“Maggie, I have a favour to ask.”
Marcio was sitting at the tiny dining table with his de-facto mother-in-law.
“I have to go to Bristol for work, and it will mean being away overnight. I tried to explain that I’m on paternity leave, but it’s too good an offer to turn down. Is there any chance you could stay on a couple more days, just until I get back?”
Maggie had been with Helen and Marcio for a fortnight, and was starting to think she had outstayed her welcome and should return to Devon. She knew her husband was coping fine, though, and probably enjoying the peace and quiet.
“Two more days with my darling grandchildren? Hmmm now let me think about that for half a second. Um. Yes of course.”
“Maggie, you’re a star.” Marcio reached over the breakfast table and gave her a kiss on the cheek.
Heading across the hall to where Helen was curled up in bed asleep, with both babies amazingly snoozing in their baskets, Marcio stood for a while gazing on his family.
As he lent against the door frame, Marcio felt his whole being fill with light. He was tired from the broken nights, and frustrated that Helen was suffering so much, but there was no doubt in him that this was exactly where he wanted to be. It shocked him sometimes, when he realised that he and Helen had only known each other a few months. Watching her now, her face peaceful in sleep, he felt he might burst from the love within him.
A thought creased his brow. At least we haven’t heard any more from Daniel. I know he’s Jaz and Jay’s biological dad, but what a tosser he is. As if a hamper of designer baby-grows and expensive toys could make up for trying to have them terminated at six weeks.
That was the only fly in the ointment of Marcio’s happiness. Daniel seemed to have an ability to flaunt his money, his superior ability to provide for the twins, even without being in the room. Marcio could only hope that when his book was released in the spring it would magically become a bestseller and earn him some cash. Until then he had set another plan in motion to ensure they were cared for. He wasn’t sure Helen would approve, and so didn’t want to tell her until it was a done deal. He hated the thought of lying to her, so would need to pick his words with care.
Helen seemed to feel his gaze on her because before long she stretched and opened her eyes.
“Hey, beautiful, would you like some breakfast?”
“Mmmm yes please. I’ll get up, just give me a minute.”
“No you won’t, you’ll tell me what you want and I will bring it to you.” Marcio crossed the room and perched on the edge of the bed.
“I could get used to having you around to be my slave,” she smiled, toying between staying under the duvet and moving to give Marcio a cuddle.
“Ah, I have to talk to you about that.”
“Oh, am I not going to like it?” Helen pulled herself cautiously upright.
“No, it’s fine, well I hope it is anyway. I have to go to Bristol, that’s all, an overnighter.”
“That’s all?” Helen felt a stab of terror course through her at the idea of being by herself overnight.
“Why do you have to go to Bristol? What assignment?” Her voice rose in fear. She knew her mother was planning on leaving in the morning.
“Don’t worry, I’ve asked your mother to stay until the weekend. You’ll be fine.”
“What are we going to do when she’s gone home though?” Helen felt her eyes well up again.
Marcio reached over and pulled Helen into a hug, stroking her hair and murmuring into her ear.
“Darling, it will be fine. You’ll be fine. You’re exhausted, that’s all. As the mites get bigger, they’ll feed less often and you’ll be able to get some sleep. You’re doing brilliantly.”
Helen held Marcio tightly and tried to stem her tears. “I’m so sorry, you’re amazing. How would I have done this without you?”
“You would have been great.” Marcio sat back and held Helen by the arms, looking into her red eyes, wanting to take her pain away. He felt awful for leaving her, but he had no choice.
“Your mother’s here, the health visitor will be here again in a couple of days. I think some of the baby group are threatening to drop by too, if you can cope. I’ll be back on Friday.”
“Okay,” she said, her voice small.
“I won’t go if you don’t want me to.”
That roused Helen to pull herself together, at least for Marcio’s sake.
“No, you go; you need to get out the house. A good night’s sleep while you’re away will be just what the doctor ordered!”
She looked into his face; he was as tired and drawn as she was. As well as getting up in the night to change nappies, Marcio was still taking on as many assignments as he could. They couldn’t afford to turn down work, not if they wanted to keep a roof over their heads.
Marcio leaned forwards and gave Helen a lingering kiss, stroking her cheek and wiping away tears with his thumb. She lay back on the bed and pulled him into a cuddle, enjoying the stillness and warmth.
Marcio wrapped his arms around her and whispered into her hair “I love you so much Ms Morley.”
Something in his voice made Helen wonder what else he was going to say. She lay for a few minutes enjoying the embrace. When she looked at his face she saw he had fallen asleep.
Kissing him gently, she crept out from underneath him and propped him up with a pillow.
“Sleep, my hero, sleep,” she whispered, and stole from the room to get showered and dressed.
Chapter Thirteen
Why won’t he look at me? Helen felt a chill spread through her body as Marcio waved goodbye to her through the window without meeting her eyes. He must feel bad for leaving me alone. So he should! Her own guilt at her nasty thoughts made her face hot. She knew it was Marcio’s wages paying for her to stay home looking after the twins. Still, it seemed too soon for him to be going away overnight.
