by Chris Barker
I LOVE YOU.
Chris
19 September 1945
My Darling,
It seems a long long time since I heard from you. I cannot understand your pathetic little ‘No letters, no letters, none at all’, as I have written daily and will always do so, though (as I have explained) it may be that my letters must be curtailed – against my will – on occasions.
Please don’t tear up your letters to me – send them. Put a pencil through them if you like, to show the undecided state you are in. But please, please, please, send me what you think.
I am very glad that Mum paid 27 Woolacombe a visit again and I hope you can continue them. I know that she is extremely pleased that (as it seems to her) others are interested and ‘want’ her. I know how I should feel if you didn’t ‘want’ me. That is how Mum has persuaded herself to be over Bert’s legitimate if precipitate declarations. (The news in her letter to you that she has burned all our letters is a big disappointment to me. I had such a lot of anecdotes hidden in my letters home. All my Army antics. It’s a cut at me.)
Am glad you received the knife and scissors. It is a ladies’ knife, is it not? Glad you did not pay duty. Bert paid 8s. for two knives I sent him (one for him and one for Archie), a blooming twist.
And all the time I am thinking of you: your new photo in my pocket: the hairs on a piece of paper which says ‘I love you’: your preciousness, your real wisdom, your gentleness.
I love you.
Chris
22 September 1945
Dearest,
I do not feel very happy at the thought of your self-made misery, yet how can I administer a corrective without being much blunter than I wish? What I am continually sorry about is that you cannot spread inside you the idea that I love you and that NOTHING ELSE MATTERS. Regardless of what popular novelists may or may not say, I do not feel that I shall be equal to the task, or even willing to perform, spectacular exhibitions at regular intervals to persuade you that I love you. My wish (at 31) is to settle down in mutual confidence and trust, and share both our joys and sorrows, so that our joys may be doubled and our sorrows lessened in the process. I rather think that it must be my Mother who is the cause of your present ‘struggles’, and this is a particularly obvious case of where I am impelled to pursue a course by circumstance rather than choice.
If you think and think about something without reference to me, you are failing in your obligation to trust me and my desire to help you. I do not say we do not require education in the ‘US’ way of looking at things, but I do feel you are holding on much too tightly to your right to fret and worry on your own. What am I for, if not to help? PLEASE do not think I am ‘hurt’ ‘by all this’. All I am doing is to try to help you out of your chronic independence of thought. My love for you is strong, and you must learn to use it. From now on, try and write me all about our leave, and say what you want rather than you suppose I can judge better. There are many things in which we must take equal part. How we spend the 28 days? If ‘you and I’ was all that need be considered, I should suggest going away for 28 days and spending every moment of every day saying ‘you’re lovely’. But, of course, that can’t be done.
Mum. Your Dad. A few friends. Bert has asked me to see Mrs Wicks if possible, and so on. So what we have to decide is what we will do, not what we want to do.
It is not possible to disregard others. When we think of them we shouldn’t let them upset us.
My Darling, My Dearest, let us try harder to understand each other and the meaning and application of our love.
I love you.
Chris
23 September 1945
My Darling,
I am inclining to the view that you really ought to give up the South Kens job when I have departed, and really take a rest, as complete as possible, so that you can have a physical and mental free-wheel for a time, and concentrate on our future life together, which is now a near thing.
About concentrating on ‘our future life together’, I mean that you could do some unhurried thinking, some cool reading and so on, about housekeeping. I am not suggesting it is wise to ‘swot’ how to make a bed, but I mean as regards getting things together, or preparing a list of the things we would need. Do you think we could get a little booklet in which we could insert items we want, to get the ‘bricks and mortar’ going? Although we may need to live in someone else’s home, I think you would agree that we should acquire our own ‘wherewithal’ as early as practicable. I enclose an idea for you to think about. I suggest we prepare for a two-roomed establishment, with kitchen-scullery (I know it is not ambitious), draw up a list and cross out the item when it is acquired. I have inserted your possessions that I remember and my own, except that in my case I recognise that they are not quite what you want. I hope you agree with my wish to press ahead with the preparation of a list with a view to the acquisition of things as they become available and reasonable in price.
