She turned eagerly into his arms, needing to feel his lips on hers, wanting so much more than he was giving.
‘You see, Lindsay?’ He looked down at her triumphantly. ‘This is all that really counts.’
She was too aroused to be alarmed by his obvious satisfaction in her instantaneous response, already able to see them together in her imagination, their legs entwined, their naked bodies pressed together as they gave each other fulfilment that went beyond even the imagination.
All her plans to remain immune to him were forgotten as he plundered her mouth with ruthless intent, his fingers nimbly releasing the buttons down the front of her dress, smoothing the material down her arms to fall unheeded about her narrow waist. He cupped her bared breasts in his hands, his thumbtips moving across the already hardened tips to cause spasms of delight to course through her body, his tongue now penetrating the warm cavern of her mouth with rhythmic eroticism.
As he bent his head to claim first one nipple into his mouth with a sucking motion, and then the other, Lindsay’s fingers became entangled in the dark unruliness of his hair, pressing him against her as his tongue flicked erotically over the hardened nipple, barely aware of him unbuttoning his own clothing until his mouth moved back to hers, the heated dampness of his chest crushed abrasively against her extremely sensitive breasts.
‘Touch me, Lindsay,’ he encouraged with a groan. ‘Touch me the way I’ve dreamt of you touching me the last four weeks I’ve been away from you!’
His eyes were golden, evidence of how deeply aroused he was, and as her hand moved down to his thigh between them she could feel the physical evidence of his desire leaping against her. It had been a long time for both of them, and she could tell Joel was fast approaching the point of no return.
A sudden fear entered her at how close they were to making love, knowing that if they did that Joel would be able to persuade her to move back in with him, once again under his terms and conditions. No matter how much pain it cost her to do so, she knew she had to stop him now, before it was too late.
Her hands came up to push at his shoulders, as ineffectual as she had known they would be against his superior strength, although his eyes glittered dangerously as he sensed her withdrawal, his mouth claiming hers in a kiss of sensual demand, willing her not to turn away from him, his mouth becoming savage on hers as he sensed he was failing to convince her.
His head was raised sharply as he tasted the salt of her tears on their lips, his expression harsh as he looked down at her grief-stricken face. ‘Why are you crying?’ he rasped. ‘You’ve never cried before!’
She could see he despised the weakness, that he preferred his life to be uncomplicated by such emotions, and she pulled her dress back up her arms over her nakedness, very much aware of the nipples still pressed against the material in obvious arousal as he rebuttoned it for her.
‘Lindsay, tell me why you were crying?’ he demanded at her continued silence.
She looked at him with tear-wet eyes. ‘It’s over between us, can’t you see that?’ she choked.
His mouth twisted with derision. ‘You responded to me just now, you know you did.’
‘I told you, it isn’t enough!’
Something flickered deep in his eyes, a mixture of contempt and pity. ‘Why is it women always demand more?’ he derided bitingly. ‘I’ve given you all my time and loyalty. There’s been no one else for me since you moved in with me six months ago, and God knows I’ve had the opportunity!’
She knew that. A man as attractive as Joel, surrounded as he was every day by beautiful and desirable women, was sure to receive plenty of invitations. ‘It’s never been a question of that and you know it.’ She had never had reason to question his fidelity to her, knew that if he had wanted to be unfaithful to the tenacious relationship they had then he would simply tell her so; the one thing she knew she could always expect and get from him was honesty. No, she knew there had been no one else, and perhaps that in itself was a commitment from a man who had previously lived with no woman but made love to many. Only it still wasn’t enough for her.
‘I’m sorry,’ she told him flatly.
‘Sorry!’ he scorned. ‘For what? For leaving me? Or for leaving at a time when you knew I couldn’t stop you? Because you know damn well I would have done, don’t you?’ he accused fiercely.
She had known, and he was right, she had only found the strength to leave because he was away and unable to stop her. She would never have found the courage to come right out against him. ‘All that’s irrelevant now, Joel,’ she dismissed, running her fingertips through the silky tangle of her hair, feeling it fall back into style against her cheek. ‘I have left, and I have no intention of ever coming back.’
