by Jillian Hart
She wanted to pretend he was a stranger, a man she did not know. It felt as if parts of her cracked again after she’d worked so hard to keep together. Panic crept through her and she pushed away. “I’m fine, Hawk. I just need to get out of here, that’s all.”
“I don’t think you’re fine. You’re going to need stitches.” His gaze raked across her face like a touch. “You’ve got quite a concussion. And what about that arm? That’s going to need surgery.”
“I’m alive. That’s fine in my book.” Maybe she sounded a little harsh, but it had been a terrible day and a worse night. Seeing him suddenly like this was the last thing she could deal with. She couldn’t risk going back to that dark, broken place. “All I need is one of those harness things. Can you call up for one?”
“Better yet, you can ride with me.” He sounded calm and unwavering. He was a fine soldier; seeing her again and remembering what had happened to Tim wasn’t likely to throw him.
Unlike her. She caught sight of the extra harness hooked into his, and her knees wobbled. His hand shot out, steadying her by the elbow, the strength and heat of his touch seared like a burn. She didn’t want to go up with him. “Maybe someone else—”
“We have to hurry, September.” His gaze turned grim, the only hint at what he might be feeling. His shadowed face became a hard mask, impossible to read. “We don’t want to keep the bird waiting.”
“I don’t need the helicopter.”
“It’s the best way.” He had been calm on the night after they had buried Tim, too, a steady rock in the darkness. “I don’t call the shots.”
“But I don’t want—” She couldn’t finish. Her skull felt ready to explode from pain. Her stomach cramped with light nausea. She couldn’t keep arguing with him, but how could she let him take her into his arms? She fisted her hands. She was not strong enough.
“You don’t want to cost Crystal valuable time.” Gentleness blended with cold-hard steel. He wrapped the harness around her hips and secured the strap, so close she could see the whorl of dark hair at his crown and smell the clean scent of his shampoo. His gaze latched on to hers with the force of the earth on the moon. “Put your arms around me.”
If Crystal hadn’t been waiting on her, she never would have done it. One thought of the girl had her wrapping her arms around Hawk’s wide, muscled chest. She laid her cheek against his shirt pocket and squeezed her eyes shut, remembering the night she had refused his sympathy and the kind embrace of Tim’s best friend. His heart walloped beneath her ear. The fabric of his BDUs roughly caressed her cheek as the iron band of his arms embraced her. The rope tugged, lifting them off the ground.
She had to will away the memories whispering at the edges of her mind and force them into silence again. Looking back wouldn’t change the truth. It wouldn’t make her whole and strong again. It wouldn’t return Tim to her. Would Hawk understand that? They began to sway, oddly buoyant as the rope drew them upward.
“You doin’ okay?”
She nodded.
“You’re not gonna pass out on me, are you?”
Choosing silence again, she shook her head. Hands were reaching out for her.
“Careful of her left arm,” Hawk called out.
She felt someone grab her good arm to hoist her to her feet. She opened her eyes to see the gloomy bowl of the sky and the brightly lit wooded area. A dozen search-and-rescue team members were busy at work, manning the ropes, running the lights or talking on squawking radios. A search dog barked at his handler, excited by her arrival, as if he had been worried, too. She looked everywhere but at the man with one arm still around her. Even on solid ground, she felt as if she were swaying in midair.
Hawk was talking, rattling off her injuries, unhooking the carabineer connecting them, and her harness fell away. Other soldiers helped her onto a gurney. She didn’t want to, but her head was spinning. She realized the volunteers were from nearby Fort Lewis, where the Ranger battalion Tim had belonged to was stationed. She’d been introduced to some of the men at one time or another, men who were faceless now in the shadowy dark. She let them strap her down and check her vitals.
“You did great.” He knelt at her side, his hair slick with sweat, and his granite face compassionate. “You saved that girl’s life. You knew what to do and you did it.”
“I didn’t do much. I raised her feet. I kept her quiet. I gave her my sweatshirt.”
