Chinda stood beside me, the sand under our feet was warm and the sky above us was bright blue. It was early so the sun wasn’t burning hot yet but cast beautiful rays over the water. As the waves rolled in I sprinkled Holly’s ashes in the water. “Goodbye, Holly. I’ll love you forever,” I said as the last ashes fell into the water.
After we spread her ashes, we sat on the beach with my guitar, and I did the last thing I promised her. I sang to her.
Dear Holly:
Life is a fleeting moment
It’s a passage in time
Like the lyric of a song
Or the words of a rhyme
You’re everywhere I look
You’re everywhere I go
I see the beauty you showed me
It sets the world aglow
You showed me how to live
You taught me how to see
I can go on happily with my
Angel watching over me
Please angel watch over me
Angel watch over me
When I met you I was dark
Not knowing how to find the light
But you woke something inside me
You made me want to fight
Though our time was short
You taught me to love again
You’ll always be in my heart
You’ll always be my best friend
Thank you for showing me how to live
For teaching me how to see
I will live happily with my
Angel watching over me
Please angel watch over me
Angel watch over me
Dear Holly, my angel up above
Thank you for loving me
Thank you for showing me love
Thank you for showing me how to live
For teaching me how to see
I will live happily with my
Angel watching over me
Please angel watch over me
Angel watch over me
I finished the song and sat with Chinda in silence until the sun began to set. I felt lighter inside. The grief was subsiding. It was time to move on with my life as Holly wanted me to. “You ready?” I asked Chinda.
“Yes. Let’s go home.”
We walked back to the car hand in hand. We were staying the last night in New Orleans in a hotel. I didn’t want to stay another night in the house without Holly. I knew I’d go back someday and though I felt at peace with her passing I wasn’t ready to be in the house we shared together.
“You okay, Elijah?” Chinda asked, breaking me out of my thoughts. I looked over at her and was so happy to have her there with me. We hadn’t talked a lot since Holly died but she didn’t leave my side.
“Yeah, I’m good.”
“We haven’t really talked about where you’re going now that she’s gone. You know I have to go home tomorrow. I need to get back to Aaron and I would love it if you came with me.” Her voice was soft and slightly shaky. She was nervous asking me. I wondered why. I thought it was obvious that I’d be going with her. Granted, we hadn’t officially talked about it. I just assumed she knew I had no intention of leaving her, ever.
“Of course I’m going with you. I know we haven’t talked about it but I assumed you knew that there was no way I’d ever let you leave me again.” I reached over and grabbed her hand, squeezing gently.
“I love you, Chinda, always have, always will. Thank you for helping me the last few days. I am sure it wasn’t easy for you. It would be hard for me if I was in your place so thank you. We haven’t had much of a chance to talk but trust me, I was so fucking thankful to have you here with me during this.”
“Well, like Holly said, it was fate. I was meant to be here with you and just so you know I don’t plan on living another day without you in my life. I promise not to run again. I understand now. It’s you and me. That’s just the way it is.”
“Hell, yes, that’s the way it is, baby.” I pulled her head to me and kissed the top of it. She giggled, which made me laugh.
“Hey, you haven’t told me where you live.” It occurred to me that since she arrived I hadn’t asked her where she lived, and she hadn’t volunteered the information. It didn’t matter. I would have followed her to the end of the earth, but I had a plane ticket to buy.
“Oh wow, I guess we haven’t talked about that have we?”
“No, we haven’t but I need to get my plane ticket because you’re not getting out of Louisiana without me.”
“Well, hope you’re still fond of Oregon,” she said and looked at me shyly. Her blue eyes sparkling under her dark lashes and the skin on her cheeks turned pink.
“You went back to Oregon?” I asked, surprised. I don’t know where I expected her to go but it wasn’t Oregon.
“Yeah. I bought a little house there. Aaron and I love it. Are you okay with Oregon?”
“Of course. I love it there but after I thought I lost you and my parents moved us, I only went back there alone. It was my connection to you. I love that you went back to Oregon, to your connection to me. What part did you settle in?”
“A little town outside of Portland. It’s a great little town called Carlton. My place is a little on the outside of town but, Elijah, it’s beautiful. I think you’re going to love it,” she said excitedly not knowing she just took my breath away. I pulled into the parking lot of the hotel and killed the engine before turning to look at her. Her eyes met mine with wonder. She is so beautiful it’s hard for me to keep my hands to myself, but I need her to tell me exactly where she bought.
