THE END
Start over.
Read “The Morning Fog: A Note from John Luke Robertson.”
1990
“EXCUSE ME, MR. HARRIS.”
The teacher resembles a ruler in khaki pants and a button-down shirt. He sends you a nervous look.
“What if I told you I’m from the future?” You give him a big ole grin. He doesn’t say a word.
“What if I said I was one of your—well, let’s just say, not-so-gifted students? What if I were to tell you that one day in the future, I’d end up becoming—?”
The lights suddenly turn off.
Pitch-black.
Then you see a set of a dozen lights moving toward you like a swarm of fireflies. You suddenly feel your hands being grabbed and placed behind your back. Then you feel the cuffs. You’re led out by two figures on either side of you.
Soon you’re sitting in a chair with a blinding light overhead. Figures in black helmets and black costumes stand around you.
“You breached code 746 in time code appraisal elements,” one of them says.
“I what?” you ask.
“Time travel is not intended to do harm. There is an etiquette that must be observed. Just like there’s etiquette in hunting.”
“What harm was I doing?” you ask. “What ‘etiquette’ was I breaking?”
“Nor is it meant for bragging or boasting.”
You shrug and laugh. “Oh, come on. That teacher tortured me. I was just going to let him know that a former student of his made it big.”
“Do you think he won’t know?” a low voice behind a helmet asks.
Then one of the figures hands you two pills. One is red and the other blue.
You laugh. “Ah, so I get to choose which pill I take?”
The man in black closest to you only shakes his head. “No, you take both.”
“I take both?” you ask. “Really? Won’t that—I don’t know—do something weird?”
He attempts to force the pills into your mouth, but you wave him off and take the pills yourself.
You will never remember any of this again.
But as you find yourself standing in the warehouse with “Oops! . . . I Did It Again” playing on your cell, you have the strangest taste in your mouth.
THE END
Start over.
Read “The Morning Fog: A Note from John Luke Robertson.”
TODAY
OKAY, WAIT A MINUTE . . .
You still have some kind of strange outhouse thing in your warehouse that John Luke and Jase disappeared in.
You still have no idea what’s going on.
And you still have to get Korie a birthday present.
But you’re heading to Duck Diner?
Really?
Come on, man. Give your stomach a break.
Yes, sure, the basketball game you played last night in your church league went into triple overtime. And yes, sure, your ankle’s kind of sore. So you deserve a good meal for lunch. Maybe the meat loaf sandwich.
But there are other things happening. Strange things.
You make it halfway to Duck Diner before realizing you should probably go back and get in that dumb contraption and see what happens.
Yeah. You’ll always have a chance to eat.
But this might be your only chance to see what happens in the magical outhouse.
Do you turn around? Go here.
Do you go ahead and eat anyway? Go here.
1990
“YOU SAID THAT JOHN LUKE got in here first, right?” Jase asks. “Then disappeared?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, there’s a history button over there that shows where this thing has been. I bet we can push it, and it’ll take us to wherever the machine was last.”
“Really? What’s it look like?”
“It’s the big square one that says History Button.”
You want to tell Jase to stop being annoying, but then you realize he might actually be telling the truth. So you press the button.
When the machine lands and the door opens, you realize you are definitely not back home in West Monroe.
“Jase, what have you done?”
That’s when you see a familiar figure running toward you. “We gotta go fast!” he shouts.
It’s John Luke. He darts past you, into the time machine. Behind him is what looks like some of your high school football team.
Hang on a minute. It’s the entire football team. Including your high school self.
You don’t wait. You bolt back through the time machine door and shut it. “Take us home, Jase!”
John Luke is sweating. He’s also got a black eye and a bloody nose.
“What happened?” you ask him.
“You. That’s what happened.”
You’re not sure what he’s talking about (but you’re not sure a lot of the time).
“Who beat you up?”
“You did,” he says. “The younger version of you.”
“Why?”
“Because Mom . . .” He stops.
“What?”
“No, I can’t.”
“What happened?”
“Mom kissed me.”
“This is totally like Back to the Future,” Jase says.
“You shouldn’t have gotten the mullet,” you tell John Luke.
You feel the machine starting to move and swirl around. You grab at the railing.
“We can go somewhere else,” Jase says.
“Home,” both you and John Luke say at the same time.
“It’s giving me two options here. One is ‘Duck,’ and the other is ‘Buck.’”
Do you pick Duck? Go here.
Do you pick Buck? Go here.
Do you decide to override the system and try to enter the current date and West Monroe? Go here.
UNKNOWN YEAR
THE BANGING ON THE DOOR of the outhouse time machine persists. You and Si wait to see if the attackers will give up and go away, but then you hear the door rattling as if someone is trying to get inside. Soon it begins opening on its own.
“They figured it out! What are we gonna do?” you yell to Si.