“It’s the simple stuff that can make the most difference. You kept her as stable as you could until help came.” The gurney bounced as the men lifted her. He stayed by her, carrying his share of her weight. “You did good.”
“I know what you’re doing. You’re distracting me from my injuries so they don’t seem as bad.”
“Someone will splint that arm for you in the chopper. I’m glad you’re okay, September. I’m glad I found you.” He kept his voice casual and easy.
“Thank you, Hawk.”
“Sure thing.” He kept his footing, not easy on the rocky edge of the steep trail. They were closer to the bird now, the engine noise making it too loud to say much. He had enough light to see her better, the silk of her cinnamon-brown hair, her smooth creamy complexion and her lovely, oval face. She was not the same woman he remembered. Gone was her sparkle, her quick, easy manner that twinkled like summer stars. Sure enough, Tim’s loss had been hard on her.
She wasn’t alone with that.
Strange how God worked, he thought, as he ducked against the draft from the blades. While he hadn’t seen her in years, time and the rigors of active duty hadn’t obliterated her from his memory.
Why was it so easy to remember the good times? They flashed through his mind unbidden and unwanted. Seeing her picture for the first time when Tim had dug it out of his wallet after joining their battalion. Meeting her at a bowling party when their scheduled picnic had been rained out—typical Seattle-Tacoma weather. Hearing about her in the letters Tim read when they’d been sharing a tent and griping good-naturedly about their time in the desert. Those were innocent times, before he’d lost one of his lifelong friends. Before he’d had to deal with the harsh realities of war.
“On three,” their sergeant barked, and they lifted her into the chopper. Hawk hopped in after, glancing at Crystal, stabilized and prepped, before his gaze lingered on September’s face. Even in the harsh light, she was beautiful.
“You want me to call anyone?” he asked her, taking her good hand, careful of the IV. “Your mom?”
“Don’t trouble her. I can take care of myself.” That was it, no more explanation. She didn’t meet his gaze.
He could feel the wall she put up between them like a concrete barrier. Was she mad because he had missed Tim’s funeral? His plane had come in late. He’d flown halfway around the world, and military transports weren’t the most on-time birds in the sky. Had she been alone? Tim’s brother, Pierce, had been there, but he couldn’t remember the details, like if her family lived nearby. Anyway, he and Pierce had flown out that night, leaving her desolated in the cold rain.
“Anyone else I can contact?”
“There’s no one.” She turned her head away and swallowed hard, as if she were in emotional pain. The shadows hid her, but he could feel her sadness.
The captain tapped him on the shoulder. Time to go. He hated that he couldn’t say goodbye; she didn’t want to hear it. He hated what his presence was doing to her. Some memories were best left buried. He knew how that was.
His boots hit the ground, and he got clear. Dirt rose up in clouds as the bird took off, hovering off the ground for a moment as if battling gravity, then turning tail and lifting purposefully into the starless black.
“Was that September Stevens, Tim’s former fiancée?” Reno asked as they watched the taillights grow distant.
“Yep.” That was all he could say. Something sat in his throat, refusing to let him say more. He, Tim and Pierce had all been buddies since they were kids. They’d been neighbors back home in Wyoming, runnin
g wild in the foothills of the Rockies. They’d called themselves the dynamic trio back then, naive kids in a different world. War had changed that. War changed a lot of things.
He thought of September and her broken heart. There was some serious pain there. He felt for her, but it was why he kept clear of relationships. His life as a Ranger wasn’t conducive to long-term commitment. It was his experience that love didn’t necessarily grow fonder half a world apart. What he did was dangerous. Tim hadn’t been the only soldier buried over the recent conflicts defending this country’s freedom. He couldn’t justify putting a woman through that, waiting and wondering, fearing with every phone call or knock on the door that he was dead. Seeing September was all the proof he ever needed of that.
He couldn’t say why, but she stayed on his mind, a sad and beautiful image he could not forget.
