“Well, good morning to you too, sister.”
“Morning? Are you fucking kidding me, El? It's 3:00 P.M! Get your sorry ass out of bed. We have a show tonight, or did you completely fucking give up on the band too?” She was walking around my room picking up empty liquor bottles and tossing them in the garbage. This was our ritual. She knew I wasn't giving up on the band. They were all I had in the world. She also knew I was a train wreck, and she tried her hardest to get me to straighten up. I just didn't have it in me, so I let her think she was helping by disposing of my bad habits and screaming at me.
“No, Elsie, I know we have a show tonight. I'll be ready.” I reached for the bottle of Ibuprofen on my nightstand and washed four down with the Gatorade I had put on there the night before, anticipating this moment. See, I like to party and get fucked up. It makes me feel numb. It makes me forget. The only other thing that makes me feel like that is my music and performing it for people as often as possible.
I'd been one step away from the grave when I was offered a recording contract just days short of my twentieth birthday. The record company didn't know it at the time, but that contract saved my life. I still partied of course, but I laid off the hard drugs, and I mellowed out enough to perform and record. Music and booze became my life. There were a few times that the booze almost took importance over music, but I got a handle on it, and well, Elsie wouldn't allow me to fuck it up.
After the prom accident when my car was hit by a drunk driver killing Chinda, I all but gave up on life. Losing her was like losing an extension of me. Her parents blamed me and forbid me from attending her funeral, so I began drowning myself in liquor and drugs. Music saved me but just a little. My band was called Briston. We were your typical band with the long hair and leather pants. The difference between us and other bands was Elsie. She was our bass player and the only female bass player in an otherwise all male band in the music industry.
She was an amazing bass player though. She rocked harder than most dudes I knew. The rest of the band loved her like a sister and protected the hell out of her. She had a slew of male groupies hoping to hop in her bed every night but while she could play a mean bass, she wasn't a whore or into fucking and leaving. Besides, I kept her busy enough keeping my ass in line.
“Come on, El. You need to shower and eat, and then we need to meet the guys and go over the play list,” she said and sounded tired. I felt bad for what I did to her. I thought she'd probably have a normal life with a husband and kids and white picket fence but she loved me. She followed me on this crazy journey called music and babysat me. I never felt guilt for anything, except when I really disappointed Elsie.
“Sorry, Elsie. I'll be ready. I know. I went too far last night but that hasn't happened in a while. I've been better.” I tried, and she held up her hand for me to stop. She squatted down in front of me, her amber eyes looked up at me, with sadness etched into them.
“I know, El. I know being here is hard for you and you have been a little better the last few months, but partying like this is going to kill you, bro, and I don't want to lose you. Now get your shit together. We have a show to do, and then we are getting the fuck out of this state.”
“Thanks, sis,” I said before I got up and headed to the shower. Yeah, I had to get the fuck out of Oregon. That’s where we lived when the accident happened. My parents thought that moving me away from all the memories of Chinda would help, so soon after the accident we moved to California. I'd heard that her family moved to the East coast shortly after as well. I had avoided Oregon like the plague but the company insisted I play there. We had tons of fans, and they were demanding a Briston show. We sold out the show within two hours and I had groupies waiting for me when I stepped off my plane. That's where I picked up Candy and drank and fucked away Chinda's memory. Tonight I play the show and fly the hell out of that state.
An hour later, I met Elsie and the rest of the band in the hotel restaurant. My bandmates were my only friends, and though they didn't know all the details of my past, they knew the gist of it. They looked at me in unison. Pity etched in their eyes. I hated pity but given my previous night's escapade, how could I expect anything different. We all partied, yes, but I went overboard last night and they all understood why.
“Stop looking at me like that, douche bags,” I said and tried to smile. I attempted to show them that I was okay when inside I was dying.
“Are you sure you want to do this, El? We can cancel the show and get the hell out of Oregon. I mean, who the fuck cares about Oregon anyway?” Christian asked, and I knew he meant it. He'd pack his shit and hop on that plane with me, to hell with the record company. He was our lead guitarist and with his curly Auburn hair and what chicks called 'piercing green eyes', he was never in short supply of beautiful females. However, he was the only one of the guys in the band that didn't dip into the groupie pool. He was sentimental and shit and said he wanted love, not cheap thrills. We teased him without mercy, but I admired him for it.
The other guys nodded in agreement as did Elsie. Neil and Nathan were twin brothers and real lady killers. Their long black hair was pulled back but I saw redness in their matching dark eyes and knew they'd partied the night before too. Regardless, I knew their willingness to leave was for me not their hangover. That didn't stop me from fucking with them. “Hey, you two look like I feel. You sure you're not trying to get out of this to nurse your own hangovers?”
