by Ava May
It's almost indescribable how I felt when the bus approached the city. It was already amazing driving along the freeway, watching all the other cars roar by, all those other people going to and fro, and it struck me that none of them would ever have known about my small town or the people in it. My existence was unknown, all my memories, my feelings, my hopes and dreams and fears were nothing to these people and it made me feel strange inside. Did I matter? I knew that I existed. I could feel myself and the world around me. I could smell the stale air of the bus. I could hear the people breathing and talking around me. I could feel the rumbling of the vehicle as it carried me to the city, and yet I felt separate from it all, as if I was but an observer, and I wasn't sure where I really fit in. But at the same time it was all kind of wonderful because I tingled with excitement at the thought of starting a new life. Nobody knew me, and that was fine because I craft myself a new identity. I could show people who I really am. I felt like all my life I had been a caterpillar and I was finally emerging from a chrysalis and becoming the butterfly I always knew I could be.
I sat forward in my seat as I saw the kilometers disappear in front of my eyes. My face was glued to the window as we drove past power stations and lakes and wide-open fields. I thought of all the possibilities as we slalomed through a collection of shops and restaurants outside of the city. It looked like something out of a pop-up book. Back home we only had some small stores so seeing the brands that I'd heard so much about was like being in Disneyworld. It was like I was seeing the world for the first time.
But then I saw the first signs of the city appear over the horizon. The view was faded at first and hazy, like a mirage or some sort of dream, and at first I could only make out the tallest skyscrapers as they tried to touch the heavens. As I grew closer my eyes grew wider as they stretched higher and higher, seeming to grow before my eyes, and I was reminded of the story of the tower of Babel, where ancient humans had all collaborated to build a tower that reached up through the sky and threatened the boundaries of heaven, so God, in his infinite wisdom, destroyed it and made us speak different languages so that we couldn't work together and rebuild the tower.
It was stories like that that made me question people's devotion to the almighty. And when I saw the city it was resplendent, and I knew that God hadn't done this, we had.
People back home had always spoken of the evil and ugliness of modern culture and how it twisted and corrupted the youth of today. But seeing the city I just didn't see that. It looked beautiful in my eyes. On that particular day the sun was shining and the daggers of golden light gleamed against the glass windows.
Our speed slowed as we crossed the threshold of the city as we were caught up in the throng of people making their way into the same place. It gave me a good opportunity to look at my new home. Instead of square houses, there were buildings of all shapes and sizes with colorful signs and flashing lights, vying for attention. I didn't know where to look first. My eyes darted about, trying to take it all in but it was all so overwhelming. On the sidewalk there were street artists and performers, expressing themselves so freely. That would never have been allowed back home. I squealed with glee as I watched a man do acrobatic tricks. The other people traveling with me didn't seem to notice. I guess they were all jaded and had seen this kind of thing ten thousand times before, but it was all new to me and I loved it.
After the stores I looked at all the different people and wondered where did they all come from? At home we had been one homogeneous mass with no ethnic diversity at all. Now before me there were people of all different colors and sizes and I wanted to know all their stories. The world was a big place. I'd always known that but it took entering the city to fully be aware of it, and to really have a grasp of what it meant. I could imagine never seeing any of those faces again and yet they were a part of my life now, woven into the tapestry of my existence. Yet none of them would ever know it, completely oblivious to my watchful eyes.
That's when I saw her. I could barely believe my eyes and I wanted to shout to the driver to stop but I was caught in such a state of shock that we were gone before I had a chance to do anything other than impotently slam my palm against the window. I twisted my head and looked for as long as I could. It had to be her, surely, but I couldn't quite believe it, not after all the time that had passed, that it was actually Ivy.
Chapter 3
I'd only caught a glimpse of her so I couldn't be entirely sure, and of course the chances were slim that we'd actually encounter each other after all this time, so my natural inclination was to assume that I had been mistaken and that there was no way it could actually have been her. But just because the chances were slim it didn't mean that they didn't exist at all, and this played on my mind as I made my way to my new apartment. Instead of looking at everything around me I was plunged into the past, to my faraway memories, consumed by thoughts of Ivy. I realized that I hadn't thought of her for a long time, which was strange because there was a time when I didn't think I would eve stop thinking about her. She had been my first crush and the more I thought about her the more convinced I was that I had really just seen her. I'm not sure if I believe in fate but I do think there are certain currents that can sweep people up, and carry them to the same destination.
She had the same heart-shaped face and the same confident swagger, swaying her hips and flicking a cigarette so casually. Her hair was a different color now, dyed turquoise instead of the mousy-brown it had always been, but the image of her had been etched into my mind, into my soul that I knew it had to be her and that just filled me with even more excitement.
