“Uncle Seb? Where’d you go?”
“Huh? Yeah, I’m here. Sorry. I guess you’re right. I’ve got some things to figure out, too.”
* * *
“What in the hell are you doing?” Lexi storms toward me, all the while shooting daggers. “And why are you fondling my muffins?”
“Okay, first of all, your death glare has lost effectiveness due to gross overuse.” Eyeroll. “And eyerolls never worked to begin with. Second, you said I was fondling your muffins.”
I chuckle. She doesn’t. I’ve always wondered about that girl’s sense of humor. She probably tortures clowns to get her rocks off.
She says nothing and continues to glare.
“If you must know, I’m attempting to lure Autumn into the shop. And don’t look at me like that because I know it works. I used to live up there, remember? I know she can smell all this baked goodness, and sooner or later, she’ll take the bait.”
It’s been almost a week, and other than an occasional glimpse through the shop window, there’s been no sign of my new tenant. No coffee runs, no muffin grabs, and no further mention of the talk she very specifically told me we needed to have. I’m beginning to think she intended to kill me slowly with curiosity.
It’s working splendidly.
Undeterred, I keep holding the tray up to the fan, pointed directly at the air vent. My thumb slips a centimeter off the pot holder and onto the scorching muffin pan, and I yelp. Lexi rushes over to save her baked goods just as I drop them clumsily to the counter. One of the muffins jumps ship and rolls to the floor. Lexi rips the pot holders from me and pulls the pan out of my reach.
“Ugh, you can be such a doofus. At least there was only one casualty from your failed fiasco.”
Pulling my blistered thumb from my mouth, I gape. “One casualty? What about me and my thumb?”
I lift my hand in her direction for closer inspection, and she pinches it.
“Why are you acting like a little pussy?”
“Why are you a grown woman wearing a tutu?” Death glare. “What? It’s a legitimate question. And when did you become such a sadistic little thing?”
Her blood red lips quirk up into a smile. “Oh, come on now. I’ve always been a sadistic little thing. And I think my tutu is adorable.” She fingers the glittered, black netting and pouts like I’ve hurt her feelings. Like she has any.
“I’m sorry I insulted your dance recital costume,” I say and then motion for her to take her turn. “This is the part where you apologize to me for insulting my manhood. And also causing me bodily injury, because my scorched appendage is obviously your fault.”
“Scorched appendage? Really, Sebastian, must you make it so easy for me?”
I run a frustrated hand over my face and cringe when my scruff stabs my newly forming blister. “Why are you back here, anyway? And who’s watching the front counter while you harass me?”
She glares again and places a hand on her popped-out, tutu-ed hip.
“I came back here to tell you to stop your little wooing project.”
“I think we need to redraw the lines of our employee…” I point to her. “And employer…” I point to me. “Relationship.”
“Oh, shut up before you really piss me off. I’m telling you to stop because she’s standing at the front counter that I’m supposed to be watching.” She crosses her arms and smirks.
“W-w-wait, what?”
Lexi spins on her heels and saunters away from me, completely ignoring my stammering. As she reaches the doorway that opens into the front of the store, she looks back at me and winks.
“And she’s asking for you.”
Chapter 17
Autumn
Present Day
Haven, LA
“Mmm, it smells great in here,” Seb says as he clicks my apartment door shut behind him. He inhales deeply and shoots me a cheesy smile.
“I never thought living on top of a coffee shop would be such an exercise in willpower. I keep dreaming of cupcakes and banana bread.” We both chuckle as we avoid each other’s eyes. I wring my hands and turn to the kitchen, searching for anything to release some of this nervous energy. “Can I make you some coffee? Wait … sorry … that’s a dumb question.”
“Nah, not dumb at all. I’d love to have a cup of coffee with you.”
