Never Forever

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Never Forever Page 20

by Johnson, L. R.


  My dreams of getting a college degree evaporated that night with Callum and his mother. Once I leave England my fate is sealed. The future of a nineteen year old, working, single mother on welfare is bleak. I am completely aware that I am now heading down the same path as my mother, and though it should frighten me, I have dolorously come to grips with it. The road I am now on is a familiar one. There are no surprises allowing me to get hurt along the way. I just need to get through these next two weeks with very little incidence. Once I am back in America I will be able to retain my hard outer shell and just live day by day. The only obstacle standing in my way now is the pointless date with Conner I fatuously accepted.

  Walking down Queens Road towards my class, I suddenly notice Olivia sitting under a large, ornate tree. Her eyes are closed as if she is meditating. Her soft blonde pixie hairstyle frames her chiseled features perfectly. Her usual feisty expression is hidden by her contemplative state she is succumbing to. Sadness radiates off her, pressing into my chest, filling my mind with regret. Tumbling waves of guilt surge within my stomach as I watch my only friend’s spirited personality diminished by my traitorous behavior. I had cut her deep since I had filleted our friendship, gutting her to the core. Regret over my tumultuous behavior causes me to realize that I need to mend the bridge between us before I leave. I had only pushed her away because I was hoping to completely sever my connection to Callum. Since I will be leaving soon, I need to apologize.

  Apprehension consumes me as I walk towards Olivia. My heart slams against my chest, causing my breathing to intensify, while my body reacts like I am walking towards a hangman’s noose. The warm sun ripples down my exposed arms, seeping under my skin, attempting to eliminate the goose-bumps covering my apprehensive body. My anxiety slowly recedes into the far corners of my mind as I watch Olivia’s face soften.

  “You know, I should tell you to bugger off after the way you treated me,” she utters fastidiously. Her eyes are still closed while she leans back against the tree’s trunk languidly, like a sleeping sprite.

  Stopping instantly in my tracks I utter in astonishment, “What…How did…”

  “Breanna, you are about as sneaky as a damn elephant. I could hear your heavy breathing from far away,” her body still lies dreamily against the tree, but her eyes now slowly regain their conscious awareness. Though her soft brown eyes ripple with tender emotions, her chiseled features are firm with skepticism.

  A cool breeze rolls over me, instantly reigniting my goose-bumps, sending a rolling chill up my spine. I am not completely convinced the breeze is the culprit behind my sudden chill; Olivia’s firm expression is most likely the cause of my sudden sensation. Wrapping my arms tightly around me I begin vigorously stroking my exposed arms, melting the dappled bumps back into my skin. This time I firmly walk towards her, taking no care in trying to be subtle about it. Standing now just inches away from her I dejectedly sit down next to her, gazing back into her eyes.

  “Olivia, I am so sorry for the way I treated you. You have been an exemplary friend and you did not deserve that.”

  A long silence looms between us as her eyes remain locked onto mine. Nervously I begin fidgeting, attempting to detach the death stare she has on me. My foot starts bouncing rapidly beneath my pretzel-folded legs. The only thing cutting through the silence is a flock of small birds swirling above us in the tree. Breaking free from her gaze I look up at the acrobatic birds, flipping from branch to branch like trapeze artists demonstrating their skills. Their light blue bodies and painted yellow breasts swirl through the tree with a kaleidoscope of spring colors. Chirps and vibrant songs escape their tiny beaks, giving some kind of reprieve from the ominous silent treatment Olivia is dishing out.

  “Do you think that is long enough?” she asks with a hint of sarcasm twirling within her solid tone. Her eyes remain locked onto me, as I look at her dubiously.

  “Is what long enough?”

  A slight smile tickles the corners of her mouth, illuminating a mischievous grin, “The silent treatment and death stare.”

  Pulling my eyes tightly together, deepening the furrow between them, I gaze at her incredulously, “Were you just messing with me?”

  A full smile creeps across her face, causing her eyes to twinkle with roguish delight, “I wanted you to squirm in your seat a little bit. Did it work?”