“Babe, where at in Carlton? I mean, what is your address.” She told me and I couldn’t hide the shock or excitement.
“Holy shit, Chinda. I own the house next door to you,” I told her and watched the surprise register on her face.
“What? Seriously? When did you buy in Oregon?”
“Right after my first royalty check. It’s a small cottage tucked in the trees. I go there when the band is on break or when I need to unwind and get my head together.”
“Elijah, it is fate. Holly was right. This is crazy,” she said with a laugh.
“That’s an understatement. It’s meant to be, that’s for damned sure. Come on, let’s get inside.”
The next morning we were on a flight to Portland International Airport. I was on my way to the rest of my life. Finally, I was living again.
Chapter Fifteen
We rented a car when we landed in Portland, and Chinda drove us to Carlton. I was nervous as hell to meet Aaron. I would have given my right nut for a shot of liquor. As much as I wanted something to numb my nerves, I wanted to meet him sober more. I never thought I would be a father but now that I was I wanted to be the best father I could be. Like my own father, God rest his soul. He was a great man. If I could manage to be half as good as he was, then I’d be okay.
“You okay, Elijah?” She asked while I nervously chewed my fingernails.
“Yeah, I’m just nervous,” I admitted with a nervous laugh. She reached over and took my hand, offering me a smile.
“He’s going to love you. I promise. He’s a very sweet boy,” she assured me and I was sure he was. It didn’t calm my nerves though.
We chatted casually to pass the time. It was nice just listening to her talk. We hadn’t had a lot of time to talk since I first saw her at my show. We had a lot of other moments but none that were just talking. It was nice to spend time with her without the other baggage that came along with our reconnecting.
“When do you plan to resume the Briston tour?”
“I don’t know that we will. I’m not so sure the guys want to and Elsie is pregnant. I haven’t seen the guys since Vegas. I’m just not sure where we will go from here,” I admitted to her and felt a twinge of sadness at the thought that I may never play music with my band again.
“I’m sure they don’t want to quit,” she replied trying to sound encouraging. I hoped she was right.
“Maybe,” I shrugged. “B
ut I just got you back and I want to get to know my son, so I’m not looking to go on tour any time soon. If we do decide to go out or at least finish the dates we cancelled I would love for you and Aaron to be there with me.”
“We’d love that too,” she replied. We’d been driving for at least forty five minutes and were getting close. The nerves were calming. I was just really anxious to see him. Her car began to slow, and I pointed out my house before the dirt driveway forked, and she pulled onto her side.
“I still can’t believe you bought a house right next to mine. Fucking fate, baby,” I told her smiling. She looked at me with so much longing that my heart ached.
“Fucking fate is right, Elijah. Soul mates, that’s what you and me are. Here we are.”
“Wow, it’s great, Chinda,” I told her, and she smiled proudly.
“Come on, let’s go see our boy.” She slid out of the car and walked to the door with me right behind her. I stepped through her front door and immediately felt at home. Oregon was always my home base and with my own hideaway next door, I thought it was normal to feel some sort of comfort but when the feeling of familiarity washed over me, I knew I this was where I was supposed to be.
“Dad?” I heard from a quiet voice and I saw him. My boy, so handsome and sweet with hope filling his bright blue eyes that mirrored my own. I recognized myself in him immediately. I couldn’t help the shit eating grin I knew was plastered on my face any more than I could help the tears that were spilling freely.
“Hey, buddy,” I said back, unable to move. I didn’t have to, seconds later he flew into me, the force knocking me back just a little. His arms wrapped around my waist in a hug. I regained my footing quickly and held him back trying like hell to make him feel the love that was bursting from inside me.
“I’m so glad you came. I’ve been waiting for you,” he said quietly and with honesty that was audible in his voice.
“I’ve been waiting for you too, son,” I replied and meant it. I didn’t know I’d been waiting but reflecting back on the last ten years or so I had been lacking something. I always thought it was my need for Chinda and depression over losing her that smothered me but in that moment, with my son, I knew it was more than that. It was the feeling of a family of my own. I needed Chinda all those years, but I also needed my son. I just didn’t know it until I held him in my arms. I looked up at Chinda, who was standing there watching us, crying openly. I smiled at her and held out one arm to her, leaving the other around Aaron. She came to us, wrapping one arm around me and one around Aaron. We stood holding each other, and I knew I was home. I would never let them go.
