“Oh yeah, she is with me,” I responded mirroring her tone and hand quotes.
“So now what?”
“Now, we go get the guys and get some breakfast before we go our separate ways for a few days.” I grabbed my bags and headed for the door. My sister stood, unmoving. “You coming?” I asked over my shoulder.
“Fuck, yes, I’m coming.” She grabbed her purse and followed behind me.
“What’s the problem, Elsie? Not hungry?” I asked as she closed the door behind us.
“It’s just weird, Elijah. It’s weird seeing you sober and I don’t know, happy.” She sighed as she followed me.
“Is that a bad thing, Elsie, because I thought you’d be happy?”
“Shit, I am happy for you but,” she paused.
“But what? Go on, Elsie,” I urged her while I pushed the elevator button.
“What if she doesn’t come back to you, Elijah? Maybe she really loves this fiancé. What if she doesn’t choose you? I mean, you were kids back then. People change, hell she doesn’t even remember who she was. This is all just so fucking weird, like movie shit. I just don’t want to see you hurt,” she finished. I faced my sister and put my hands on her shoulders, looking her in the eyes hoping I could penetrate her doubt.
“Look, sis, I don’t know if she’s coming back. I know she has a life and if she chooses that it’s okay. I honestly feel okay just knowing she’s alive. You’re right, we were kids back then but I love her as much as I did when I was seventeen and I always will. I’ve felt dead since she died and have done everything I could do to numb that feeling. I’m alive again though. I feel like I’ve come back to life. This whole thing is fucking strange and if it wasn’t happening to me, I wouldn’t believe it. So, don’t worry so much about me. I am fine. I will be fine. It’s time you stop being my babysitter and start living your own life. I love you, Elsie. Don’t waste yourself on me.”
“You’re my brother. It’s not wasting my life. I’ve watched you walk through life in a fog for so many years, now that I have my brother back I don’t want to lose him.” She had tears in her eyes. Elsie never cried. She was hard as shit which is why she worked well in a rock band full of dudes.
“Ahh, come here.” I pulled her into a hug. She was my older sister but she was smaller than me allowing me to encompass her in a huge bear hug. I squeezed until I heard her giggle.
“You’re squishing me, bro,” she gasped between giggles. The elevator dinged and I let her go. “Let’s go get some breakfast. I’m fucking starving.”
“Yeah, okay. The guys should be down at the car. Breakfast at Texas Station sound good?”
“Hell, yes, let’s get out of this fucking uptight hotel.”
We met the guys at the back entrance that was reserved for celebrities coming and going. I hated that I couldn’t leave through the front like every other human but it was a small price to pay to be able to perform music for people. We piled our shit in the back of a minivan. I hated limos. I’ve always thought they were for pompous rich people. People like Chinda’s parents. I wasn’t that. I was rich, yes, but if you met me on the street you’d have no idea. I liked it that way. Thankfully, so did my sister and bandmates. We all came from homes with little money. Nothing was handed to any of us. We worked our asses off for what we achieved and swore we’d never let fame change us and for the most part it hadn’t. We did our fair share of partying and screwing but who wouldn’t?
Christian drove us through the streets of Vegas, away from the busy strip and out toward Texas station. It was my favorite buffet in Vegas. Another hidden gem. We could go in and eat with minimal interruption. Not many people stayed there or ate there and most of the casino staff knew us and didn’t bat an eye when we came in. The casino was always dead at this time of day. A few patrons approached us in the buffet but they didn’t linger and were respectful of our privacy. This place garnered a different kind of people, ones that weren’t too fazed by celebrities.
My sister sat back with a loud sigh. “Oh God, I’m gonna burst,” she exclaimed after one trip to the buffet.
“You eat like a bird, babe,” Christian replied with a laugh as he shoveled another bite into his mouth.
“Yeah, yeah. Keep shoveling food, Chris.” She shot him one of her death glares. He slowly pulled the fork from his mouth, still watching her before retaliating with a wicked smile that made my sister blush.
“Really? Do you two need a room? Jesus, it’s breakfast for fuck sake!” Nate mumbled, annoyance clear in his voice. All eyes turned to him. He kept his focus on his plate as he stabbed a piece of sausage with his fork.
“Someone’s grumpy,” Neil teased.
“Fuck you, bro!” Everyone laughed quietly.
“I was just fucking with you, Nate. What’s your problem?” Neil replied. Elsie scooted over until she was sitting across from him. She grabbed his free hand in hers. “Nate, hunny, what’s wrong?” We all stopped eating and trained our eyes on him. Nate was always playful, happy, and pulling pranks. I’d noticed he’d been quiet on the drive over but we all were. I didn’t think much of it. His annoyance with Elsie and Christian was out of character for him, even though I was thankful that he’d said it. Seeing my sister and my best friend and bandmate eye fuck each other was not my idea of breakfast entertainment. I try to ignore them though. She’s a grown woman and doesn’t need her brother looking over her shoulder.
