I want to hit him so bad; I want him to feel the pain he's inflicting on me right now.
"You ARE the fucking bad guy!" I shout. "You're a horrible, horrible person!" I want to say more but I can't. I can only stare at him and wonder how on earth such a piece of shit could have been created?
I shove him away from the door and fumble with the lock. Behind me Michael puts his arm up, his palm holding the door shut as he puts his mouth to my ear.
"Don't forget, Taryn. You tell anyone, it'll be your reputation too. And right now, I don't think you want to give Jay Pat another story for their channel."
I jerk my elbow back, hard, into his ribs and he grunts. Yanking the door open I run, escaping down the hall and as far away from Michael as I can get.
◆◆◆
I leave school early and go home. I take off my cute, trendy outfit and wearing just my panties and bra I climb beneath my covers and cry. I must have fallen asleep because when I wake up it's late afternoon. When my cell buzzes, I cringe, afraid it might be Michael. Afraid it won't be Michael.
It's Ryan, asking if I'm okay. He says he's home from school now and do I want him to come over?
I text him one word.
"Yes."
◆◆◆
Ryan comes right over and I text him to come up to my room. Concern is written all over his face when he walks in.
"Gosh, are you alright? Do you want me to call your mom?" He comes over to my bed and sits beside me.
I smile at him and pull back my covers. "Lay with me."
"Huh?" Ryan is staring down at me in my bra and panties.
"Just...in your clothes, but take off your shoes." I tell him. "Please, I need to cuddle."
He thinks about it for a moment then nods. "Okay." He slips off his Adidas and crawls into bed beside me, taking me into his arms.
I'm not thinking about sex, I'm just looking for comfort. Luckily Ryan doesn't seem to be thinking about sex either. He just holds me and lets me cry and soothes me gently.
"What happened, Taryn? Is it about that website the guys did?"
"No, it's just... it's nothing. I just need a break."
Ryan rubs my bare back and I again marvel at his kindness. He's been my heart's desire for years, so why do I go after guys like Michael? Why can't I just be happy with a guy like Ryan? Nice and sweet and safe?
"Well, we all need a break now and again. You just relax, Taryn. I'm here for you."
I lift my head from his chest and kiss the long line of his angular jaw. "Thank you."
I can feel him smile against my hair. "Don't mention it."
Yes, dear, safe Ryan. This is who I need to be with. No more dangerous guys and situations.
"Ryan?" I whisper.
"Hmm?" He's stroking my arm now and I'm getting goose bumps.
"Do you want to, like, go together? You know, see each other?"
I feel him tense slightly but then he grips me tighter. "Yeah, sure. That'd be cool."
I smile against his sweatshirt, inhaling his scent, a mingled mix of AXE body spray and that cool guy smell, whatever it is.
I'll be okay now. I'm going to be seeing Ryan. No one can hurt me now.
My eyes close and I drift off to sleep nestled in my new boyfriends' arms.
Chapter Fifteen
I slam my racket against the yellow tennis ball with an unladylike grunt. Tennis has been my salvation now that I'm not a cheerleader anymore. At practice today we're working on our return serves and I'm picturing Michael's smug face on each ball that comes my way.
"Whoa, Bishop, take it easy!" My coach, Miss Lansing scowls at me from edge of the court. "You'll throw your shoulder out and be no good for finals."
I grudgingly slow down but I'm still pissed. It makes me nuts that Michael is still walking around school and flirting with every girl he sees. He pays me no attention and I pay him no attention. Well maybe that's not exactly true. Maybe I shoot him my nastiness look when we pass in the hallway. And maybe I make it a point to kiss Ryan if I know he's around. And I might have sent him a text or two where I told him he could go fuck himself. But beyond that, I'm done with the bastard.
Prom is coming up anyway and after tennis practice Ryan and I go shopping for his tux. He's as goofy as ever as I watch him try on about a hundred suits. He keeps posing like a dork and doing funny dances. It's funny at first but after a while I'm getting a little irritated.
"Oh my God, will you just pick one already!"
"Hey, I gotta look good right?" He poses again and then pulls a funny face, like a monkey.
