Stay home and watch television
TV gets a pretty bad rap and in my house faces tough competition from video games, newspapers, and real estate websites, but there are some good shows worth watching that might even expand your child’s horizons. Okay, maybe not ‘Banged Up Abroad’. My son loves ‘Mythbusters’, ‘Grand Designs’, and ‘Kings of Restoration’. We’re thinking inventor, architect, or squatter. My daughter instead loves staying in her own room playing with her stuffed animals and singing. Interestingly enough, my son has pointed out that not all singers have a good voice, i.e. Korean boy bands. They just have good hair. The kid does have a point. Still, it’s a good idea that Eliot wants to be a singer or a vet… always good to have a back-up plan.
Grocery shopping
Followed by a stop at the local food court for delicious kimchi fried rice and/or Korean barbecue. Yes, I do realize most of my activities involve eating… blame the children and the ridiculously wide array of choices in Singapore. My kids really do love grocery shopping. And if they’re allowed to pick their own snacks and as many olives as they want, they’re in heaven. Small tip: Eat first unless you want to go home with half the store. Luckily for us, right next to the grocery store there is an amazing food court with excellent Korean food and papaya juice (remember to clearly pronounce the word juice or the grumpy auntie might just hand you a plate of papaya).
Take them to their dad’s office for a surprise visit
What place could be more exotic for your kids to see than their dad’s office? And if it’s in Suntec City, it probably has one of the best views of the city. Since most of his colleagues will be away on the holiday, he won’t mind if you bring the kids and might even suggest it himself. (Unlikely, but stranger things have happened.) If you bring the kids to his office after lunch, you can check out the nearby designer furniture stores. Don’t be misled by the sale signs, they have been up since we first arrived. And finally, remember to accidentally forget at least one of the kids at his office. Both might be pushing it.
Signs you’re at an international school
There’s kayaking for P.E.
What school doesn’t have kayaking for P.E.? Growing up in Italy, I attended a public school where gym consisted of running back and forth in a concrete corridor while the coach barked at us to breathe in and out. The boys were not so lucky, they did push-ups in another room while the coach hit them on the back with a whistle. Ah, those childhood memories…
The kids’ sneakers cost more than your handbag.
And your handbag was an anniversary present. Shoes are not just shoes at an international school. Some trainers (sneakers, runners, whatever) can even be personalized for just an extra (hundred) dollars or two.
Lunchtime looks like a UN convention.
If Alexander and his friends at school sit down together to eat, it’s like having Italy, Iran, Great Britain and the Philippines all represented at the same table. If only the world’s problems could be resolved over a cheese sandwich and a juice box. School is possibly the only place where they don’t mind hearing the question most dreaded by expat kids everywhere: “Where are you from?” Dreaded because most expat kids have no idea where the heck they’re from. “Let’s see, I was born in Kenya, raised in England, and now I live in Singapore.”
Your kid can’t pronounce his best friend’s name.
When your best friend comes from Kazakhstan, it’s going to take you longer to learn his name (spelling might take forever) than to ask him over for a play date. Luckily the term dude is totally acceptable and should tide you over the first few weeks. Now about addressing those birthday invitation envelopes…
Students walk around with water bottles.
Obviously in preparation for the imminent drought nobody thought to warn you about. You really need to start watching the news more often.
Kids only see their grandparents on Skype.
In Italy, kids usually see their grandparents on Sundays around the lunch table. If you go to an international school, it will still be on Sundays but on a computer screen via Skype. Avoid calling them during nap time or they will be grumpy.
Field trips include skiing in the Alps and sailing in New Zealand.
When you were a kid, your school trip was probably to the zoo. Not so at an international school. They take it very seriously. And don’t call them school trips, these are learning expeditions (as such they are mandatory and require expensive gear). As you wander the hallways, ogling the posters advertising skiing in the Alps and trekking in the Himalayas, you wonder: “Where am I? A school or a luxury travel agency?”
On the day back from school holidays, most kids walk around in a jet-lagged stupor.
Most kids at international schools go home for the holidays and home involves travelling through various time zones. Furthermore, parents craftily time the date of the return to coincide with the day before school starts. “It will help them get over jet lag quicker,” they reason, as their child catches a 6:55 am school bus at what feels like the middle of the night. Final result: the school looks like the film set of ‘The Return of the Living Dead’.
The canteen has its own tandoori oven.
Forget the new classmates hailing from all over the world, the science labs, the art studios; what your kids will mostly rave about on the first day of school is the amazing Indian food served at the canteen. Their awe and appreciation of the naan and butter chicken will leave you thinking you should have just sent them to a cafe in Little India for their schooling. It would have been cheaper. You eagerly await the first parent-teacher conference, hoping it coincides with lunch. And when you are invited to give a writing workshop, it’s not so much the students you are looking forward to, it’s the food.
Stuff expats in Singapore like
Starbucks
The expat loves Starbucks. He clings to it like a buoy in rough waters. It doesn’t matter if one coffee costs as much as an entire meal at a food court. Not all expats appreciate their local kopitiam, even though coffee there costs a fraction of that from Starbucks. To be fair, the Carnation milk they add from a tin isn’t doing it any favours.