“Fuck you, Elijah,” Neil said, half assed. “Yeah, fuck you,” Nathan tried. Their food arrived, big greasy burgers with French fries. Yes, hangover food. The waitress put a plate down in front of me and walked away. I looked knowingly at my sister who shrugged and motioned for me to eat.
“I appreciate you all willing to get the fuck out of this place but I have to face it eventually. I can't run away from her memory forever. Thanks anyway, but we are going to tear up this town then we can get the hell out.” There was a collective agreement around the table so we ate our food and discussed the show.
Twenty minutes to show time, and we were ready to go. We could hear the screaming fans from our dressing rooms, and the noise made my heart pound with excitement. We gathered together near the opening of the stage and gave words of encouragement for the show. I kissed Elsie on the cheek and gave her a wink to prove that I was okay. Nerves of fucking steel. A few minutes later, silence fell upon us, and we knew it was time. We were lifted quietly onto the stage into the darkened arena. The crowd quiet with anticipation.
Seconds later the set lights flicked on and the music began. I felt the music run through my veins as I sang the opening lyrics to Tomorrow. The show was kicking ass. We played through five of our most popular songs when the lights went down again and I took my place on a stool. When the lights came back it was just me and my guitar. “How's everyone doing tonight?” I asked and absorbed the screaming that followed. “Well, it's nice to be back in Oregon. I lived here for a short time when I was younger and had some of my best times here. I'm gonna play you all a new song about my time here in Oregon. Would you all like that?” Again, the excitement was heard in my ears but felt it from my toes to the top of my head. I shook my head and waited for them to quiet down.
I was nervous to play this one. I wrote it just for this show but planned to put it on our next album. Elsie was reluctant for me to perform it at all, let alone by myself, but it felt like something I had to do, so I began strumming my guitar and found my voice.
There you were
An angel in red
I thought you would always be mine
But heaven had other plans
I promised to love you forever
We danced to our song
But you were never mine to keep
So quickly you were gone
So quickly you were gone
The tender age of seventeen
With your hand in mine
I knew there was nothing we couldn't do
We just didn't have enough time
> I promised to love you forever
We danced to our favorite song
But you were never mine to keep
So quickly you were gone
So quickly you were gone
You gave a part of yourself to me
And I gave all of myself to you
The innocence of the love we shared
Wasn't enough to pull you through
I think about you every day
I'll love you my whole life
But you’re where you need to be
In heaven, someday, you'll be my wife
I promised to love you forever
We danced to our favorite song
But you were never mine to keep
So quickly you were gone
So quickly you were gone
So quickly you were gone
I finished the song, my voice slightly unstable but strong. The applause thundered and the screaming began. I looked at over the crowd, in awe. I wasn't sure how they would take a song like that. It wasn't our usual type of music but the response was overwhelming. I bowed to them in thanks and that's when I saw her.
She stood in the front row, her hand over her heart as if the words I'd just sang were for her.
They were.
Chapter Two
It wasn't possible. I knew it wasn't possible. Chinda was gone. She'd been gone for ten years yet there she was, in the audience of a Briston show. I stood there, frozen in time. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. There were differences though. Her face was fuller as was her body and her already blonde hair was even lighter than Chinda’s had been, but her eyes. Holy fuck, her eyes were the same sparkling green, and they looked right through me. She smiled shyly at me, and I was ready to go to her when I felt a hand on my arm.
“Come on, bro. We have to start our next set.” Elsie's voice broke me from my trance, and I allowed her to pull me off the stage where I broke down.
“Jesus Christ, Elsie, did you see her? It's fucking Chinda? Did you fucking see her?” I was beyond excited and nervous and freaking the fuck out. My sister put her hands on my shoulder in an attempt to slow my shaking body. “Elijah, listen to me. Chinda is gone. That girl does look like her but it's not Chinda.” I pushed Elsie away and began pacing until I collapsed against a wall, my face wet with tears that I didn't realize I was shedding. Elsie stood there, waiting for me to pull my shit together. I didn't know what to do or think. Her eyes, those eyes belonged to the only girl I ever loved. I knew her eyes.
“It's her, Elsie. I don't know how but it's her. Send one of the guards down to get her. I want her in my dressing room by the time this fucking show is over,” I ordered, standing. I was pulling my shit together and was determined. Maybe Elsie was right, maybe Chinda had some kind of doppelgänger. Maybe this was a fucking sick joke but I was going to find out. I had to find out. I had to see her up close. I could see by the look on my sister's face that she was about to protest. I grabbed her shoulders, a little harder than intended, but she had to understand. “Look, Elsie, maybe you're right and I'm losing my fucking mind but I want that girl in my dressing room or you can cancel the rest of this piece of shit show. Clear?” She just shook her head in response.