  “What the hell? Of course it worked! Your eyes can burn a hole through steel!” A loud belly laugh rolls through her, causing her to double over in abdominal pain. “That is not funny! You had me sweating in my boots. I almost got up and left!”

  Her laugh is consuming her, making it difficult to talk, “You are not wearing boots,” she stammers out, hissing through her teeth.

  “I know, it is just an expression.” Her laughter is getting contagious. I try and fight the vibrating sensation rolling in my stomach, but the urge is too strong. The deep belly laugh explodes out of me, sending me into an uncontrolled fit of laughter. The pendulum of emotions undulates through me, causing my mind to spin, not quite sure of what we are laughing about.

  Breaking free from our facetious laughter I gain some control asking, “Does this mean you forgive me?”

  Slowly her laughter dissipates, leaving her slightly panting, “Breanna, I forgave you that night. I knew why you were pushing me away.” Her breathing slowly resumes its normal pace. A sympathetic expression comes over her, causing her eyes to glisten with respect, “You love my brother. And for some bloody reason you feel you don’t…no, you can’t have him.”

  A flood of tears threatens to spill over the protective dam holding them at bay. I have never cried this much. I was always the tough one, constantly holding myself together. Now it seems like all my pent up emotions have been set free. Her hand tenderly envelops mine, squeezing it with a reassuring grasp. “There is a reason. When I left you to listen in on Callum and your mother, I heard the truth. My world can never mix with yours.” Swallowing firmly, I push the thick lump in my throat back down, forcing my tears to stand down. Continuing I add, “Your mother also paid me a visit this past weekend, reiterating what I already knew.”

  “What in bloody hell was she thinking? My mother never raised us to treat people like that.” Anger now takes ownership within her body, causing her voice to quiver.

  “She was thinking like a mother, wanting the best for her son and the best is not me.” Closing my eyes I exhale forcefully, pushing out the trepidation surging within my chest, “I am leaving, going back to America, as soon as this Easter term is over…”

  “Like bloody hell you are,” she interrupts, tossing my hand away as her body erupts to an erect position, gazing at me with a firm look of dissidence.

  Her rigid voice causes me to recoil, startling me slightly, “Olivia, it is for the best. As long as I am here Callum will not be able to move forward, neither will I. Besides, my life is an alcoholic mother and a trailer trash future,” my voice vibrates with self-loathing.

  “Bloody hell Breanna, that is not your life, it is your excuse,” her teeth bite off the last word, cutting through it like a crisp apple.

  “It is not my excuse! I have tried everything to break free from its tenacious pull. But no matter how hard I try to escape, my reality slaps me in the face.” A surge of anger bubbles inside of me, “Besides, you don’t understand, you live in a picture perfect world…”

  “Blimey, you’re right,” she utters facetiously. Her voice is thick with disdain as she mocks my comparison, “We just had a bloody photographer out at our house, taking pictures of our perfect family,” her tongue snaps on the word perfect. “There is my overbearing mother who only married my father for his social stability. Next is my emotionally distant father, who cares more about his public career than his own family. My half-brother, who is being forced to take a path that will unavoidably ruin his life. And then there is me, the daughter who screams to be heard over all the chaos. So, yes, I guess you are right, we do have a picture perfect family. Or shall I say,
a normal family. Though our residences are different, we are still the same. I am also trailer rubbish, just shut behind a posh door. Everyone has trials, no one is immune to them, but you don’t see me running away from them.”

  “Exactly, I ran away from them when I came here. Perhaps I need to face my world head on, and the only way I can do that is to go back.” Shaking my head dejectedly, I utter softly, “Why did I come here? I should have never kept my promise to Andrew, he would have never known anyways.”

  I hunch over, burying my face in my hands, attempting to hide my emotions. A sudden quiet stillness rolls over me. Even the chirping birds have ceased in their joyful singing. The echoing hum of all the students heading to their classes rings in the far corners of my ears, making it sound like they are walking through a long tunnel. My body slowly quivers as I try to push my emotions back down into the pit of my stomach.