She'd been one of the more notable people to leave home and had done so of her own volition. She was one of those kids that adults always said were trouble but that was only because they didn't understand her. Ivy was a couple of years older than me but she may as well have been a decade older because while I was just a girl she was a woman and seemed to know exactly who she was and who she was going to be. She didn't care about anyone's opinion and was always getting in trouble for smoking at school or speaking back and questioning the teachers. Nothing ever satisfied her and she was always cruising for an argument with someone in authority but to my younger self that just made her amazing in my eyes. She drove the boys crazy as well and there were rumors. Oh man, were there so many rumors about her. They stabbed at my heart. I'm not sure how much truth there was to them but I used to lay in bed at night and pray that there were all made up because I hated the idea of other people touching her, feeling her warmth and her heat, while I was on the sidelines, not even in the game because I still had the body of a boy. My curves hadn't yet grown in so I wasn't even on her radar and I knew that I would have to wait.
But I never got my chance because she was gone by the time I was old enough. The whole thing was a clandestine affair, which I never would have thought since she was usually so loud and cavalier about things. But one day she was there and the next she wasn't, having sneaked out during the night. All the adults said that it was for the best because she was a bad influence on the rest of us but her leaving showed me that it was possible too. However, I still kept hoping that someday she would return home so that I could see her again and tell her how I felt. I don't know how I knew, but I just had a twinge in my gut that she felt the same way about girls as I did. Maybe it's some kind of sixth sense that we have, I don't know, but that's why I don't believe in all those rumors with all those boys.
Just the thought of her being in the same city as me filled me with hope and excitement. The odds were against me because there were hundreds of thousands of souls, but if I was right and we were caught up in the same current then we'd encounter each other again, and soon, and I just had to hope that she remembered me. I suppose it wasn't hard to believe that she was in this city too because it was the natural stopping point, but I couldn't believe my luck that I had actually seen my childhood crush. I'd only been away from home for one day and already I was feeling more free than
I had ever been.
I quickly settled into my new apartment, which I had arranged ahead of leaving home, and the first night I could barely sleep. Most of it was due to excitement but I have to admit that I was scared as well. Aside from the odd sleepover and camping trip this was the first night that I had ever stayed away from home, and I never realized how loud the city would be at night. Back home, everyone would be in bed and the only noises would be from animals that were scurrying about in the night. Otherwise everything would be still and silent and you could barely believe that there were other people living nearby. But in the city it was impossible to forget. I heard the rumbling of a train in the distance interspersed with people shouting. I couldn't make out exactly what they were saying but it didn't sound at all pleasant. The screams of wild sex filtered through my walls and it made me think of Ivy again, wishing that she was there to make me scream like my neighbors, to make my throat raw with orgasmic cries.
I suddenly felt lonely as I looked around at my dank corners. Shadows stretched everywhere and it was a far cry from the comfort of my own home. I hadn't brought much with me but I found myself pulling a picture of me and my parents out. A silent tear fell on it, followed by a flood. What was I doing? I was just a silly girl who wanted to make it in the big city, but I had no idea how to actually go about it. I heard the shattering of glass and my heart began to race. The moonlight speared through the window and illuminated my eyes. I crept up to it and opened it to look out on the night. I breathed in deeply. The city smelled dirty and grimy, and I couldn't see the stars in the sky. It made me long for home so I crawled into bed, clutching the picture close to my breasts, hoping that I hadn't made a grave mistake.
Chapter 4
I was still feeling low the following morning and I had to wipe my eyes because the tears had caked on my face. I didn't want to mope, and I knew that I had to try my best to prove to myself that I had made the right decision. I think I was just shocked at the change in scenery and the realization at how alone I was. There was no safety net anymore and it's surprising how frightening independence can be. But I had to make a life for myself and that day was the first day of the rest of my life.
Wallowing wasn't going to do me any good at all so I walked out and down the high street, trying not be engulfed in the pulsing crowd but there was so much energy in the city that it almost overwhelmed me and drained me. I'd never been among so many people before and I felt like a herd of cattle. I had to fight to make my own path, and that's how I ended up dipping into a nearby restaurant and getting a job. My boss is called Al. He's a burly fellow, and while he can be stern he's mostly, usually kind. As long as you do the work he's okay, and thanks to my upbringing I've always had a good work ethic so I've had no problems with him, although some of the other girls would swear that he's the second coming of Hitler. The customers are mostly nice as well. I think a lot of them are the same as me, they just want a place to go to escape the hustle of the city. When I arrived I thought that I would throw myself into it but after a couple of days I knew that I couldn't, I didn't have it in me and I would have to take it slow. I'm not sure what I was expecting exactly but even though I had a job it still felt like there was something missing. My nights were lonely and I didn't know how to go about going out on my own, so I mostly thought and planned and wondered how everyone back home was doing in my absence. And I thought of Ivy of course, and stared out of my window because I knew that she was somewhere in the city, and my heart told me that it was just a matter of time before we found each other.
When she walked in I couldn't quite believe it. I was cleaning the coffee machine when I looked up and saw her in the mirror. She looked around and then headed to the corner, where she set down her bag. Then she came up to the counter. I froze. I had no idea what to say to her or what to do, and all I wanted was for someone else to come and serve her.
“Excuse me,” she said, with a hint of impatience in her voice. I turned around.