It wasn’t long after the band made it big that I had to learn to back off. Being the only woman in a rock band, a beautiful one at that, she had men knocking down her door. I’d been the big asshole brother and shot most of them down before they could even reach her. It wasn’t long before she put me in my place though. She made it clear that she will sleep with whomever she chooses and didn’t need me running interference. I was pissed at first but once I got passed my caveman instincts I realized she had no interest in dating or sleeping with groupie dudes anyway. She did have a bodyguard though, which I insisted on. Some of the guys were downright disgusting and bordered on being stalkers. Over the course of the band she’d been in one committed relationship but it ended when he couldn’t handle her schedule and traveling. She devoted the rest of her time to me. Yep, the asshole big brother. She had Chris now and I was happy for them so I overlooked their displays of affection. There she sat now, Nate’s hand in hers. The mother of the band. The rest of us waiting, quietly. He looked up at Elsie, his face troubled. He looked around the table at the rest of us.
“Jesus, bro, what the fuck is going on?” Neil demanded. Nate set his fork down and pulled his hand from Elsie’s. He ran his hands through his blond hair before rubbing his face vigorously as though trying to erase a memory.
“Meg is pregnant,” he finally said quietly. I watched as everyone’s mouths dropped open in shock. Nate put his elbows on the table and buried his face in his hands. Shock must have stolen the words from my comrades because they sat there staring at the poor guy with no attempt at hiding their shock and horror.
“Who the hell is Meg?” I asked, breaking the silence. They turned their attention from Nate, who looked at me, his own look of shock registered on his face. Elsie picked up a sausage link and threw it at me.
“What?” I asked with mock innocence.
“You’re an insensitive asswipe, Elijah,” she scolded.
“Me? You’re the ones looking at him as though he’s just announced he’s got fucking cancer or something. Really though, who’s Meg? I mean I know what she looks like and that she’s been hanging around a lot, but who is she, Nate?” I hoped he understood what I was asking. He gave me a look of appreciation.
“She’s amazing, El, she really is. She’s from Denver and is from a good family. She’s actually a nurse. Well, she was before I asked her to stay on tour with me.” He was smiling now as he talked about her.
“How do you feel about it? About the baby?” I asked.
“Well, I’m fucking in love with this girl and I’m excited about the baby b
ut I’m scared. What does that mean for the band? I don’t want to be replaced. I swear this will not interfere with the band.”
“You’ll never be replaced, bro. Things will change, of course they will but we will work around it. This day will come for all of us, at least I hope so. You’re going to be a dad! Holy shit!” I exclaimed and watched as the looks of shock were slowly replaced with smiles and then laughs and cheers.
“I’m gonna be an uncle! Fuck yeah! Congratulations, bro,” Neil exclaimed and slapped his brother on the back. We made a toast in honor of Briston’s newest addition with our orange juice glasses and congratulated our friend. When we were finished, we drove to the airport and boarded separate planes. We had some time off before our next show in L.A. and were going to our own places for a little downtime. We said our goodbyes and went our separate ways.
The plane landed in Portland, Oregon. I had a car waiting for me under a fake name and drove through the city and out to the rolling hills of Yamhill County. I relaxed as I weaved through the rolling hills that were littered with various wineries on the way to my small cabin house. I loved the land here, the various shades of green that blanketed the hills in between the vineyards and the dense patches of leafy trees made the drive more than relaxing. It was therapeutic. I turned onto the dirt driveway that led me to the base of a small hill before winding around and up it. There deeply hidden by the hill and the hundreds of trees was my small cabin house.
I bought the place with my first royalty check. It was small, modest and me. It was also a secret. I’d never divulged to anyone, not even my sister, that I bought the place. I couldn’t come to Oregon with anyone, not since I lost Chinda, and I only came here when I felt like I was losing myself. I found peace here and didn’t want to share that sliver of privacy and peace with anyone else. Selfish? Maybe but I didn’t have a lot that belonged to only me. This cabin was it.
I let myself in the front door and felt a wave of relief when I walked inside. The place was the epitome of a bachelor pad. Big screen TV, big leather couch, rustic looking table and a king sized featherbed. The only room that had its own walls and a door was the bathroom, otherwise the floor plan was completely open with high ceilings and cherry wood walls. There was a stone fireplace that occupied an entire wall. A few years back, I built it myself one summer when I’d holed up here for two months. That created issues.
