by Heidi Swain
‘And do you really think Annie will even want to look at you when she discovers what you’ve done? Do you think anyone will?’
‘It’s just a silly mistake,’ I said forthrightly. ‘Surely I’m allowed just one?’
‘Oh, Amber!’ Dan laughed. ‘How can you not see?’
‘See what?’
‘As far as Jake’s concerned,’ he said bluntly, ‘this is Holly all over again. You heard what he said: “why is this place never enough?” He thinks you’re the same as her. Another woman he loved who found him and his beloved Skylark Farm wanting. Just another girl who couldn’t be satisfied by him and this place!’
‘Don’t say that,’ I sobbed, ‘that’s not how it is at all.’
‘Well, that’s what he thinks, and it’s what Annie will think. To be honest,’ he added cruelly, ‘it’s what everyone will think.’
I didn’t say anything further but I could feel my anger giving way to fear. If my months on the farm had taught me anything it was that life here was visible and accountable, nothing like living in the city where you could just slip away, blend in and deal with your problems in peace. A giddy carousel of disapproving and disappointed faces swam before my eyes as I began to gauge how everyone would react to my apparent deception.
‘As I said,’ shrugged Dan, knowing he had made his point, ‘the best thing you can do is exactly what my brother asked you to do: spare yourself and him the humiliation and catch a train back to where you belong.’
Chapter 48
I left Dan by the river and headed back towards the house. I had to get away to work out an explanation that would show Jake just how wrong he and Holly had been to judge me and question my commitment to life at Skylark Farm.
However, I wasn’t only leaving the wedding party for my own sake; there was now the very real matter of the baby to consider as well. I still didn’t know all that much about pregnancy but I couldn’t imagine that adrenaline, fear and a racing heartbeat were the healthiest of cocktails for a developing foetus. Truth be told, I was scared. Not only had my revelatory moment been snatched from me, I was now in danger of losing the love of my life and my cherished home on top of everything else.
I had almost reached the house when I realised I wasn’t alone.
‘What are you doing here, Holly?’ I seethed. ‘What do you want?’
The she-devil herself stepped out of the shadows, her white dress glowing in the failing light.
‘I just wanted to check you were OK,’ she said smoothly. ‘I thought I heard raised voices and Jake looked so upset when he passed me on the path.’
‘You know I’m not all right,’ I spat, ‘you’ve engineered this whole situation to ensure I’m anything but.’
‘But this isn’t just about you, Amber, is it?’ she smiled. ‘And don’t forget you were the one who lied about the Dubai job.’
‘I didn’t lie,’ I shot back. ‘I was only doing what Simon asked by not saying anything. I thought I was doing the right thing.’
‘You only have to look at darling Jake to see how wrong you were.’
How dare she call him that?
‘But don’t worry,’ she continued, ‘you trot off back to London and I’ll help him pick up the pieces. Give me a day or two and he won’t even remember your name.’
‘He doesn’t want you!’ I laughed.
‘Doesn’t he?’ said Holly. ‘Are you sure of that, Amber? If Jake doesn’t want me, then why before I went to Dubai, did he keep in touch? Why did he keep seeking me out?’
‘What are you talking about?’
‘Everywhere I went he was there,’ she told me. ‘Every time I picked up my phone there was another text.’
‘You’re lying!’ I shouted, feeling sick to my stomach.
‘Why would I lie?’ she shrugged, reaching for her phone. ‘Here, see for yourself.’
‘No!’ I sobbed, turning away from the screen. ‘I don’t need to see. You’re poison, Holly, do you know that?’
She opened her mouth to answer but I’d heard enough. Jake had already told me to leave and now Holly had confirmed that he still wanted her. She had the evidence to prove it stored in her phone. I rushed past her to the house, packed my bags and fled.
It wasn’t until I was sitting on the train heading south to London that I realised I didn’t have a clue what I was going to do when I got there. I had no job and no home to run back to. How was running away a healthier option for the baby than staying put, telling Jake I was pregnant and trying to sort the mess out?
