Heavy tears well up within my eyes as Callum just silently holds onto me. I look down at Noah as my tears now stream down my cheeks, along my breast, resting peacefully on Noah’s face. I haven’t talked about it in detail or even recalled the specifics of my memory, until now. My heart stings with a deep, surging pain. The night of his death was the worst night of my life. For the first time I was truly alone. My world had been turned upside down by alcohol. It robbed me of a mother, a family, friends, and now my husband and the father of my child. I press Noah against my chest, noticing every resemblance to Andrew, his dark hair, narrow close-set eyes, and his long, thin fingers. He is all I have left of my best friend and savior.
Callum lays his cheek on the top of my head as his arms hold onto me tightly. A warm, wet sensation soaks my head, sending gentle streams rolling down me and piercing my mind. My heart swells as I realize that Callum is also crying for me. A thick silence rolls around us, making the air feel almost pliable. This is the closest to Andrew I have felt in a long time. Mending the bridge between want and reality is a difficult thing, but when it is finally achieved one can ultimately meet reality head on.
“Thank you Andrew, for rescuing her and being the man I hope to one day be. God be with you,” Callum’s voice cracks slightly with emotion as he holds onto both Noah and me. “I promise you, Breanna, I will not drink again.”
“Don’t make promises you can’t keep. I’m not expecting you to change, I just expect you to be smart and wise in your choices. Neither my mom nor Andrew’s father were wise in their choices.”
“Is your Mum still alive?” His usual confidence is stifled by his question, probably fearing my answer.
“Amazingly – yes. In fact, I called her from the hospital after Noah was born,” I pause slightly to remember my conversation. “She barely remembered me. I could hear her heavy slur through the phone. She sold my childhood for a pint of whiskey and a life of hell. I can’t wait any longer for her to change. I have a child now and I will not let her decisions affect Noah like they affected me. I am done with her.”
Silence looms between us for a long time as our emotional rollercoaster slowly comes to an end. I can feel Callum’s heart pounding against my back as a nervous twinge tickles the edges of his skin, “Breanna, I need to tell you something and I hope you won’t hate me for it.”
Confusion rushes through my mind, “Why would I ever hate you? Callum I…” Suddenly the peace and stillness looming in the room is interrupted by a loud knock at the door. Our bodies immediately stiffen at the realization that someone is about to come in, witnessing us both in my bed. Pulling Noah free I hastily cover myself up.
Turning towards Callum I utter softly, “Maybe you should hide. I don’t want to get you in trouble.”
A low rolling laugh reverberates out of him, “Breanna, I am twenty. I think I am beyond the age of getting in trouble for being in a bedroom with a beautiful girl. I am not moving.”
Pulsating heat flushes through my face with his sudden statement, “You think I am beautiful?”
His eyes widen in exasperation, “Bloody hell, I must be doing a terrible job proving it to you. Yes I, and a lot of other people for that fact, know you are beautiful,” he pauses slightly, peering deep into my eyes, “Both inside and out.”
He bends down and kisses me emphatically. His warm, soft kiss causes my stomach to flip in excitement. His lips tenderly merge with mine, as we get lost in each other’s touch.
Suddenly, bringing us back to reality, we hear, “It’s about bloody time I catch you both in bed together.”
Callum’s mouth forms a wide smile across mine as his thick laugh rolls over my lips, “Olivia, you are such a child.” Turning towards Olivia he continues, “Trust me, nothing happened.” Olivia cocks her head in disbelief as she observes the situation. “Alright some things did happen, but not what you think. It is a little hard to do it with Noah sleeping right next to us.”
“Blimey, he is staying with me tonight then,” she utters with a sharp laugh.
Complete embarrassment pulsates through me, causing my face to turn multiple shades of red. Slamming my face into the palms of my hands, I muffle awkwardly, “I am in the room, too. Can we not talk about this?”
Olivia hastily rushes over to the bed, bounding up onto it, landing right next to me. “I forgot you bloody Americans get embarrassed by things like this,” she utters with a thick, teasing laugh rolling from her.
