by Steven Adams
Scots College did a lot for me and in return I gave them a pretty good poster boy. Stuff / Dominion Post
Kenny and me, a team from the very beginning. Kenny McFadden collection
I spent more time with my Wellington teammates than anyone else. When we weren’t working on the court we were working off it to fundraise for our tournaments. Webb family collection
Mohi’s farm has always been my favorite place to relax, as much as it makes the Thunder management nervous. Adams family collection
Being in the Wellington Saints was my first experience playing against grown men who could push me around. Hagen Hopkins / Getty Images
Working hard at Pitt. My toughest year of basketball to date. Fred Vuich / Sports Illustrated / Getty Images
L–R: Kenny, Sid, me, and Mohi having a pre-draft breakfast and feeling suffocated in our shirts and ties. Adams family collection
Scrubbing up nice for the draft and always repping New Zealand hard. My head was too big for that hat. Jesse D. Garrabrant / NBAE via Getty Images
One of the first Steven Adams camps. They get bigger and bigger every year. Hagen Hopkins / Getty Images
In my rookie year I spent most of my time trying to do exactly what the coaches had told me to do and nothing else besides block shots. Greg Nelson / Sports Illustrated / Getty Images
It was an honor every single time I got to step onto the court with Tim Duncan. And it was an honor every single ti me he slapped me in the face while I tried to dunk. Layne Murdoch Jr. / NBAE via Getty Images
I love visiting these ladies at home and beating them at their own game. Zach Beeker / NBAE via Getty Images
Ain’t nothing wrong with a bunch of tissue stuffed up your nose if it means you can get back out on the court. John W. McDonough / Sports Illustrated / Getty Images
We had planned to win the championship in 2016 with this team, but things don’t often go to plan. Greg Nelson / Sports Illustrated / Getty Images
This is probably the closest I got to a Tom Selleck mustache, which is more satisfying than the dunk. Layne Murdoch / NBAE via Getty Images
I’ve changed a bit in five years and learned a lot. Still haven’t learned how to smile properly though. Layne Murdoch / NBAE via Getty Images, except top right Richard Rowe / NBAE via Getty Images
GLOSSARY
AIR BALL—A shot that doesn’t even hit the rim or backboard. Air balls are usually followed by a deep sense of shame.
ALLEY-OOP—When a player throws the ball towards the basket for their teammate, who catches the ball midair and scores, usually with a dunk. It’s pretty cool.
AND-ONE—The free throw awarded to a shooter who is fouled while scoring.
ARC—The three-point line. Somewhere I generally try to avoid.
ASSIST—A pass to a teammate who scores a basket immediately or after one dribble.
BIG/BIG MAN—A man who is big and plays basketball.
BLOCK OUT/BOX OUT—Making sure your opponent doesn’t get a rebound by pushing them away with your bum.
BOTS—Comes from the Samoan word “fiapoto,” meaning someone who tries to be smart but fails.
BOUGIE—Trying to be fancy but failing.
CENTRE (U.S.: CENTER)—The biggest big man. A center’s job is to control the area under the basket and get rebounds.
COURT—Lorde wrote a song about a tennis court. Now imagine basketball hoops at either end. That’s pretty much a basketball court.
CUTTER—Someone who is cutting, which is running towards the hoop and looking for a pass. My job on defense is to bump the cutters when they pass by me because I guard the hoop and no one’s allowed near it.
DOUBLE-DOUBLE—Gaining double-digit figures in two positive statistical categories (e.g., 12 points, 14 rebounds).
DRIBBLE—When saliva rolls down your chin. Also, bouncing the ball.
DUNK—You don’t know what a dunk is? Just ask anyone on the street and they’ll demonstrate with whatever they’re holding and a rubbish bin.
FADEAWAY—A fadeaway is a shot taken while jumping backwards, away from the basket, but still facing it. YouTube “Dirk Nowitzki fadeaway” to see the greatest fadeaway in history.
FAST BREAK—A quick basket scored through swift ball movement down the court after a defensive rebound and before the other team has set up their defense.
FLOATER—A shot with a high arc. If the ball looks like it’s gone abnormally high on its way to the net, it’s a good floater.
FORWARD—One of the three standard player positions, forwards are mainly responsible for scoring and rebounding. See power forward and small forward.
FOUL—There are so many ways to foul someone in basketball, both on offense and on defense. Some contact is illegal and a foul while other contact is legal and fine. It’s impossible to explain but if you get called for a foul, that’s bad.
FOUL OUT—The personal limit in the NBA is six fouls. Foul six times and you’re out for the rest of the game.