His eyes had narrowed to tawny slits. ‘So where does that leave us now?’
She swallowed hard. ‘I think that’s entirely up to you, don’t you?’ she said quietly.
He thrust his hands into his trousers pockets, his shirt and waistcoat still unbuttoned, falling open to his waist. ‘You aren’t involved with Hillier?’ he demanded harshly.
Lindsay frowned at his persistence in believing she was. ‘I’ve only ever seen him on the few occasions he’s been to the studio.’
‘When he made it perfectly obvious how attracted he is to you,’ Joel scowled his displeasure.
With any other man she would have put his behaviour down to jealousy, but with Joel she knew that wasn’t so; he was never jealous or possessive, believing in total personal freedom for everyone. No, he was just annoyed at the thought of possibly losing his secretary. ‘Roger is like that with all women.’ She dismissed, with a smile, the young photographer who had helped Joel in the past, flirtatious with every woman he came into contact with, regardless of age or beauty, and it didn’t mean a thing.
‘Since he set up on his own he’s been looking for a secretary/receptionist.’ Joel still didn’t look convinced.
‘Well, he’s never mentioned that to me,’ she shook her head.
‘He’s mentioned it to me!’ he rasped. ‘And I warned him off you. It took me long enough to find you!’
Lindsay stiffened as he confirmed what she had always thought to be true, that she was more important to him as a secretary than as the woman he lived with! ‘I’ve told you,’ she said coldly, ‘I’m still your secretary.’
‘For as long as I want you to be,’ he scorned.
‘Yes,’ she nodded.
‘I want you back where you belong!’ he grated, glaring at her. ‘At the apartment.’
‘I belong here, this is my home.’
‘Your home is with me!’
She moistened suddenly dry lips. ‘Joel, I—’
‘I’m not going to beg,’ he cut in angrily. ‘If I leave without you now I’ll never ask you again.’
She knew he meant it, knew he possessed a stubbornness that was equal to none, that pride often held him back from asking anything of anyone. ‘I’ll see you at nine o’clock on Monday morning,’ she told him softly, seeing the anger flare up anew in his eyes, knowing at that moment that he really hadn’t believed when he came here tonight that he would have to leave without her.
‘Damn you, then, Lindsay Pope!’ he bit out furiously, striding towards the door. ‘I never ask a woman for a second time!’ he warned her raggedly.
She looked at him with unflinching green eyes. ‘I’m counting on it.’
The apartment reverberated from the slam he gave the door as he left, and Lindsay winced from the aftershock, sitting down weakly in one of the armchairs. Whatever Joel had made of her last comment she knew that if he persisted in chasing after her she would eventually have given in. And that would just take her back to the same situation she had needed so desperately to escape from.
But it hadn’t been easy to say no to him, and she shook from the need to run after him and tell him it had all been a mistake. But common sense held her back—that, and the knowledge that she couldn’t suffer through another six
months of knowing she meant nothing to him only to have him then turn around and ask her to leave because he was bored with her.
But it was going to be far from easy working, and seeing him every day, in future!
* * *
‘All right, Lindsay,’ her sister Judi, the older by two years, encouraged. ‘You can tell me what’s troubling you now that Mike’s gone out.’
Lindsay had driven down to spend the day with her family at the house in Cambridgeshire, only to find her mother out for the morning at church, and her tormenting younger brother Mike refusing to leave the house in case he missed any of their gossip, finally being persuaded to do so by a couple of his friends who called round.
She sighed at her sister’s perception. ‘You have to know some time, Judi. I’ve left Joel.’
Her sister frowned. She was as blonde and pretty as Lindsay, with an underlying sadness always present in her hazel eyes. ‘I thought you were happy together,’ she prompted gently.
‘Joel was,’ Lindsay corrected pointedly. ‘As long as I didn’t make any emotional demands on him.’
