“Gemma.” My brother’s voice came through the door like a sledgehammer. “Open the fucking door. We’re coming in either way.”
Still I sat there.
Then I was moving. Fuck.
I hadn’t locked the door and Gio pushed against it, sliding me across the floor on my ass. Once he could fit his body through the opening he’d created, he was inside with Sal following behind him. I half-expected the girls to be hot on their trail, but Sal shut the door and no one else entered.
“Come on.” Gio lifted me by one arm until I was on my feet, then he dragged me into the living room and dropped me onto the couch.
The curtains were open.
I couldn’t help the disappointment I felt when I glanced outside and Cash’s truck was gone. But there was relief at the same time.
“What happened?” Gio asked.
“Pretty sure you got the entire picture,” I said, still staring out the window. “In full detail.”
“From him. Not from you.” Sal took a seat in the chair closest to me.
I figured Gio had dropped me on the couch strategically. He sat next to me, turned slightly to face me with Sal on the other side. I was caged in. I hated feeling caged in. The last thing I wanted to talk to them about was my messed-up sex life. Or theirs for that matter.
Just, ugh, no thanks.
“Gemma,” Gio prodded sternly.
Rolling my eyes, I said, “Fine. What he said. Can I go to bed now?” I lifted my ass off the cushion two inches when Gio snagged my arm and yanked me back down.
“What he said to you about… everything… that makes him a good guy.” As Gio spoke, he wasn’t looking at me. His eyes darted around the room with the same intensity as my cheeks burned.
This was new family territory.
When we’d been working for my parents, we hadn’t talked about what we’d been doing. We’d all had a vague idea since it was the same kind of work, but we’d never once spoken about sex or the specifics. The thought of doing so now turned my stomach.
“Why did you freak out?” Sal asked softly.
“Haven’t you?” I gave him a hard look. “Or you for that matter?” I turned that glare on my brother. “I’m sorry, but I’m pretty sure I heard a story about how you turned Bianca down the first time you almost had sex. And Sal, let’s be real, you basically called Bailey a whore every chance you got. We’re all pretty fucked-up.”
“Can’t argue with that.” Sal sat back in his chair to stare at the ceiling and rubbed a hand over his forehead.
I cringed on the inside.
Sal loved Bailey more than anything in the world and still had horrible guilt over how he’d treated her when they’d first met. He sure as hell didn’t need me to remind him of that. I should’ve kept my mouth shut.
“Ok,” Gio started.
We were on the verge of losing it right there in my living room. I could feel it. The anger, embarrassment, everything churning all at once.
“But why would fucking some guy in a truck be better than what he wanted?” Gio asked. “That’s why I pulled away from Bianca that night. I couldn’t let her be one of the many and I had to make sure we both knew that. Since I couldn’t tell her how we met, I sure as fuck couldn’t explain anything. So I stopped. Now, your turn.”
“Fucking some guy in a truck is what I know, Gio.” I may have yelled out a little loudly. Both of them cringed. I’d definitely given them a visual, but they were the ones who’d wanted all this open honesty. “I don’t know how to do the other stuff. I spent the evening with his family and they’re great.”
I hopped up and this time neither stopped me. I needed to move, so I paced back and forth in front of my window. If I didn’t move, I’d cry. Hell, I might cry anyway.
“They’re the family that I dreamed of having when we were kids,” I said. “And maybe you did, too. But I don’t fit in with them and as soon as Cash figures that out, even if I don’t tell him about all the shit I’ve done, I’ll be yesterday’s trash. I wanted to have this experience with him first, all right. For me.”
The guys jumped to their feet before I finished, startling me and making me stumble back. They were kind of scaring me with how aggressive they’d reacted.
“You are not yesterday’s trash, Gemma,” Gio yelled back. “You never could be. I can’t promise that you and Cash are going to ride off into the sunset and be a forever kind of thing, but you are more. You deserve more.”
“I don’t.” I shook my head because those guys didn’t understand. They couldn’t. I hated what I was about to say before I even formed the words, but for them to understand and leave me alone, I still had to say it. “You two did things to women, right?”
“You know we did,” Gio said, but he looked unsure of what he was about to hear.
“I was used, Gio. That was my job. I had to lay there and let random dudes use me until they decided they were done.”
“Fuck,” Gio muttered as he closed his eyes. He leaned over and braced his hands on his knees, then took several deep breaths before righting himself.
Sal’s entire body tightened and he held a hand over his mouth.
Both looked ready to come out of their skin.
“So you two may have done things to women, but I had them done to me. And I promise that you were a hell of a lot nicer to those women than those men were to me.”
The two were totally different. I hated to put those images in their heads, but if they had any hope of understanding where I’d come from, they had to know.
Tension formed between us like brick walls isolating us from one another.
“You can’t let what our parents made us do define you. Doesn’t matter what you did, Gemma. I’ve done that,” Sal finally said. “It’s a shitty way to live.”
“Yeah?” I snapped. “And how did you figure that out?”
“Bailey.”
The silence after that last word hung in the air. Yesterday’s soggy laundry bringing the line down would’ve weighed less.