It’s just the two of us. Nowhere to hide. And truthfully, I’ve been hiding from Seb since the day I moved to Haven. If I avoided seeing him, I’d have more time. More time for what, I don’t know. If I’ve learned anything in the past five years, it’s that nothing can change what’s already been done. Of course, knowing this doesn’t make things any easier.
My smile is tight, and my movements feel robotic, like someone or something is pushing me forward. And I guess that’s true. After weeks of procrastinating, time has me cornered.
Seb returns my smile and gives the apartment an appraising look. “Looks great. You’ve really settled in.”
I’m too keyed up to volley back the canned response he expects. Present day Autumn and Sebastian wear cloaks of polite conversation and propriety, and it’s nauseating. Lovely weather we’re having … how was your day … would you mind terribly if I stuck this fork in my eye? My thoughts are held prisoner inside my head, and I can’t break through the barrier. When those cloaks fall away, every word holds too much emotion, frustration, uncertainty—just too much of everything.
When the niceties fall away, we’ll only have the truth, no matter how it stings. The words we haven’t spoken, the memories we’ve kept lying in wait—they’ll all come rushing to the surface. To the here and now. And I don’t know if I’m ready.
If I’ll ever be ready.
I sip my coffee and watch him over the rim, lounging on the barstool, elbows leaning on the counter. He fiddles with the handle of his coffee cup, waiting for me to make the first move. I long to lean into him, bridge the gap between us, all the while knowing it would break me. I shove the thought aside and walk stiffly to the living room, grabbing the photo I know will crush his heart. It’ll also crush this tentative truce he and I share.
I clutch the frame to my chest and squeeze my eyes shut while my insides churn.
“OK, you’re starting to scare me. What’s wrong? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” He chuckles nervously and reaches out to me.
I shuffle forward, right into the space between his legs. He tugs my arm until it comes loose from my belly and the frame in my hand unfolds. He takes it from me and stares in confusion, his eyes darting from the picture, back to me, and to the picture again.
Bouncy, brown curls … button nose … a dimple in her right cheek deep enough to stick her pinky in (which she often does) … brown eyes dancing with all-too-familiar mischief.
My eyes well with tears as all the explanations I’d practiced detonate into ash. There’s no explanation for this—no words to make it okay. I step backward, creating space between us and push the words past the fist clenching my throat.
“She’s four years old. H-h-her name is Aria.”
It takes only a split second, but I see the exact moment he recognizes the name. Realization dawns in his eyes, and the air in the room shifts. The light, nervous energy evaporates, leaving behind something equivalent to a black hole. Confusion … hurt … anger … betrayal … I see it all playing across his face in rapid succession.
Yes, the cloaks of courtesy lay in tattered piles at our feet, and if Sebastian’s glare is any indication, they’ve been replaced with swords.
“Sh-she’s mine?”
A tear splashes onto my cheek, and I nod.
Chapter 18
Autumn
Present Day
Haven, LA
Lifetimes pass as Sebastian says nothing. One moment, he stares at the photograph in his hand with complete adoration, and the next, he shoots death glares in my direction. Regardless of the circumstances, I deserve his anger. I swallow back the urge to go to him, to fill the empty space wi
th explanation and apology. He needs time to feel whatever he’s feeling right now, without interruption from me.
His head whips around, and he drops the picture on the counter. Stalking across the living room, he swings open the bedroom door. HER bedroom door.
A strangled cry erupts from his chest as he braces himself against the doorframe. I stand behind him as he takes it all in, not saying a word.
The crystal chandelier, sparkling with pink hearts. The princess vanity set with a velvet covered stool. The pink, pleated quilt smoothed over the tiny twin bed, complete with the hot pink fuzzy pillow Seb saw the day he helped me move in.
Like he needed an extra kick in the balls today. Shit …
He shuffles across the room and lowers himself onto Aria’s bed. Closing his eyes, he brings the pillow to his nose and inhales.
And my heart breaks in two.
It’s hell to watch, to see him lose four years with his daughter in a matter of minutes, but I won’t look away. I played a part in paving our path, and I don’t have the luxury of taking a time out.