Chinese tutors
The expat will sell his soul for a Chinese tutor. So, in a way, the Chinese tutor is a currency more valuable than gold. If an expat parent finds a good tutor, you will not hear about it. In fact, he may profess sudden amnesia when asked for the phone number. In a country with so many Chinese, private lessons in Mandarin are surprisingly expensive and difficult to come by. There is no such thing as sharing when it comes to Mandarin… expats are ruthless. They are more likely to share a holiday rental. There are even frauds passing themselves off as tutors on expat discussion boards. Frankly, I can think of easier things to fake than Chinese.
Forcing the kids to speak Mandarin to taxi drivers
Once the tutor has been secured, the next logical step is forcing one’s kids to speak to the taxi driver. For those expats who live in a sort of condo-school-mall enclave, taxi drivers may be their only contact with the outside world. Okay, that’s a bit of an exaggeration. I can think of many others, just give me a minute… the plumber, the pizza guy, pest control. But certainly, taxi drivers are the most consistent and loquacious. The fact that the driver speaks Hokkien, and has no interest in whether your son speaks Mandarin, is not the point. What’s important is that this is a relatively easy and cheap way to gauge your child’s level in Chinese. If the kid is barely understanding Ni hao ma, it is time to change tutors.
Comparing beaches in Malaysia to those in Thailand
They’re all beaches. Wrong. At every expat gathering there will be an unofficial Asian Beach Expert. Some guy who has been everywhere, first as a backpacker staying at hostels and later as a guest at five-star resorts. And yes, he’s seen ‘The Beach’. Twice. He even knows that it was filmed on a different island from the one mentioned in the book. The Asian Beach Expert will usually initiate the debate on whether beaches in Malaysia are better than those in
Thailand. Showing one’s expertise on this topic is, of course, a subtle way of illustrating one’s travel superiority: “You haven’t been to Redang? The scuba diving is divine. Krabi? Can be touristy.” An Italian would never think of turning to another Italian and claiming: “Why are you just hanging out at this cafe? You should be spending your weekend in Liechtenstein instead. What? You haven’t been to Poland? That’s just wrong.”
No doubt one of the biggest advantages of living in Singapore is its proximity to so many amazing places. However, expats can take almost too literally the image of Singapore as a stepping stone to the rest of Asia; they end up spending all their money and time away. Not for me the long lines at customs, the petty bribes at immigration, the nausea-inducing ferries, I choose sitting at an outdoor cafe in Singapore, drinking coffee and reading the weekend edition of the Financial Times.
Organic food
Never mind it costs triple the price of non-organic food, expats want it. Lots of it. Ridiculously over-priced carrots? Not in my cart. In fact, I managed to avoid it, until a neighbour let me taste some corn one day. “Why is it so good?” I asked. “It’s organic.” Damn her.
Buying Cheerios in bulk
Singaporean kids eat porridge for breakfast. Expat kids eat breakfast cereal, even though it’s outrageously expensive here. I have a dear friend who moved to Bangalore, but comes back to visit every few months. She says it’s because she misses Singapore and needs a break from India, but I think it’s because she wants to stock up on Cheerios. I’ve seen her grocery cart. Who am I to judge? Cheerios is one of the reasons I need to get home delivery from the supermarket (and a part-time job). Besides cars, I’d say the cost of Cheerios is as good an index as any for how expensive life in Singapore will be.
Travelling to Bhutan
Being the perfect expat entails travelling to exotic locations. Anybody can go to Thailand or Malaysia. It needs to be more far-flung than that. The more far-flung the place, the more respect the expat will get. Bhutan… hard to get to and expensive? A perfect choice.
Describing yak butter eaten in Nepal
Nothing says cool as eating something on holiday you would never eat in normal circumstances and then describing it afterwards. Farm rats, roasted grasshoppers, balut egg? Do I want salmonella? Not particularly. This is why I travel with Nutella.
Singapore Airlines
If there is one thing locals and expats can agree on, it’s how awesome Singapore Airlines is. The only problem is that all other airlines are forever ruined for you. And, all other airlines are cheaper.
Skiing in Japan
Expats love skiing trips to Japan. Cold, far, and very pricey – what’s not to love? If I sound bitter it’s probably because I don’t ski anymore. The lessons I took as a child were too traumatic. This was before I wore glasses and was therefore unaware that bread had holes in it. I can honestly say trying to ski without glasses rates high on my list of worst childhood experiences ever. Throw in tight-fitting ski boots, freezing fingers and long lines, and you’ve got yourself a party. I do like one thing about skiing holidays… it’s called drinking hot chocolate. Preferably next to a fireplace in a cosy chalet. Now that’s a sport I can embrace.