  “Breanna, you were supposed to come here, not because your late husband told you to. Blimey, can’t you see why?” Olivia’s voice drops to a near whisper, enhancing her sharp British accent, “You leave now, you will be running away from your future and into the arms of your torrid past.”

  “At least it will be into the arms of something willing to hold me,” I chime in. “I am sorry Olivia, but there is nothing you can do or say to change my mind, so you might as well give up.” I stand up quickly, causing my weak legs to quiver under my weight. I have been sitting pretzel style for so long my feet and legs have gone numb. Fighting through the prickling sensation, I stand erect, gazing down into Olivia’s firm yet tender eyes.

  “Well, Breanna, I guess I misjudged you. I thought you were a bloody fighter, but I was wrong. You just submit to whatever is thrown at you.”

  “That is not true. I have had to fight for everything in my life.”

  Olivia stands up, attempting to meet my gaze head on, but her petite frame causes her to stand several inches below me, “If you leave then it is true, and my brother deserves someone who will fight for him as hard as he is willing to fight for her.”

  “I am exhausted. I can’t fight any more.”

  “Then good-bye Breanna, I hope you will be happy in the life you have chosen,” she walks tenaciously past me, sending tingling vibrations rushing through me. Her firm, distant face reflects her vexation towards me.

  A cold chill brushes over the epidermis layer of my skin causing my body to prickle with goose-bumps. A sick feeling deep in my gut pushes up as I watch Olivia walk away. Though Olivia believes it is my choice to leave, she is wrong. Choice is a luxury saved for those with hope, and hope disintegrated the moment I overheard Callum and his mother’s conversation. Resolve now spins rapidly in my head, grasping the unyielding truth of who I am and what I will become. Firmly gripping hold of my emotions, clenching down on my jaw, I hastily head to class.

  Awkward

  A lingering wave of negative tenacity brushes over the surface of my mind, expelling a pessimistic attitude. The dark aura seeping out of me like deadly gas from a toxic waste facility fills the classroom with a thick layer of tension. The herd of fellow classmates pours through the entrance to the room, adding a layer of their exuberant attitudes into the mix, diluting my nay-saying attitude. Slowly I encompass the dark, street-smart temperament I was raised with yet fought so hard to deny, causing everyone to avoid me like the black plague; which is what I am right now, a plague infecting those around me.

  The door to the classroom is left ajar, allowing all the students to freely flow into the room. Turning towards the entrance I instantly notice Callum and Olivia standing out in the hall talking. Olivia’s petite frame is dwarfed next to Callum’s tall, lean physique. His frame instantly increases in girth and height as he reacts to something she has just divulged, causing him to look like a medieval warrior. The muscles in his jaw quiver in revolt from the strain he is inflicting on them. Gripping his fists tightly together triggers the lean muscles in his arms to amplify, putting excessive pressure against his sleeves. An awkward silence looms between them as Olivia continues divulging – I can only assume – my surreptitious decision to leave. His eyes narrow with rage as his gaze deliberately turns in my direction. His normal soft caramel eyes blaze with disappointment while he stares deep into my eyes. A piercing sting sears through my soul with regret, yet a subtle glimmer of satisfaction ripples on the surface of my mind. Though I did not want Olivia to divulge my plan to Callum, the subconscious part of my mind clearly knows what is taking place. As if my mind is attempting to take revenge on him for the deceitful lies and pain he inflicted on me.

  Reacting to his ominous stare I twist the corner of my mouth up revealing a treacherous smile. His head shakes slightly back and forth as he utters something to Olivia. She too turns in my direction, giving me a matching smile, though hers is filled with satisfaction over her obvious choice to tell Callum. Deep down I know she is hoping that her apparent tattle tailing may perhaps hinder my decision to leave. But there is nothing she or Callum can do to change my mind. Olivia stretches up on her tiptoes, giving Callum a strong hug as she whispers something in his ear. The subtle words obviously have something to do with me, because he turns once again in my direction with a look of complete understanding searing within his face.

  Mr. Bramble walks past Callum, tenderly giving him a double ‘man slap’ on his back, bringing his attention to the forefront that it is time to start class. Callum proudly walks into the room. Walking past me he lightly taps the top of my table, getting my attention. He softly utters, “We need to talk.”

