by Ashley Love
“Fuck up friends, huh? So that makes me a fuck up too?”
“Yeah, ‘cause that’s really what I said.” I roll my eyes and he shakes his head, sitting down on the bench seat of the picnic table, rocks crunching lightly under his sneakers. His eyebrows raise slightly, his head cocking smartly to the side.
“Might as well.”
I give him a disbelieving look. “I didn’t come here to fight with you.”
“Then stop.”
“You’re the one starting shit.”
He sighs, shaking his head, and lights his other cigarette. I cross my arms moodily and it’s silent again as he smokes and I look away, at nothing really, but just mostly not at him. I hear him chuckle after a minute, low and short and a little disbelieving.
I look at him, a mix of sullen and grumpy, not really seeing the humor here. “What?”
“You.”
“Me?”
“You.” He nods, the corners of his lips twitching up with amusement but he’s trying not to smile. He brings his cigarette to his lips to mask it, sucking and blowing the smoke away easily. “Doing that same shit you always do. Getting me all riled and then pouting.”
“Shut up.” I narrow my eyes at him but it melts quickly as his smile grows into a genuine one, a flicker of light taunting me in his eyes, giving me hope.
I sigh and my feet drag as I walk to him reluctantly, something about the way he’s looking at me making me unable to just be fucking irritated at him like I know I should. I just can’t help but want to be here for him.
“I’m just a huge dick, I know.” He nods, his face mocking my pout as I finally make it the short distance to him, standing between his feet. I give him a wry smile, sensing the sarcasm in his statement, and it makes me know that on some level, somewhere inside of him, he sees how much I completely adore him, in spite of myself even, in spite of everything he’s done to me. Even if he doesn’t want to admit it or accept it, he knows that I care.
“Pretty much,” I say anyway. At least I can pretend.
“Fuck you.” We both laugh.
I lean down toward him a little, bracing my hands on his bony knees and I wonder if he’s going to sit back some to put space between us but he doesn’t. Part of me doesn’t think he cares either way. My initial intention is to kiss him but I know he wouldn’t kiss me back. He would just let me do it because he’s here and I’m here and that’s what we do. I’m tired of that.
“You want me to come back next week?”
“Up to you,” he replies simply. He doesn’t shrug but the lilt of it is in his voice.
“That’s not what I asked you,” I prod gently, trying to maintain patience with him.
“Well I’m not gonna make you.”
“You can want me to,” I say, a little irritated now. It wouldn’t kill him to just fucking say that he wants me to be here, to make me feel a little less like I’m chasing him and a little more like he actually gives a shit. On second thought, today of all days he probably doesn’t.
He sighs, tossing the butt of his cigarette into the gravel and then looking up at me again, something in his eyes still holding that look of eternal defeat, of emptiness, and there’s no way he doesn’t want me to help him through this. His hands reach for my wrists and his long fingers curl around them gently, sliding under the sleeves of my jacket, the cool pads of his fingertips pressing against the thin skin of my inner wrists.
“You do what you gotta do,” he finally consents. “I’m stuck here either way.”
“I’m not coming if you don’t want me here.”
He leans his back against the edge of the table but doesn’t let go of my wrists, his head dropping back with an exasperated sigh, and I know I’m being a little pushy but I just want to hear him say it. He looks up at me again quickly, his jaw sliding sideways as if he’s trying to contain what he really wants to say as he shakes his head.
“Dammit Leala, I don’t know what I want right now, okay? Let’s just get the shit straight. I don’t fucking know,” he finally snaps, his lips pulling into a tight line across his face and I back down before his temper really flares.
“Okay, okay,” I hush him adamantly, leaning toward him more, squeezing his knees for emphasis. “Calm down.”
His brow knits tight across his eyes, his voice still clipped and harsh. “I mean, fuck, you know…you come here or you don’t. What the fuck do you want me to say?”
“Lex, stop.” It’s a plea hidden inside an admonishment, my eyes widening at him.