“We don’t get embarrassed. We just think it is a private matter, that’s all.”
Turning towards Callum, she utters with a mischievous smile, “What are we going to do about it?” A huge comprehending smile spreads across his face. Instantly they both leap on top of me, tickling me relentlessly.
I begin carefully thrashing about, trying not to disturb Noah as I breathlessly scream through my laughter, “Stop! What is it with you guys and tickling?”
They stop, causing laughter to roll through all of us now. I stare up at their stunning faces with a complete foreign feeling flooding through me. This is the closest to a real family I have had in a long time. I have always wanted a sister and Olivia fills that space with piss and grin perfectly. Her blatant words, sarcasm, and love have been what I needed and I will always be indebted to her.
A child-like grin streams across her face as she begins bouncing emphatically on my bed. “Callum, can we take Breanna and Noah to Carters Steam Fair at the park?”
Callum questionably gazes at Olivia, “Will you ever grow up Sis?”
“No.” Turning back towards me, she stares at me with puppy dog eyes, “What do you think Breanna, do you want to go?”
Looking into her sweet face, how can I resist, “Sure, it sounds like a great way to spend my birthday.”
They both gaze at me with a shocked, yet excited expression on their faces. “What?” they both utter simultaneously.
“Why didn’t you tell me that it is your birthday today?” Callum states in disbelief.
Smiling ruefully I utter, “I just did.”
“That doesn’t count.”
“Yes it does, besides it is no big deal,” I utter flatly, trying to buffer their shocked expressions.
“It is a big deal.” Kissing the top of my head tenderly, he adds, “Happy birthday, Breanna.”
“Then it is settled, we are going to the fair,” Olivia adds emphatically.
Free
It is the most beautiful day. The sun is streaming through the sporadic puffy clouds dancing in the sky. The trees and green grass shine bright from the recent washing caused by the night rain. The rolling green grass flows into a small but magnificent man-made lake. Reflections of the surrounding hills and trees dance delicately on the surface of the water. I gaze out of the car window taking in the splendid scenery while Callum drives us to this mysterious fair. Callum’s hand tenderly reaches over, grasping mine within his. His strong fingers grip tightly onto mine while his thumb gently strokes the top of my hand.
We round a bend and suddenly the bright red and yellow colors of the fair shine brilliantly against the green backdrop. Olivia leans over Noah’s car seat shrilling, “There it is, Noah!”
“Olivia, have you gone barmy? Do you really think Noah understands you?” Callum chimes in as he looks at her through the mirror.
“No, but he adores my tone of voice,” she utters dramatically at Noah. He instantly smiles, sending a high pitch screech to roll out of him. “See, he loves it!”
We pull into a gravel makeshift parking lot where a multitude of cars have formed some sort of organization to the normally vacant field. Positioned seamlessly next to the edge of the River Wye is the picture perfect Carters Steam Fair. Bright red and orange colors cover the spinning rides, causing a kaleidoscope of lighted colors to fill the area. A myriad of refurbished antique rides spread across a pristine section of the park, making me feel as if I have stepped back in time.
This is not the type of fair I am used to. The clean, well-kept
environment is a sharp contrast to the carnivals I grew up with. My mom would frequent our local carnivals in hopes of me being entertained while she would drink with the carnies. The traveling carnival was usually held in the parking lot of a local shopping center. The rides were ancient and poorly kept up, causing me to be terrified to go on any of them. The carnies were a scary group of misfits, usually dirty, unkempt and toothless souls. The local kids would laugh and taunt me because my mom would be hanging all over the carnies like she was their groupie. I shiver at the mere memory of my mother doing God knows what with them. I would usually go and hang out in the local grocery store trying to hide from both my mother and all the sneering kids.
This is nothing like those carnivals. Beautiful Grade 11 structures dot the surrounding areas while the Wye River weaves throughout the large property and park. Small islands are formed in the center, housing a picturesque ancient structure dedicated to music. Gently rolling hills are enveloped by trees and surrounding pasture land. The fair is placed perfectly within one of the grassy areas, giving a clean feeling to it. Several families and young adults scurry hastily from ride to ride, anxiously awaiting their next thrill.