“I have no idea, Jack!”
You picture the armed men tearing through the doorway with guns blazing. You steady yourself, ready to face them.
Then suddenly Phil walks through the door in his thick beard and camo-patterned bandanna, closely followed by John Luke. They do a double take when they see you, and you rub your clean-shaven face self-consciously.
“Willie, is that you? What on earth happened? What are you two doing in here?” Phil asks, still gaping at you.
“Where are you coming from?” you reply.
“John Luke and I have been checking out Camp Ch-Yo-Ca,” Phil says.
So you must have made it back home. Both you and Si get out of the machine as fast as you can. Phil wants to know why this outhouse is here.
“Don’t ask me, but take my word for it—you should stay out of it.”
He believes you and gives his own beard a nervous tug as if to make sure it’s still there.
You have a question too. “What were you and John Luke doing at the camp?”
“Oh, we’ve been looking into reports of hauntings. Spooky things. Things that go bump in the night.”
The three of you are standing in front of the time machine outhouse when John Luke’s cousin Cole walks over. As he takes in your hairless appearance, his shocked expression matches Phil’s and John Luke’s. This might take some getting used to, but still, you’ve never been so happy to see your family.
“Where’d you come from?” Phil asks Cole.
“Around.”
You’re all standing there talking when Cole decides to rush into the outhouse. His curiosity must have gotten the best of him. Before you know it, the door shuts and the lights start going off.
Then the machine is gone.
You look around at the others. “Uh, guys, what just happened?�
��
“I think Cole stole the time machine,” Uncle Si says.
“I hope he can figure out how to work it better than I could,” you say.
“I think we lost Cole,” John Luke says. “Forever.”
All of you stand around as if the outhouse is going to appear again. As if you’ll have another chance to get inside and find a huge room where you can go to other worlds.
“Maybe we should keep looking at what’s happening around here,” John Luke says.
“Of course,” Phil tells him. “Gentlemen, there’s a mystery to be solved. John Luke and I have important work to do.”
That said, Phil and John Luke head out to return to camp. You and Uncle Si just look at one another.
This is weird.
“Well, Uncle Si, we got a massive order in and gotta get back to work.”
He licks his finger and aims it at your ear.
“That only works when you’re invisible.”
He claps his hands twice as he turns in a circle. “I’m invisible now, right?”
You’re not sure if he’s being funny or not.
With Uncle Si, you never know exactly what he’s saying.
THE END
Start over.
Read “The Morning Fog: A Note from John Luke Robertson.”
TODAY
YOU PULL OUT YOUR PHONE and dial your wife. She always knows what to do. “Hey, Korie—are the guys playing some kind of practical joke on me?”
She’s out of breath after finishing up her yoga workout. “What do you mean?”
“There’s some kind of—well, there’s an outhouse in my warehouse. And it’s got, like, antennas on it.”
“What are you talking about?” Korie asks.
“I’m not sure. That’s why I’m calling you.”
“I don’t know anything about it.”
You think for a moment about mentioning how John Luke and Jase disappeared, but then decide against it. You’ll keep that to yourself. You know, just in case something actually did happen to them.
There’s always your brother Jep to blame.
“Okay, well, if you hear anything, text or call me, okay?” you say.
“Shouldn’t you be shopping?”
You laugh. “What for? Anything special going on?”
“John Luke told me that’s what he was doing over lunch.”
“Yeah, well . . .”
“What?” Korie asks.
“Oh, nothing. We’re just—well, I can’t say.”
“Don’t be planning anything big, okay?”
I’m hoping to find our son.
“Okay. I won’t. I promise. Love ya.”
Just as you hang up with Korie, you see Uncle Si sauntering down the hallway.
“Si,” you call out. “What’s this all about?”
“That thing right there is a time machine if I ever saw one.”
“What?”
“Yeah,” he says. “Got a control panel and antennas. ‘Beam me up, Scotty.’”
“Who put it here?”
“Martians. Or maybe it’s Bruce Willis.”
“Seriously, Si.”
He examines the door and the duck-shaped opening in the front.
“You didn’t see any butterflies come out, did you?”
“Nope.”
“’Cause you know, if you kill one butterfly during time travel, you can end all humanity as we know it.”
Uncle Si, as usual, is full of “interesting” facts. You have no idea where he comes up with this stuff.
“Si—did you learn that in ’Nam?” you ask. “Considering I haven’t stepped foot in the thing yet, I think we’ll be okay.”
He presses the button to open the door and steps inside. “Look at that. Hey—maybe it’ll be like Phil & Ed’s Awesome Adventure.”
“I think you’re talking about Bill and Ted. And it’s excellent, not awesome.”
“Excellent, awesome, that’s what’s gonna happen when I travel in time.”
Before you can try to hold the door open, it shuts with Si still in there.