He’s only quiet for a moment before he asks, “What time is it?” There’s no indication in his tone, but I know he wants me to leave.
“Yeah, I guess I better go, huh?” I say scathingly, straightening up abruptly.
He narrows his eyes at me. “Oh, fuck off, that’s not what I meant.”
“Yes, it is,” I bite back contemptuously but he just sighs, looking away as he shakes his head. I look at him for a minute and wait for him to say something else but he doesn’t. “Fine, I guess I’m going then.” I don’t move.
“Whatever,” he mumbles, barely coherent with his head turned away and he leans over his knees again, running a hand over his face tiredly, pushing his hoodie back off of his head to get some air.
“You’re not even gonna tell me bye?”
“You’re not fucking going anywhere!” he snaps, looking up at me wide-eyed, gesturing at me with his hand and then blinking at me dumbly before gesturing again, shaking his head. “Fuck,” he sighs, looking straight ahead again, clasping his hands between his knees.
I start to walk away, tucking my hands into my pockets and listening to the gravel crunch under my shoes. What a dick. I get halfway to the door and I hear a second trail of footsteps behind me, the pace slightly quicker than mine, gaining on me.
When I make it to the door, a different door than we exited, he’s behind me, and he catches it over my head when I open it, letting me step inside.
“Do I need to go to the front desk?” I ask, still walking, not looking back at him.
“Yeah.” He hurries in the door behind me. I don’t slow down, even though I’m not sure where I’m going exactly. I try to figure it out quickly. If he wants to be this way, I’ll let him. I won’t hug him or say goodbye. I’ll walk right out the fucking door.
We march down the narrow hall, overly bright and still too much like a hospital for my liking and it makes me uncomfortable, makes me walk a little faster, not looking around too much. Lex is still right behind me. It opens up at the other end to the familiar visitor’s room, and I see the receptionist’s window nestled into the corner.
“I need to sign out,” I say before I even make it to the counter, and she pushes the same clipboard at me that I had signed in on before. I look at my watch even though there’s a nice-sized clock positioned on the wall right next to me, and I scribble down the time, sliding the board back to her. She draws a highlighter mark through my name and types something short and quick into the computer to her left before smiling back at me through the window.
“Have a nice afternoon.”
I nod politely and cross through the small room, the sun now beginning to set and sliding in at just the right angle through the large glass windows to brighten the room with an almost uncomfortable amount of sunlight. I push on the single door which leads to a short wide hallway that serves no purpose but to conjoin the room to a set of double doors leading to the lobby of the center. I push them open and they almost swing closed before I hear Lex’s voice through their opening.
“Alright, see ya fucking later.”
I stop, turning back to him and he's standing behind the doors, his face slightly blurred through the hazy plexiglass windows in them. I reach for one handle and pull the door back open, not stepping through, but just so I can see him better.
“Oh, now you want me to say something?” I ask smartly, lifting an eyebrow at him.
“Would
you stop?” he sighs, and I step through the doorway, letting it close behind me, trapping us in the small space. “Just stop.” He shakes his head at me and takes one step forward, pulling me in against his chest and I lay my head there against him, my arms curled between us, the zipper of his jacket still cold against my cheek. He rests his chin on the top of my head, his voice vibrating in his throat against my temple. “Quit acting like I don’t wanna fucking see you. I just…I gotta get used to this shit, you know?”
I nod against his chest before I pull away, giving him an exhausted look that comes off as more of a pout. He shoves his hands deep in his pockets and I reach up to push his hood back off his head.
“I’ll see you next week, Lex.”
6
“Hey, man,” Mike, Lex’s roommate, greets him when he walks in the door. His voice makes Lex jump slightly. He’d seen Mike sitting there but it didn’t really register until he spoke up.
“Sup?” Lex sets the shoebox on the bedside table and unzips the front of his jacket, sighing exhaustedly as he shrugs it off his shoulders and reaches into one of the plastic storage bins under his bed for a clean t-shirt and boxers, to dress himself after he showers.