But of course, that wasn’t all there was to this situation now. Had it just been a case of crossed wires I would have gone to any lengths to unravel them, but the sudden, shocking inclusion of the Holly, Jake, Dan love triangle had complicated things beyond all reason. No matter what happened now, leaving Skylark Farm was the only sensible option, wasn’t it?
Everywhere in the city felt cramped and claustrophobic, throbbing with people all living life at a frantic pace, and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t escape the noise and bustle. Being camped out in a busy Travelodge only compounded the problem along with my lack of sleep, but with a tenant in my flat and nowhere else to go, I simply had no other choice.
The first few days back passed in a daze and I only ventured out for the shortest amount of time possible. To be honest I was still feeling shaken that I had taken such drastic action and shocked by how quickly the situation had got out of hand. Had it just been nothing more than neighbours gossiping over my silly mistake I could have coped, but the addition of Jake’s clandestine conversations with Holly meant that along with feeling stupid I was also feeling betrayed.
Coupled with the shock of knowing that I had left the farm behind and the fear that I could never summon the courage to see beyond what Jake had done behind my back, there was severe pain, an acute throbbing in my chest, and it didn’t take a genius to work out that for the first time in my life I was experiencing genuine heartbreak. When I had watched films or read books about people describing themselves as heartbroken I had always believed it was more a state of mind, not something tangible that really touched the body, but it did. It literally felt as if my heart had ripped in two and I had no idea how to put it back together again, or even if I wanted to.
Had it not been for the baby I probably would have sunk far deeper than I’d care to admit but I never allowed myself to lose sight of the fact that I was responsible for the tiny life growing inside me. This baby, no matter how small and as yet unformed, had done nothing wrong. It deserved the best of me, not the worst, and it was these thoughts that finally pulled me out of my stupor and forced me to start thinking at least some way straight and consider how I was going to move forward.
My first port of call was the letting agency I had used to rent out my flat.
‘Great timing,’ said Annalise, the agent in charge, when I turned up unannounced and plonked myself on the chair opposite her desk, ‘we’ve been planning to get in touch with you. Your tenant is rather hoping that you’ll consider selling. She’s totally in love with the place, especially that fabulous kitchen, and would be prepared to make a very generous offer, a good way above market value,’ she added in a loaded whisper.
‘Oh well,’ I smiled weakly, ‘wow. That’s great news.’
The mention of my once treasured kitchen reminded me of the morning Jake had cooked the full English and I had gone into overdrive worrying about fat splashes and errant eggshells. How was it possible that so much had changed in such a short space of time and that just one silly misunderstanding could send it all free-falling out of control and beyond my reach?
‘Can I tell her that you’re at least open to the idea then?’ said Annalise, her fingers already hovering over the phone.
‘Yes,’ I said, ‘absolutely. Although I might need a couple of weeks to get myself organised enough to move the things out that I left behind. You see, I’m not exactly sure where I’m going to be living now.’
‘Well, t
hat doesn’t matter,’ she said briskly. ‘The sale will take a little while to go through. I take it life in the country didn’t suit after all then?’ she added, her head sympathetically cocked to one side.
‘Yes and no,’ I said, gathering up my bag and phone before I made a complete fool of myself.
Pregnancy hormones I had learnt were very different to regular hormones. They were far harder to tame for a start. Recently I had found myself blubbing at cheesy adverts on TV and God help anyone who was nice to me. Suddenly there seemed to be nothing I could do to stem the flow and keep the ever ready tears in check.
‘Keep me posted,’ I said, swallowing hard and waving my phone in her direction, ‘no problem with phone signal now.’
There was no problem with phone signal at all, but that didn’t seem to matter to everyone I’d left behind. I hadn’t heard a thing from anyone since I’d flung my bags in the taxi and made a beeline for the train station. I hadn’t expected to hear from Jessica, of course. She and Henry were doubtless away enjoying the honeymoon in Vienna I had spent so long organising.
