“I have something to tell you okay? Look at me, Kendra.” I did.
“I didn’t know you before you came to Florida. I knew of you. Our fathers worked together and I’d been told how beautiful you were and what a great wife you’d make. It was perfect for them. Then you had an accident. Your parents knew you’d have amnesia from what the doctors told them so they flew you to Florida via medical transport and I was told that I was to marry you. I went along with it because you were, are beautiful and who wouldn’t want to marry you. I knew I’d have to get you to love me and I’ve tried but it’s not working, for either of us.”
“I’m so sorry, Charlie. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I should love you. You’ve been there for me. Helped me with Aaron, but I just don’t love you like that.” I was openly crying now and so confused.
“I know, Kendra, I’ve known for a long time. I care about you and Aaron and I will marry you because I would be okay being married to my best friend but I have to be honest with you as well.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, suddenly confused.
“Ken, I’m gay and marrying you will allow me to appear as I should be to my family and their friends but I am in love with a man. I tried to deny it to myself and I tried to fall in love but I can’t deny it anymore. Knowing you have a chance at finding real love, I can’t go through with this wedding,” he confessed and sat back on the couch beside me, his head hanging down.
“I’ve always suspected you were gay, Charlie. It’s nice to hear you say it. I will still marry you. I owe you at least that. I love you dearly and know how your family would react. They’re too much like mine, well, except Frankie. She’d love you no matter what.”
“Frankie knows, she’s the one that pushed me to tell you and to force you to see that what we have going on here isn’t okay.”
“It doesn’t matter, Charlie. Regardless of what I feel for Elijah, of what my past may be with him, I am here with you now. I won’t let you fall.” I meant every word I said to him. If it wasn’t for Charlie and Frankie, I don’t know how I would have survived the crushing pressure of my parents for so long. We bonded living under the same pressure and equally loathing it. I knew his parents would disown him and ridicule him if they found out. I couldn’t let that happen, but I needed to know my past as well. Things were getting complicated.
“I have a question, Charlie.”
“I’ll tell you anything I know.”
“Do you know who Aaron’s father is?” I asked, hopefully. His admission confirmed to me what I already knew by looks alone, that he wasn’t the father. If he wasn’t, who was?
“No, not entirely they won’t speak of him. This is what I do know, Kendra. You’re my best friend and we’ve had some good times. I love you enough to tell you that you need to go find him. You know who he is.”
I did know but admitting that wasn’t easy.
“You dream about Elijah Briston. You say things in your sleep that make it obvious that you two were together at some point. Your father has instructed me to remove all their music from the house and to get rid of anything that might draw you to him. He won’t explain why, but it was an order.”
“What the hell is going on, Charlie? Why would he do that?”
“I don’t know but they’ll be in Europe for a while so this is your chance, babe. Go figure out who you are.” He smiled his lovely smile at me.
“What if finding myself leads me away from you, from all of this? How will I explain that to my father? How will that affect you?”
“It doesn’t matter, you have to go. We will figure out the rest when you get back. I will care for Aaron while you’re gone.”
“Why are you doing this for me?”
“I told you, I love you, Kendra. We have had good times together, and we share a commonality most people don’t, rich ass parents who think their shit don’t stink and happened to birth babies who don’t fit into their world, that’s you and me, babe.”
“Is your boyfriend cute?” I asked with a smile and his cheeks flushed with embarrassment.
“Yes, very cute. I think you would like him,” he confessed with a laugh.
“Good, you deserve the best, Charlie. I’m sorry it can’t be me.”
“Me too, Kendra, but you’re the wrong gender, doll.” He laughed and kissed my forehead.
“Just promise me one thing?” He said as he stood to leave.
“What’s that?”
“Come back. Even if you decide you can’t marry me and you want to stay with that rock star guy, come back to say goodbye,” he said. I could see he was fighting the urge to cry. I stood up and hugged him tightly. He returned the embrace and we stood there holding each other for a long time while Elijah’s face was still frozen on the screen.
“Thank you, Charlie. I promise. Take care of my son.”
“Always babe, always.”
We went to the diner that night and for the first time I smiled a real smile because I knew there was hope. There was a chance I wouldn’t have to settle into the boring life that had been promised to me. There was a chance that I might be able to discover who I’d been before I woke up in that hospital room. The next morning we called Aaron at camp and explained that I’d be gone for a while for business and he understood. He’d be at camp most of the time anyway so he wouldn’t have a chance to miss me too much. I kissed Charlie goodbye and left to find my past and my future.