This is Lex’s fifth night sleeping in the same room as Mike, which is still a little weird to him because all he really knows about the guy is that he’s 37 and from somewhere in northern California. He seems quiet. Every night Lex comes to the room and he’s playing solitaire, the real version with cards, sitting cross-legged on top of his bed comforter.
“I saw you had a visitor,” he says without looking up.
“Yeah,” Lex finally replies awkwardly, a mix of a question and an answer. He’s not yet accustomed to having conversation with strangers, and it’s weirder when they aren’t even looking each other in the eyes so Lex can read him. He’s good at reading people.
“She family?” Mike starts to lay a black card on a red one and has to stop himself.
Lex sighs. He’s not really in the mood for twenty questions, especially about this particular subject, especially after how the afternoon had gone.
“Did she look like family?” he replies gruffly, digging for his soap.
Mike looks up at his back, still holding the card. “You having a bad day or something?”
“I’m having a bad life, man,” Lex snaps, and when he looks over his shoulder Mike is staring at him wide-eyed. “Sorry.”
“It’s cool.” He shrugs and goes back to his game and Lex realizes it’s the first time he’s been alone with Mike except to sleep. Usually they don’t talk like this, but Lex assumes that if he’s going to be living with this guy for the next 90 days he should at least get comfortable talking to him.
He sits on his bed, facing Mike’s which is against the opposite wall. He toes off his sneakers and they slap against the floor as they fall. “What are you in for?”
“Is this jail?” Mike snorts. Lex chuckles. “What am I not in for?”
“You look pretty harmless to me.” Lex quirks an eyebrow in amusement as he looks at Mike. He isn’t really giving off the hardass vibe with his middle school spiked hair and he doesn’t even have any tattoos.
“My four front teeth aren’t even real, dude.” His response catches Lex off guard slightly, and he gives him a curious look. “Jail fight,” he explains.
“You went to jail?” This piques Lex’s interest. Maybe this guy is a little tougher than he lets on.
“Prison,” Mike corrects him. “Two years. Possession.”
“Of?”
“Heroin.”
“Shiiit.” Lex whistles lowly at Mike’s answer. He’s meddled in a lot of shit, but heroin is one thing even he knows to stay away from. The guys he knows who go on it, rarely come off, or live through it. This guy is a lot tougher than he lets on.
Mike chuckles. “Yeah…you think you’re a bad motherfucker…try comin' off that stuff.”
“No shit, man.” Lex shakes his head, still a little taken back.
Mike looks up at him again. “So what the fuck did you do?” He studies him a little too long and Lex clams up a bit.
“Well, this is kinda plan B, you know?” He shrugs, crossing his arms over his chest.
Mike smirks knowingly. “Let me guess, plan A was doing time?”
“Yep.” Lex laughs a little despite himself, and loosens up again. This guy seems to understand him. It’s different here than he thought it would be, talking to people who have been where you are. It doesn’t make him want to be here anymore than he does, but it makes it bearable at least.
“That’s not a good plan A.” Mike shakes his head, laying down another card and moving a stack on top of it. He smiles to himself.
“That’s why I’m here,” Lex replies, watching him play. He doesn’t miss the way he sometimes lays the wrong suits together, but it isn’t adding up in his head just yet.
“What’d they get you for?” Mike’s voice deters his attention.
“Mostly weapons shit…luckily I was holding, that’s the only way I slipped out.”
“Funny how that happens, huh?” They both chuckle.
“They just wanna fix everybody,” Lex muses sarcastically and Mike laughs heartily.
“Hey, let ‘em fix you.” He throws his hands up and Lex’s laughter melds with his. “I promise it’s better than sitting in a cell.”
“I heard that.” Lex nods enthusiastically. They fall into silence again for a moment, but it’s comfortable now.