“I'm sorry, I was lost in my own little world,” I apologized. She ordered her drink but I barely registered the words as I was caught in her beauty. She was just the same as she was before, but different. Her nose was pierced with a silver ring, so was her right eyebrow. Her hair was swept down and I glimpsed the start of a tattoo on her collarbone. I wanted to say something but I had no idea what to begin with. I made her drink, knowing that with each passing second my chances dwindled. I could feel her eyes burning into the back of me. My entire body was tense as I tried to break through the barrier that had formed around my mind, but I was helpless. I gave her her drink; she gave me the money. As she passed the notes our hands brushed and my heart fluttered, and just like that she was gone.
I gazed at her as she sat in the corner reading her book. There were so many things I could have said to her and yet I was frozen to the spot, paralyzed. I hated myself in that moment. When she left I could have died. It felt like it was my one and only opportunity to see her and reconnect with her. All I had to do was shout before she walked out of the door and out of my life forever but the words would not form and my lips remained still. It was a moment that seemed to last forever and I knew that I would never forget it and never recover from the anguish, but still I could not force even the simplest phrase from my throat.
Then, the world crashed around me as the door closed behind her and Ivy melted into the night. Crestfallen, I turned and sighed, resigning myself to the fact that I had missed my chance and that Ivy would always be the one that could never be.
Then the door opened again and Ivy strode up to the counter.
“Is your name Selina?” she asked. I smiled, and suddenly everything was perfect again.
Chapter 5
“Yeah, you're um, you're Ivy, right?” I said in response, trying to play it cool but nerves were storming through my body.
“Yeah, wow, this is crazy! I never thought I'd see anyone from that place again. Wow, and you've changed a lot,” she said. It seemed like she was giving me an admiring glance but I wasn't sure.
“You haven't changed a bit, well, apart from your hair.”
She laughed. “You'd be surprised. Everyone changes. How long have you been here?”
“Just a couple of days.”
“Wow, you're new! How are you finding it so far?”
I wanted to be brave and cool and tell that I was taking it all in my stride and that I was loving life. Instead I told her the truth.
“Actually it's a little more difficult than I thought it was going to be. There are so many people here that it seems easy to get lost in the crowd and I just feel so...alone.”
“Yeah, it's a big culture shock. I remember when I first came here, didn't know what I was going to do or where the next meal was coming from, but at least I didn't have to put up with some condescending people always looking down on me and telling me that the way I lived was wrong. It'll get better, we all find our way, it might just take a bit of time,” she said. I smiled at her, and she returned the gesture. Her eyes were as blue as the sea and they seemed to shimmer as I gazed into them. I could have lost myself in them, and was in the process of doing so when another customer came in and interrupted us. I scowled as he ordered a drink and wished that he would leave. I made a face at Ivy. She giggled and stepped to one side as I served him. Just as it was done she glanced at her watch and gasped.
“Shit, I'm sorry, I have to go!” she said, and once again my world crumbled. “Look, it was good seeing you, are you free for a drink later? It'd be good to catch up with someone from my old life.”
“Uh, yeah, that'd be great.”
“Cool, there's a bar just down the street from here,” she said, and pulled out a pen to give me directions to the place. “I'll be there from nine, come and say hi,” Ivy said, then flashed a smile at me that made me want to melt.
For the rest of the day I was floating although I was nervous as well. I had led a sheltered life and was still unsure in these matters so I didn't know whether it w
as a date or not. Besides all that I didn't really have many good clothes to wear, and I didn't want to overdress so I decided on something casual. I perched myself on the end of my bed and waited for time to tick over to nine. It seemed to take an eternity and the longer I waited the more nervous I became until my toes were tapping on the floor and beads of sweat were pulsing against my temples. I didn't want to seem to eager but it was torture waiting, so I needed to do something. I left a little earlier than I expected and ended up getting to the bar on the stroke of nine. Ivy wasn't there yet, so I ordered myself a drink and then took a seat at a nearby table. It wasn't long before Ivy came in and I felt a swell of relief. She looked around and I took delight in just watching her exist. From the moment she came into the room it was like she owned it, and she had a magnetic pull that drew everything towards her. From years of not thinking about her, I was suddenly thrust back into that adolescent haze, a dream that seized me and would not relinquish its grip on me. She walked to the bar and leaned forward, so much so that her top rose against the sides of her body, providing me with a teasing glimpse of her pale skin, and another tattoo that stretched around the small of her back. Once the drink was ordered she turned around to have a better look, and waved at me when she saw me.
“You're an eager beaver,” she said.
“I was just sitting at home so I figured I'd come down.”
“That's cool. So...how is the old town?”
“Oh, you know, same as ever. Nothing ever really changes there.”
“No, that's because those with any sense decide to leave.”
“Did you ever think about going back?”
Ivy took a long sip from her glass and shook her head. “No, never.”
“Don't you miss your parents at all, or your friends?”
“It took me a long time to realize it but I never had any friends there,” she said in a hollow voice. I sensed that there was a dark story to that and part of me wanted to press her for more information but she continued talking before I could say anything.