I wish I’d been there to see her reaction when Henry produced the two tickets to the Spanish Riding School in Vienna with its famous Lipizzaner ballet. I imagined her chattering excitedly about the baroque ambiance of the Imperial Palace, pirouettes, caprioles and gala performances, along with the extra-special tour it had been so difficult to organise.
No, no word from Jessica, but I had hoped that Harriet might have tried to get in touch.
Having escaped the letting agency without the embarrassment of traitorous tears, I hailed another taxi and set off to see Simon and find out just what had happened to send Dan ricocheting back into my life and so cruelly blowing it apart.
‘Oh Amber,’ said Simon, shaking his head when I relayed the horrid details of what had happened, ‘I am so sorry. If I’d had any idea he was going to react like that I would have warned you.’
‘I know,’ I said, biting my lip to stop myself from crying, ‘I know you would, but react to what exactly? Is it safe to assume that things didn’t work out in Dubai?’
‘No, the office out there is definitely happening,’ he nodded, ‘just not with Dan spearheading it. I’m guessing he didn’t tell you that I’ve sacked him?’
‘Sacked him?’
‘Yep and I’m glad to see the back of him to be honest. He made a complete hash of the job, when he could be bothered to do it, that is. From what I can gather from the rest of the team and his expense account, he spent most of the time sunning himself and treating the experience as if it was nothing more than a glorified holiday!’
‘Oh,’ I said, ‘I see.’
‘The final straw came when he flew this woman out there to join him for a couple of weeks. Business class as well, no expense spared apparently! Well, I made him pay for his own flight back, and hers for that matter, and I know for a fact that he’s now got no money to speak of and very few prospects.’
Suddenly everything began to slip into place. Dan, ably aided by titbits of gossip from Holly no doubt, had started to panic when he realised that in Jake’s hands the farm had had a business makeover thus securing a potentially bright and profitable future. If everything was looking rosy at the farm and the place wasn’t going to be sold then he wouldn’t be getting his hands on a share of anything from Annie anytime soon. Not that he had any right to expect anything, of course, but I bet that hadn’t stopped him hoping.
I had all my fingers crossed that Jake and Annie had seen through his sudden appearance and worked out his other motive for turning up and so viciously shovelling at least a dozen spanners into the works. I also hoped that my absence hadn’t had an impact on their enthusiasm to secure the farm’s future that we had all worked so hard together for. It was high time Skylark Farm thrived.
‘I’m sorry he’s spoilt everything for you, Amber,’ Simon said as I stood up to leave. ‘I really had no idea that he could be so spiteful.’
‘Me neither.’
‘So what are you going to do now?’ he asked. ‘If I can help in any way you know you only have to ask.’
I couldn’t help thinking it was a shame there weren’t a few more people like Simon in the world. ‘No hard feelings,’ he had said when I told him I didn’t want the Dubai job and that I wouldn’t be coming back to the office either. I wouldn’t have been at all surprised if he didn’t blame himself for some of what had happened because he refused to let me go in the first place.
If I could have just seen sense and walked away from the job before my move to the country then none of this confusion would have had the opportunity to arise, but it was too late to be thinking like that. The bomb had gone off and I had to salvage what I could and move on.
‘I’m not sure what I’m going to do,’ I shrugged, ‘but there’s no rush. I know the sale of the flat will make me a bit of money so I’ll be OK for the time being.’
Of course I also had to factor into my equations and calculations the fact that the money would now have to stretch twice as far, as there was a baby on the horizon, but Simon didn’t know that.
‘Congratulations again on the twins,’ I said, nodding at the plethora of photographs adorning his desk. ‘What a lovely surprise.’
‘Hmm, that’s one way of putting it!’ he said.
I left Simon proudly gazing at the photographs of his beloved babies, headed back to the Travelodge and made an appointment to go and see my doctor the very next day.
