by Ava May
I focused on my career and spent as much time as the office as possible, trying to avoid that which caused me pain. While I worked there, I started chatting to one of the interns, a redheaded girl named Denise. We hit it off instantly and the more time I spent there the more time I felt like I could have a proper life, a proper relationship. We laughed and I started to notice Denise's laugh. We went to a pancake restaurant for our first proper date and I noticed the way she would chew so that her mouth didn't open, and after she finished she dabbed both corners of her mouth with her napkin, then smiled at me, satisfied. I reached across the table and took her hand. She didn't know the magnitude of the gesture but for the first time I was able to enjoy a date without Bea getting in the way. I didn't compare the two of them. I appreciated Denise for her, and for what she could offer me.
But always I had to return to the apartment where the two of them were and they looked so happy, so in tune that my own relationship felt inadequate. And I noticed that Bea began to change as well. She took more interest in the news and current affairs. She started to grow her hair out as well. When I asked her why she told me that she wanted to try something new for Aaron. Then new things started appearing in our fridge. Gone was the continual parade of Chinese takeout, replaced by colorful vegetables and batches of homemade soup. Bea was becoming domesticated and I didn't understand it. She had never changed for anyone before and I didn't understand why she was starting now. Aaron was changing her, and I didn't like it. Most of all I didn't like the fact that I wasn't the one who changed her.
My relationship with Denise suffered after that. I started to question my feelings for Bea. Was it really fair to call it love when it was unrequited? Didn't that just mean it was a waste of time and energy, and that it didn't amount to anything? It was a hard thing to figure out because to me it was everything. It had been a part of me and was lodged in my soul. I felt like I could never let go of my love for her because I'd be saying goodbye to a piece of myself, and without it I would be empty...yet at the same time I knew that I would never be fulfilled until I found out a way to reconcile the love I felt for her with the situation at hand. As much as I didn't want to accept it, Aaron didn't seem to be going anywhere.
It was actually when I was back home for a trip that I came to a new understanding of things. I had popped round to see Bea's parents and I was telling them about Aaron, for he was such a big part of Bea's life that I couldn't very well leave him out. When I spoke about him I realized that I was listing all his good qualities, and the truth was that there were many, and he had managed to temper Bea's tempestuous spirit, something that nobody else had. I realized then that he was actually good for her, and that the love I had for Bea was a selfish love because it was only focused inwardly rather than out to her. A wave of serenity washed over me and I felt cleansed, like all the turbulent emotions had been wiped clean from my body and I was free again, for the first time my mind was clear and I could think clearly. My life didn't have to revolve around Bea. I was my own person, and just because we had always been tethered to each other and had been the opposites of each other it didn't mean that when she was happy I had to be sad, or vice versa.
I left home that day with the intention of committing myself to Denise and making our relationship a serious one, to tell her my innermost thoughts and trust her with the secrets I had been carrying around with me. That was my intention. But when I arrived home I found Bea in tears.
Chapter 4
I dropped my bag and rushed over to her and asked her what happened. Her words were intelligible and all I could do was hold her, cradle her to my bosom until the weeping subsided. When she finally gathered her breath she told me that Aaron had left, that he'd sat down and told her that things weren't working out and she just wasn't what he was looking for. How dare he? How dare that man say that Bea wasn't good enough for him when she was a goddess.
As I stroked her head I noticed how strange it still was to feel the long, thick tresses of hair roll down her shoulders. Her eyes were raw and red but they still retained that almost mystical beauty, as though the entire universe was sparkling within them. I made soothing noises and heard her tell the whole story through heaving breaths, how he hadn't been happy for a while, and that he felt she was holding him back. I tried to tell her that he was a fool and he was the one holding her back, and that he was the one who was making the mistake, but she just couldn't believe it. She wouldn't believe it. The tears seemed like they were never going to stop and I wanted to do anything to stem the flow, I searched my mind for an old joke to take her back to a time when we didn't have to worry about boys or anything else, but nothing seemed adequate, and for the first time I didn't know how to make her laugh. Her laugh had been stolen from me and my hatred for Aaron burned brighter than the heat from a thousand raging suns.