Helen decided to curl up in the armchair to check her emails quickly before one of the twins woke up demanding food. There were several messages from her baby group, asking if she was up to visitors. She sent a reply to them all, saying that Marcio was away, and if they wanted to pop over for half an hour that afternoon or the following day that would be fine, as long as they didn’t mind if she turfed them out fairly quickly.
It was soon agreed that they would come by mid-afternoon, once the twins had their feed, in the hope that at least one of them would last half an hour without needing more nourishment.
Maggie offered to pop out to buy some fresh coffee and cakes.
“Every baby group needs cake, that’s what makes having kids worthwhile. Believe me, you will eat a lot of cake before they’re five.”
With that she let herself out the apartment.
As the door clicked shut Helen realised it was the first time she had been alone with the twins. Fighting down the urge to run after her mother and call her back, she went into the kitchen to put the kettle on.
“You’re being daft, Helen Morley. Women give birth all around the world, every minute of every day. Mothers raise their children without running water, alone in the wilderness. I’m sure you can survive an hour by yourself. What’s the worst that can happen?”
As she watched the steam rising from the kettle, Helen knew exactly what the worst was. It occupied her every waking thought. One of them might die. That was the worst that could happen. As the thought reappeared in the front of her mind, she abandoned the tea and walked swiftly to the lounge where the twins were asleep in their baskets. They both lay on their backs, arms up by their heads. She hovered, inches away, watching for the rise and fall of their tiny chests that would reassure her temporarily that they were still breathing. As her pulse calmed, Helen admonished herself for being foolish and returned to the kitchen to make tea.
The sound of the doorbell startled Helen from a fitful doze. Shaking the sleep from her mind she wondered if her mother had forgotten her key, or if one of the baby group were early. She crept out the r
oom and into the hallway, thankful the doorbell hadn’t woken either of the babies.
Stopping to peer through the ancient eye-hole, Helen felt her heart plummet. Daniel was on the doorstep, dressed in his workday suit. He looked cold and irritated, as if he’d been kept waiting.
Bugger. Helen wondered whether to open the door. His timing couldn’t be worse; she really didn’t want to see him alone, but she had no idea how long her mother was going to be and the baby group were going to be there before long. She most definitely didn’t want him coming back then.
Shrugging off her nerves, she began unlocking the flat door, trying to convince herself she was doing the right thing.
He has to be faced sometime. Probably best if Marcio and Mum aren’t here, there will be less tension. It isn’t fair on the babies for them to sense the animosity.
Maggie hadn’t seen Daniel since before Helen announced she was pregnant. Given the strength of her response at the time, Helen thought it best if it remained that way.
Therefore even before she had greeted Daniel on the doorstep, her first words were, “Mum’s just gone out, I think it best you’re gone before she gets back, don’t you?”
“Hello, Helen.” He looked like he might say something sarcastic, but instead he said warmly, “You look amazing.”
He made to kiss her cheek, but she turned and walked back into the flat.
Forced to follow her, he said “You make it sound like I’m here on some illicit assignation. I’ve come to see my children; that’s all. You said you would tell me when they were born.” His voice was level, but Helen sensed the peevishness he was trying to conceal.
“Yes, and I would have done had Karen not beaten me to it.” She paused in the hallway, not sure where to go, with the children asleep in the lounge, and nowhere to sit in the kitchen.
“You got the flowers then.” Daniel paused, waiting for Helen to go into the room.
“Yes.”
Her voice sounded distracted, preoccupied. If Daniel had been expecting thanks, he was to be disappointed.
Making up her mind, she turned to Daniel and hissed “The twins are asleep, please don’t wake them.” With that, she walked through the kitchen into the lounge, where the moses baskets were both set up near the window to catch the few rays that came in. They had both suffered slightly from jaundice at birth and the midwife said sunlight was good for them. Looking back, she realised Daniel had stopped to look at the babies, so she returned to stand near him, protectively hovering as if he might harm them.
In the two weeks since they’d arrived they had filled out, their faces no longer scrunched and red. They looked angelic, sleeping on their backs, arms twitching as if conducting invisible orchestras.
Helen glanced surreptitiously at Daniel as he looked at his son and daughter for the first time. His expression was hard to fathom. The main emotion seemed to be relief, almost a sense of victory. She couldn’t figure out why, and guessed she must be imagining things. She never had been able to read him in the way she could with Marcio.
Daniel turned to look up at Helen with a face full of tenderness and love. He gestured for her to go to the back of the room where the sofas were, so they could speak without disturbing the twins.
Irritated that Daniel was directing her movements in her own flat, Helen nevertheless went and perched on one of the sofas, praying that Daniel would choose to sit on the second one. Instead he sat close to her, on the pretext of needing to talk quietly.
“They’re amazing,” he whispered. “I can’t believe I was such an idiot to think I didn’t want this.” He nodded in the direction of the baskets up on the table. Helen merely frowned and gazed at the fireplace.
“You can’t begin to imagine how much I regret the way things turned out. We should be married by now; they should be in our house, with the best nanny available to care for them.”
Helen whipped her head back round to face Daniel, her cheeks flushed.
“They don’t need a nanny, they have me.” Her voice was razor sharp despite the hushed tone.
