She inhaled deep and then blew out slowly. “I thought I did. But after tonight . . . I don’t know what to think anymore.”
He nodded. “It won’t work if even one of us doesn’t want it. Or if we’re not both willing to try.”
“If we have to want to try at this point, is it worth it?”
“I can’t answer that question for you, Becca.”
“Is it worth it to you?”
“I love you. I know that.”
“And I love you. Yet we both just kissed other people, Brian.” She sighed. Then thought of the other thing she’d been looking forward to. Might as well figure out where they were before they made any decisions. She met his eyes. “Did you buy me a ring for Christmas?”
He looked shocked at her question and turned his face away.
“Did you?” Right now, she wasn’t sure if the panic she felt was fear or the hope for relief.
Finally, he met her eyes once more. “No.”
She sucked in a breath. She’d been so damn sure of it. Clearly, she was clueless about who and what they were to each other.
“I thought about it. I keep thinking about it. But no, I have not bought you a ring.”
Becca smiled, her lips pressed tight, then shrugged. “Well, there you go. I think that tells us both a lot.”
“We’ve had some issues lately, Becca. Don’t deny that.”
“Doesn’t every relationship?”
“Sure, but I know you’ve felt the space between us. And I’ve always had this feeling inside that you had some kind of hang-up with this Jase guy. I tried to tell myself it was nothing. A crush from your past and I was imagining that it was anything more. But obviously, my gut instinct was right. He’s always been a problem between us.”
“No, I’ve been between us. It was my issue. It’s not his fault.”
“Well, it sounds like maybe it’s starting to be. And does it really matter whose fault it is? You’re hung up on him, and now he kissed you.”
“Only because Hannah had just gotten engaged.”
Brian’s eyes narrowed in confusion, then he let out a bitter laugh, shaking his head. “Wow. What a fucker.” He got up off the floor.
“It wasn’t like that, Brian,” she cried, scrambling to her feet.
“Don’t you dare.” His words were cold and clipped as he glared at her. “Don’t defend him to me.”
“And don’t you forget that you cheated, too. Damn it.”
“I also came clean first, and apologized first. But please, judge me some more.”
“I’m going to leave,” Becca said.
“Sounds like a good idea.”
Even though she expected it, and couldn’t blame him, his words hurt. They were hurting each other and it was time to stanch the bleeding. Becca gathered up her things and headed for the door. When she turned back, he stood watching her, hands on his hips, mouth severe.
“Are you going to start a relationship with her?” she asked.
His expression implied he was surprised by her question, but he quickly pulled it together. “I think it’s best if I’m just alone for a while.”
Becca turned and opened the door, then left without another word.
SEVEN
Jase had mingled at his buddy Reeve’s Christmas party for the past thirty minutes and still didn’t feel very merry. It was a good party. Nothing crazy since it was a weeknight and also a mix of Reeve’s and Emily’s friends and colleagues.
They each owned and ran their own company, but that was where the commonality in their jobs stopped. Her company was a multimillion-dollar regional theater chain, and his was a local landscaping business. Both relatively successful despite their differences, and they were making it work like champs, so Jase was impressed by them as a couple.
He was also envious. As he stood in the corner, pretending to care about something the three people standing around him were saying, he could see Emily slide her arm around Reeve’s waist as she laughed with another partygoer. Whatever they had going made them both sort of . . . glow.
Shit, he was officially going soft.
Taking another sip of his rum and Coke, he couldn’t help his thoughts going back to Becca. She’d gone back to KC three days ago, and this morning during coffee Tim had casually mentioned that he wasn’t sure when she’d be back. He’d also said something that made it sound as if she and her boyfriend had gotten into an argument.
Just thinking about it made Jase feel like an asshole. He’d kissed her, which had sent her running from the guilt, and she had to have ’fessed up, if the fight was any indication. And it wasn’t even her fault. That was all on him, and more than once he’d considered driving up there just to try to apologize again. If he thought she would welcome it, he might.