When we reluctantly broke apart, Aaron showed me around the house. He excitedly showed me his bedroom and his collection of Briston music he’d been hiding from his mom until recently.
“Can you teach me about music, Dad?”
“Of course. I can teach you to play guitar and your aunt Elsie would love to teach you how to play bass I’m sure.” He smiled up at me before pulling my hand to guide me through the rest of the house. I was re-introduced to Frankie, who was sitting in a lawn swing beside Chinda sipping a drink.
“Want a cold soda, Elijah?” Chinda asked with a smile.
“Sure, that would be great,” I replied.
“Come on, son, let’s get your dad and you a drink,” Chinda said, holding her hand out to Aaron. He reluctantly let go of my hand and went with his mother. Frankie stood up and walked over to me. It was obvious that Chinda left us alone for a reason.
“It’s nice to see you again, Elijah,” she said, her hand outstretched. “Thanks for not giving up on our girl here. She may have screwed up by running but she loves you and Aaron, well he loves you too. Seems weird to say that since you’ve just met but he’s talked nonstop about you since Chinda left to find you. That boy is over the moon in love with you. I’m glad you came back. He’s a great kid and she’s a great woman. You’re a lucky man. Please, take care of them. You know my brother loved them too. He was a great father. It didn’t matter that he preferred to love men he loved them too. I just wanted you to know that Aaron has been loved his whole life and deserves to have his father in his life.”
“I met your brother briefly and though I didn’t know him, I can see his greatness reflected in my son. I missed the first ten years of his life and I’ll never get that back but I’m grateful your brother was there for him and for Chinda. It’s obvious he loved them the way they needed to be loved. I am a lucky man to be back with my family and don’t intend on ever letting them go.”
“I like you, Elijah and you might not know this, but you will, my opinion is very important to Kenny. I love that girl like a sister and she will always be a part of my life as will Aaron.”
“I’d have it no other way. Why do you call her Kenny though?” I asked and she laughed.
“I’m sorry, but I’ve known her as Kendra for the past ten years. I’ve always hated that my parents gave me an old man’s name. She knew that and not long after we met she told me to call her Kenny for short so we’d both have a man’s name. She’s fantastic like that, so caring of other people.”
“That she is,” I agreed just before I heard Chinda and Aaron come out the back door.
“You two talking about me?” She asked with a giggle before handing me an iced cold glass of Coke.
“Only good things, baby,” I replied and snaked an arm around her waist pulling her close to me. We sat in the backyard and chatted casually before I offered to show them all my place. Aaron thought it was the coolest thing that I just happened to have a house next door and in that house was a few of my guitars. One of which I gave to him with the promise to teach him. Chinda was standing at the fireplace mantle looking at the photos. I went to stand beside her, resting my hand gently on her lower back while Aaron played on the guitar.
“I can’t believe you have these,” she said softly. On the mantle stood four photographs in matching black frames. One was her high school photo she’d given me when we were dating. One of the two of us together after a football game that Elsie had taken. One of her and Elsie, young and carefree. The last was of the three of us.
“Of course I have them. I told you I never got over you, baby. Over the years, when things got to be too much or the missing you threatened to choke me, I’d come here and reconnect with you. With us. I’ve never brought anyone here before, until now.”
“Not even Elsie?”
“No. It’s been my one safe haven and something I never wanted to share. It’s different now. I don’t have to come here to be close to you so it doesn’t hold the same meaning as it did before.”
She leaned her head into me. “I love that you have these still.”
“I love that I have you. Come on, let’s go into town for dinner. I want to take you and Aaron to this little place I know. Frankie can come too.”
“That sounds nice. Hey, Aaron, come on, son. Let’s go get some dinner.”
“Okay. Dad, can I bring this guitar to our house?” He asked and I loved the sound of our house coming from his mouth.
“Yeah, of course. Come on,” I replied.
We had a nice dinner in town with good conversation and laughter. Aaron was worn out when we finally made it home. When he asked me to tuck him in, I jumped at the chance with excitement. He kissed his mother goodnight before sleepily walking towards his bedroom, me close behind. He crawled under his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle blanket and turned to face me. His eyes were sleepy, but the excitement of the day still danced in them. I sat on the bed beside him.
Never Say Goodbye Page 21