Collision Course

  “Hey,” he said when I sat down beside him. It was a neutral enough greeting, and I wasn’t sure what sort of mood he was in. I had tried very hard to stay away from him this day, hoping maybe he’d enjoy my presence more if I didn’t force it on him constantly.

  “So,” I started, getting settled. “Birthday tomorrow, hm?”

  He shrugged dismissively.

  “Yeah,” he said.

  “You don’t sound very excited about it,” I stated the obvious.

  “I’m another year older. Not really that great.”

  “Right,” I said. I actually understood that quite well. “Anything you want?”

  “From you?” He shrugged again, glancing over at me. “Well, apart from the obvious, not really.” He smiled as he said it, but there wasn’t much humor in it. In fact, I thought, it was kind of an arrogant jackass smile.

  Damn. It wasn’t an almost boyfriend mood. I was pretty sure it was a Blue's a whore mood, actually. My mouth was dry. I wished I could have thought of a good reply that made me feel slightly less like I was the dirt under his fingernails.

  “Right,” was all I managed, looking down at my hands.

  Fuck you, Rhys.

  I didn’t feel like laughing, but I did it anyway when Odie missed the ball and it bounced in my direction and missed me by a hair. Penley had his hands in the air, doing a little victory dance.

  “Sorry, Baby Blue,” he called in my direction.

  “All good,” I called back, and the task of smiling became slightly easier just because Penley, in that very small way, was actually treating me like a person.

  “Well, if you can think of anything else, let me know.” With those words, I stood and turned to go back downstairs. No reason to subject myself to the Blue's a whore mood swing any more than necessary.

  On my way down the stairs, I felt briefly like crying. I choked it back. Red-rimmed eyes would be difficult to hide, and I wasn’t about to look vulnerable and dramatic to the other guys – or Rhys himself. But, damn it, I wished I could have taken that spark of hope I kept carrying around with me and lock it away somewhere so it wouldn’t keep leading to me feeling crushed every time I was disappointed. I couldn’t help the fact that I was falling in love with Rhys, but I was pretty sure there had to be a way to make it hurt less.

  I went to bed early. I didn’t sleep right away, just lay there and thought for a while.

  Once the tour ended, or even just as the upcoming break started, what would happen? Would Rhys expect me to be there again when they continued touring? I wasn’t sure. It didn’t seem terribly likely to me just now. I’d have to go back soon anyway, Zach wouldn’t feed my cats forever, and bills didn’t pay themselves. I had no income while I was on the road. I couldn’t keep this going.

  Closing my eyes, I tried to internalize the fact that I would have to leave soon, and that Rhys probably wouldn’t even particularly care. Maybe thinking about it now would make it hurt just a little less when it happened.

  I was in a half-asleep state when Rhys finally came to bed. He was never particularly quiet when I was in bed and he wasn’t, but I had never complained. I listened to him brushing his teeth, and then he slipped underneath the blankets, causing me to feel the slight movement of the mattress. For a moment I thought he was simply going to go to sleep, but then I felt his arm around my waist, pulling me a bit closer. He brushed my hair aside and kissed my neck, which made me realize that he hadn’t shaved that morning. His two-day-old stubble was abrasive.

  Great. Sex is all I’m good for, apparently.

  I was still in a cranky mood, but didn’t let him feel it. Sex was the reason for my being on this trip, I reminded myself. Rhys owed me nothing beyond that. He’d bought me a phone, and I was getting to travel the country and hang out backstage during concerts. It was an opportunity others might have killed for.

  I arched into him while his hands roamed along my body, pushing down my briefs. I helped him take them off, realizing belatedly that he hadn’t even put on any clothes at all. I went on my knees in an attempt to face him, but he’d moved behind me before I could even complete the motion, and pushed me down as he entered me painfully.

  Great. Rough quickie. What an appropriate end to the day.