FOUR MAN—Someone who is strong enough to play in the post if needed but is versatile enough to act as a guard, too. A four man can do everything.
FREE THROW—A free shot given to a player when they’re fouled while shooting. For technical fouls one free throw is awarded and for flagrant fouls you get two.
GUARD—The smaller guys in a team who start the plays out by the three-point line and shoot more three-pointers.
HOOK SHOT—Classic shot used by most big men, because the shot is released sideways with a nearly fully extended arm, which makes it hard to block.
HOPS—Having a good vertical jump. If you can’t jump, you don’t have bad hops, you have no hops.
HORI—Being a bit rugged. You can’t just call anyone hori though, you’re only allowed to say it about people you actually like, and who like you. Some people say it disrespectfully, I just say it to my brothers.
IN THE BONUS—When you’ve fouled too many times and now your opponent gets “bonus” free throws for every new foul.
INBOUND (pass)—Passing the ball IN from out-of-BOUNDS, hence INBOUND.
JUMP SHOT—Surely you figured this out by looking at the words “jump” and “shot”?
KEY—The painted circle and lines by the hoop that, funnily enough, look a little like a keyhole.
LAYUP—The simplest way to score points and yet the hardest to explain. It’s when a player dribbles towards the hoop and scores a basket while still in motion, usually in fast breaks. Seriously, it’s really hard to explain.
LOW-POST AREA—The area closest to the basket.
PAINT—The key.
PERIMETER—Has a few different meanings but most people know it as the three-point line.
PICK-AND-ROLL—Setting a screen (pick) then turning (rolling) to block the defender more while you cut to the basket for a pass.
POINT GUARD—Usually the shortest player on the court. Runs the plays and argues with the refs a lot.
POST—The area on court closest to the basket.
POST UP—Setting up with your back to the hoop.
POSTERIZE—Dunking on someone so bad a photo of it could be used on a poster.
POWER FORWARD—A big guy who’s not as tall as a center.
PUTBACK—When you “put” the ball “back” into the hoop after rebounding.
REBOUND/REBOUNDING—Gaining possession after the ball—wait for it—rebounds off the basket.
ROOKIE—In the NBA, a player in their first season. In life, someone who’s just done something dumb.
SCREEN/SET A SCREEN—Establish a stationary position to act as a block for your teammate to use to get rid of their defender. If you’re a guy, cover your nuts when setting a screen because someone will probably be running right into you.
SEAL—To establish a good position by “sealing” your defender and keeping them behind you.
SMALL BALL/SMALL GAME—A style of play that favors use of smaller players for their speed, agility, and increased scoring (often from the three-point line).
TECHNICAL FOUL—A foul for unsportsmanlike non-contact behavior, which is usually complaining to a ref or taunting your opponent.
TIP-OFF—The start of the game.
TRANSITION—The short time after the defending team gets a rebound but before a play is set up. Good transition means quick ball movement down the court and fast break layups.
TRAVEL—When you take too many steps without dribbling, you get called for a travel then run back down the court and think very hard about what you just did.
TRIPLE-DOUBLE—Double-digit figures in three positive statistical categories (e.g. 12 points, 14 rebounds, 10 assists).
CO-AUTHOR’S NOTE
I first met Steven, predictably, at a basketball training held by Kenny McFadden early in 2009. Steven was a center and I was a point guard, yet he outperformed me in all the ball-handling drills. Over the next five years I watched as Steven went from strength to strength and the world was able to see the brilliance I’d seen in that cold Wellington gym so many times.
When Steven found out I was a writer in 2016, he asked me if I’d ever written a book. I answered no, but that I thought I could. And that was enough for him. We were suddenly co-authors and I was given a front-row seat to his current life and to his memories. Thank you to Steven and the team at Penguin Random House for allowing me to help tell this incredible story. Thank you to all of Steven’s family and friends who donated their memories and thoughts to this project, it wouldn’t have worked without you. Thank you to Samuel Marsden Collegiate for giving me a space to write. Thank you to Top House and Bottom House for the laughter at home. And thank you to all the Guilty Denvers at The Spinoff for the laughter at work. A special thank you to Toby Manhire for making every chapter better.
To my siblings—Edwin, Jerome, Rosemarie, Victoria, Leone, Bernard, Christel, Kenneth, and Temara—thank you for always providing plenty of writing fodder and harsh critiques of my jokes. To my dad, thank you for encouraging my love of sport, particularly basketball. And to my mum the biggest thanks, for being the greatest fighter I know. This one’s for you.
Madeleine Chapman
May 2018
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