In that instant I saw Bea not as the girl I had always looked up to but as the one that had always been inside, the one that made her put up the walls and the barriers and that 'go fuck yourself' attitude, the vulnerable one that made her push away everyone except me...and Aaron. And in that moment all the feelings I had flowed through me, it felt like lava through my veins and time seemed to stand still as I clutched Bea close to me, holding her trembling body. Her eyes were liquid and glassy. The tears glistened under the soft lights that hung over her head, and suddenly we were locked together. I felt my soul seep through my body and it was like I was possessed by an ethereal spirit. I stared at her, and she looked back at me, and in that moment we came to a new understanding. Our minds and bodies came together in a way that they had never done before. I knew that the only way to comfort her was to kiss, but somehow I knew it without ever thinking it, and before I was conscious of anything our lips had pressed together and we were kissing.
It was the sweetest feeling I had ever experienced. Her lips were so soft and electric tingles spread through my body, pulsing through my flesh. In the back of my mind was Denise but she was a small whisper, drowned out by the cacophony of fervent screams.
The tears stopped but our kiss didn't. There were moments where our eyes opened and we looked at each other as if saying 'Is this really happening?' but then we let the kiss wash over us again, and we fell into the abyss, spiraling down, helpless without a parachute, clinging onto each other.
My mind was a whirl as our tongues pushed against each other. Everything I had suppressed came out in one violent burst. I dug my hands into her and clawed at her clothes, eager to get at the skin underneath, the flesh I had imagined so many times, the body that I had been so close to yet so forbidden from. Now it was all mine and I relished the small victory, the triumph that all my waiting had not been in vain.
Bea kissed me just as hungrily as I kissed her, and I started to believe that deep down after all these years she had harbored the same feelings as I. Our hands tangled in our hair and we twisted it together, the dark and golden tones converging just as the two of us always had down, so different and yet so alike, bound together by something powerful and all-conquering.
“I've wanted this for so long,” I said breathlessly. Bea placed a finger to my lips and looked me deep in the eye. She drew back and stood up. First she pulled off her top and unclasped her bra in one smooth motion. She flung them both away, but my eyes barely flicked towards the motion, transfixed on her topless body. It was nothing I hadn't seen before but I had never seen it in this context. Her breasts were so full and pert, and her perfect nipples pointed out straight at me. She dragged her hands down her torso and groped her breasts, throwing her head back and biting her bottom lip as she did so. I felt the heat fizz through my body and I gasped, reaching out with a limp hand, trying to get closer to her.
Bea began to sway her hips and then spun around, bending over to show me her peach of an ass before running her hands all around her thighs. Through the gap between her legs I saw her breasts hanging down, teasing me, tantalizing me. When she twisted around again she was wearing a wicked grin and I knew that
she was enjoying the sweet torture. She unzipped her jeans and slowly made her way back towards me as she slid them down her legs, and then undressed completely, revealing her pussy to me. It was almost completely shaved, with just a thin line of pubic hair around her lips. My stomach growled and my mouth began to water. Bea strode up and towered above me. She reached down and took my hair in her hands.
“Please me pretty princess,” she said, and pulled my head up so that I was engulfed by the hot scent of her pussy. My arms curled around her legs as I buried myself inside her. I kept my eyes open at first, looking up at her resplendent body. Her hands were planted on my head, guiding me deeper into her. My tongue licked up and down her wet lips and then I thrust it inside, feeling the soft folds of skin surrender to me, allowing me inside. My fingers ran around the back of her thighs and I felt like a vine. My knees began to ache as they rested against the floor but I cared not because all I wanted to do was give Bea her pleasure, the pleasure that I had been saving for her ever since I knew what these sensations were. My eyes closed as I lost myself in her heaven and I became part of her, so deep inside that I thought I was going to become lost forever.