  But then his fingers wormed themselves into my hair, and despite my sour mood, I moaned when he pulled and thrust. Despite the roughness and friction he felt good inside me, long and thick, filling me just the way I liked it. He never said a word the entire time, holding his position, thrusting into me, his free hand resting either on the mattress or my lower back. If it hadn’t felt so good, I might have clenched my teeth and hoped for him to finish soon. Emotionally, I was just about done for the day. Finally he came, shooting hot semen into me, moved away, and collapsed onto his pillow. It took him several minutes before he managed to roll out of bed and clean up.

  I curled up on my side of the bed, my back and neck sweaty, my thighs sticky. I closed my eyes. He hadn't used a condom. I had been so preoccupied with my feelings and all of that shit that I hadn't even noticed at first. How much of an idiot was I?

  +++

  The next morning arrived, bright and sunny, surprisingly so for early in the year, but then again, we were in Arizona.

  “Morning sunshine,” I greeted Rhys when he first stirred. He raised his head to give me a sleepy look I couldn’t interpret.

  “I hope you aren’t expecting me to sing,” I said, mostly just to have something to say. I was used to him not answering much in the mornings. “If there’s anything else I can do for you though, just let me know.”

  “Yeah,” he said, and rolled over. There was actually a half-smile on his face when he blinked up at me.

  A moment later, he was getting his birthday blowjob. I actually had fun with that – I preferred it to the disastrous sex of the night before, honestly – and I enjoyed having him in my mouth, hearing the small noises he made whenever I did something he particularly liked, feeling his body tense up as he thrust into my mouth. I took my time and hovered above him with a smile after he’d come and I’d swallowed, trying to figure out whether this had put him in a bit better mood. If so, maybe the blowjob-in-the-morning technique was something to remember for the future.

  He reached down and cupped my chin.

  “Thank you,” he said, sounding placated and peaceful, and pulled me up to lie beside him.

  “You’re welcome.” It was sort of pathetic, I reflected, how a simple thank you could make me forget all about how much of an ass he was. I was smiling at him as though nothing had ever happened to upset me.

  “Happy birthday,” I said.

  “Don’t remind me,” he groaned, and kissed me.

  That was actually sort of impressive. He’d never kissed me after a blowjob before. Plenty of guys didn't like it, and I’d always assumed Rhys to be someone who had an aversion to it.

  We got out of bed soon after and made our way down to the breakfast area, where someone had organized a miniature cake with candles. It wasn’t the only cake Rhys got that day. Big D had organized one, which graced the table of the restaurant we all ate lunch at, and the hotel sent up a small frosted chocolate cake later on. Rhys opened presents throughout the day. True to Angus’ word, new musical equipment was among them. Clothes were as well, mostly funny t-shirts. It made me, once again, feel a bit embarrassed about not having gotten Rhys anything at all, but I didn’t vocalize my discomfort. Maybe I’d be able to give Rhys a back rub that night or do something else along those lines, I reflected. I was certain he would appreciate that.

  We all went out that evening. Rhys didn’t drink, but that didn’t stop him from buying rounds for everyone else, and everyone else to get drunk in honor of the occasion. I stopped after the second shot, but most everyone else kept right on drinking, and soon the bar we’d invaded turned into quite the lively party location. Plenty of random people, most of whom had no idea what we were celebrating, soon mingled. Rhys was pointed out over and over a
gain, and even gave a couple of autographs to those who asked, otherwise just sort of sitting around while everyone else was having fun. There was pool and darts and air hockey, and I soon found myself caught up in the games.

  I has just gotten done with yet another turn at throwing darts when Angus did something very odd.

  “Baby Blue!” he shouted the nickname the crew had adopted for me at some point, stretched out his hands, and grasped my wrists a little too hard. I grinned and let it happen. “How’s it going dude? You having a good night?”

  I wasn’t sure how drunk he was, but when he wouldn’t let go of me even after I’d given an answering nod, I frowned.

  “Why are we holding hands?” I wanted to know.

  Angus looked somewhat at a loss.

  “What?” I asked, and his expression became more serious.

  “Just don’t turn around,” he said.