Judi’s expression was full of compassion. ‘And you made some, hmm?’
‘I had more sense than to try!’ she sighed. ‘It just didn’t work out, Judi,’ she explained in a stronger voice. ‘I thought I could be the one to change his mind about love and marriage. It must be the biggest deception a woman can give herself,’ she added self-derisively.
‘It was worth a try when you love him so much,’ her sister comforted.
Lindsay’s mouth twisted wryly. ‘I’m sure Mother doesn’t think so!’
‘You mustn’t mind her,’ Judi said gently. ‘She doesn’t understand anything except marriage, it’s just the way she expects things should be.’
Their mother had been left a widow five years ago, had enjoyed a happy married life with their father for over twenty years, and she just couldn’t understand—or forgive—Lindsay for simply moving in with Joel the way that she had. Nothing much had been said, the disapproval being mainly silent, but Lindsay had been as aware of it as if her mother had shouted it from the rooftops.
She had tried to persuade Joel to visit her mother sure that once the two of them met they would get on together. Joel had refused, and her mother had been unenthusiastic about the idea too, always complaining about their living arrangements when Lindsay visited home alone. To make matters worse Mike considered her living with Joel was really great, further encouraging her mother’s disapproval. If she needed any encouraging!
‘Do you think I was wrong, Judi?’ she voiced her uncertainty to her sister.
‘Not when you loved him so much,’ Judi shook her head.
‘But you and Jonathan never—I mean—’
‘No, we didn’t,’ Judi confirmed hollowly. ‘But I’ll always wish that we had.’
Lindsay’s eyes widened. ‘You will?’
Judi nodded. ‘But he refused to once he knew how ill he was, said he didn’t want us to have any accidents that would maybe prevent my marrying after—after he was gone. As if I’ll ever want to marry anyone else now that he’s dead!’
Judi’s fiancé Jonathan had died two years ago of leukaemia, leaving everyone who knew and loved him devastated by his loss, Judi had never recovered from losing her childhood sweetheart so tragically, the two of them having dated since they were at school together, and Lindsay now felt guilty about introducing a subject that could still upset her sister so much.
‘I’m sorry, love,’ one of her hands covered Judi’s. ‘I shouldn’t have probed.’
The hazel eyes were shadowed with memories. ‘It’s a relief to be able to talk about him, actually. Mother avoids the subject as if he never existed. And she keeps bringing up the fact that she doesn’t have any grandchildren yet.’
Lindsay’s mouth twisted wryly. ‘Then I must be a double disappointment to her.’
Judi smiled comfortingly. ‘I think we’re all a disappointment to her—even poor Mike gets nagged about how irresponsible he is, and he’s only eighteen!’
Lindsay shook her head. ‘I can’t understand why you continue to stay here. Mother certainly doesn’t appreciate you.’ Lindsay had taken the first opportunity she could to escape her mother’s oppressive attitude after their father died, having moved to London as soon as she had the job to do so.
‘I don’t mind,’ Judi smiled again. ‘My job is here, and most of my friends are too. And when it gets too much for me at home I can always go up to London for a few days to visit my notorious sister!’ she added mischievously.
Lindsay grimaced. ‘I dread to think what Mother’s going to say when I tell her I’ve left Joel.’
‘Do you have to?’ her sister sympathised.
‘I suppose I should,’ she pulled a face at the thought.
As it turned out her mother was the one to introduce the subject. ‘I telephoned you several times last week.’ She looked at Lindsay accusingly, a small plump woman with prematurely grey hair who didn’t look as if she could possibly be the mother of such a tall family. ‘That man Maybury kept telling me you weren’t at home. I would have thought, with—with Mr Sutherland away,’ she even had difficulty mentioning his name, ‘that you would have stayed in during the evenings. I know the two of you have an—unorthodox arrangement,’ she added haughtily, ‘but I’m sure he wouldn’t like the idea of you going out without him like that.’
Lindsay shot Judi a resigned look. ‘I wasn’t at the apartment, Mother, because I’ve moved out,’ she told her bluntly, knowing there was no other way.