I have never, in my twenty seven years, spoken to my sister like that. I saw shock register in her eyes and then I saw the tears cloud over her amber eyes. “What if it is her, Elijah? What if she doesn't want to be found?” The question was real but not relevant. “Why the hell is she here then? Why would she come, front row, to a Briston fucking concert if she didn't want me to see her? Please, Els, I have to know. I will go finish this show and make it one hell of a show but after that I have to talk to her.”
“Okay, El, I'll send someone to go get her.”
“Thank you, Elsie.” She hugged me tightly, and I felt her sob. She and Chinda were friends, close friends. Though I’d first laid eyes on her outside that music room, it was at one of Elsie’s sleepovers that I we first talked. I knew the moment I saw her, she would be mine. I’d never been happier than when I saw her with Elsie that night.We stayed up all night talking that night and pissed Elsie off but it didn't take long for her to accept Chinda and me.
“I loved her too, El, not just you.”
“I know, sis. We will figure this out.” The music on the stage stopped. The musical solo was over and that was our cue. I dried my face and wiped Elsie's tears. We played the rest of the show, song after rocking song. The crowd cheered and danced. When the notes of our last song began I saw one of our guards approach the girl that I swore was my girl. She looked confused then thrilled. He led her and her friend away from the stage. It wouldn't be long now.
We exited the stage. I stopped and downed a quick congratulatory shot that had become a Briston tradition before turning to my sister.
“The guard got her, did you see her?” I whispered.
“Yeah, bro, I saw her,” she replied as the guard walked her passed us and our eyes met. I couldn’t stop staring at her. She finally broke our eye contact when she turned the corner to my dressing room.
“Go talk to her, Eli,” Elsie encouraged.
“Yeah, okay. I’m going.” I walked away just as Neil offered me another shot. “Not right now, bro,” I said in passing and continued to my dressing room. They called after me, hurling names like dickhead and asshole when I refused another shot. I ignored them focusing on the woman waiting for me. I made it to my dressing room and the cheers and clinking of glasses were too far for me to hear. It was quiet, a little too quiet. My stomach was in knots. My heart was racing out of control. I slowly opened the door and worried for a minute that she wouldn't be there. I was wrong. There she was. Her soft hair hung in curls to her waist and her body adorned in tight, black leather pants and a body suit. Her black boots reached her knees and did strange things to my insides. I opened the door all the way and saw her friend there with her. I didn't want to talk to her friend. Shit here goes nothing I thought and marched into the room like I knew what the fuck I was doing.
“Hi, ladies,” I began and smiled when they both giggled. “I'm sorry, sweetheart, you're lovely but it's her I wanted to see. Please forgive me but I need a moment alone with your friend.” The girl shot me a look I didn’t understand, not rejection but resignation maybe, and for the first time in years, I felt bad. I kicked girls out of my room all the time and didn't give a shit. Maybe that's where I earned my nickname, heartbreaker. I thought it was a fucking lame nickname for a dude but I didn't really care if their hearts broke because mine only beat for one girl, and she was standing right in front of me. Despite that, I felt bad, so I tried to alleviate her rejection I assumed she felt.
“If you go down the hall there, my band is taking whiskey shots and I am sure they would love to share,” I suggested and shot her my winning smile. She looked at my girl, at least I hoped she was my girl, for a sign that it was okay to leave her alone with me. “It's okay, Frankie, go. I'll be fine here. I will meet you in a little while.” Her friend, Frankie, I guess, shrugged and left the room reluctantly.
I stood frozen for a moment, watching her twirl her hair around her finger. She looked nervous. I moved towards her slowly, gauging her reaction. She stood still, watching me. I was maybe a foot away from her when she finally spoke. “So, if you think I'm a whore groupie and that you're going to stick your disease stick in my clean coochie you're terribly mistaken.” Her expression remained the same, and she didn't move. I was speechless, confused. If this was Chinda, she didn't recognize me. My heart was hoping she'd jump into my arms and shower me with kisses and I missed you's. Maybe Elsie was right, this wasn't Chinda. I didn't care. My heart had been literally broken for the past ten years and this girl, whoever she was, made it beat again.
“I'm sorry, what was your name?” I asked, trying to be charming but I heard my own voice shake.
“I'm Kendra and I'm confused as to why I'm standing in your dressing room unless you were expecting a one night stand in which case, that
is not happening with me.” She was mouthy and strong like Chinda. Fuck, this girl could break my heart all over again.
“I'm sorry if you got the wrong impression, Kendra. I have no intention of taking advantage of you or your clean pussy but for the record my dick is not disease infected. I always wear a rubber,” I retorted and instantly regretted it. It was too far I thought. She was going to bolt. I waited for her to bolt. She just stood there in all her beauty.
Never Say Goodbye Page 2