Then I heard it. That sweet sound. Her moans and gasps, rumbling out of her throat softly at first, then becoming thunderous in their wrath. I felt her body tremble and I knew that what we had was real, was genuine, and it was everything I had ever wanted. I cast aside all my doubt and I made peace with the fact that Aaron was a necessary evil to bring the two of us together. I held onto her as the orgasm flowed over my face and in my mouth, tasting every bit of her, smiling as I licked my lips. Her grip on me slackened and she sank to her knees and started to kiss me lovingly.
Our fingers locked together, the angel and the devil combining and turning each other inside out. My flesh became her flesh. I started to feel the prickles on my own skin when she would rub her hand over her flat stomach. We fell to the floor and rolled around, my hands on her naked skin, hers pulling away my clothes. My long blonde hair fell over her chest as I moved down her body, sucking on her breasts and teasing the nipples with my teeth. I felt her shudder, and I enjoyed the gasps of sweet agony as the pain blurred with pleasure. The angel had turned into the devil. We were one and the same. I slid my hand down the middle of her body and found the wet patch between her legs. I plunged my fingers in and started to curl them slowly, watching her face contort with delight, not knowing where I ended and she began. I rose up and she groped at my breasts and neck, flailing against me as the pleasure became too much. All I wanted to do was service her, to unleash all the love that I had been storing up inside, to break her body with everything I had and wreck her for anyone else. I wanted to show her that she didn't need anyone else. All she needed was me and my love and we could be happy.
Bea shook her head and tried to claw my hand away.
“It should be you,” she moaned, her words barely audible through the groaning noise that emanated from her arching neck, but I resisted. This was one fight Bea was not going to win. As her fingers tore at my wrist I dug my fingers in even further, feeling her insides accommodate me, feeling her body writhe, dancing to the tune that my fingers were creating. A delicious smile came upon my face as I watched her at my mercy, laying flat on the floor, her arms now hanging limply by her said, her body a slick, sweaty mess. Her cheeks were flushed and her heart pounded in her chest.
“I've wanted this for so long. It's for you, it's all for you,” I said, and worked her pussy until the orgasm exploded inside and the ripples passed through her body. Her head twisted as did her body, but I swung my legs around to hold her in place and I kept going, torturing her with pleasure, making her cum so much my hand was soaked and the room was filled with the smell of her. I stimulated and stroked her sweet spots, causing a chain reaction of orgasms to flood her body, until she finally begged me to stop.
I finally extricated my hand and leaned over her, kissing her softly, although she strained to catch her breath.
“That was intense,” she said, and I caressed her body with my wet hand, laying next to her, cuddling up to her so that we were still connected. I never wanted to leave her side. Never wanted to be anywhere but with her. I waved my fingers over her heaving chest and looked in awe at the glory of her body, at the mess I had made of her. She was still trying to catch her breath. She gulped a lot, and clung to me as though the room was spinning.
“I'd do you but I think I'm physically incapable. I don't think I'll be able to move for hours,” she said. I merely smiled and kissed her on the side of her head, nuzzling into her, breathing in her scent.
“That suits me. I don't want to go anywhere,” I said, and we remained on the floor for the rest of the night. Aaron was but a distant memory. I was the love of her life, and now it was finally out in the open.
Chapter 5
“These need to go,” she said, holding her hair in her hand. I smiled as we took a break from a lovemaking and she led me to the sink. I held out her hair while she chopped it off, just as she had done all those years ago, and I watched the strands flutter down until her hair was short again. She was back to the Bea I knew, the Bea I loved. Whatever spell Aaron had cast upon her had been dispelled and she was back to her old self.
“I never knew the art of making love before,” I said, relaxing in bed. She crawled over and kissed me again, and this time she made love to me, returning the pleasure I had given her, our symbiosis complete. Her fingers touched me, her legs were sprawled over mine, and our sheets were soaked by the time we were through.
When it was over I looked at her. I was about to tell her the three words that I had always wanted to tell her, but just before I did she looked at me with glassy eyes and smirked at me.
