Ultimate Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook
Page 13
INGREDIENT AMOUNT: 1/4 cup
SUBSTITUTION: 1 ounce unsweetened chocolate (decrease fat in recipe by 11/2 teaspoons)
OUT OF INGREDIENT: Cornstarch
INGREDIENT AMOUNT: 1 tablespoon
SUBSTITUTION: 2 tablespoons all-purpose four
OUT OF INGREDIENT: Cream
INGREDIENT AMOUNT: 1 cup
SUBSTITUTION: 7/8 cup whole milk plus 1/2 tablespoon half and half, butter, or margarine
OUT OF INGREDIENT: Cream, heavy
INGREDIENT AMOUNT: 1 cup
SUBSTITUTION: 3/4 cup milk plus 1/3 cup butter or (40% fat) margarine (for use in cooking and baking)
OUT OF INGREDIENT: Cream of tartar
INGREDIENT AMOUNT: 1/2 teaspoon
SUBSTITUTION: 11/2 teaspoons lemon juice or vinegar
OUT OF INGREDIENT: Garlic
INGREDIENT AMOUNT: 1 clove
SUBSTITUTION: 1/8 teaspoon garlic powder
OUT OF INGREDIENT: Honey
INGREDIENT AMOUNT: 1 cup
SUBSTITUTION: 11/4 cups sugar plus 1/4 cup additional liquid called for in recipe
OUT OF INGREDIENT: Lemon juice, fresh
INGREDIENT AMOUNT: 1 teaspoon
SUBSTITUTION: 1/2 teaspoon vinegar
OUT OF INGREDIENT: Mayonnaise
INGREDIENT AMOUNT: 1 cup
SUBSTITUTION: 1 cup yogurt or 1 cup sour cream
OUT OF INGREDIENT: Molasses
INGREDIENT AMOUNT: 1 cup
SUBSTITUTION: 3/4 cup sugar plus 11/4 teaspoons cream of tartar (increase liquid in recipe by 5 tablespoons)
OUT OF INGREDIENT: Shortening
INGREDIENT AMOUNT: 1 cup
SUBSTITUTION: 11/8 cups butter or margarine (decrease salt called for in recipe by 1/2 teaspoon)
OUT OF INGREDIENT: Sugar, brown
INGREDIENT AMOUNT: 1 cup, firmly packed
SUBSTITUTION: 1 cup granulated sugar
OUT OF INGREDIENT: Sugar, granulated
INGREDIENT AMOUNT: 1 cup
SUBSTITUTION: 13/4 cups confectioners’ sugar or 1 cup firmly packed light brown sugar
OUT OF INGREDIENT: Vinegar
INGREDIENT AMOUNT: 1 teaspoon
SUBSTITUTION: 2 teaspoons lemon juice
OUT OF INGREDIENT: Yogurt
INGREDIENT AMOUNT: 1 cup
SUBSTITUTION: 1 cup whole milk plus 1 tablespoon lemon juice
Jar Won’t Open
Rap on counter.
Pry lid with butter knife.
Hold under hot running water.
Puncture lid to break seal. Try these techniques individually or together to loosen a stuck jar lid.
HOLIDAYS
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HOW TO MAKE AN EMERGENCY MENORAH
If Hanukkah arrives and you are without a menorah or candles, you will have to make your own.
Baked Menorah
You will need 2 cups flour, 1 cup salt, 1 cup water, 9 nuts or washers (at least 1/2 inch in diameter), a large mixing bowl, and at least three hours.
1 Preheat the oven to 200°F.
2 Mix the flour and salt together in the large bowl.
3 Add water.
Slowly pour water into the mixture and stir until it becomes the consistency of dough. If it is too dry, add more water; if it is too wet, add more flour.
4 Roll the dough into a strip about 12 inches long, 1 to 2 inches wide, and 2 inches thick.
5 Cut a 1-inch piece off of one end and press it into the center of the strip.
The center area will be raised slightly: it will hold the Shamos candle, which is used to light the other candles.