“That’s exactly it,” I said quietly as a tear streaked down my cheek. “You have Bailey. And you”—I looked over to Gio—“have Bianca. I have no one.”
I was figuring everything out on my own and they were trying to tell me how to live. All because they’d fallen in love with those girls before having to navigate this new world alone. And they’d fallen so easily.
Why couldn’t I have fallen in love with Cash like that? I knew the answer. Because I’d hardened myself to the idea of love, to a guy I could love, and I doubted they’d thought about it beforehand.
“You guys should go,” I said after too much silence. “I’m fine. Promise.”
“I don’t believe you,” Gio said immediately. “Come here.” He went back to the couch and patted the cushion in the middle. I reluctantly sat back down, then Sal dropped beside me.
They caged me in between them again.
“We need to talk about something that none of us want to talk about,” Gio began. He took a deep breath, then blew it out slowly. “We don’t need to know all the details of what each other has done. Not if we don’t want to.” He swallowed hard. “But maybe that’s something we should consider. Maybe it would help you to put it out there.”
My eyes grew wide. That idea didn’t appeal to me in the slightest.
“We don’t have to, but we should try to get comfortable with the idea.”
“We wouldn’t talk about our sex lives if we’d grown up in a normal family,” I said.
“But Sal and I can give you something our parents never could.”
My eyebrows shot up as I watched him.
“A little perspective.” He looked away. “You know how you hear that there’s a difference between having sex and making love?” he asked, still not looking directly at me and I was thankful for that.
I didn’t want his eyes on me if this was the subject he was on. But I nodded and he somehow knew I had.
“Those people are so fucking right
, Gemma. I’m a guy. Having sex with those random women felt good physically.”
I groaned and shook my head. I really didn’t want to hear about it.
“I’m not going to lie about that or anything else. But being with Bianca… That blows my fucking mind every single time.”
“He speaks the truth,” Sal added after letting Gio do the heavy lifting for most of this.
Although I had my doubts as to whether the random sex actually felt good to Sal the way it had for Gio. For Sal, sex always seemed a little dirtier. And not in the good dirty sort of way I’d heard about.
“I love that girl more than I ever even knew possible. And that scared the shit out of me,” Gio said softly with the most vulnerability I’d ever seen him wear.
“I made Bailey break up with me once.”
I swing my head in Sal’s direction. I didn’t know as much about their lives as I thought I did.
Sal shrugged. “She said she’d walk away if it got to be too much for me and it did. So I told her to go.”
“And she did?”
He nodded. “She promised me. That was worse than anything else I’ve ever done. Coming back here. Seeing her. Not being able to touch her or call her whenever I wanted. That’s not something I want to relive ever in my life.”
Gio closed his eyes briefly and fidgeted with his hands. This conversation was happening and we were all incredibly uncomfortable with it.
“Is that it, Gemma?” Gio finally glanced over at me. “Are you falling in love with Cash? Is that why you’re freaked out? Because if it is, I’m here to tell you, you can’t let the people who raised us ruin the rest of your life. You’ve got to grasp at something that makes you happy and you’ve never been as happy as you have been since you started seeing Cash.”
“He’s a good guy, Gemma.” Sal rubbed my shoulder. “If you want to be with him, you need to jump and not look back. But if you don’t want to be with him, cut the guy loose. Because there’s not a doubt in my fucking mind that he’s falling for you.”
I thought about that as tears pooled in my eyes.
What did I want? I wanted Cash, clearly, but I wasn’t so sure I had it in me to let him in fully. To thaw my heart out and take that chance.
“He knows something is wrong with me,” I whispered.
“Nothing is wrong with you,” Gio stressed.
“But he knows… he thinks I was sexually abused or something, even though I told him I wasn’t.”
“You were.”
I rolled my eyes with a sigh. “You know what I mean. He thinks I was raped. I’m sure of it.”
“So tell him.”
I gasped. “Gio. I can’t tell him. He’d walk away in a second.”
“Then he’s not the guy for you. The right guy is going to love you despite everything you think you’ve done wrong in your life.”
Sal nodded his agreement. “Or maybe even because of it. That shit was horrible, don’t get me wrong, but it’s made you who you are. And while, sure, there are things you need to work on, I’m willing to bet not a damn soul will ever be able to take advantage of you. Or pull one over on you.”
“When did you two assholes turn into such girls?” I teased.
Sal laughed. “The day we figured out exactly how fucked-up our lives were.”
“I’ll think about what you’ve said,” I finally said.
That seemed to satisfy them.
Before they left, each of the big guys gave me a hug, holding on to me a little longer than they normally would. It was almost midnight by then and I was exhausted, so I quickly combed out my hair, one of the hard-to-die habits, and went right to sleep.
Chapter Nine
I did think about what Sal and Gio had said to me. All day Sunday my conversation with them was the only thing I could think about. I stayed inside, ignored the chiming of text messages on my phone as well as the few times it rang. I stayed in my pajamas all day and watched TV, though I had no idea what I watched. I basically stared at the damn thing blankly while mulling everything over in my head. I understood what they were trying to tell me but wasn’t sure that it could apply to me.