The bigger problem was, as much as he hated causing that rift between her and her boyfriend, he still didn’t want to take it back. In fact, he thought frequently about doing it again. Couldn’t stop thinking about the way she’d looked in that dress, or the way she’d smelled. The taste of her on his tongue.
And even though it was twisted, the candy canes he saw all over reminded him of her bedroom, and the night he had felt so safe in their home after being beaten by his father. The worst part was the newfound knowledge that he’d been wrong about her all these years. That not only had he been lied to, but she had also. He still hadn’t confronted Hannah about that, because what difference would it really make now? It had happened years ago. People told fibs all the time when they were young, not realizing the damage they could do. Chances were it hadn’t really affected her at all. Not the way it had him and Becca. Plus, it wasn’t all her fault. He and Becca could have learned to get along, but he’d been an insecure punk, and she was shy. It was really no one’s fault entirely. Just a lot of unfortunate circumstances that they were only now beginning to understand.
Hell, if anyone was to blame, it was his father for setting all the bullshit in motion.
Politely excusing himself from the group, Jase headed through the house and sneaked into Reeve and Emily’s kitchen. The catering staff was buzzing around, and he moved out of a server’s way on his trek to the fridge.
“Can I help you with something, sir?” a pretty young woman in a black uniform asked.
He smiled at her. “Nah. I’m just sneaking a beer. Not really a cocktail-and-champagne kind of guy.”
She grinned and opened the door for him. “Budweiser or Heineken?”
“Bud is great.” She opened the bottle with a towel hooked to her apron and handed him the cold beer with a little smirk. He nodded. “Thank you very much.”
“Pass me one, too,” Reeve said behind him. The young woman looked a little panicked, but the minute Reeve thanked her, she smiled and skittered off.
“Sorry man. I already had one mixed drink. Couldn’t do another.”
“I hear ya. I told Emily to have beer, but she was certain cocktails and wine were sufficient.”
“We’re too rugged and manly for this party.” Jase reached out for Reeve to clink beer bottles. “But it is a good party.”
“That it is. All Emily’s doing. Well, that and all the people she hired,” Reeve said with a wink. “She can hire a crew like nobody’s business.”
Jase grinned and then asked, “Are Tyler and Lia going to make it?”
“He said they’d be here around eight.”
Jase nodded then realized he needed to fill his friend in on the big news. “Hannah got engaged the other day.”
Reeve’s eyes went wide and he swallowed his beer. “What? You’re shitting me?”
Jase chuckled, shaking his head. “Nope. The guy sang to her in front of an audience and then got down on one knee. I saw it myself.”
Realizing they were in the way, the two of them scooted into a hallway-type alcove. “Damn. This is the douchebag she started seeing this spring?”
“Yeah. Crazy, right?”
Reeve ran a hand down his face. “How do you feel about t
hat?”
“Honestly? I feel all right. It’s strange, but, I think it’s good for both of us.”
“I won’t argue with that. She had you wrapped around her finger. It was kind of messed up.”
“Yeah, you’re right. I let it go on too long. If anything, I’m kind of pissed off at myself for that. I knew it was bullshit. It had just become . . . easy.” Jase laughed.
Reeve nodded. “Moving forward is good. Now you can meet a new woman. Someone who deserves you. Doesn’t yank your chain. I mean . . . I like Hannah, don’t get me wrong. But . . .”
Jase put up a hand. “I get it. No need to explain.”
“Well, now that this has happened, I’ve got to fill you in on something. But you have to promise you won’t freak out.”
Jase’s body tensed. “What?”
“There’s someone else who is not going to receive the news of Hannah being engaged very well. Especially to someone other than you.”
“Who the hell would that be?”
Reeve hesitated, then finally spoke. “Aiden.”