Chapter Two
“How are you feeling today?” The hospital volunteer flashed a sunny smile as she set the bouquet of flowers onto September’s bedside table.
“Better.” In some ways, but not in others. She smoothed the wrinkles out of her hospital gown. For one thing, this had to go. She felt vulnerable in it. She carefully adjusted her casted forearm on the pillow. “I get to go home.”
“Great news.” The volunteer stepped back to admire the small collection of flowers. “I’m going to come by the riding stable you work for. I’ve always wanted to take lessons. I don’t suppose you teach beginners. I don’t even have a horse.”
“You can rent one along with your lesson. It’s done all the time.” September reached for the pen and notepad on the bedside table, ignored the twinge of pain in her skull and the bite beneath her cast. She scribbled down the stable’s phone number. “When you call, ask for me. I’ll give your first lesson free, although you will have to spring for the horse rental.”
“That would be fantastic. Thank you.” The volunteer brightened and looked younger than September had first guessed. Maybe in her early thirties or late twenties. It reminded her that everyone went through tough times. Everyone had a challenging road to walk. The volunteer padded to the door. “Oh, it looks like you have a visitor. A totally handsome one.”
That could only mean one man—Hawk. She didn’t know anyone else who could be described as totally handsome. She expected dread to build inside her like a river dam, but it didn’t.
“Hey there.” Hawk waited for the volunteer to clear the room before he leaned one brawny shoulder against the doorjamb. He clutched a small vase of gardenias in one capable hand. “Thought I would swing by and check on you. See how you’re doing.”
“Good, considering.” She hugged the bedcovers to her, aware that they were practically alone together. The nurses at the station a few doors down felt very far away.
“You look much better than the last time I saw you. Trust me.” A hint of a grin tugged at the spare corners of his mouth, but his gaze remained serious and kind. “I hear they’re springing you today.”
“Yes, they’re releasing me on my own recognizance.” She wanted to keep things light and on the surface, to hide the fact that she was numb inside, like winter’s frozen ground. It was better that way. This was how she had survived Tim’s burial and moved on. Today was simply another day, like so many had been, one she needed to get through one step at a time, one breath, one moment. Seeing Hawk didn’t change a thing.
“I meant to come by sooner, but you know how it is. Duty calls.” He strode into the room like some kind of action hero, confident and athletically powerful and mild mannered all at once. “I didn’t know if you wanted to see me again, but I had to look at you and know for myself that you are going to be all right.”
It hurt to look at him. Not only because of Tim—but also because of the hardship etched on Hawk’s face. She studied him as he set the vase on the night table with the several other arrangements, the sweet gardenia scent mixing pleasantly with the roses and carnation bouquets. Her skin prickled at his nearness like a warning buzzer going off to announce that he was too near. She could smell the sunshine on his T-shirt and the faint scent of motor oil on his faded denims.
This close, she could see the lines etched at the corners of his eyes, ones that hadn’t been there the last time she’d seen him. She wrapped her arm around her middle like a shield. He’d had his losses, his trials and his sorrows. She was not looking at the same man she’d once known as Hawk, in those long-ago-seeming days before Tim’s death. War and loss had changed him, too.
“You have family coming for you?” The sunlight from the window spilled over him, gilding him. With his muscled frame straight and strong, he resembled the noble warrior he was.
And exactly why was she noticing that? She had no interest in love anymore. She would never fall for another soldier. It was that simple. She stared hard at a fraying thread in the hem of the blanket covering her instead of meeting his gaze. “My sister is running late. She’s taking me home.”
“You still have an apartment near the post?”
“No.” She was surprised he had remembered her little one-bedroom place in a pretty gray building along a greenbelt. He’d attended Tim’s birthday party, the only one Tim had been home for through their entire relationship. “I’ve got a town house now, not far from where I work.”
He didn’t say the obvious, that both she and Tim had been saving up to buy a house after they were married. She had invested her savings in a place of her own instead.