Pale green eyes sharpened suspiciously. ‘Moved out? What do you mean?’
She sighed, aware that her young brother was all ears as they sat around the luncheon table. ‘I’ve moved back to my own apartment,’ she explained.
‘Why?’
Her brows rose at her mother’s vehemence. ‘I thought you’d be pleased by the news.’
‘Pleased!’ her mother echoed shrilly. ‘You disgrace the whole family by moving in with that—that man,’ she amended at Lindsay’s frowning look, ‘and now you expect me to be thrilled that you’ve moved out again!’
‘Yes.’
‘Well, I’m not.’ She stood up noisily, leaving her meal only half eaten. ‘You’ll be ruined by this, Lindsay,’ she warned agitatedly. ‘The whole family has been ruined by your selfishness!’ and she stormed from the room.
Lindsay was trembling in reaction to the explosion, giving a shaky laugh to break the tense silence. ‘So much for motherly love,’ she derided.
Judi gave a regretful sigh. ‘She’s just surprised, she expected you to marry Joel.’
‘She wasn’t the only one,’ Lindsay choked.
‘Does this mean you won’t let me look around Joel’s photographic studio?’ Mike put in disappointedly.
‘Mike!’ Judi reproved him frowningly. ‘Can’t you see Lindsay is upset?’ she glared at him.
‘But she was the one who left him—’
‘Oh, be quiet, Mike!’ Judi snapped with uncharacteristic sharpness. ‘Maybe when you’re a bit more mature you’ll understand.’
He stood up. ‘I wish you’d all realise that I am mature!’ He slammed out of the room disgustedly.
Lindsay pulled a rueful face. ‘I think his pride is injured.’
‘Then he should think a bit more before he speaks. Don’t worry,’ Judi assured her as she still looked concerned, ‘I’ll talk to him later.’
‘And Mother?’
Her sister shrugged. ‘She may take a little longer coming round, but she will eventually.’
‘I needed her understanding now, not eventually!’ Lindsay said with bitterness.
Judi sighed. ‘I’m sorry, love.’
So was she, sorry she had ever told her mother about Joel. And she needn’t have done; she could have lied to the whole family, could have simply told them she was changing apartments, and they would have been none the wiser. But she hadn’t; she had been honest about her actions, ha
d borne her mother’s disapproval without demur. It would have been better for everyone, including herself, if she had never heard of Joel Sutherland.
And yet as she lay alone in her bed that night she couldn’t help thinking about him, wondering if he too were lying alone in the huge double bed they had shared for so long. Somehow she doubted it; he had never wasted time in replacing his women in the past.
God, how she ached to be with him now, wished she could go back six months to when she had first moved in with him, could live that time all over again.
Joel had been escorting one of his models for several weeks when she first went to work for him, a beautiful redhead who had lasted only two more weeks before she was replaced by an even more beautiful brunette.
After that Lindsay had watched a stream of lovely women enter and leave his life, none of them touching him emotionally, although several of them claimed to have fallen in love with him, a couple of them crying on Lindsay’s shoulder when she told them she had strict instructions from Joel not to let them into his studio or put their calls through. Their replacement would usually shortly be replaced herself, with the same emotional result.
At first Lindsay had watched this succession of beautiful women with amusement, and then with dismay as she realised she had joined their ranks and fallen in love with Joel herself. She had panicked then, handing in her notice, sure she would get over him if she didn’t have to see him every day, knowing that she would mean no more to him than just being his secretary. But Joel had other ideas; he invited her out to dinner with the supposed intention of talking her into changing her mind about leaving. Dinner had progressed to a quiet club Joel knew, the two of them talking as they had never talked before, Joel kissing her goodnight after taking her home, a light promising kiss that made her ache for more. When he had invited her out the next evening neither of them had mentioned the fact that she had intended leaving his employment. Joel’s goodnight kiss was more demanding this time; the two of them being completely alone in her apartment, although he took it no further than a kiss.
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