“So Breanna, what do you think?” Olivia asks.
“This is amazing! It is not at all what I was expecting,” my voice is full of youthful excitement.
“What were you expecting?” Callum utters questioningly as he takes Noah out of his car seat.
“Something a little scarier and a hell of a lot more dirty,” I utter flatly, as I stare at Callum passionately. Callum’s sex appeal is at an all-time high today. His brown hair is styled flawlessly, with a messy appearance matching his scruffy stubble. His slim-fitting wool sweater allows the bulges of his muscles to protrude nicely. His dark, form-fitting jeans show off his tall, slim, yet muscular physique, not to mention enhancing his firm, round bum.
“See Olivia, she was expecting bigger and scarier rides, not this,” Callum utters, completely unaware of my gawking stares.
Snapping back to reality I state, “No, this is a perfect postcard fair. When I said scarier, I did not mean I want bigger rides. I meant a disgusting and dangerous environment. This is absolutely amazing.” Turning to Olivia I utter in gratitude, “Thank you. This is a perfect place to spend my birthday.”
Olivia turns to Callum, giving him a snarky smile, “Ha-ha, you can kiss my feet now.”
“Are you sure it is your feet you want me to kiss?” Callum threatens with a hearty laugh.
Placing Noah in the baby carrier we hastily walk towards the entrance. The cheering sounds of all the fairgoers are intertwined with sounds of music, a pipe organ on the carousel, and an occasional goose honking in the background. The rides are meticulously painted with the colors of the British flag. Reds, blues, and whites flow perfectly over the surrounding temporary fairground. Two large early century replicas of a swinging boat are positioned near the front entrance. The bottoms of the two boats are painted like a large British flag. On the end of each boat are the names Britannia and Columbia. This ride and the Chair-O-Plane – the swings- are the rides that everyone seems to be gravitating towards.
Olivia nearly skips through the entrance, spying one of her favorite rides, “I love coming here. It reminds me of being a kid again.”
“What do you bloody mean, again?” Callum teases.
“Sod off. You are just jealous because I remember how to have fun.”
“I know how to have fun,” Callum responds. His stunning, intense caramel eyes brighten with the obvious challenge. Gazing over at me a mischievous smile spreads across his face. He draws his eyebrows up repeatedly in a playful manner towards me.
“What?” I question apprehensively.
“We are going on a ride… my way,” his voice is full of spirit, not giving me a choice in this matter.
“I can’t, I have Noah,” trepidation rolls through me with fear as to what he is up to.
Olivia walks over to me, unsnapping the back of the baby carrier. “Nice try, Breanna. You can’t use Noah as an excuse to get out of Callum’s challenge. Go and have fun, I will take care of Noah.”
Placing the baby carrier on herself, she pushes me towards Callum. Anxious waves of fear rush through me. I have no idea what Callum means by his way. I look up into Callum’s bright face. He reaches for my hand, uttering, “Are you ready?”
“I don’t know. What am I ready for? Your mischievous look is scaring me.”
A hearty laugh explodes from his full, soft mouth, “Come on.”
He grabs my hand and we walk towards the flying swings – or Chair-O-Plane as they call it. I watch the tiny chairs spin people rapidly, flinging out in an almost horizontal position. The chains by which the chairs are attached stretch out to their full capacity. All the riders soar above all of the other rides as they hold tightly onto the chains.
This ride I am familiar with. Although this one goes much faster than the ones I am used to. Walking up to the front of the line I utter softly, “This is no big deal.”
A low laugh pushes through his nose, smiling at my innocent statement. He ignores me as we walk up to the ticket taker. A well-dressed, middle-aged man stands at the gate. His professional attire is such a sharp contrast to the carnies I’ve met. This man has all his teeth and his hygiene is impeccable. Smiling as Callum approaches him, he utters in a thick British accent, “‘Ello Callum. All right?”
“I’m good. It has been a long time, Harry. It seems like the business is still doing well.”