6 Add the nuts to the dough.
Press the nuts into the dough, four spaced evenly on each side of the Shamos holder. Place the ninth nut in the raised center portion. The nuts should be pushed in so that part of the nut sticks up above the top of the dough. The nuts are the candle holders.
7 Bake.
Place the menorah on a baking sheet, and place in the oven. Bake for about two hours. The menorah is ready when the dough becomes hard. (You can air-dry the menorah instead of baking it; allow two to three days for hardening.)
8 Let cool.
The menorah should be completely cool before use.
Baked menorah: Press nuts into the dough before baking. Let menorah cool completely before use.
Bowl and Dirt Menorah
You will need a baking dish or bowl and sand, dirt, rice, or gravel.
Bowl and dirt menorah: The Shamos candle should be set on a raised mound in the center of the bowl.
Fill a 2-inch-deep (or deeper) bowl with sand, dirt, rice, gravel, or other nonflammable material.
Stick the appropriate number of candles in the dish each night (placing the Shamos on a slightly elevated mound) to create a makeshift menorah.
WARNING!
Do not make a menorah out of wood. Hanukkah candles must be allowed to burn down completely, and wood presents the risk of fire.
HOW TO EXTINGUISH A CHRISTMAS TREE FIRE
1 Assess the size and nature of the fire.
Quickly determine if the source of the fire is electrical, and observe how large an area of the tree is burning. A fire larger than the size of a small wastebasket cannot usually be contained, even with a home extinguisher. If the fire is that large, evacuate the building and call the fire department from a cellular phone or a neighbor’s house.
2 If the f ire is small and not electrical, douse it or smother it.
Extinguish the fire with a bucket of water or a multipurpose (Class ABC) fire extinguisher, or smother it with a wet blanket.
3 If the fire is electrical, use a fire extinguisher.
Do not throw water on an electrical fire. Use a multipurpose (Class ABC) fire extinguisher.
4 When using a fire extinguisher, stand with your back toward an exit, six to eight feet from the fire, and Pull, Aim, Squeeze, Sweep (PASS).
Pull the release tab, aim at the base of the fire, squeeze the lever to release the pressurized chemicals, and sweep from side to side as you slowly move closer to the fire.
5 If the fire is still spreading, exit the house.
Evacuate the building quickly. Do not attempt to save orna ments, Christmas presents, or other valuables.
How to Prevent a Christmas Tree Fire
1 Select a fresh tree.
A dry tree is a major fire hazard; to get the freshest tree, cut it yourself. If you purchase a cut tree, run your hand down a branch to make sure it is not dry and shedding needles. Test the tree by bending a needle: if it snaps, the tree is too dry.
2 Leave the tree in a bucket of water overnight.
Place the tree in the stand the next day. Water it daily.
3 Place the tree at least three feet away from a fireplace, radiator, or other heat source.
4 Unplug tree lights when not in use.
Do not leave the lights on during the day, when you go to bed, or when you leave the house.
5 Do not place lit candles on or near a tree.
If tradition requires candles, use specially weighted sconces that do not tip over. Do not add electric tree lights or other electrical equipment to or around the tree (such as a train set), in the event that water must be thrown onto the tree. Do not leave the tree unattended.
If the fire is larger than the size of a small wastebasket or is spreading quickly, get out of the house.
The “There Is No Santa Claus” Speech
Son/Daughter,
Please sit down over here by me. There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you for a long time, and I think you’re old enough now.
I know you believe with all your heart that there is a person called Santa Claus who brings you presents every year if you are good. But the truth is that there is no Santa Claus. “Santa Claus” is really all the parents in the world, who love their children very much and buy them presents to show how much they love them.