More stuff expats like
India
All expats rave about India. Well, that’s not entirely true. Indian expats don’t. They’re too busy applying for PR. I guess disenchantment with one’s own country is a fairly widespread phenomenon. I know that I have never met an Italian as enthusiastic about Italy as someone not Italian, whose image of Italy is usually one of a rustic farmhouse surrounded by an olive grove in Tuscany, or of villagers grape-stomping to make wine. Unfortunately, there is no Little Italy in Singapore, but there is a very vibrant and lively Little India. At least Indian expats can experience a taste of home. In fact, my Indian friends tell me it’s easier to maintain traditions, religious celebrations and customs in Singapore’s East Coast than back in New Delhi.
Barbecues
Expats love barbecues, especially here in Singapore. There is something about that unique combination of grilled meat, beer, and the opportunity of eating outside all year round which theoretically makes Singapore a barbecue heaven. I say theoretically because for some unfathomable reason in a country which boasts sudden monsoon-like rainstorms, condo barbecue pit areas are uncovered and vulnerable to the elements. Which is probably why planning a barbecue for your child’s birthday party always feels a bit like playing Russian roulette.
Discussing the humidity factor
Just like in Alaska, where Eskimos have a hundred different words to describe the snow, in Singapore there are many different ways to describe the humidity. All bad. My least favourite type of humidity is the kind that rises up from the asphalt after a huge rainstorm and envelopes you in one big clammy hug. I’m not sure there is an exact term for it but it feels like having your head jammed inside an active clothes dryer… set to permanent press.
Champagne brunches
Sunday is the maid’s day off. It is also the most popular day for expats to eat out. Coincidence? Restaurants and hotels shrewdly offer the exact same meal they offer every other day at twice the price. All they need to do is call it brunch.
Boot camps
Expats are attracted to boot camps. The closest I ever got to joining one was buying a cute exercise outfit. The truth is, I don’t engage in any official workout regime… unless dipping cookies in coffee qualifies.
Montessori schools
Before coming to Singapore, I had no idea the Montessori school method was considered the best in the world. And I was coming from Italy, where it was invented. After three months of Montessori, a few things were obvious: (1) Alexander could pour water from a jug; (2) he enjoyed being the one to serve apple slices; and (3) he could sew buttons. Granted the latter is a skill his mother has yet to master, still his lack of any reading ability was slightly alarming. But it is also true that his best qualities were nurtured in that caring environment and now I fully embrace the Montessori method… but that could be because I have been here awhile and have been totally brainwashed.
Chinese coffee tables
Some expats purchase a few pieces of Asian furniture while they are living here. Others purchase a lot. And then there are those whose houses look like an Asian furniture store. I have never seen a Singaporean’s house with even remotely this much Asian furniture. They generally prefer Italian. I guess nobody is more Asian than an expat in love with Asia. You have to wonder, though, what Asians actually think when they walk into one of these houses. I guess it would be like a Swede walking into a house in Mumbai completely furnished with Ikea.
Watching their kids eat with chopsticks
The expat rarely masters the art of eating with chopsticks. The reason for this is his having mastered the fork. In his imaginary war between chopsticks and forks, the fork wins hands down. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t glow with pride when his child eats with chopsticks. Suddenly, it was all worth it. Moving the family halfway across the world to a foreign land far from family and friends… my child is eating with chopsticks.
Stuff posh expats in Singapore like
Black-and-white houses
A bit of England in the tropics, Singapore’s colonial houses are not easy to get. Which is why posh expats need to have them. These houses are the most elegant relics of Singapore’s colonial past. Commissioned by wealthy expat families seeking comfort in the tropics and built with locally sourced materials, the design relies on Malay architecture, using brick pillars to elevate the house from the ground, allowing cool air to circulate and giving protection against floods. Back then, verandahs and rattan blinds were the only relief from the tropical heat (this was before air con).
Organizing fundraiser galas
Posh expats are either organizing fundraiser galas or attending them. Either way they are spending money, drinking champagne, and dressing up in Shantung silk. And no, that’s not me being bitter because I wasn�
�t invited.
Building houses in Cambodia
Nothing will make you feel guiltier about the weekend you just booked at a resort than hearing your friend is building houses in Cambodia. Yes, building. As in bricks and mortar. You couldn’t just mail a check like the rest of us? Not to mention, some of those villagers can get pretty fussy, requesting wraparound teak decks and Toto toilets… but seriously, how shallow am I to even joke about this? Very. Damn those posh expats.
Bringing their kids to Lapland to see Santa
You may have heard of Lapland. It’s where Santa and his elves live and make toys in their workshop. It’s where the reindeer prance around waiting for their yearly journey to visit children around the world on Christmas Eve. It’s just a short flight away… from Helsinki! As in Helsinki, Finland, a 19-hour journey from Singapore. Super convenient to get to. There are additional car rides through winding roads which need to be factored in, but I didn’t do much research… the price tag was incredibly off-putting. “Kids, the only Santa you’ll be seeing is the one at Tanglin Mall.” No denying it is a once-in-a-lifetime experience (as in you’ll be spending your lifetime savings just the once).
Diary of an Expat in Singapore Page 10