Jase tensed at the news. “What?” Their friend and fellow Guardsman Aiden lived just north of Kansas City in Preston. He ran a bar and grill, was a badass military sniper, and could make the most insanely delicious meal you’d ever eaten in your life. He also barely even spoke when spoken to. “Nah, I don’t buy it.”
“Believe me, bro. It’s true. I even tried to call him out, and while he didn’t say much, he also didn’t deny it.”
Jase blew out a breath and looked around the room. “Damn. Why didn’t he ever say anything?”
Reeve made a face that read as You’re kidding me, right? “Come on, now. Would you have told you that you had a thing for Hannah?”
Jase considered that. “No. Probably not. But he could have.”
“Aiden is loyal to a fault. Plus, he’s not a big talker. You know that. Unless he’s comfortable with you.”
“He’s comfortable with me. I’m one of his best friends!”
“Exactly why he would not have come between you and Hannah.”
Jase nodded. “Damn. Makes me feel bad. And it’s also weird. They’ve only ever been around each other a handful of times.” He thought about it. “Maybe seven or eight.”
“Yeah, but we went camping that weekend last year. And she always goes on and on about his cooking when she does see him.”
Jase pointed at Reeve. “That’s it right there. She’s stroked his ego.”
“Yeah, well, he wants her to stroke something else. No doubt.”
“Shit, I just can’t believe I missed that.”
“I can. When she’s around, she dominates your attention. At least she used to. I’m kind of glad to see that come to an end.”
“Damn, why didn’t any of you smack me upside the head before now?”
Reeve shrugged. “We talked about it.”
Jase just shook his head. “This engagement is for the best. I needed a goddamn wake-up call to get my head out of my ass.”
“Would you have been cool with Hannah and Aiden?” Reeve asked.
“Damn, man. I want to say yes, because I’d trust Aiden with my life. But . . . I’m honestly not sure. It seems so crazy. Guess now we’ll never know.”
* * *
Early the next morning Jase headed across the field toward Pitch’s pen. His boots crunched in the snow, but the sun was out today without a cloud in the sky, so it would likely all melt by nightfall. As he came around the corner of the big Morton barn building toward the back of the Walters main property, he stopped. Becca’s car was in the driveway. She must have come in last night.
Hesitating for a moment, he forced himself to get on with his chores. Pitch needed fresh hay and water, and although it was sunny, he still needed to double-check the pond to make sure the herd could get access to plenty of water. He rushed through everything, and in less than an hour—a record—he was hurrying up to the back door, suddenly just excited to see her face.
He felt some reluctance, but it was killing him not to know if things between them were okay. He needed her to be okay.
Giving the back door a quick knock, he opened it and stepped into the kitchen. The scent of coffee greeted him as it did every morning, but the kitchen was empty.
“We’re in the living room,” Tim called out. “Coffee’s still hot.”
Blowing out a breath, Jase hung up his coat and kicked off his boots since they were a little muddy. After making himself a cup of coffee he wandered into the living room, to find Tim and Becca decorating their Christmas tree.
“Just in time to take my place,” Tim said with a wink. “I’m meeting Evelyn for breakfast at Teeny’s.”
“Dad, seriously?” Becca said, not meeting Jase’s eyes. She hung another ornament on a branch, facing away from him. “Why didn’t you tell me you had these plans before we got started?”
“Didn’t I? I was certain I did. Sorry, Becca girl. Jase here is real strong. I know he can handle an ornament or two. Right, son?”
Tim patted him on the back and Jase couldn’t deny how much he liked it when the older man called him that.
“I think I can manage that.” Jase walked into the room and sat in the chair closest to the tree. Becca walked over to the sofa where a big box of ornaments was half unloaded. She was clearly avoiding him, and she was good at it. Hadn’t even acknowledged his presence. It was almost like the good old days. Except now he knew better than to let her get away with it.
Jase sipped on his coffee, picking up an ornament on the side table until he heard the back door shut, alerting them that Tim was gone.
“You doing okay?” he asked.