  Shaking my head in refusal, I whisper firmly, “No, we don’t.”

  A determined smile spreads across his face as he adds threateningly, “You are not physically strong enough to stop me. If I have to throw you over my shoulder and carry you someplace – I will.” He arrogantly strolls off to his table, wearing a triumphant smile.

  I am left sitting, unable to move at my table, feeling the reverberating, alarming and yet slightly lascivious remark spin within my mind. The thought of Callum forcefully overpowering me leaves my body burning in want. My skin becomes highly sensitive, feeling the air dance across the surface. My mind instantly recalls all the times Callum claimed his power over me. Though I try hard to push the mental image down, my mind is not cooperating. Olivia is right, I love Callum, and as long as I am around him I will be in his power. This is a perfect example. Though I know it is best to stay away from him, just the thought of having him grab hold of me, refusing to let me go, sets my skin on fire. Heat pulsates through me, causing my skin to ignite as I stare down at my table, trying to gain control. Vibrating from the far corner of my mind I hear my last name echo in the distance.

  “Miss Hayes!” the booming voice explodes through my torrid thoughts.

  A rumbling roar of laughter bursts all around me, instantly bringing my mind back to reality. Looking around the room I am completely taken back by the sudden change of seating arrangements. There are several groups consisting of two or three people sporadically placed throughout the room. Complete dismay washes over me as to how I could have missed the obvious shuffling of students all around me. My mind spins in confusion as the students continue their laughter. Echoing from the front corner of the room a female voice reverberates above all the laughter stating, “Bloody barmy wanker.”

  “Emily, belt up!” a smooth, low voice coming from the back of the room cuts through the noise.

  “Miss Hayes, are you alright?” Mr. Bramble states questioningly.

  “Yes, I am fine. I am sorry, I was just lost in thought, that’s all.”

  “You are lost al ’right,” Gavin chimes in. Suddenly a deep and forceful throat clearing echoes from the back, causing Gavin to utter a quick apology.

  “Miss Hayes, we are separating into groups to prepare for the final exam.”

  “Okay, what group am I in?” I state hesitantly, not wanting to necessarily be paired up with anyone right now.

  “You are back with your same partner…Mr.
Hughes. He is waiting for you in the back of the room.”

  My heart instantly drops into the pit of my stomach, causing me to feel slightly sick. Callum had just stated his intentions on talking with me, but I am not ready to talk, let alone sit so close to him right now. My mind is still vibrating with all the lewd thoughts spinning around in my head. I am not trustworthy right now. No matter how hard I try to lock my heart into the ironclad safe, Callum’s sedulous eyes hold a mysterious key, emancipating my heart.

  Laboriously I get up, walking towards the back of the room where Callum sits languidly wearing a large mischievous smile. His well-built body is heightened by his aged blue jeans and a soft, athletic cut V-neck shirt silhouetting his substantial pecks and smooth valley between them. His velvety skin rolls up his neck and marries beautifully into his clean-shaven square jaw. The soft skin of his neck vibrates slightly just under the sharp corner of his mandible. His buttery smooth caramel eyes scan mine for any emotion he can use against me. Fighting back all my anxiety, I hastily transform my lascivious emotions into hate, knowing that where love lives hate resides there also. The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference, and until I don’t care about Callum I am in danger of still loving him.

  Placing my chair gingerly in front of him, I gaze angrily into his eyes. A conflicting sensation encapsulates me, wanting to both slap him and kiss him at the same time. Masking my capricious desires with a firm poker face I am able to retain the searing stare he has on me.

  “What are we supposed to go over?” I ask firmly, trying to hide my quivering voice.

  His eyes suddenly lose their arrogant luster, revealing a soft, yet serious expression, “Olivia tells me you are leaving as soon as your classes are done.” His eyes scan my motionless body, waiting for me to unearth my plans.

  Our eyes begin a dueling match over control. Holding onto his gaze I utter flatly, “Yes.”

  “She says that you are running from what you want, back to the life you think you should have.”

 

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