“We should do this more often, it's going to be good therapy for my break up. Thank you for doing this. I really appreciate it,” she said, and gave me a deep kiss, a kiss that surely must have meant something, but the way she acted she thought that I was just doing her a favor, that I was only doing this to heal the wounds that Aaron had scarred her with, not that it was a pure genuine expression of love, of the feelings between us. I was stunned and as she pulled her jeans on I couldn't bring myself to say all the things I was feeling inside because the words were a jumble in my mind.
Later that night Denise called. I was distant and rude and I shouldn't have been but I needed to sort things out with Bea. I thought I had gotten everything I ever wanted but it wasn't how I'd imagined it. It still wasn't true. It was cloaked in the mask of friendship, but we had gone beyond that. I was plunged back into the darkness of my teenage despair, and although I had moved to the big city and was successful in my career I still felt the way I did when I was fifteen, completely helpless.
I tried to imagine what I could say to Bea but now she was back to being herself I she was difficult to read. She came back and we made love again, but this time I couldn't give it my all like I had before. I keep looking at her, wondering if she knew the depth of feeling I had for her, and if she did then how could she treat me in such a manner. Didn't she know that she was hurting me?
After it was over we lay in silent, the silver moonlight streaking through a gap in the curtains, a slash against her body. I reached over with my hand and ran it along her stomach. She turned and cuddled up to me. She looked so peaceful, so innocent, and I couldn't believe that she would perform such a heinous act against me, to take the love I offered and use it as a salve.
When we weren't making love we were friends. It was a confusing time and I didn't know what to make of it. I know I should have talked to her about it but I didn't want to rock the boat. I knew that once I revealed my true feelings for her it would all be over and she wouldn't want to keep doing it because she would finally be aware of how much it was hurting me.
Denise kept calling as well. The longer it went on the more I hated myself for ignoring her. I managed to avoid her at work but eventually I knew I had to go and see her. We went to the same pancake place w
e'd gone to on our first date. She dabbed the corners of her mouth in the same manner, but this time I didn't feel the same adoration for her. All my affection was focused on Bea and I didn't have room for anyone else.
“It's her, isn't it?” Denise said. I'd never mentioned me feelings for Bea directly, but Denise had picked up on it.
“It was all in the way you looked at her, or the things you didn't say when you were talking about her. No offense, but I don't see what the big fuss is? She doesn't do anything but treat people mean, and she's only ever taken advantage of your good nature. If it wasn't or you she'd be out on the streets.”
“I think that's a little harsh,” I said, my hackles rising as I sought to defend my queen.
“You always cover her rent and she uses that place like a bedsit. She comes and goes as she pleases without letting you know, and she brings home all manner of guys-”
“It's not that bad, you don't understand, nobody understands her like I do,” I said, interrupting Denise before she could go on and on and on. I didn't need to hear anything else negative about Bea. I'd been hearing that all my life and it was getting to be a tired and monotonous song.
“Maybe that's true,” Denise said, her tone softening, “you know, I'm not even mad at you. I knew this day was coming.”
“You did?”
“I knew you never loved me. You liked me a lot, and we had fun together, but even when we were in bed it was like she was there, always between us. You would have done anything for her, but you wouldn't have gone that far from me.”
“I'm sorry, Denise.”
“I know you are. You're a good person, and I just find it sad that you've wasted your heart on her,” she said, and in her eyes I saw pity. I drummed my fingers on the table and looked down, feeling the weight of my burden. To love someone was no easy thing, and it sure took its toll. Having Denise there was helpful, and her contact was reassuring. I wish I could have kept her around, told her that I could have been with her because I knew that she was safe and she would have cared for me in the same way that I cared for Bea, and at that moment I burst into tears. I think Denise was about to leave, but when she saw the condition I was in she came around the table and knelt down in front of me, comforting me in the same way as I had comforted Bea after her breakup, but I knew that this time it wasn't going to lead to sex.