  I tried to resist the temptation. “Why?” I asked. He promptly sighed and tried a little too hard for a neutral expression.

  I pulled my hands away and turned. At first, I had no idea what he was even talking about, as nothing seemed particularly wrong with the crowd of people. Then I saw Rhys. And then my eyes registered the blond girl that had wrapped herself halfway around him. He didn’t seem to mind, particularly. I could see him laughing, looking at her, his arm around her waist. The sight was immediately painful.

  I turned back.

  “Great,” I said sarcastically, and tried to look as though I was shrugging it off. I was suddenly so numb inside that it wasn’t even particularly difficult.

  Angus wasn’t so easily fooled. “You okay?” he asked.

  I went through a series of facial expressions along with my thoughts.

  “I’m…” I shrugged. “I don’t know,” I said then, resolutely, not willing to show weakness. “Guess I’ll find out.”

  I played darts with a vengeance after that. Every once in a while, I couldn’t resist turning again, like a goddamn masochist. Rhys was still with the girl. She was pretty, I could see even from across the room, thin, with her skin tan and her long legs and heels giving her an extra height advantage. She seemed like the rock-star-groupie-type. I supposed it had only been a matter of time.

  At some point, I lost track of them. I was actually glad of it, because it was easier that way to pretend that everything was alright. The pain didn’t vanish, but it got a little easier to bear if I didn’t think about it too much.

  It was past midnight when I started yawning. I wasn’t the only one either, and soon, a group consisting of Angus, JJ and two other roadies appeared ready to go back to the hotel. I just wanted to get to sleep and leave this whole thing behind me, so I was thankful for the opportunity. I hadn’t much fancied walking back all by myself.

  Not until we were stepping out of the elevator did something finally occur to me.

  “Angus,” I said, and he turned

  “Yeah?”

  “Do you know if Rhys… if…” Helplessly, I tried to convey my meaning with random gestures. I hadn’t seen Rhys leave. I didn’t know whether he was still at the bar with that girl, or whether…

  “I have no idea.” Angus had caught my meaning. He looked like he was feeling rather sorry for me.

  “Great,” I said once more sarcastically, this time with more emphasis, and stomped onwards.

  Angus walked me to my door after the other three had already wandered off to their own rooms. I kind of wanted to declare him the kindest person in the universe solely because of the way he was helping me out just now. He could have easily left me to deal with this on my own, but instead, he braved the awkwardness along with me. When I stepped towards the closed door, I felt the lump in my throat. Could I just walk in? If they really were in there, I’d probably die.

  That didn’t turn out to be necessary, however, when I leaned my ear against the wood. The moans, after a few other breathy sounds, were rather obnoxiously obvious.

  Something inside me just shut down when I heard them. Some sort of self-preservational mechanism kicked into place, and when I leaned back, I was outwardly calm and inwardly felt only a dull throbbing where the sharp pain had been.

  “Right,” I said. “You know somewhere I can crash?”

  “Come on,” he said, and led me to his own room.

  Oz was already there, sitting on one of the two beds and texting on his phone. He looked up as I walked into the room after Angus.

  “Hey,” he said, and raised his eyebrows at me.

  “He’s gonna need a place to sleep for the night.” Angus put it rather diplomatically. I was certain Oz grasped the situation in a second.

  “Oh,” he said, and then watched me as I walked towards him and sat down on the sofa next to the TV. “You okay?”

  I hadn’t honestly expected this amount of concern from either of them. It nearly caused the self-preservation walls to come down, but with some effort, I kept them up. I didn’t want to break down just now.

  “Well,” I said, and then spent a moment considering how much truth I wanted to burden them with. “Not really.”

  “What are you gonna do?” That was Angus.

  At this point, I couldn’t see myself having a choice in the matter.

  “I guess I’ll be going home,” I said plainly. Rhys didn’t care. There was little reason for me to stay.

  Angus studied me for a moment, then nodded.

  “You got money for a plane ticket?”

