by Ava May
After that I went to college and found myself. When I eventually told them, Lisa was mildly embarrassed that I was her first kiss but I told her not to worry about it. It had to be with someone and it was better that it was someone I trusted rather than some random boy who I would never think about in five years' time. I think she took that as a dig at her. Maybe it was.
I never had a crush on any of them though. We were too close. It was too weird. I knew them too well. But sometimes it still feels like I'm working my way through life, but Lisa has it all figured out. She has a fiancé and house and a life together, just like you're supposed to. She got with the program and played the game like everyone else in the world. Sometimes I envy her for it, sometimes I pity her. Sometimes it's like she's just gliding through life without every doing anything. I see her hug Kira. The engagement ring shines on her finger. But that is not what catches my attention. There's another woman with her. The most beautiful woman I have ever seen.
Chapter 3
Sometimes there are people you come across and they seem unreal, like a mirage or an illusion, born from the depths of your desires and given life. Clara was one such woman. She had fire-red hair that cascaded down past her shoulders. Though it was early in the morning she looked fresh and energetic. Her face had a timeless quality about it. She looked young, even younger than us and we were but pups in the grand scheme of life, and yet when she grew closer I saw that she had a wisdom in her emerald eyes, and I found myself instantly enchanted by her. She walked with grace and elegance, more glided than walked. She had a slender, lithe physique with curves in all the right places and the kind of mischievous smile that would send anyone wild. Where had this rare and beautiful creature come from? Why torment me with the knowledge that someone like this exists? No good can come from my dreaming or my fantasies. Suddenly I fell into despair for I knew that the long weekend was going to be filled with longing if she were there, so close and yet forbidden to touch, because she wasn't for me. She was for somebody who knew what they were doing, who knew themselves and what they wanted.
“Who's that?” I asked, almost without realizing it. Simone smirked. That was when I first heard Clara's name.
“One of Lisa's friends, I thought you knew she was coming? She was in the Facebook message.” I'd barely read that message, just checked the dates and the times and that was that. Now I wish I had because I wanted to go through Clara's profile. I wanted to see her with a partner. Or could I bear that pain? Surely she would have someone. She could have anyone. She walked forward, seemingly in slow motion. She waved at us. I stared back, my mouth agog. Never had anyone had this effect on me without yet meeting.
“Someone's got a little crush I see,” Simone said. I glared at her as Lisa and Clara approached the car. My cheeks flushed, afraid that Clara would hear.
“Shut up! I just like her hair, that's all,” I whispered sharply. Simone raised an eyebrow. She didn't believe me. I gave her another warning look as the door opened and Clara and Lisa's conversation poured into the car.
“This is Simone, Kira, and Andrea. You three, this is my friend Clara, she's an expert at camping so I thought I'd bring her along to help,” she said. Clara slapped her playfully on the arm. She said hi. Her voice was soulful and melodious, like a soft summer breeze. Lisa got in first. I found myself hating her and yet loving her at the same time. I could smell Clara's fruity perfume among the rest of the scents. Her legs were pressed against Lisa's. Mine were pressed against Lisa's. Somehow we were connected, touching each other without touching. I looked at her and dared not look away, almost hoping that she'd turn to see me staring but I wondered what look I would be met with. Would it be intrigue? Would she welcome me? Or would she sneer and turn away? My throat was dry and I could barely think straight but now that she was closer I could stare at her and that was all I needed. I looked at the way her hair flowed down in soft curls, at the pale, smooth skin, the full red lips, the demure earrings hidden behind her hair, only revealed to those who looked closely enough. Her jacket was open at the collar, providing a glimpse of her collarbone, the place where her slender neck met her shoulders and the rest of her body followed, hidden from my view, tempting me, luring me in. I wanted to see more. I wanted to uncover the mystery of her. I wanted to know everything about her, because I had a feeling that I would love everything. I didn't know if I believed in soul mates but if they existed then surely Clara was mine.
Chapter 4
“You two have something in common,” Lisa said as the car pulled away and the journey got underway properly. Kira was still singing along to the music but that was a distant noise. I was focused on Clara and Clara alone. When Lisa spoke Clara looked at me. The shock of those green eyes was enough to turn me away, yet when I did I felt foolish, like a coward, and it made me feel unworthy of her.
“Oh really?” Clara said, her voice dancing. I blushed. Was Lisa about to tell her that I was a lesbian? Was she about to tell me that Lisa liked the same?
“Yeah, Andrea here is setting up her own business, it's why we practically had to drag her on this weekend,” she said, narrowing her eyes at me. I felt small, crushed into the corner with the woman of the world next to me, the goddess beside her.
“Oh really? What business are you trying to set up?” Clara asked. This time I looked up and I caught myself in those eyes. They sparkled and glistened and I was lost in her soul. Her mouth twitched into a slight smile and she tilted her head ever so slightly as she awaited my answer. It was a subject I had spoken about many times and yet in that moment I felt myself becoming dumbstruck, as if the ability to speak had been wrested from my psyche by some malevolent wizard. I could feel the tension building, Clara wondering why this new person she had encountered couldn't speak. Or perhaps she was used to this and I was but the most recent victim to the spell that Clara unwittingly cast?
