in a mist. There seemed to be no end to them, all she knew was that she was unlovable. Then, one day, some boys from the football team followed her home and called out to her in an alley. They were the best and brightest of the school, heroes to everyone else as they carried the team to another record-breaking season but in that moment Carrie stared into their eyes and knew that they were villains. They licked their lips and prowled at her like wolves, moving in for the kill. Carrie wanted to run but her stumpy little legs wouldn't have carried her far, and there was no way she could have escaped those athletes with their big strong muscles, their tight torsos, and their rigid cocks, filled with a dark lust.
“We thought we'd do you a favor. No-one else is going to fuck you so we thought we'd let you lose your virginity to us,” the leader said as they stalked up to her. Carrie shook her head and tried to scream for help but she was trembling with fear and her words came out like a squeak, which only made the boys laugh.
She fell to her knees when she felt the wall behind her because she knew there was nowhere else to go. The three boys towered above her and as they encircled her they blotted out the sun, and all became dark.
Then, suddenly, they yelled as they were hauled back. Carrie dared not lift her head but if she had done she would have seen Danny swoop in and throw them all about. Carrie had seen him around but he had always been a loner, turns out they had that in common. He sent the other boys scurrying and then spoke softly to the trembling Carrie. She looked up and saw the sun shining behind his head, but she was the only person to see him as good.
After that nobody bothered her again although nothing happened to the boys, nothing bad anyway. They ended up going undefeated and getting scholarships. Carrie tried to put her pain down in a book and within a year of finishing high school she had finished her first novel and was soon starting her second, but she didn't have faith in the material or in herself and it languished for years until she was able to find a publisher. In the meantime her friendship with Danny flourished although it only remained a friendship. In her early twenties she finally started to date and have boyfriends. He had one-night stands. Every one of their partners remarked how strange it was for the two of them to be friends, and they didn't seem to believe Carrie or Danny when they said that nothing romantic had ever happened between them.
But even through all that Carrie still struggled with self-image issues. She'd tried losing weight but could never seem to shift enough, and it didn't help that she felt worthless in life because she hadn't achieved her dreams and was approaching her late twenties without having accomplished anything of note.
That's when Martin had come along. They'd met randomly at a bar and to her surprise he took an interest in her. He was a little older and had a steady job and he knew exactly what he wanted. He told Carrie that she was the most beautiful, sexiest woman in the world, and while at first she didn't believe it she was soon convinced that he meant it after their first time together because he was like a wild animal, ravishing her with a primal savagery. She had never been made love to like that before and she enjoyed it.
He was very strict through and quickly took control of the relationship, making it clear that if she wanted to be with him then she would have to go at his pace, not hers. Early on she was still trying to get her book published, having finally worked up the courage to send it off to publishers, but he told her that it was a forlorn dream and sometimes these things just weren't meant to be, that there were other ways of being happy in life. That's when he told her that he knew of a job in his company. He pulled strings and Carrie got it. Then he asked her to move in. It had been a whirlwind but Carrie couldn't refuse. She never thought she'd have someone be so interested in her and want to build a life with her, and she was grateful for that.
Laying in bed, Carrie had the covers pulled tightly over her. Martin came into the room and slid in next to her. The familiar heat of his body seeped through to her own as his arms wrapped around her. He started to kiss the back of her neck and his hot breath washed down. His hardness pressed against her.
“Not tonight, baby. I'm feeling kinda tired,” she said, closing her eyes and nestling into the pillow. Martin continued to kiss her.
“Come on Carrie,” he whispered in her ear, “you're so sexy I just can't help myself,” he said, his hands moved around her breasts and squeezed, and he started to peel away her clothes.
“You love me don't you,” he said.
“Yes,” she found herself saying in a breathless whisper.
“And you want me?”
“Yes.”
“And you want us to make each other happy?”
“Yes.”
“Then let's make each other happy.” Her eyes clamped shut as she felt him enter her.
“Yes,” she said, as they rolled around under the covers, cloaked by darkness.
Chapter 3
The following morning Carrie was looking at herself in the mirror. Her skin had bruised where Martin had held onto her tightly, and in the cold light of day they didn't look like marks of love. But she told herself that Martin was enthusiastic, and it was just a sign of his uncontrollable desire for her. That's how she always explained it away, and Martin always made sure to leave his marks in places that were covered by clothes. She dared not tell Danny about what Martin was really like, and she only admitted it to herself deep down inside, and only when she was alone, for when she was with Martin it was easy to forget the ways in which he took control, and how he often expressed his love in hard and cruel ways, ways that hurt her, ways that reminded her she was unlovable and unattractive, that tapped into her adolescent doubts and fears, the ones she had yet to grow out of, the ones that she was afraid would always be with her like a specter haunting her as she walked through the graveyard of life, always whispering in her ears, never letting her settle or be happy.