Harry pulls a lever, causing the swing to slow down, “I can’t complain. ‘Aven’t seen you in a while.”
Callum gives Harry a gentle slap on his shoulder, “I’ve been at school.”
“Good, I was starting to think your father had put a dam around you, blooming stopping you from doing anything of your choice,” Harry slaps Callum’s shoulder in return. Callum’s face stares straight ahead. Harry adds, “You got one ticket.”
Shaking his head slightly, Callum corrects, “I have two.”
“Oh blimey, I am sorry, two then.” He looks at me, giving me a quick wink.
Harry reaches over for the two tickets, when Callum grabs hold of his hand, uttering softly, “We will be doing it my way.”
A shocked smile spreads across Harry’s face. As we step onto the ride Harry utters, “The best of British to you, young miss. You’re goin’ to be needing it.”
Turning towards Callum I question, “Why is he wishing me good luck? This is just a simple ride.”
Callum just smiles in response as we find our chairs. I sit in the yellow metal chair and fasten the seatbelt tightly. The top of the chair hits my lower back, making me feel insecure. My feet barely hit the ground, causing my chair to gently swing around. Grasping onto the chains of the chair I begin looking around. The center area of the ride is divided into sections, one of which is for Harry to sit and observe all the passengers. The top of the ride is ornately painted with fleur-de-lis and what appear to be different family crests. The whole ride is riddled with brilliant white lights, illuminating the spinning effect.
Looking over at Callum in the chair next to me, I notice him slouching low in his seat, leaning as far back as he can. Placing his back firmly against the now reclined chair he gazes up at the sky as his arms dangle freely beneath his nearly horizontal body.
“What are you doing?”
“Okay Breanna, it is time to bloody let go and be free,” his body hangs limp in an almost relaxed backbend position. Lifting his head slightly he looks at me, “Let go.”
“No! Have you lost your mind?” I grip even tighter onto the chains, holding myself safely in place.
He peers deep into my eyes uttering, “Trust me. Let go.”
His gaze fills my mind and body with a sense of security. My breathing increases as I slouch in my chair. Slowly I recline my body back into a horizontal position, though still holding tightly onto the chains for security. Panic washes over me as the chair drops back, for
cing me to look up at the sky above me. My knuckles are white from the tight grip I have on the chains.
“You are doing great. Now let go of the chains,” Callum’s soft voice echoes with an edge of relaxation dancing off of each word.
“I can’t. I am too afraid,” my voice quivers in terror.
“Then stop being afraid,” he extends his hand across the small gap between the chairs, reaching for my hand. “Give me your hand.”
Exhaling audibly I let go, quickly reaching for Callum’s hand. While I grip tightly onto his hand, he begins tenderly caressing the top of mine, sending a wave of comfort to wash over me. My other arm drops to the side of the swing, dangling effortlessly. My head lies back, looking at the world from a very different vantage point.
Relaxation takes over me until the swing begins to move. My body instantly tightens up, causing a jolt of panic to shoot through me. My natural reaction takes over as I attempt to sit back up. Callum grips securely onto my hand, “Relax Breanna, you will be fine.”
Closing my eyes tightly I decide to listen to Callum. Lying back down, I allow the centrifugal force to push down on me, pressing me firmly to the chair. The speed of the swing increases, pushing the chair out to the sides of the ride. Slowly I open my eyes, watching the world spin. Callum’s hand still grips onto mine, as we seem to be soaring. My horizontal body is now slightly positioned on my side from the force being placed on the chairs. A sense of freedom mixed with fear flows over me with the rushing wind. Letting go of all my fear and stress, I give in to the sensation. Releasing Callum’s hand, I stretch my arms out, embracing the freedom. The echoes of screams and laughter slowly dissipate like a whistling train disappearing down a long tunnel. Peace washes over me like I am soaring in the heavens all alone. The cool wind rushes over my body from my toes up over my face, like silky sheets rustling above me. The fear that was once in me shatters, leaving me no longer feeling helpless and weak. Courage takes over as I melt into the chair, releasing my inhibitions.
Never Forever Page 13