Chapter 49
‘You know we don’t really do this any more,’ said Dr Green as she took the sample bottle from me and offered me a chair, ‘especially when a patient is in the process of changing surgeries.’
‘I know,’ I said, ‘and I appreciate that, it’s just that given the circumstances I can’t make any decisions about anything until I know that this is definitely happening and for that, I need your help.’
‘And what makes you think the three tests you took at home could be wrong?’
‘I don’t know,’ I shrugged, trying not to think of Skylark Farm as home. ‘I guess I just won’t really be able to believe it until I hear you say it.’
My doctor had been somewhat taken aback when I asked if she could confirm that I was pregnant, especially as she thought I had moved away for good, but when I explained some of what had happened and she took a long, hard look at the dark circles under my eyes and the brimming tears she agreed to do the test.
‘Well, there you go,’ she said, showing me the result, ‘definitely pregnant.’
I wasn’t expecting to feel shocked, but I did. Having her confirm it made me realise that my life really was no longer my own and no matter what I decided to do from now on, be it large or small, I was making choices for my baby, mine and Jake’s baby, as well as for myself.
‘Thank you,’ I said, standing shakily back up, ‘thanks.’
‘Shall I make an appointment for you to see the nurse?’
‘I don’t know,’ I said, ‘I don’t know where I’m going to be living. I might not be here,’ I faltered. I didn’t know anything.
‘Well, have a think about it,’ said Dr Green, ‘and let me know, only don’t leave it too long, OK?’
‘OK,’ I whispered, ‘and thank you again.’
I headed back to my room in the Travelodge with a heavy heart and my life still in disarray. I might have sounded blasé about my prospects when I talked to Simon but actually, having now had my pregnancy confirmed, I couldn’t help wondering if I would have been better off sticking to my original plan, brazening it out at Skylark Farm and waiting until Jake had calmed down enough to tell me exactly what had been going on between him and Holly. But it was too late to put things right. I would simply have to learn to live with my decision and move on with my life.
I was going to have to tell Jake about our baby at some point, of course, but I didn’t know when. Perhaps it would be sensible not to reveal anything until I had a sizeable bump to show him. I couldn’t blame him
for not trusting me so there was no point telling him he was going to be a father until he could see the evidence for himself, but when was that going to be? I might know I was definitely pregnant but I had no idea how far along I was.
My phone vibrated in my bag and I pulled it out thinking it would be Annalise letting me know just how high above market value my tenant was prepared to go, but it wasn’t. It was a text from Harriet.
‘Can you come?’ it read. ‘Annie not well.’
That was it. There were no details about what was wrong with her; whether she’d had another fall or if she was in hospital again; nor was there any mention of whether or not Jake had asked Harriet to send the text.
I banged out a short message in response and hit send.
No reply.
I waited almost an hour in my room with the arguments for and against jumping back on the train batting about in my head. In some ways even just the idea of it was ridiculous. I’d only been back in London for a few days. I still hadn’t had enough time to clear my addled brain or make any real plans, let alone give the dust Dan and Holly had kicked up at the farm the opportunity to settle.
If I went back in this vulnerable state, with no emotional armour, no barrier or shield to protect me from Jake’s disappointment or Annie’s all-seeing gaze, I didn’t know how I would cope. However, bottom line was that this wasn’t about me, was it? There was something amiss with Annie and I knew I’d never forgive myself if anything happened to her and I wasn’t there. Assuming, of course, she wanted me there.
The thought of what she must have been thinking about the situation had caused me just as much agony as what Jake had been going through (or not, depending on whether Holly had decided to stick around and console him), but as hard as I looked for it there didn’t seem to be any way in the world to come up with a solution that would allow me to make it all better.
With confusion still running roughshod through my mind, I set about packing my bags for the return journey knowing I would just have to take my chances because life was too short for regrets. That was one lesson I had learnt.