Just after she and Martin had made it official Danny had expressed some concerns that things were moving too quickly and that he was pressuring her into being with him. Danny had asked her point blank whether she actually loved him or not, and although at the time she had said that she did in her heart she knew that it was a lie, and even months later after they had been living together for a while Carrie still didn't know whether she loved Martin or not. But then again what was love? Was it equitable with happiness or contentment, or was it simply feeling safe and secure with someone? Or was it just having someone to be there to take care of her. The last one fit her and Martin, and s
he hated herself for taking the easy way out but it was the only way out of loneliness.
She didn't think that Danny believed her but he had never pressed her for it, although he had come close, and her relationship with Martin had caused a lot of friction between the two of them and she tried to keep the two spheres of her life as far from each other as possible. It didn't always succeed and when she was forced into arguments with one or the other she hated on. On the rare occasions when the of them had met there had been palpable tension between them and she feared that at one point she would have to choose between one or the other. It wasn't the idea of being forced into a choice that provoked such feelings, but the fact that she wasn't sure which man she would choose.
Martin had been dropping more and more hints that at some point she would have to excise Danny from her life but she knew that was wrong, for Danny was the one man that had stood by her through everything she had gone through and he was her only true friend. But Martin was the man that was planning to marry her, to build a life together with her and she wanted that badly, for if she didn't marry Martin then she couldn't imagine that anyone else would want her.
It was a sorrowful existence and Carrie's heart was filled with a deep melancholy, one that was inescapable, no matter how often she looked up to the stars and prayed for some salvation. So instead, she endured it and excused Martin's behavior. If that was how he wanted to express his love then she would allow him to do so.
Things with Danny were becoming difficult as well. She was worried about him. While her life had been filled with change his was stagnating. He'd been working in the same garage ever since high school and seemed to have no ambition to give himself better opportunities in life. His relationships were always infrequent and impermanent, and it saddened her to think that he was going to be swallowed up by life without ever having really lived at all. It was her worst fear realized, and she hated the idea of Danny suffering from it.
But it seemed like there was little she could do apart from go on and continue stumbling through life, hoping that somehow it would all work out for the best, because that's what life always seemed to do.
Work was hard and stressful and over the course of the following few weeks she had less and less time for Danny, so their interactions were done mostly via text. But every night she saw Martin and cuddled up to him. Some nights they made love, other nights he made love to her, but always he made veiled references to the future.
“I told you that this would happen,” he said after Carrie replied to another text from Danny, “this is what life is like. It happened with me as well. I had a great bunch of buddies that I used to hang out with all the time but I got myself a job and other responsibilities while they kept goofing around and eventually we just went our separate ways. I think that's one of the problems with the world. People keep trying to hold onto things when they need to let them go. Not everything has to last forever, and that's perfectly fine. Better to leave something when it's golden rather than watch it twist and fade into bitterness. And you think it's going to get any better? Danny's not the type of guy to want to come around here and play with kids. He wants to go to bars and drink himself until he can forget about the emptiness of his existence but you won't be able to do that when you're a mom. You'll have too much to do. Please, I'm not trying to get in between the two of you I'm just trying to show you what's going to happen because it'll hurt you more in the long run.”
When they had first met, Carrie liked the fact that Martin was older. He spoke with such authority about things and it seemed like he knew all the mysteries of the universe. She liked the idea that a man with such experience saw something in her, something that set her apart from all the other women that flung themselves at him, for he was handsome and successful and there were no shortage of people blinded by the glow of his success. But as time went on his 'advice' became less helpful and more sanctimonious. He spoke as though he knew best in all things, including her relationship with Danny, and that was one area in which she didn't appreciate him interfering.
Chapter 4
The days and nights rolled by. The sun and moon performed their eternal dance among the twinkling stars. Martin continued to needle Carrie about Danny. He rolled his eyes whenever she sent him a text or called him on the phone, and Danny was getting annoyed at her as well for he felt like she was being kept captive, and nothing she said reassured her. Then, one day, while at work she was on the way to drop off some important files to Jodie, when she overheard Martin's voice coming from the office. To this day she can't explain why she stopped and listened at the door. It wasn't something she usually did but there was something in her gut that told her to listen to what was being said.