By Sunday night I made up my mind. I knew what I was going to do.
Cash was too good of a guy to have to deal with my brand of crazy. He shouldn’t have to. He liked to joke that his family was nuts, but he truly had no idea what crazy really looked like.
He deserved normal.
Something I was absolutely positive I would never be.
Around nine that night, I finally picked up my phone and pressed his name. When this was over, I’d have to delete his contact because it would be crushing to see it on my favorites list every time I used the fucking phone.
“Hey.” He sounded relieved when he answered the phone. “You OK?”
“I’m wondering if I can see you tomorrow?”
He let out a short breath. “Of course. Does after dinner work? I’m supposed help my dad on the farm. I can get out of it if you need me sooner.”
“After dinner works.” It gives me all day to freak out. No big deal.
We fell silent. There was the faint sound of a door closing on his end, but I didn’t know what that was. Had he been out? What had he been doing? The desire to know everything about him had not diminished, but I felt like I didn’t have the right to ask, given what was happening between the two of us right then.
“Gemma… ” His voice brought me right back to reality. “I can come over right now. Let me come over right now.”
I didn’t want to say yes, yet I wanted to see him.
What I wanted was to have another day to pretend that things would be fine, but I didn’t think that was in the cards. Probably better to get it over with so I didn’t wimp out or have another panic attack.
“Gemma?” he asked again, quieter this time. “Come on, Gemma. Talk to me.”
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. Today or tomorrow this had to happen. I supposed there was no point in waiting.
So I gave in. “Ok. Can you come over?”
As soon as I said it, I wanted to take it back. Maybe I could do this over the phone and not have to see his beautiful face. Alas, it was too late.
“I’m already on my way. Give me ten minutes.”
I nodded, which, of course he couldn’t hear, squeaked out a quick affirmation, and hung up my phone.
We hadn’t been together long, this I knew, but the idea of him not being in my life sucked giant monkey balls.
Those were the fastest ten minutes of my life because when he knocked on the door, I so wasn’t ready to break my heart. I still hadn’t gotten dressed, my hair was down—brushed but not done—and I didn’t have a speck of makeup on.
He’d never seen me like this.
It didn’t matter at that point.
“Hey,” he said, stepping through the door almost as soon as I opened it.
I shut it behind him softly.
“I can’t see you anymore.” There, I said it.
He was four steps inside my house and I’d gotten it out. Couldn’t act quicker than that.
Cash’s face went from concern to something else in seconds. He looked pissed. But beyond that, he looked confused.
Why wouldn’t he be?
I never seemed to make any sense with regular people, but it was so much worse with him. He flustered me. My feelings for him were confusing and frustrating, though I could’ve worked up to telling him my decision, But no. I’d blurted it out there like I always seemed to do when he was around.
“What?” he asked.
He’d known this was coming. It was written all over his face, but clearly, he didn’t want to believe it, which made me feel guilty.
Maybe he thought if I saw him, I’d change my mind. He wasn’t far off, which was why I’d needed to say it the moment he was inside. I could only hope that he’d eventually understand I was doing this for him and couldn’t be selfish anymore.
Cash was normal and I shouldn’
t fuck him up.
“You know what I’m saying. Cash, I’m not the girl for you. She’s out there and she’s not me. You need someone normal. Someone you won’t have to apologize for to your mother.”
Because that day would come, I could feel it in my bones. Sure, I’d done fine the first time, but eventually, someone would find out about my past or I’d do something stupid and that would be that.
His eyes lit on fire as he looked at me. His jaw turned to granite.
“I don’t need to apologize to her for you,” he said through clenched teeth before relaxing his mouth. “Look, I don’t know why you’d think that. My parents loved having you at the house.”
“Just… trust me. This is for the best. You don’t really know me.”
He needed to get a handle on this and leave. I was about to crack wide open. It wouldn’t take that long because out of everything I’d done in my life… this was the hardest.
“I know you,” he said.
“Not really.”
And that was my fault. I’d only let him in so far and I knew that I couldn’t have a real relationship with someone I wasn’t willing to tell the truth to. Cash took a step toward me and I let him take my hands in his because I couldn’t not touch him one more time.
Even I deserved that.
“Then tell me. Tell me everything, Gemma.” He was pleading with me.
I hadn’t expected pleading. It didn’t take much effort to wilt my resolve.
“I won’t run off just because you say something ugly.”
“No.” I snapped my hands away. There were things I promised myself I’d never tell anyone about. “I don’t want to see how you’d look at me after hearing it. Look, I’ve done things, leave it at that. Things that make me an inappropriate choice for you.” I sighed, trying to fight back my tears. “You’re a good guy. The best. And you deserve the best girl.”
“I’m trying to keep the best girl right now.”
I was already shaking my head, which seemed to be pissing him off. I could see him struggling to keep his anger contained while it was brimming right there under the surface.
“I love you, Gemma. There, I’ve said it. I fucking love you.” His voice cracked, as did my heart. “And I didn’t tell you before because I knew it’d scare the shit out of you. Now I’ve got nothing to lose.”
Love by the Rules (Harbor Point Book 3) Page 9