A bell rings by the door and Manny walks in. He nods at us and I leave Ryan in his monkey suit and go over to Manny.
"Here for your tux?"
A look of amusement passes over his handsome face. "Why else would I be here? I don't normally wear this crap."
I smile and gesture towards Ryan, who's now jumping around and pretending he's James Bond. "Yeah. Ryan is getting his too. It's taking a while."
Manny laughs and shakes his head. "Um, hey." He pulls me over to the side of the store. "I wanted to let you know, the office knows."
I stare at him blankly. "Knows what?"
"About that stupid crap on the internet, that web site. I turned those assholes in. So, they're getting busted by the principal and maybe even the police. I just wanted to let you know it'll be taken down so you won't have to worry about it anymore. Hopefully."
"Wow." I look at him, grateful. "You didn't have to do that. But, thanks."
He shrugs. "Well I was kind of waiting to see if you would handle it yourself. You know, tell your parents maybe. But you didn't, so I stepped up."
I look away from him briefly. "I don't want my parents to know. It's embarrassing."
"Okay, whatever. They won't hear it from me. You don't tell your mom much, do you?"
"It's not like she would care," I tell him. And she wouldn't. She's never around, she never really listens to me and I long ago stopped confiding in her. All she cares about is selling houses and Ethan.
Manny's brow is furrowed and suddenly I have this urge to reach up and smooth his forehead out.
"So...you're probably taking Gina to prom?"
"Uh, no." Manny shakes his head, as if trying to clear something from his mind. "No, I'm taking that Brandy Crane chick. She's a junior."
"Oh." I nod and act like I have the slightest idea who Brandy Crane is. I feel a sudden stab of jealousy which is totally insane. I mean, Manny and I aren't together or anything, so why would it matter to me?
Someone grabs me from behind and I feel Ryan give me a sloppy wet kiss on the cheek.
"Found the perfect one!" He holds up the first suit he tried on like an hour ago. "Hey, Manny!"
Manny nods at Ryan. "Ryan. Nice suit."
"Okay let's pay for it before you change your mind!" I push Ryan towards the check out and give Manny a little wave.
I can feel his eyes on my back as I move away.
◆◆◆
Prom night is the same as it was the year before. And the year before that. When I was a freshman a senior asked me to prom but Mom wouldn't let me go. So, this is my third prom and once again Mom is following me around the house with her camera, snapping pics while Ethan takes video.
I check my hair in the mirror again, it looks pretty decent. I'm wearing it up in a french twist with tendrils hanging down. My dress is gorgeous and Mom is letting me wear some of her more expensive jewelry, including her real pearl drop earrings.
I leave my room and start down the stairs, but Mom makes me go back up so Ethan can get video of me walking down.
"Oh my God, Mom, it's not like I'm getting married!" I roll my eyes, but dutifully do my walk down the stairs.
"That's gorgeous, just gorgeous!" Ethan is acting like he's shooting a major film. I wish my Dad could be here, and Steve. I miss them so much and I really could do with good "Dad" talk and even some of his stupid jokes.
The doorbell rings and Ryan arrives, hold
ing my corsage.
"Ohhh!" Mom is getting all teary eyed, snapping pic after pic as Ryan pins the corsage on my chest. "Okay, now Ryan, you put your arm around Taryn, and Taryn, you kiss Ryan on the cheek!"
"Mommmm!" I groan and Ryan grins. Finally, Mom and Ethan get all the footage and pics they need and Ryan and I take off in his car for the country club, where the prom is being held.
Ryan is bubbling with enthusiasm and I think I'm doing a really good of faking it. Truth is I want to be at home. I used to love Prom, but really, right now, who cares? Not me.
But I paste a smile on my face and let Ryan walk me into the club where the place has been decorated to look like a space ship, of all things. I take one look around and burst out laughing but Ryan thinks it's cool.
"Wow, man it's like being on the moon!" He's turning in circles and staring up at the ceiling where they've hung stars and planets against a black back-drop of crepe. Mannequins dressed in space suits line the walls and I see Patrick and Jason posing two of them into a compromising position.