Things were getting heavy with one of the groupies whom I’d been fucking. She seemed to think that she was more to me than a piece of ass. I’d always been up front with her and every woman I took to bed, a fuck, that’s it. I wanted nothing more. No relationship. No love. No friendship. I wanted to get high and fuck and that’s it. Well, this girl thought she could change that and she tried hard. Everywhere I went, she was there. She made sure she went home with me before any other woman. She befriended my sister. She was good though, I’ll give her that. I almost started to think I cared for her.
She was beautiful, more beautiful than the rest. Her chestnut hair hung to her ass in tight curls, and her chocolate eyes were mesmerizing at times. I spent six months fucking her, and she spent six months trying to reign me in. I’d begun taking her out on dates, which was not my thing. I didn’t date. I liked her more than the other girls I’d been with, and she was fun to be with so I thought, why not? We had good times together, and she made me laugh but there was something missing. The spark. The love. I liked her and I was attracted to her, but I didn’t love her. As hard as I tried I couldn’t love her.
When the pretending got too hard I broke it off. Needless to say that pissed her off. Next thing I know she’s claiming that she was pregnant with my baby. When I went to her and asked if it was true I saw the wicked side of that beautiful girl. “No, it’s not true. Do you think I’m stupid enough to get knocked up by someone like you without a ring on my finger?” She spat, hatred in her once soft eyes.
We argued and she swore she’d make me regret leaving her. The next day the news hit.
Elijah Briston, lead singer for the band Briston has been accused of assault after a fight with his long- time girlfriend, Rachel Cass, who was reportedly carrying his child. Her official statement says that after she surprised him with her pregnancy news he grew increasingly angry with her, accusing her of cheating. The fight became physical and he pushed her down causing her to miscarry. Mr. Briston has not returned our calls for a response in this matter.
It was a nightmare. I was arrested and jailed until the trial at which it was proven that she’d never been pregnant and staged the entire thing. She served time in jail before she disappeared. Last I heard she was somewhere in Europe. She couldn’t go anywhere without being recognized and people didn’t like her. Anyway, after that incident I told my sister I had to get away and not to look for me. It was my cabin that I found sanity again. I called home once a week when I went into town but other than that I was completely in solitude for two months. By the time I came out of hiding my sister was a nervous wreck and seeing her like that was hard. I promised never to stay away that long again. Now, a few days here and there a few times a year was all I got.
I turned on the TV and grabbed a beer from the fridge. I’d called the cleaning service the week before and paid them to stock the house with groceries. They had no idea who I was. I paid them under an alias and told them that I wouldn’t need their services while I was there. It was the only place on earth I could truly be alone, be me. I cracked open the cold Rogue beer and took a long sip before walking over to the mantle. It was there that I kept all my memories of Chinda. My own personal shrine I guess. Obsessive, maybe but it was my private way to honor and remember her. I traced the frames that held multiple photos of her and us. We were much younger then but as I studied the photos I realized she hadn’t changed much. She still burned me with her liquid eyes and melted my heart with her bow like smile.
I usually broke down in the cabin, surrounded by Chinda but this time I didn’t. I felt a sense of calm and peace because I knew she’d come back to me. This time I could relax and enjoy this place and decided that I wanted to bring her here. Share this place with her. I made a mental note to ask her next time I saw her, whenever that may be.
I spent the next few days driving my rented car through the back country roads. I spent half a day fishing the Yamhill River. I watched a few baseball games and movies but most of the time I wrote. My notebook was littered with new songs, some half written, some with only a few lines, and a few entire songs.
When I said goodbye
I thought it meant for good
You were flying high
I wished like hell I could
I spent years trying to erase you
I spent nights with cheap women
My days were trapped in booze
So many days were drenched in sin
Your ghost won’t leave me alone
My mind refuses to forget
No matter how high I go
It’s losing you that I regret
It’s losing you that I regret
Here you are again
My demon in the night
The one that was my mortal sin
The one who took flight
How can you walk back into my life
Claiming it’s memories you lack
My angel, your love has been like a knife
Twisting in my back
Your ghost won’t leave me alone
My heart refuses to forget
No matter how high I go
It’s needing you that I’ll regret
It’s needing you that I’ll regret
Why did you come back to me
Just to tear me apart
My soul was yours to keep
Please angel stop crushing my heart
Your ghost won’t leave me alone
My heart refuses to forget
No matter how high I go
It’s loving you I regret
It’s loving you I regret
I fil
led a book with conflicting songs about her. Songs of love, hate, confusion, mourning. I was confused. I told Elsie I was cool with her choice to leave, but I was doubting myself. My resolve. Now that I knew she was alive, I wanted her. I wanted her to want me, and I was beyond pissed that she didn’t. She said she had feelings, but I wanted those feelings to match my own. Dammit, I wanted her to remember me.
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