  I nearly laughed out loud. “No,” I said, then, somewhat more seriously, added, “I’ll figure it out somehow.” I could borrow money from Zach. Probably.

  Wordlessly, Angus walked over to his duffel bag and reached for his billfold.

  I closed my eyes briefly, not sure what to say if he offered me money. I did need it, badly, to get home, but… he’d already done so much for me.

  “Let’s buy you a ticket.” He’d taken out his credit card and now fished for the laptop sitting on the desk. “Not that I want you to leave,” he added, as though to make sure I wasn’t misinterpreting his intentions.

  I didn’t even have the energy to protest.

  “Thank you,” I said, sat down, and slumped pathetically.

  I spent the night on their couch, not really sleeping, but trying not to think, tossing and turning and burning with jealousy and sadness and plain anger for the way Rhys had treated me. I was hurt as hell. I’d probably have a good cry on the way to the airport.

  Angus had booked me a flight in the afternoon, giving me plenty of time to get my things packed and take a cab to the airport. I’d thanked him probably fifty times, until he told me to shut up.

  “Could you do me just one more favor?” I asked when morning had finally come, and I had woken up to feel just as much pain as the night before. “Can you tell me when he’s at breakfast? I really would rather not even talk to him, to be honest. I haven’t got anything to say he doesn’t know already, and I’d rather not do that to myself.”

  “Sure,” he said, left the room, and sent me a text minutes later telling me that the coast was clear.

  I packed my things in a hurry, trying to ignore the mussed-up sheets, the two pillows so close together in the middle of the bed. It was harsh, just those details. They made me picture them, together, enjoying each other and dismissing me as a worthless afterthought to their fun. The air still carried a hint of nauseating perfume.

  I’d kept everything fairly neat to begin with, so packing did not take me long. At the end, hesitating, I pulled out my iPhone and left it plainly visible on the bed. I didn’t want to keep it. There were too many bad memories attached to it now, and, well, I would have felt indecent keeping such an expensive gift, even though my reason for leaving was perfectly valid.

  “It isn’t even just the fact that he’s got some girl in there,” I had informed Angus and Oz the night before. “I mean, he knew I didn’t exactly have anywhere else to sleep. He knew I’d feel humiliated, at the very least. He just didn’t give a fuck
”

  I wondered if he’d invite her along, just like he had done with me. A seamless replacement. Fucking hell, the thought hurt.

  I kept it together all the way until I had actually flagged down a cab and was driving away, leaving it all behind, irrevocably. I told the driver my destination, sat back, and let the tears fall.

  +++

  It was difficult to fall back into the old routine. Apart from Zach, nobody had known where I had gone, and I’d only barely avoided being fired from my workplace because my manager was fond of me and had downgraded me to a seasonal employee. My cats were pissed off about being left alone for so long. My home felt lonely. I was a mess.

  The best thing, I knew, was to keep busy. I undertook several projects at once, cleaning windows, painting the kitchen, sorting boxes I'd put away several years ago. I read the pile of books that I’d meant to get around to for so long. I tried everything I could to force Rhys out of my head. I dreamed of him, on occasion, and usually woke with a rock hard cock or in a puddle of my own come, feeling depressed and elated and full of longing all at once.

  I did sabotage my own efforts, though. I berated myself for looking up Collision In Reverse's tour dates, just to see where the guys would be staying while I was busy working. I couldn’t help imagining Rhys in Portland, in Louisville, in Nashville with that blond girl in his bed, wondering whether she felt even remotely like I had about the whole adventure. Wondering whether he’d replace her soon, too. Whether I, myself had been a replacement for someone else. The more aggressive part of me hoped that he felt at least some fragment of remorse for what he’d done, but I couldn’t convince myself to believe he would.

  I missed the rest of the band, too, and the roadies I’d grown closer to during my stay. By leaving the phone Rhys had bought me, I had effectively cut myself off, with no way for them to reach me or for me to reach them. It was probably best that way, overall, but I wished I’d had a chance to pay Angus back for the ticket.