“I didn’t mean to offend you.” His voice was unsure, nervous, willing her to believe his good intentions.
“Of course you will care for them to the best of your ability.”
He glanced at the tatty sofas, the unpacked boxes, the tiny pine table where the second-hand moses baskets just fitted, and his silence spoke volumes.
Helen could tell he was drawing parallels with his own luxurious immaculate apartment. All Helen could think about was the conversation they had when they were last there together.
Daniel seemed oblivious to her mood. “I will help. I can see you and Marcio aren’t flush. I will make sure they have everything they need; you just need to ask. I’ll get them enrolled at Kings Edward, when the time comes, make sure they have the best start in life. It’s the least I can do, to make amends.”
Helen stared at him. What planet is he living on? She couldn’t believe his audacity.
Eventually even he became aware of the animosity coming from her in waves and turned to face her, one eyebrow raised.
“You don’t want the best for them?” he asked with disarming simplicity.
How could she respond to that? Of course she wanted everything that would contribute to the twin’s happiness. Was that necessarily things that could be bought? She didn’t think so. At the same time, the way Daniel worded his question, it seemed like she would deny the twins comfort or opportunity out of sheer spite. He made her feel like the villain.
Helen felt the tears prick her eyes. It hurt to think. She didn’t know what to do for the best. Of course Daniel’s money would make things easier, help pay for some help for her when Marcio was away, or get them a top-of-the-range buggy. It felt wrong though, in a way she couldn’t put her finger on. Of course Daniel should contribute towards the raising of children he fathered, but what role did that then confer on him? Marcio was their father now.
It was with supreme gratitude that she heard a key in the lock, and her mother’s footsteps in the hallway.
Daniel turned as Maggie put her head round the lounge door to see if the twins were still sleeping. She started slightly as she saw him sitting casually on the sofa. He made no move to get up, rather just looked impassively at Maggie as if willing her to make a scene.
Helen held her breath. Her mother wouldn’t want to wake the twins, but Helen was unsure whether she would be able to control her temper.
However, it seemed Maggie had foreseen that she might cross paths with Daniel at some point, because she merely nodded at him, before calmly returning to the kitchen to put the shopping in the cupboards.
As if sensing he would make no further progress today, eventually Daniel said “I’d better go.” He rose from the sofa and waited for Helen to see him to the door.
As they crossed through the kitchen Daniel said goodbye to Maggie who didn’t turn away from her place at the stove. Shrugging, Daniel followed Helen back towards the front door.
Once they were in the hallway, away from Maggie’s prying ears, he said quietly “Can I come again please?”
Helen marvelled at the humility in his voice. She had to say this much, he seemed to both sincerely want to see his children, and also to respect her right to say when and where.
“Yes. Please give me notice next time and we can arrange for you to visit when they are awake.”
“Of course, I should have rung first. I wasn’t sure if you would let me come, that was all.”
Helen looked into his face, trying to understand this new Daniel, brimming with nervousness, tenderness, respect. It wasn’t the Daniel she knew and she felt wrong-footed by it. It was difficult to maintain her resentment in the face of his passive affection for both her and the twins.
He seemed to hesitate, as if he wanted to kiss her goodbye but was mindful of her previous reaction. He settled for holding out his hand. Helen found herself shaking it without knowing why, and was furious that his proximity seemed to stil
l have some effect on her. She was relieved when the door shut behind him.
The squeaks and groans of the train exacerbated Marcio’s growing headache. Rubbing at his temples, he glared at his reflection in the window, as if looking for answers.
What have I done?
He thought back to the time he had spent with Susan. It had seemed so exciting and he had been swept along by her passion, but now, with distance, he felt dreadful.
I should tell Helen, I know I should.
The face in the glass stared blankly back at him. He didn’t know how to tell her, it felt like such a betrayal. Helen would see it that way, certainly. Besides, when he thought about it, what was there to tell? Time enough for confessions when the need arose.
Chapter Fourteen
Helen closed the door on the last of her baby-group friends and lent her shoulders against the door, relief and exhaustion making even the short walk to the lounge seem too long a journey. She hadn’t realised how tiring it could be just talking. The words wouldn’t always come, and she had found herself fighting tears when James and Jasmine both began to cry at the same time.
The girls had been brilliant, cuddling the little ones to their giant bumps, each a little teary themselves at what was to come for them. Knowing that they were also scared, Helen had put on a brave face, assuring them the labour was fine, and that the twins slept loads and fed well.
No point worrying them now, it’s too late to do anything but rest, she thought to herself. It felt strange, being separated from them all by virtue of the fact that her babies were on the outside. She had thought it would be comforting, having her antenatal group around her, but her overwhelming emotion was one of loneliness.
It must just be the hormones, the lack of sleep. When they all have their babies we’ll be a riotous chaotic marvellous group. I just have to be patient and hold it all together.
Eventually she and her mother managed to rock both babies to sleep. Maggie curled up with a book, and Helen took the opportunity to lie down in bed. Picking up her phone, she wondered what Marcio was doing. She hadn’t heard from him since he left that morning.
Baby Blues and Wedding Shoes Page 29