It would be pleasant, no doubt, to have bags of money and buy all that was required without trouble. But we must get down to this one day, and I think it not too soon, now. We can do a lot of these things by letter, and I hope we will. (For example, we could discuss what we think of buying some kinds of secondhand things, and so on.)
Unbelieving though you may sometimes be, contrarily though I may occasionally appear to act, you are my life, my all. I see the future with you, and there is none without you.
I LOVE YOU.
Chris
24 September 1945
Dearest,
This is where we went today, a trip by car across Exmoor to the Doone Valley. It really was glorious, and the weather though chilly was good, lots of sunshine. How about starting up a cafe in Devon with cars for hire? My goodness I should think you’d make your fortune in a season. 6 in the car at £1 per head for an all round trip of about 70 miles. The people who shared the car were very nice and we all enjoyed it.
My cold is still hovering and I am swallowing aspirins for dear life. I had a bath tonight, hoping it would help to keep it at bay. Felt disappointed to find no mail, am wondering how you are getting on with your course, the place looks delightful. It had a wonderful write up in the Encyclopaedia. I wonder if one day we will be able to go abroad. I have a desire to go with you sometimes, some place. It’s rotten not sharing these things now, isn’t it? To be doing things together. We have a retired chap here of 80, who works in wood for a hobby, lovely stuff, also he haunts antique shops and collects things, ivory, old silver etc. He lives at this place, and works in a garage, Tonight he is entertaining us with records of Tauber.* I think he is retired Indian Civil Service. I felt inspired by his woodwork, want to do some myself, so satisfying.
I fell for a couple of books in an Ilfracombe shop. A new appreciation of Kipling by Hilton Brown – some of it is enraging me, odd how subjective our criticism is. Also one of Bertrand Russell’s, Conquest of Happiness. Have only had a glance at that so far, but looks good, he is a wise old bird, one of the greatest minds of today, with real commonsense thrown in, an unusual combination for a scholar. Did you know he was more or less thrown out of one of our universities (Cambridge I believe, not too sure), but feel that is a recommendation. Excuse this rather chatty epistle, but this is an evening of being surrounded by people. I hope tomorrow brings news of you, if only a note.
Goodnight Dear Heart. I Love You.
Bessie
* ’Python’ was slang for army leave due after a particular length of service, usually four years. A soldier’s ‘return’ suggested a snake eating its own tail.
* A second atomic bomb was dropped on Nagasaki on this date, three days after the first destroyed Hiroshima.
* Richard Tauber, Austrian tenor.
9
What Is Truth?
25 September 1945
EVERY DAY IS ONE DAY NEARER.
My Own, Wonderful Woman,
Well, it is off my chest at last. I delivered my speech on ‘The Press’ this mo
rning and am now safe to contemplate returning to the unit without any ordeal yet to come. It went down fairly well, though I floundered and fiddled and didn’t get half of the lesson done. But the teacher said it was very good, and I can’t do anything about it. The trouble is that our teacher has praised all who spoke so far, and is not very discriminating. I have been selected to represent our class at a quiz, tomorrow night, so I hope I shall know the answers, or at least be able to think up some decent repartee. Tonight there is a Debate on the Atom Bomb. I could have been principal speaker ‘Deploring the discovery’ – but decided not to do it, especially as I don’t agree it should be deplored any more than some other things. I hope to speak for three minutes against the motion this afternoon.
Regarding your weight, I hope you didn’t feel I brushed the question too brusquely aside. I hope my short chance to worship you as you deserve to be worshipped will correct some of your little troubles. But have you tried regularly taking cod liver oil or some such help?