Chapter Eight
Charlie’s sister was my traveling companion and was giddy as all hell to travel like groupies. She’d hated the rich life as much as I did. Over the years, we’d become best friends, and she knew exactly what I was doing on this journey and supported me one hundred percent. We followed Briston to Denver then Seattle, and we both were star struck and in love with the band. Their shows were astounding and took you to a completely different world. The guitars and drums could be felt from my toes to my head, but it was Elijah’s voice that transported me. I was lost in his voice. It stirred things inside me that I didn’t know existed.
It was Portland, Oregon when things changed for me. Something about the place made me wistful and sad but I didn’t know why. I couldn’t remember ever being there. Our room was close to the Rose Garden, where they were playing that night.
“Tonight’s the night, Ken. I feel it,” Frankie said as we got ready for the show.
“The night for what?” I asked laughing.
“I don’t know but I feel something. You know you do too.” She shot me a sideways glance begging me to disagree with her.
“You’re right. I feel something too. Tonight’s the night,” I repeated and rose my hand for a high five. We finished getting ready and slammed back a shot of whiskey. We both coughed and sputtered a little before laughing. In the last ten years, I’d been the good rich girl and a mother. I was having more fun than I could remember ever having. Letting loose and pretending I was young again. I missed Aaron but had to admit to myself that I’d missed being young and crazy.
“You look hot, my friend!” she said. I twirled in front of her. “You sure?”
“Have I ever lied to you?” She hadn’t at least not knowingly.
“No, and thank you. You look pretty awesome yourself,” I told her.
“Yeah, well I try.” I laughed at her before grabbing the room key and shoving it in my small purse.
“Ready?”
“Let’s do this shit!”
We had front row seats to this show, and I had butterflies fluttering around my stomach. The lights went down and the cheers died down in anticipation. The faintest sound of a bass drum began to beat through the stadium and the crowd’s screams grew as the intensity of the beat grew. Then the curtain dropped, and the stadium lit up as Briston began their first song. It began with the heavy drums and electric guitar that played so hard you could feel the music in your bones.
I threw my hands in the air and screamed my own cheers then the music quieted slightly. Elijah’s voice floated t
hrough the Rose Garden, but he wasn’t on stage. Everyone looked around frantically trying to find the man with the voice. There he was, high above us, walking on a catwalk. The place erupted when all eyes found him and the concert kicked into high gear.
The first four songs were high energy rock songs and I imagined people on the outside of the stadium could see the walls pulsating in rhythm. Elsie Briston was the bass player. She was magnetic with long, fiery hair and ivory skin. She was beautiful and when she played she was captivating. She interacted with the other members of the band as though she was one of the boys but she was far from boyish. She was probably the coolest chick I’d ever seen. I wanted badly to know her. She and the electric guitar player made eye contact a few times, flashing equally dazzling smiles. He had dark hair that he flung around as he played and the face of a pretty boy. Dark eyes, high cheekbones, and a megawatt smile. The drummer and the keyboard player were twins with long blond hair and strong faces that matched their well-built bodies. The entire band was composed of beautiful people but none like Elijah.
When he sang, his deep and gritty voice penetrated my soul. He made my heart flutter, and my insides turn to mush. His hair, the color of chestnut hung to his shoulders in soft waves and his crystal blue eyes were like pools of water that I wanted to drown in. His features were strong yet inviting and when he smiled. Well, it was enough to soak the panties of every woman in that stadium. His arms were covered in ink that accented muscles which stretched under his skin. I watched him perform, moving around the stage as though it were an extension of him. The crowd adored him in Portland. All the shows were full of energy and screaming fans but something about Portland was bigger, better. I couldn’t pinpoint what but the feeling was there. The energy was palpable.
About five songs in the lights went out again before one spotlight cut through the darkness to land on Elijah, alone on stage. He sat center stage, just him and his guitar. The screams quieted down when he began to speak, letting the crowd know he was going to perform a new song and asking if they’d like to hear it. Of course applause erupted and he flashed that smile. Jesus, his smile killed me. When he began strumming the strings, I could feel the sadness in the song even before I heard a word. When he began singing though, I lost it.
I felt a sob catch in my throat while he sang the song: “An angel in red, Heaven had other plans, I promised to love you forever” the words wove through my body, wound around my heart and began squeezing painfully. My reaction to the song was surprising. I couldn’t explain what I was feeling, or why, but it was heart breaking. His voice haunting. Then he saw me. His eyes met mine. I thought I was imagining it for a second but he held my gaze for what was probably seconds but felt like minutes. His expression changed and the intensity of the song deepened as he sang “Someday in heaven, you’ll be my wife” and looked straight at me as he said the words, as though I were a ghost.