She gave him a smile. “Of course.”
He sighed. Of course she would pretend nothing happened, but he was not going to let that slide either. They’d established this new truth telling thing between them and he wasn’t ready to give it up. “This how you plan to move forward?” Jase asked. “Because I was hoping we could be straight with each other.”
“We can always be straight. I thought we decided that the other night.”
Jase set down his mug, stood up, and walked over to her. “We did. Which is why I’m gonna need you to look at me, Becca.”
She sighed and turned to face him. Silently staring up at him.
“That’s a little better,” he said with a smirk, trying to make her smile. “Now tell me what happened with your boyfriend.”
Her head tilted. “How’d you know anything happened?”
“Your dad may have mentioned it in passing.”
She groaned and picked up another ornament. “He worries too much.”
“He does. And so do I.” Jase picked up a small chipmunk sitting on a present, then walked to the tree. “Did you tell Brian what happened between us?”
Becca was busy hanging up her own ornament. “I did.”
“And he was pissed, I’m sure. I hope you blamed me.”
“Don’t worry, I did. Not that I wasn’t a willing participant, let’s be honest.” She picked up another ornament, and he had to admit, he liked hearing her say that. Then she went on. “But funny enough, right before I told him, he came clean about kissing his co-worker.” She stepped away from the tree and held out her hands. “No, I’m sorry . . . his exact words were, we fooled around.”
Jase stared wordlessly as she shook her head and chuckled. “Ironic, isn’t it? I’d driven home that day with my guilt tearing me up. I was devastated by what we’d done.”
Her words got Jase twisted up inside. This was his fault . . . to a point. Clearly Brian was a dickhead, but that didn’t excuse Jase kissing a woman he’d known was taken. “Can you forgive each other?”
“As it stands, it doesn’t appear as if we’re even going to try. The more I think about it, the more I feel like it’s for the best. He was right. Things have been . . . cool between us lately. I had convinced myself that it was just normal for a relationship at that stage. I mean, they call it the honeymo
on phase for a reason, right?” she said with a mirthless laugh as she hung up an icicle-shaped ornament. She turned back to the box. “Want to know the worst part?”
Jase stopped and watched her pick through the décor, waiting. She straightened and stared down at something in her hands. “I was expecting to get engaged for Christmas. I was certain of it. I really thought that was what we needed. Finally making that commitment and moving in together would fill the void. We’d even casually looked at rings on the plaza this summer. What guy does that if he isn’t considering it?”
She looked at Jase, and he had no idea how to respond. He wanted to say she was right, because he knew he’d never walk into a jewelry store with a woman and look at rings if there wasn’t a damn near one hundred percent chance he wanted to put one on her finger. But he wasn’t sure if agreeing with her right now was the right answer.
“Anyway, the other night I decided to just straight up ask him. And can you believe he told me he hadn’t even planned on it?” She chuckled again, and the sound nearly broke his heart. “That’s how not on the same page we were.”
“Becca,” he said. “I’m sorry.”
She turned to face him, her eyes shining. “How could I have been so wrong? The one time I thought someone truly wanted me, forever, they go and fool around with someone else.”
Wiping at her eyes, she shook her head. “I’m sorry. It’s fine. Better I know now than later. Right?” She gave him a weak smile. “And how can I even be mad with what I did.”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself. He’s an idiot, Becca. Any guy would be lucky to have you forever.”
“Oh God, don’t say that out of pity, please. I can’t handle it. Not from you. Especially not from you.”
Stepping closer, he noticed she didn’t back away, so he took one more step, until he could reach up and touch her face. “I’m not saying that out of pity.”
She leaned into his hand so slightly he would bet she hadn’t even realized she’d done it. “You’re an amazing woman. Smart, beautiful, nurturing. And I wasn’t lying when I told you my fantasies about you. The bikini wasn’t the only one.” Her eyes met his. “You were everything I could never have . . .”
Should've Been You Page 7