I am pleased you got the first leg of the stocking. I know jolly well it is one thing you really do want anytime. But the cost and my fear of your disappointment at me being ‘done’ is the thing that has stopped me so far. I hope the second leg turned up OK, and depending on what you say about their quality, I will try to get some more if I pass through Rome on the return journey. I have another pair in my kitbag which I may decide to bring home with me – and put on your lovely legs with my own trembling, wanting hands.
My Darling, I hope we can get married within twenty-four hours of my arrival in London. I want you so much.
I love you.
Chris
26 September 1945
My Dearest,
The Debate went off well, with the motion ‘That this House deplores the discovery of atomic energy’ being defeated 47–18. I made what I think would be described as an ‘effective’ speech in opposition.
One thing I believe I have not mentioned in any letter so far is that several times since I have been here, I have felt tremors, caused by earthquakes of minor importance, which are always occurring in this part. It is rather strange to be lying in bed, and find it shake a good deal, as though a tram had passed by outside, or a 20 stone man was doing a tap dance at its foot.
Do you ever wake up in the night and, finding me not with you, feel yourself robbed? I think you must do, because it often happens to me. I wake up and am momentarily surprised you are not by my side. Then I feel, ‘Ooh-er, I have been robbed.’
INTERVAL. I am now able to tell you that I didn’t disgrace myself in the Quiz, which is now over. Four questions were asked, 3 marks each. I got 7½ out of 12, my side scored 18½ altogether, so I was well up on the average. My team was second, the top team got only 24 (48 the max). My questions were: (1) Who said ‘What is truth?’ and did not wait for the answer? Correct answer: Pontius Pilate. (Mine: jokingly, GB SHAW – for which I got two marks, ingenuity.) (2) Who was ‘Boz’? Correct answer: Dickens. My answer: ‘The artist who illustrated Dickens’ work’ (1½ marks). (3) Who took part of Mr Chips? My correct answer: Donat, 3 marks. (4) What nationality was Columbus? I said ‘Portuguese’ but he changed it to Scottish (we had a Scot adjudicating). He was Italian, I got 1 mark for cheek.
Now I must go on Guard, my darling, and in the night hours, think of you by yourself in bed. It will not be long before I am with you.
I love you.
Chris
1 October 1945
My Dearest, My Wonderful One,
Isn’t it wonderful to see the days flicking past, October 10th coming gradually nearer, and our hopeful stage coming closer and closer? Even if it should be some time after October 10th I can bear it, as I shall know then that, any moment, someone may sing out ‘Chris boy, your LIAP’s come through’,* and that it will not be more than ten days before once again I am with the wonderful reality of your kindliness, your beauty, your softness and your love.
I am sorry about the non-arrival of both the legs. I posted one on the 15th, another on the 18th. Perhaps the second has gone by ordinary letter post, or been detected, and may reach you with some duty to pay. I doubt if it will really disappear.
We finished off today’s proceedings with Community Singing. ‘Men of Harlech’, ‘Hearts of Oak’, ‘Lincolnshire Poacher’, etc. (Hope you like the song book I sent you.) My class sang ‘Loch Lomond’ – and came first! Despite my grunting tones, which I confessed beforehand.
Have thought just this moment: how about giving a few nuts to your postman? He (she) labours well for us.
I love you.
Chris
9 October 1945
MY DEAREST ONE,
I need no longer say ‘One Day Nearer’. By the time you get this it will be only a very few days before we are together, before we are communing, expressing, telling all.
I have to go for a medical examination at 2 o’clock tomorrow; and on Thursday the 11th, I leave here on the first stage of my journey home, across Europe by rail, over the Channel and land at Dover. It will take no less than 5 days, so I cannot be with you before the 16th, and I doubt if it will take any more than ten days, in which case I shall for certain be home by the 21st. BUT, the last party that left here waited at the Transit Camp for a week before departing, and this must be borne in mind.