“So if she’s not family, what is she? Neighbor? Coworker?” Mike finally asks.
Lex cocks his head at him. “Its funny how those are your first two guesses.”
Mike laughs a little before he sighs and lays his cards down, looking at Lex. “Well, I know it’s hard to find girls who put up with this shit, you know.”
“I guess so.” He feels the conversation taking a turn for the serious and it makes him nervous. He’s not into the true confessions shit, especially about something he hasn’t even put together in his mind yet, where exactly he stands now.
“I couldn’t keep mine,” Mike offers sadly and Lex feels bad for him.
“You got a wife and shit? Kids?”
He nods. “Had. Past tense.”
“It’s cool, man, you don’t gotta—”
“It’s fine.” Mike waves a hand dismissively, looking at the floor before he continues. “She left me a while back, before my first rehab attempt, took the kids and went back to Oregon to live with her mom. We’re from Oregon originally, moved to northern California for a while just to get away, before the drugs got bad. But anyway, I went to rehab to try and get her and the kids back, but I didn’t do it for me, you know? So it didn’t really stick.” Mike looks up at Lex who is staring back at him, unsure of what to say, but he doesn’t need answers. “No matter how much you love ‘em, it just doesn’t stick.”
“Yeah…” Lex trails uncomfortably. He’s never had a complete stranger spill his guts like this, and he feels like this is just the beginning if Mike is one of those tell-your-life-story kinda guys.
“You love her?” His question makes Lex sits back a bit, his eyebrows raising at the nerve of this guy to ask him a question like that. Mike quickly retracts it. “Sorry, I just—”
“It’s cool,” Lex cuts him off hurriedly, not wanting to talk about it anymore. “It just…it’s not really like that,” he explains.
“She’s not your girl?”
He sighs impatiently. “She is, it’s just different.”
Mike nods, not really understanding but just accepting Lex’s answer. Then Mike shrugs, offering all of the advice that he knows when it comes to things like this, the knowledge he’s gotten from having to fight his entire battle alone up to this point.
“Well, if she loves you, let her. If she wants to stick around through this shit you better hold on to her. Before long you’re gonna need somebody besides these quacks in here to tell you what’s real, yo
u know?”
“I guess.” Lex’s eyes avert to the floor. He thinks about what Mike said, but refuses to let the truth of it sink in just yet. He pushes himself from the bed and grabs his clothes. “I gotta shower.”
“I’m just talking out my ass, man,” Mike says quickly, worried he’s pissed Lex off, and Lex just shakes his head, continuing toward the bathroom.
When Lex finally makes it to the doorway and looks back at Mike he’s gone back to his card game, and he watches him a moment, thinking more about what he said, wondering how he could have gone through as much shit as he did and still seem soft-hearted. He can’t begin to understand how this guy could care about him, a complete stranger, when he has as much to face and conquer as he does. He cares.
“No, you’re not,” Lex says, more to himself because he knows it’s true, but he can’t seem to comprehend it just yet. He’s not sure he’s ready to try.
But as he closes the bathroom door Mike smiles to himself, hoping Lex's willing to try sooner than later.
7
I think life just likes to fuck with me. I’m absolutely convinced of this when I’m standing outside El Coyote between Sam, and Lex’s little brother.
How I got into this predicament is somewhat of a blur but I think it went something like I was standing outside the restaurant waiting for Sam—who had called me yesterday, much to my surprise, and asked to meet for lunch today—and out of nowhere I see Damon walking toward me. Of course I panicked because I recognized him instantly, but he started to walk past me and I thought I was in the clear until Sam comes strutting up and yells my name out. Yeah, great job Sam. So then the little fucker turned around after already having done a double-take and suddenly I hear, “Hey!” and then a second later I hear it again, closer, “Hey!”
I mean, this is Los Angeles for fuck’s sake, what are the odds of the three of us being in the same place at the same time? But of course as fate would have it, suddenly I’m being approached by Sam from one direction and Damon from the other.