“Are you sure about this? You've been piling the work on her. Why are you trying to make her work so hard, is this a way to fast track her to a promotion because it's not going to work. All you're going to do is burn the poor girl out,” Jodie said. Martin snorted with a laughter of derision.
“This isn't about work. I'm trying to keep her away from a bad man. Trust me, this is what's best for her.”
“Well, you know her better than me, and you're the boss, but if you give her too much more there are going to be questions asked by the others. People are already gossiping that she only got the job because of her relationship with you.”
“She did,” he said bluntly, “she gets everything because of me and that's exactly the way she wants it. I'm going to work her until this guy leaves her life and then I'm going to ask her to marry me and there's going to be no-one to stand in our way.”
Carrie gasped and almost dropped what she was holding. She turned away and ran, only knowing that she had to get out of there as quickly as humanly possible. Her mind whirled with horrid, dark thoughts, and she didn't know what to believe, but she was forced to face the truth about her and Martin's relationship and she didn't like what she saw.
When Martin returned home that night he acted like everything was normal but he knew something was up when he went into the front room and found Carrie sitting on the sofa with her hands folded in her lap.
“Is everything okay?” he asked.
“I'm not sure. I'm not sure of everything anymore,” she said.
“Sounds heavy. What happened? You left work early. I'm a little hurt that I didn't hear it from you.”
“There's a lot of that going around,” she said. Martin looked at her with a quizzical expression on his face. He sat down beside her and tried to take her hands, but she pulled them away and stood up. Martin's expression twisted into something dark.
“What's going on?” he asked, spitting his words out in a staccato rhythm.
“I overheard you in Jodie's office. I know everything. That I only got the job because of you. That you're the one who's been giving me all this work, all to come between me and Danny. Who do you think you are? You don't get to choose who I'm friends with. I'm my own person!”
“Yes you are but I know what's best for you. I'm your future husband. We've talked about this. I'm only doing what's in your best interest. You won't end your friendship with that animal so I have to do it for you, and in the meantime you're getting a lot of work done which can only help your chances at getting a promotion when your position is reviewed at the end of the year. I'm only doing this for you so don't act like I'm the enemy or something, just calm down. Frankly I think I'm due a thank you.”
“A thank you?!”
“Yes. You know as well as I do that we shouldn't have a man who has been in jail around our kids. I certainly wouldn't feel comfortable leaving them with him and if this is the only way to get him out of your life then so be it. I don't regret anything I've done. Soon enough he'll show his true colors. He'll throw you to the side like every other man has done. I'm the only one that stands by you. I'm the only one that's going to be there until the end.” And as he said that Carrie knew that inside Martin lay a horrible, deadly beast, and it was as though he transformed before her very eyes
. She saw the cruel malice in his face and the way that he held himself like a bird of prey, ready to swoop down and pick at her carcass. She saw the way he had manipulated her into giving up her dreams and moulding herself to the image that he wanted. She looked down at what she was wearing. Clothes he had chosen for her. A job he had convinced her to take. A life he had manipulated her into believing she wanted when all along Danny had been there, trying to save her again, just like he had in the alley all those years ago.
Martin tried to hold her again and use his silver tongue to work his magic but Carrie was immune to that now. She saw him for the monster he really was, and pushed him away.
Martin didn't like that. As she slapped away his hands his face contorted into a look of rage and he swung at her again with the full force of his strength. The back of his hand came slamming down against her cheek, sending her to the floor. Waves of pain rippled through her and her cheek stung. She looked up at him, hair strewn over her face as he stood over her, fists clenched, bristling with fury. She swallowed hard as he took a step forward. She crawled to the edge of the room but found herself up against a wall again. Nowhere to go again. Martin kept coming forward.
“You stupid bitch. All you had to do was what I said and I could have given you the perfect life. But you've ruined it and now you're going to pay,” he growled. Terror was written all over Carrie's face as he came towards her. She closed her eyes until he was almost on top of her and then she found within herself some deep, inner strength that she had never tapped into before. It rose within her like lava in a volcano that was ready to erupt after years of being dormant. All her desperate anguish that had built up over the years fueled her strength and when she curled her fists up into a tight ball and let fly a punch that cracked into Martin's jaw, it was a punch that was meant for not only all the bullies that had tormented her over the years, but also to her own inner doubts and fears, and as she watched Martin reel back in shock and pain all of the hurt inside her was vanquished.