“Clara runs her own massage parlor,” Lisa eventually said, saving me from the silence that was consuming me. “That's actually how we met,” she continued, “she works wonders with her hands,” and suddenly I felt envy flow through me. To think of Clara's hands over Lisa's body left me reeling. It was irrational I know, but it felt like Lisa was torturing me with this knowledge. I would have given anything to feel those hands upon me and Lisa had already experienced it, and she could not fathom the desire I felt.
“I know what it's like starting out, and mine is only a small business, I don't expect to ever make much from it. I just like making a living and that's enough for me. Lisa told me a little bit about what you do earlier. It sounds like a lot of work with all the distributors and stuff, you must not get much time to relax,” Clara said, trying to prompt me into talking. She was kind. I appreciated it. I took a deep breath and smiled.
“Yeah, it's...I don't have much a life to be honest. I get so wrapped up in calls and e-mails that it's easy to forget about the world outside. The only reason I came this weekend is because I knew these guys would kill me,” I laughed a little. So did Clara.
“You should be glad you did. Have you ever been camping before?” she asked. I was about to answer but before I could do so Lisa snorted.
“Ha, Andrea go camping? Part of the reason why I'm looking forward to this weekend is to see how you cope,” she said, looking at me.
“I'm sure I'll be fine,” I said, meeting the challenge.
“I am too, there's nothing too complicated about it. You might even like it more than you expect. It's good to be disconnected from the regular world sometimes, gives you a chance to really get to know the people you're camping with.” As Clara said this she lowered her eyelids at me, only at me, and my heart flipped inside. I gulped. Was I just imagining things? There were so many things that were unknown about Clara and about life that I wasn't sure if I was hoping too hard or for too much.
During the ride we all spoke. There were five of us. Three too many. I kept glancing at Clara, hoping to glimpse some sign of truth in her eyes about whether she was on the same wavelength as me but
I never managed to catch her gaze. Lisa led the conversation and told Clara about the adventures we'd been on. Simone and Kira laughed as they added in details, and Clara was the perfect audience, sitting back and listening to the storytellers unfurl their stories like grand tapestries. Meanwhile, I remained in the corner of the car, creating a story of my own, with just me and Clara.
“It's unlike you to be so quiet,” Kira remarked.
“Huh?” I said, jerked from my haven of private thoughts. “Oh, I'm just trying to get into the holiday mode. I spend so much time speaking on the phone that it's nice to give my voice a rest, and I was enjoying listening to all the stories of yesteryear.”
“Well I'm sure we'll be creating more than a few stories this weekend!” Kira whooped, “I'm so glad to be away from work. It's so stressful at the moment.”
“Well no wonder if you surround yourself with children,” Simone said.
“Yeah, I couldn't do that,” I added.
“You may have one more child to be around before too long,” Lisa said.
“You're not?!” Simone asked, looking back at us in the rear view mirror.
“Not yet,” Lisa replied, “but pretty much as soon as we're married we're going to try. We've got everything else ticked off so the baby is the only thing,” she said. I pursed my lips and offered my hollow congratulations. Lisa was getting further away from us. She was setting herself up for a life without us in it. We would be invited to the birthday parties for the child, and maybe we would even be called aunts but soon enough we'd drift away, perhaps we'd send a card every Christmas, and we'd receive one with updates about the child, about the baby we once bounced upon our knee, but I wouldn't have a child to have a playdate. Lisa would have other friends. New friends. Mom friends. I was happy for her, but sorry for the girls who had promised each other that they would be friends forever because life changes and we have to change with it.
Chapter 5
I got out of the car and stretched my back, groaning a little as I did so. I was only in my early twenties and yet I felt much older. I saw Clara do the same but hers were practiced and they didn't take any strain at all. We all heaved our bags out of the trunk and looked out at the world before us. It was a big park with trees for as far as the eye could see. Other people were camping as well, and maybe it wasn't as secluded as we first thought but it was still different than the city. The air was fresh and sweet and it tasted good as I took in deep lungfuls of it. The green trees were standing like soldiers, welcoming us to their real. The ground was soft under our feet and as we walked through the forest area I lost myself in all the different colors of the flowers around us. Clara was walking behind us all, taking her time as she stopped and smelled the flowers. I slowed my pace to walk alongside her.
“I love being out in the world like this,” she said. I got the feeling that she would have said it even had I not been standing there. “
“I can't remember the last time I was away from the city. My life is a constant stream of texts, e-mails, and phone calls.”
“Sounds pretty stressful. Do you ever get time to relax?” We fell into the same rhythm as we walked. I second-guessed everything I said but I was determined not to fall into the same trap of silence that had seized me earlier.
“I do when I remember, but it's fine, I like working. I always have. My parents always told me that I'd need to work hard for my dreams so this is a sacrifice that I'm willing to make. Eventually at some point it'll tail off and I'll be able to take it easy, once the business gets established. Until then I'll just carry on.”
“I hope you work in a relaxing environment at least. I think it's important to be reminded that there's more to the world than work. There's so much beauty out here. Too many people deny themselves this pleasure. I see it in my clients all the time. I try to tell them that they need to take some time for themselves but they just come in for a massage and think that it will cure all their ills. Are you happy Andrea?”