My smile fades when I see them. "I didn't think those two would be here."
Ryan follows my gaze. "Just ignore the idiots. Come on, let's find our table and then we can dance."
There's a DJ playing the latest music with some older slow songs thrown in now and again. I spy Manny and his date. Brandy is plump but pretty, I guess. Manny looks like really hot in his tux. The boy cleans up good.
I try to have a good time. I really do. But all around me it feels like people are watching me and whispering. I don't even know if they really are anymore, to be honest. It just feels that way. Ryan and I slow dance and I bury my face in his neck so I don't have to see the others. Kim is here with Jason and that idiot Kendra, is with one of the wrestlers. Pam and Kyle are together and Patrick is now with Linda. I turn my face away from each couple I see and swallow the bitterness.
Then Michael comes in with Ava. He's a chaperone apparently, dressed in a super sexy navy tux that makes his blue eyes even more dazzling. Ava is wearing a dress that is obviously meant to coordinate with his tux. It's a tight-fitting backless halter type dress covered in sequins with a slit up one side. They make a beautiful couple and she hangs on his arm like he might escape.
My eyes cloud with tears and I quickly blink them away. Then Michael looks at me from across the room and I can't read his expression. He holds my gaze for a long moment then his lips slide into a smirk and he raises Ava's hand to nuzzle a kiss across her knuckles.
Tearing my eyes away I put my lips to Ryan's ear. "Let's leave. Please?"
He pulls back and frowns at me. "What, now? The Prom's just started!"
"I know, but..." I push myself against him. "I want to be with you. Now. Like right this minute, Ryan."
He gulps slightly and then nods and I have to practically run to keep up with him as we dash towards the exit.
Chapter Sixteen
It's really hard to make out in this dress. Ryan and I are squeezed into his back-seat kissing and he keeps trying to feel me up but his hand is getting lost in all the crinoline. It's so ridiculous, him fumbling around and searching that I suddenly start laughing and then he starts too and we're just shaking in the back seat and hugging each other.
"Oh my God!" I try to control my giggles but it sure feels good to laugh. It's much better than crying.
"I have no idea how to find your panties under all this stuff!" Ryan complains between laughs.
"Maybe I shouldn't have worn any." I'm trying to flirt even though I'm not really into this right now. Which is crazy, it's insane! I finally have the boy of my dreams, Ryan North, he of the adorable grins and little dimples and sparkling eyes, right where I want him. And I feel...nothing.
Now I do want to cry and turn quickly from Ryan and put my hand to my mouth. Why did Michael have to be there tonight? Why did it still hurt so much when I saw him? Why couldn't I just forget about him already?
"Hey, you okay?" Ryan puts his arm around me and pulls me close. When I don't respond he leans over and kisses me again, nibbling on my lower lip and I feel guilty. I have to at least try with him. It's not his fault I'm still hung up on my pervert teacher.
I kiss him back and drop my hand to his crotch, rubbing him through his pants. Our kisses intensify and Ryan manages to get a hand inside my dress and is squeezing my boob. I want to start laughing again but I can't do that to him, so I slip my hand down the front of his pants and into his jockey's.
"Oh!" Ryan jumps a little as I take him in my hand and then begins kissing me even harder, smashing my teeth against the inside of my mouth.
I wrench my mouth to the side. "Ryan, God, don't do that! It hurts."
He mumbles an apology and buries his face in my neck, trying, I guess, to give me a hickey. I cringe, he's really kind of sloppy with his mouth, too wet and it feels gross. Crap, this is not turning out anything like I thought it would.
Then I realize the boy is limp as noodle in my hand. He is not anywhere being hard, not even a tiny bit. I slow my strokes, running my thumb over the top of his cock the way I did with Michael, who seemed to love it.
But Ryan just keeps slurping on my neck and stays floppy.
I pull back and slip my hand from his pants. "What's wrong? Don't you like me?"
Ryan sits back and closes his eyes while I wipe his slobber from my neck.
"I do like you, Taryn." He finally looks back at me, his eyes cloudy. "It's not you...it's me."
Oh.