“You started our life without me,” he whispers, his head falling between his knees. He clutches the pillow into his stomach and wraps his arms protectively around it. “Like I didn’t even exist.”
“I didn’t have a choice.” My voice catches on the ball of emotion lodged in my throat. “You took off without a word.”
“You know it wasn’t like that.” Angry, red-rimmed eyes glare at me. “You don’t get to say that to me. Not anymore.”
“It sure felt that way at the time. It’s easy to look back on things now and judge what I did or didn’t do, but I didn’t have that luxury. I was pregnant and alone, and you had vanished into thin air. What was I supposed to do?”
“Not keeping my daughter away from me for four fucking years would have been a great start. I don’t even know her, Autumn! Do you get that?”
“Yes, of course, I get it. I do, but—”
Seb stands to full height and paces the length of the room. He’s too big for the tiny space—like a Great Dane in a Chihuahua’s cage. Fists clench and unclench as he fights for calm. Unfortunately, it’s a losing battle.
“Do you have any idea what the last five years have been like for me? Do you have the first fucking clue?”
“And what about me, Sebastian? Huh? Do you have any idea how hard it’s been? Being a single mother, going to school—”
“That was your choice! Don’t you put that shit on me—” Seb stalks forward, his finger hitting the center of my chest. He looms over me, and I step back into the hallway, shaking my head.
He jerks back when he sees the fear etched across my face and curses under his breath. Turning his back to me, he runs his hands through his mussed hair and tips his head to the ceiling. Hands gripping the back of his neck, he lets out a frustrated groan.
“I didn’t know,” I start, but a sob breaks free, stealing the breath from my lungs. “I didn’t know until I was twenty weeks p-pregnant. Long after the accident. A-after … God, I was so lost, Seb. I was lost and alone and scared out of my mind.”
Tears roll down my face unchecked as Sebastian studies the floor, hands on hips, shoulders slowing rising and falling as he searches for calm.
My emotions are a jumbled mess. Part of me will always be that frightened girl with nowhere to turn and no one to talk to. I will always hurt for her because I felt that pain down to my soul. That pit resting like a sizzling boulder in my gut, holding me hostage. Dread like that leaves a permanent scar.
The woman I am today knows I stole something from Seb that he’ll never get back. Did I have a choice? At the time, I’d say no, absolutely not. I was trapped by my parents, and he was nowhere to be found. What was I supposed to do?
But when I look at him now, standing shattered in front of me, doubt creeps in and whispers “but maybe…”
I don’t know … I don’t know … I don’t know.
Life seems so much simpler through the rearview mirror, but when you’re there, in the thick of it, nothing could be further from the truth.
“Look, I need some time to think, or I’m going to say things I can’t take back.” His voice is lower than before, but I can feel the tension in each syllable, the over-stretched reins of his emotions, threatening to snap at the slightest provocation.
“Th-that’s totally understandable. Take all the time you need—”
“Where is she?”
“What?”
“My daughter, Autumn.” My name sounds like cyanide on his tongue, and I flinch. “Where is my daughter?”
I cower at the accusation in his tone. I’ve gone from single mother to kidnapper in a matter of minutes, and I feel the sting. I’m the girl who’s been keeping him away from his daughter for all these years.
I pray that he can see nothing in our lives is so black and white.
“She’s with my Aunt Dorothy in Providence.” I cross my arms protectively over my chest and frown. “I’m leaving in a few minutes to pick her up. We both start school Monday morning.”
“Unbelievable. I’ve got to get out of here,” he mutters as he stalks to the door. He grabs the doorknob but then turns to me. “Waited until the last possible minute, didn’t you? Seriously, Autumn, the human decency train is blowing its horn, seconds away from leaving the station. I guess I should thank you for hopping on—you know, not letting me run into my daughter on the street without a word of explanation.”