The question took me by surprise and I wasn't sure how to answer it. How are you supposed to answer a question like that?
“Am I happy? Is anyone?”
“I'm happy,” she replied. That did not surprise me. She was happiness personified. “All you have to do is look around you and see happiness,” she said, and smiled widely. She started to skip and I brought my hand to my face in laughter. She took my hands and tried to get me to skip along with her but I couldn't. It wasn't in my programming. Eventually she took the hint and stopped but there was an air of disappointment about her and I felt as though I had let her down, destroyed some illusion she had of me. I felt sorry for myself as well because deep down I wanted to skip. I wanted to remember what it was like to enjoy life yet I seemed determined to turn away from every opportunity. I longed for her to start again. This time I would join her, I told myself, but she carried on walking, looking deep into the forest for a new adventure or a new secret, looking away from me. Had I ruined things already?
We reached a small piece of the field where we decided to set up our tents. I'd bought one from a store recently and had never thrown one up before. Of course Lisa was doing well with hers, and the others were seeming to manage it as well but I was having some difficulty. I managed to get a few poles in place but then it collapsed and I found myself flailing about with my hands, trying to escape the grip of the cloth as it enveloped me. I heard their laughing and then a hand shot through the purple world, and red hair came through in flashes. I reached out and grasped the hand, and was pulled out with the tent looking ruined, like a fallen parachute. I hopped up and almost fell into Clara's arms.
“Would you like some help?” Clara offered. Usually I had a problem with accepting help. Pride had always been my biggest downfall but I wasn't going to let that happen here. I gladly accepted her offer and she showed me how to rig the tent so that it wouldn't fall down. Soon enough the other three were helping me as well, and I had a little home away from home. We nodded at each other, proud that we had overcome this first hurdle, and discussed what to do next. The drive had taken a few hours and it was a little past midday. We unpacked some sandwiches and decided to have an explore.
“How you hold up Andrea, getting withdrawal symptoms yet?” Kira said. I laughed it off but I was actually missing my extra limbs. I'd gotten so used to being connected all the time that being away from it felt like I was cut off.
“At least we're hear to take your mind off it,” Simone said, and we all walked forward. The ground was uneven and tough to walk across. There was no clear path either.
“We're not going to get lost, are we?” I said, trying to hide the fear from my voice.
“Since when were you afraid of being lost?” Simone asked. She was right. When I was younger I would have been the first one to scamper off but something had changed. Somewhere along the way I had grown cautious and lost some of my childhood spark. As we walked on the rest of them chatted while I reflected on what had been lost. When I regained my senses I looked up to see Clara in deep discussion with Kira and I felt jealous again. I wanted her all to myself.
We walked for what seemed like miles and finally the world opened up to a wide expanse of water. The sun rippled along the blue surface and it looked like the light was dancing. We ran to the shore and gazed out at the canoes. Other people were swimming too and we were reminded that we were not alone. The day was warm and the walk had made our bodies prickle with sweat. Before I knew what was happening Clara had pulled off her clothes and was standing on the edge of the shore in just her bra and panties.
I almost fainted.
Everything was there. Everything that was supposed to be hidden in dark bedrooms and secret nights was out in the open for everyone to see. Clara's gorgeous body, flawless skin, tattoos of symbols and foreign languages winding around her waist. Each one a memory. So many memories of a life lived. How old was she again? As old as the earth. She smiled at me and beckoned me into the water. I refused. I shook my head. I retreated into my
usual shell. Clara shrugged and then she was gone, leaving only foamy ripple of water. Lisa, Kira, and Simone all went as well, all of them frolicked and now it was too late for me. I had missed my chance. I burned with shame and watched Clara as she splashed about. Her red hair was heavy and matted against her head, her body soaked and glistened as the sun kissed it. How I wished to kiss it and be in that water with her to feel the heat of her body close to mine, to tug at the last remnants of her clothing and make it so that she was completely naked with me, only me.
Instead I turned and made my way back into the dry woods where the trees witnessed my sorrow.
Chapter 6
I was back at camp. I knew they'd all be disappointed in me but the only one I cared about was Clara. I wanted to show her that I was her type of people but I had failed the first two tests. No longer would she look at me as an equal but I was one of those people. The city people. The ones who she had always battled against. The ones who had limited imagination. As if to prove the point I had tried to connect with the outside world via my cell but it was utterly futile and I passed the time by thinking about her. Who else? In some other universe where I was smarter I would have jumped in the lake first and really shown her that I wasn't like she thought, like Lisa had told her, that I was different and could be a free spirit too. We would have danced in the water, and hidden under the surface our limbs would have found each other. While the others swam and played we would be drowning in a world of our own making. We would be finding each other, looking into each other’s eyes as the abyss below housed our secret touches. Each finger would explore a little further. Would push the boundaries. Would she be the aggressor or would I? She was more experienced, I could tell that, and more used to throwing caution to the wind but I wanted it more, I was more hungry, and if given the right encouragement I would go all the way without hesitation.