Nevertheless, I think you should resign from the office forthwith by handing in a paper indicating your intention. So I shall come to 27 Woolacombe upon getting to London, although I may ring Iris to make sure you have managed to resign OK. Have a word with her to let her know I may be doing so.
You will be able to go to the Registry Office, procure the licence, and ask how much notice they require of the marriage. If I arrived on the 16th or 17th for example, could we tell them at 4 p.m. one day we wanted to marry at 10 a.m. the next? Get that clear. Could we go there at 9 a.m. and ask to be married at 10.30 a.m. same day? You know what we shall require my dear.
Of course, you should not write me further. Or, at least, if you do write, hand me the letters, not post them.
I shall write Bert also tonight, telling him that I am on the way, but that he need not inconvenience himself to attend the ceremony. I want as little fuss as possible and the more people the more fuss one is likely to get. I suppose I shall now be compelled to attend his wedding. And you!
If you are as pleased and thrilled as me, you are very pleased and very thrilled.
Dearest One, I love you.
Chris
10 October 1945
My Darling,
This is not so good news. Our move from the unit has been postponed until the 16th – 5 days.
You can imagine my rage at hearing the news late this afternoon, after a day of rushing around handing in kit, having a medical and waiting for pay. Most of all I cursed the fact that I had raised in your heart the thought of a very early return. I do feel an ass for telling you as soon as I knew we were to go. Apparently some release men from Greece are to take our places. I hope you are not feeling as damned annoyed as I am. But I hope that, like myself, you will recover quickly.
There is no need to alter any of the arrangements, as it is only a holdup, not a cancellation, this being impossible. But, if you like to carry on at work until the last moment, just please yourself. I thought later that perhaps they wouldn’t let you go until you had actually got married.
I could write a terrific lot more, but will leave it for tonight. The extra time here will be in some ways useful for me to do some odd jobs.
Soon I shall be with you. I am sorry for this little further delay. I
love you.
Chris
11 October 1945
My Dearest,
One good thing about not having left today is that I can still get your mail.
MUM AT THE WEDDING. It seems that I have too easily accepted her declining the invitation to be present. In view of what you say I am writing again tonight asking if she will come as a necessary expression of goodwill to us, as you are
rather unhappy at her decision. At least, I will write something like that. Maybe she would come to Blackheath if she cannot stand the ordeal of the ceremony, and make tea for us when we return. With her attitude so much savouring of ‘losing’ me, it is hard to expect her to come to the affair. Oh for Gretna!
It won’t be long now. By the time you get this I should have started on the journey. I am sorry I can’t be sure what date I shall arrive. Mark down the jeweller’s, and have about £5 in cash handy to pay for ring and licence as I shall arrive without more than 5s. (Stockings, undies.) Don’t have more than £5, as Mum will have plenty of my cash in hand.
I love you.
Chris
13 October 1945
My Darling,
Well, for me, half the five days of postponement have now passed, and I am beginning to get a little nervous about further chances of delay! Really, in the blooming Army there’s no knowing; but I don’t think there will be a second delay from here. Of course, if there are rough seas running in the Channel, they will muck up the sailing schedules. But, really, I feel pretty optimistic and hope your own condition is not too ‘jumpy’. Really and truly we are both in the Army, aren’t we!
One thing we must try and avoid is discussion about ‘going back’ if it is going to make us unhappy. Already I am cursing the need for it, and crossing the usual bridges. We must certainly not look on the after-leave period, except to think that, as we are man and wife, we can now have our ROWS with the knowledge that we will not go astray as a result of them, as I think you have apprehensively wondered.
If convenient could you buy me a pair of rubber heels for a man’s shoes that pattern, not the circular type? I believe that the nails are supplied with them. I could do with a pair on my shoes. Thanks. I hope you have your case part-packed. Warm clothes, scarf, the BR umbrella, your little clock; if you get a little bit prepared it will help a lot.