The lights flash—this time they’re pink and yellow—and a whirring engine sound fills your ears. Then it stops.
The door opens. And, yep. Just like the last two times . . .
No Si.
“This is ridiculous.”
You circle the outhouse for about the tenth time.
Hopefully whoever is doing this and filming it is having a good ole time. You look up to the ceiling and wave in case the camera’s up there.
“Hey, y’all. Hope you’re having fun time traveling.”
You stand by the door of the outhouse. Are you ready to step inside and close the door?
If you’re finally brave enough to get in the outhouse, go here.
If you’re still a sissy and think it’s a setup, then really . . . why don’t you take your blanket and go to bed? Or maybe just go here.
1990
THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE when you step out the door is a row of old lockers. But not any old lockers. These are the ones they got rid of five years after you graduated.
Hold on there.
Yeah, that’s right. You’re walking into your old school, West Monroe High, which looks the way it did when you graduated. The way it did in, oh, let’s say around 1990.
You stop for a second. Music is playing from the gym that’s just down the hallway. You turn and see the outhouse standing just like it was in your warehouse. This is clearly not some elaborate prank your brothers are playing on you after all. This is real. You are really here at West Monroe High School.
A group of girls passes you by, and it’s obvious that either this really is 1990 or you’re at the best Halloween high school dance ever. The girls have poufy hair that surely took cans of hair spray to put up. Their dresses are bright with shoulder pads that are as big as their hairdos.
The year 1990 was like an eighties child having an identity crisis. Everything still felt so eighties, yet it was a whole new decade.
You follow them toward the gym and hear a song playing.
“‘Never gonna give you up,’” the voice sings.
I’ve just been rickrolled.
Of course, back then, Rick Astley was just a singer. The Internet wasn’t even around. There wasn’t a YouTube full of videos to rickroll in the first place.
You check your phone, but naturally it doesn’t have a signal. It would be fun to text Korie from 1990.
Guess where I am, Korie! Want me to get something out of your locker? Wonder if I can bring something back with me. Maybe it can be your birthday present!
Yeah, you remember that you still have to get it. Maybe you can go out and buy something that would normally cost hundreds of dollars. Now, in the year 1990, it may cost only a fraction of that. Think of the savings!
What about hitting up the local toy store for some action figures and other collectibles?
You’ve already got a big collection of toys, many that you bought back from your kids after they received them for Christmas or their birthdays. They’re still in the original boxes and are worth something. Maybe you could head to the local Walmart and buy a bunch of G.I. Joes or Cabbage Patch dolls or whatever’s the latest craze now.
Wait a minute . . . I’m supposed to be finding John Luke here. Not adding to my toy collection.
As you near the entrance to the gymnasium, you see a group of guys you remember well. The Billowby brothers, Henry and Ralph, standing there with a couple of other kids.
The Billowby brothers were the bullies of West Monroe High. Henry was in your class and Ralph a year behind him. They still look smug with their thick, wavy hair and the leather jackets they wore everywhere, even to high school dances. The two other guys they’re with are in tuxedos.
This isn’t just any dance. It must be prom.
You’ve gone back in time to your high school prom.
This is crazy.
But what’s even crazier is that you want
to stop and have a nice little chat with the Billowby brothers. You can still remember Henry beating up your best friend on this night. You’d already taken Korie home, so everything happened after you left the dance.
The big incident everybody still talks about to this day.
You have an idea. . . .
Do you stop to have a little “chat” with Henry Billowby and his gang? Go here.
Do you decide your idea isn’t very smart and you should find John Luke and figure out how to get back home? Go here.
TODAY
THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANT—to get you inside this thing. Maybe they want to lock you up in there. Maybe they’ll fill it with something once you’re stuck and can’t escape.
A fire hose through the duck-shaped opening in the door . . .
A swarm of nasty bugs that will get all over me . . .
A fart bomb that will make me pass out.
Oh no. You’re staying put.
You’re going to stand out here and wait.
John Luke is surely part of the prank. And you have to give it to them—it’s a good one.
So you wait.
Ten minutes later, you hear the shuffling of feet. You see the familiar cap belonging to your older brother Jase.
“A-plus job,” you tell him.
He just walks up to you while staring at the outhouse.
“That is the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen,” he says.
“So where’d you guys get it?”
Jase gives you an innocent look. The thing with your brother—the difference between him and John Luke—is that he has a great poker face. But you know he’s lying. He has to be. He’s gotta be the one up to this.
“I’ve never seen this.”
“Sure you have,” you say.
“I swear. I’ve never seen it. This has to be the ugliest outhouse I’ve ever laid eyes on.”
“John Luke just got inside.”
“He’s in there?” Jase asks.
“No. He disappeared. Like a magic trick.”
Willie's Redneck Time Machine Page 3