“Well, since it’s gone so splendidly, I truly wish I’d done it sooner,” I mutter, the words flying out of my mouth before I can catch them.
“Nice,” he scoffs and pulls the door open.
“There’s no rule book for telling your ex-boyfriend who you haven’t seen in five years he’s got a daughter. Dr. Spock left that part out of the child-rearing book, okay? I don’t have all the answers; hell, I don’t even know the questions, but I’m trying to do the right thing here.”
“Then I’ll see you tomorrow night, so I can finally meet my daughter. I’ll be here at six.”
“W-w-wait, hold on,” I stammer as I push back my overwhelming anxiety. “I think we should take this slow, Seb. I don’t want to rush things.”
“Things have been at a standstill for four years. That’s slow enough, don’t you think?” He quirks a sarcastic eyebrow and steps over the threshold. “I’ll be here tomorrow night. Thanks for the coffee.”
It’s only after he leaves that I realize the picture from the counter is gone.
Chapter 19
Sebastian
Present Day
Haven, LA
“What’s up douchebag?” Brady quips, his booming voice in direct contrast with my stormy mood.
“I talked to your sister.”
“Yeah?” He sounds expectant, as if he’s waiting for me to spell it out for him. Like he has every intention of keeping her “secret” if she hasn’t come clean.
“Yeah.”
“Shit … give me a minute, man. Hold on.”
Cheers and whistle blows fade away as he presumably finds a quieter place to receive his verbal beatdown. Silence replaces the background noise, and Brady lets out a labored sigh.
“Before you say anything, I want you to know I’ve been pushing her to find you for years. She was so lost and angry, Seb. In her eyes, you abandoned her.” He lets out a labored sigh. “Now, since the funeral, since I found out my dad’s hand in all of this, my push turned into an out-and-out ultimatum. I’ve been relentless, I swear. I told her enough was enough. Either she told you or I would.” His tone is laced with contrition, but it does little to control my temper.
“This isn’t high school, Brady. Autumn didn’t flirt with another guy after the fucking football game. This is my life we’re talking about here,” I growl, wearing a hole in the carpet.
“Her life.”
“What?”
“It’s her life. Aria’s, I mean. My niece is the entire reason I didn’t tell you myself. I wanted
you and Autumn to sit down like calm adults and figure this shit out together. That’s what should have happened from the beginning—it’s what needs to happen now. Because nothing is more important than that sweet, little girl, including you and your temper. So, dial it back, brother.”
Leave it to Brady to level me in sixty seconds flat. Don’t be fooled by the light heart and sarcastic comebacks. He’s the most levelheaded guy I know, and he won’t hesitate to call me out for being a self-centered asshole.
“I didn’t mean it that way. Of course, Aria is the most important thing.” I close my eyes and let the consequences and ramifications of my situation, past and present, race at high speed. “How do I even begin to process this? I’m just overwhelmed and shocked and pissed. God, I don’t know. And then I think of the last four years of her life, four years I completely missed, and I’m so fucking sad. Brady, I have a daughter.”
I’ve spent the last five years basically alone, estranged from my family, separated from my friends. When I left Prosper, I gathered up all I had left, which wasn’t much, and created something new. I’d had no other choice. I’d blocked out all I’d left behind and moved forward—otherwise, the depression would have crushed me.
To know while I was building a new life, my daughter’s life was just beginning. To know I’d missed Autumn’s growing belly, Aria’s birth, her first steps … first words…
How do I get over that and look forward? And will I be too late? The past and the future are two treacherous mountain ranges, and I’m standing smack dab between the two. Looking back and looking forward both scare the shit out of me at this point. Every time I think of Aria and having the chance to be her father, the years I’ve been absent hit me square in the gut.
I trace Aria’s cheek in her photo, and my heart grows three sizes in an instant. Through the swirl of emotions engulfing me, there’s only one thing I know for sure. “Too late” isn’t an option for me.
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