“Look, September. I never thought we’d meet again.” He squared those impressive shoulders of his. “I thought about looking you up and seeing how you were. But I was afraid it would be too painful for you. I can see it is.”
“It’s okay.” She wasn’t the only one hurting. She might not have known him well—he’d been one of Tim’s best friends, not hers—but she could see he had walked a hard road, too. “I’ve thought about finding you or Tim’s brother, on and off. I wanted to, but I could never make myself do it.”
“You wanted to see me?”
She nodded. He and Tim had been together at those last moments. Hawk held the answers to the questions that had kept her wondering. But would asking them bring up as much sadness for him as it did for her? “You missed his funeral.”
“Not my idea, but I made it for the wake. I didn’t get a chance to talk to you.” His brows knit together and he leaned back against the wall, pensive and dark. “You could have asked me then, but you refused to speak to me.”
“I was hurting too much. I wasn’t ready to hear about what happened over there. I had lost my one true love. I was torn apart. I couldn’t stand to know the details.”
“Don’t blame you there.”
“But I had questions later. After the first shock of loss faded, I thought of all the things I should have asked, things that I needed to know. And you were far away and unreachable.”
“I’m sorry about that.” He felt helpless. He should have looked her up. He should have made sure she was all right.
“There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to know the answers.” Her confession came as softly as a hymn, resonating deep within him.
Ranger School had taught him how to lead, how to fight and how to accomplish his goal the right way, no excuses allowed. He might have led missions in the most dangerous places in the world, but facing the pretty brunette in front of him, he was at a loss. He was well trained and fearless, but right now all his training meant little. He did not know how to ease her grief. She had loved Tim deeply.
“You let me know which side wins out.” It was all he could do for her. “If you want answers, I will give you what I can.”
“Thanks, Hawk, and the flowers are lovely. My favorite.” Although she sat straight and sweetly, the corners of her mouth fought to hold steady. Shadows dimmed the bronze depths of her eyes, which had once sparkled and twinkled with abundant joy.
It was hard seeing the change in her. She looked like a woman who no longer laughed or who no longer knew how to live.
Sympathy squeezed his hard heart. “I picked up a few things hanging out with the Granger brothers. Tim was always sending you gardenias. I figured there had to be a reason.”
“A slight one.” She didn’t need to say how much she had appreciated that about her man.
Hawk could see it. He felt drawn to her in a way that was beyond sympathy. The tightness in his chest was much more than a man’s concern over a woman he had rescued. The past connected them like a bridge across a river, taut and undeniable. He’d been a fool to come; it had been the right thing, but foolish. In the end, he couldn’t stay away. “I made a mistake with the flowers. They’ve reminded you of Tim.”
“Yes, but it was thoughtful.” She tried to put a bandage on her pain with a tentative smile, but he wasn’t fooled.
“I didn’t think. I just remembered—”
“I know,” she interrupted, saving him from feeling in the wrong. She was gentle and kind that way. Lovely, not just on the outside but inside, where it truly counted. “I haven’t received flowers in a long time. Now look at all of this. Fall down an old mine shaft and I get all this attention.”
She was trying to steer away from talk of the past and of everything that hurt, too. Relieved, he went with it and put on a grin. Maybe it was best to leave sad things in the shadows. “How did you get down there, anyway?”
“You don’t want to know.” She played with the blanket hem, her long, sensitive fingers working a blue thread. Her sleek brown hair fell around her face like a shield. “I made a mistake.”
“Who hasn’t at one time or another?”
“I should have been more strict with Crystal, but she’s one of my favorite students.”
“Plus, you are a pushover. At least, that’s my best impression of you.”
“I’ve been called worse.” She twirled a loose thread around her fingers, hating the way her hand trembled. She fought to stay numb, keeping the broken pieces safely frozen as if they were nothing, nothing at all. “Crystal’s mare was sidestepping and acting weird.”