The song finished, leaving me confused and on the verge of hyperventilating. He stood and waved with a smile before walking off stage. The crowd erupted in applause and cheers as they chanted for them to play more. I was in another world, removed from the noise that shook the floor. I sat down, fearing my legs would refuse to hold me much longer. Frankie sat next to me. “Holy shit, Kendra, he looked right at you. Are you okay?” She said in my ear. Was I okay? I didn’t know. I didn’t think so. That’s why I was there right, to figure out my connection to this unattainable rock star? To find out why he haunted my dreams and looked like my son. This God like man who sang songs that touched my soul but also threatened to pick up my world and shake it up like a snow globe, causing everything I know or remember to come down in chaos. This guy could ruin me or save me.
I looked at my friend, who seemed to be in shock too. She knew of my dreams and my obsession with the band, but I don’t think she ever truly believed there was a real connection. If she didn’t believe before, she did now. “I don’t know if I’m okay, Frankie. It’s like he was singing that for me,” I managed to say before the lights came back on and the concert began in full force again. I stood up and tried to enjoy the rest of the show but my brain was in a different place. It was with him, alone with him. He made eye contact with me several times throughout the rest of the show and every time he did, I saw sadness mixed with hope and maybe a little fear. Towards the end a big burly man came to me and requested I go backstage with him. I looked at Frankie, her eyes wide, telling me she told me so. “Something big is going to happen.” She’d told me, and she was right. “Not without my friend,” I screamed to him over the music. He looked at me, then Frankie, and then glanced on stage to Elijah, who gave a slight nod. Only those who knew what was going on would have caught the nod. “Okay, come on,” he ordered and we followed.
We followed him under the stands through a series of hallways that led us to a room where he told us to wait. The sounds of the electric guitar and thumping of the bass drum had faded and were barely audible. I was nervous and pacing the small room.
“Hey, Kendra. Calm down, sweetie. This is what you’ve been waiting for isn’t it? You get to come face to face with the man in your dreams. Smile.” I appreciated her trying to soothe and encourage me, but it wasn’t helping.
“No, Frankie, I can’t calm down. I never thought I’d actually meet him. Why me? Why am I back here and did you see him look at me during that song. It was like he was singing it to me, for me. What the hell is going on?” I collapsed onto the couch, my legs unable to continue pacing. Frankie sat beside me, her hand on my knee.
“I don’t know, Ken, maybe it’s fate. Maybe it’s finally your turn for some answers. Your turn to find happiness. You walk in there with confidence and get your answers. Okay?” She was sincere when she spoke and I was happy she was there with me. “Plus, maybe I can be a real groupie and hook up with one of his bandmates,” she laughed. “Did you see the drummer? Damn!” She fanned herself and we both laughed. She knew how to lighten the mood. We were both giggling when the door opened and Mr. Big Guy stuck his head in. “Come on.” He demanded.
We both stood to follow his order. Frankie took my hand in hers and offered me a look telling me you got this. I smiled weakly at her in thanks, took a deep breath, and began walking towards a man that could change my entire life, good or bad.
When I saw him there, next to his sister, in an apparently deep conversation my stomach lurched. He was so close. So real. He was no longer this fantasy in my dreams or on my television or floating from my radio. He was there, flesh and bone and more glorious than I could have imagined. He was taller than he looked on stage or TV and his piercing eyes that impaled my heart every time I saw them, now bore a hole through my soul. The contact was broken when the big guard ushered Frankie and me into a room that I assumed was Elijah’s dressing room.
“He’s fucking beautiful, Frankie. I don’t know if I can talk to him. Oh my God, what’s wrong with me?” I was freaking out. A few seconds later he entered the room and stopped abruptly when he saw me.
I squeezed Frankie’s hand and heard her whisper, “You got this.”
“Hi, I’m Elijah Briston,” he said in greeting with a huge smile and extended his hand, and I could tell he was trying to compose himself. Trying to appear confident.
“Hello, I’m Kendra and this is my friend, Frankie,” I returned, my voice shaky.
“Would you mind if we talked privately, Kendra? I’m sure Frankie here would love to hang out with the band.” He looked at her and smiled. She was grinning from ear to ear and shaking her head frantically. So much for my back up, she was star struck. She let go of my hand and sauntered off in the direction of the boys. We were alone. I told myself that I would not act star struck or twitter-patted when I saw him. I needed to get my shit together because so far that wasn’t going as planned. I guessed he could get in my pants pretty easily if I didn’t start to think straight.
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