I move away slightly and fix my dress. "Okay. Not me but you. Alright, I get it." Rejected yet again.
Ryan grasps my hand in his tightly. "No, no, no, Taryn, you don't understand. It's not like that. I like you; I really do. And I wish to God I could like you the way you like me. Sexual, like. But...I can't."
He won't look at me now and is staring straight ahead out the front window, at the deserted road where we've parked.
"Ryan..." I don't know how to ask without making him feel bad. "Are you...?"
He shakes his head violently. "No! I'm not gay. I know that's what you're thinking. It's what Kim thinks too, but I am not gay."
I throw my hands up helplessly. "Well what then? Why aren't you attracted to me?"
"Because..." Ryan's eyes have gone all empty, his face paling under the dome light. "Because I'm not attracted to anyone, Taryn. Girls or boys. No one. I'm not gay...I'm asexual." He sits back against the seat, swallowing hard.
Asexual. Well things certainly make a lot more sense now.
"Hey, it's okay," I tell him, even though I have no idea what it must be like for him. "It doesn't change the fact that you're a super sweet guy."
He raises his eyes to me. "A super sweet guy who can never have a proper relationship."
"Stop. So you don't want sex, big deal." I shrug. "I mean really, in a way you're lucky. Sex can really fuck things up. No pun intended."
Ryan huffs out a laugh then we both crack up again.
I lay my head on his shoulder and we hold hands. "I'm sorry I couldn't get you off."
"Well, I just want you to know, Taryn. That if I could feel anything like that for someone, I would want it to be you. I really mean that."
I smile up at him. "Aww, that's sweet." I pause, running my fingers over his palm, tracing the lines. "So, I guess us being boyfriend and girlfriend probably isn't really going to happen."
He sighs. "Probably not."
I nod, and nestle tighter against him. "Okay," I whisper.
◆◆◆
I watch Ryan pull out of our driveway and head down the street to his own house. So that's my senior prom. Wow. I smile a little to myself when I think over the events of the night. I'm a little sad that nothing will ever happen between Ryan and me, but at the same time I know it helped him a lot to be able to finally share this secret that he's kept buried for so many years.
I hug myself and look across the road and down the hill where I can see the city lights shimmering below. Must be nice, I think. Being a
ble to share your secret. The secret I'm carrying, about Michael and I is burning a black hole into my heart. It hurts so bad but there is no way in hell I can ever tell anyone. Who would understand?? I'm not sure I even understand. I slept with a teacher and not just once. I let him do all kinds of things to me and I knew it was wrong. How can I ever tell someone about that and not come out looking like a freak?
Turning to go back inside I hear a rumbling motor and then Manny pulls his piece of junk car into the drive.
What the hell is he doing here? Shouldn't he still be at prom??
He hops out of his car and comes over, smiling. "Hey. You alright?"
I nod. "Yeah, I'm fine. What are you doing here? Where's Brandy?"
Manny winces. "Ah, she said her stomach hurt, so we left early and I took her home. I saw you and Ryan leave early too and I just wanted to make sure everything was okay."
"Everything is fine. I just wasn't feeling real prom-like tonight I guess." I shuffle my heels against the concrete drive and then slip them off, holding them by the straps. “Ryan and me, that’s...well that’s happening.”
Mannie nods but thankfully he doesn’t laugh or ask why.
"Sorry about that. Jay Pat didn't give you a hard time, did they?"
I laugh and roll my eyes. "No, thank God. Though I didn't expect to see them there. I thought they were going to get kicked out or something for doing the website."
Manny rubs his chin and comes closer. He's taken his tie off and his white tux shirt is unbuttoned so I can see his tanned chest. "Yeah, well apparently Jason's dad had a shit fit and demanded he be allowed to stay in school and go to prom. They both got off with a slap on the wrist."
"Great." I suck my breath in and try to think of a way to save this shitty evening. Then I think about the pool. "Hey, do you wanna go swimming?"
Manny's eyebrows raise. "What? You wanna go swimming? Now?"
I grin at him and pull on his hand. "Yeah! Why not? Come on!"
He follows me around to the deck at the back of the house protesting all the way.
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