Your presents are not made by elves in a toy
shop at the North Pole. There is no such thing as an elf; and the North Pole is actually one of the loneliest and most desolate places on earth. The truth is that Mom and Dad buy all your presents at the mall or online, and we’re the ones who eat Santa’s cookies and drink Santa’s milk. Reindeer can’t fly, either.
But don’t cry. This doesn’t mean that the spirit of Santa Claus isn’t real. “Santa Claus” is inside all of us, whenever we give presents to those that we love or to those who are less fortunate. When you grow up, you can be Santa, too. Or the Easter Bunny. Or the Tooth Fairy.
Signs of danger: anchor vehicles moving toward curb, handlers reining in the ropes.
HOW TO ESCAPE FROM A RUNAWAY PARADE BALLOON
1 Watch for sudden changes in wind speed.
Parade balloons are deployed only if sustained winds are 23 mph or less, with gusts no more than 34 mph. If the winds exceed these levels during the parade, controlling the balloons becomes much more difficult. If you detect a significant change in wind speed or direction, look for other indications of danger.
2 Watch the anchor vehicles.
Large balloons (5,000 cubic feet and bigger) will be tethered to two anchor vehicles that look like oversized golf carts. These vehicles weigh 21/2 tons each and act as fail-safes, keeping a balloon from moving uncontrollably in case of emergency. In calm winds, the vehicles will be directly under the balloon and in the center of the street. If the anchor vehicles begin to move outward, toward the sidewalks, the wind is increasing substantially.
3 Watch the height of the balloon.
In calm winds, balloons will float at a maximum height of 50 feet. If the balloons are lower than this, winds may be dangerously high. In very strong winds, balloons may be almost at ground level.
4 Observe balloon handlers.
Each balloon has at least one handler; the largest balloons may have 50. Each handler holds a rope, and each rope is marked in foot-long increments. As winds increase, handlers will pull in their ropes and move into the wind for better control of the balloon in a headwind. If you see handlers reining in lots of rope, they are dealing with a clear and present danger.
5 Do not try to rescue a balloon.
It is difficult for an observer to gauge the hugeness of a parade balloon, the tension in the ropes, and the amount of energy required to control a balloon in high winds. Lending a helping hand may seem easy, but the situation may be more out of control than it looks. Stay clear of the street and the balloon operators. Balloons and their handlers need lots of space to maneuver. Never attempt to pull on any ropes, and do not poke or prod any balloon.
6 Avoid lampposts and traffic lights.
The most immediate risk is that a runaway balloon may knock over a traffic light or lamppost, which will strike those standing below. Often, traffic lights are either removed or repositioned before the parade; if any remain, stay away from them.
7 Do not panic.
A stampeding crowd is a greater threat than a renegade balloon. If you have detected the early signs of danger and have responded, you will be moving ahead of the crowd.
8 Evacuate the area.
Seek safety away from the parade route, if you have time. You may take immediate shelter in a building or subway station.
HOW TO SURVIVE IF YOU HAVE NO ONE TO KISS ON NEW YEAR’S EVE
If You Are with Others
1 Keep a glass in your hand.
If others think you are being festive and uninhibited, you are much more likely to receive a kiss. Even if you are not drinking, always hold a partly full glass of champagne.
2 Hug people.
As the clock strikes midnight, begin hugging everyone around you.
3 Select a desirable person.
As you are hugging, look for an attractive person who you would enjoy kissing and who might kiss you. If a person is not randomly kissing others, he or she may be less likely to kiss you.
4 Begin your approach.
Act casual, but keep your destination in view. Slowly move toward your chosen one, hugging everyone on the way.
5 Time your arrival.
Do not appear to be “lining up” to kiss this person. Time your arrival precisely as the person releases the previous reveler.
6 Yell first, then hug.
Yell “Happy New Year!” as you move in. Hug, embrace, then pull away slightly.
7 Kiss.
Keep your mouth closed, pucker slightly, and plant the kiss.
If no humans are available to kiss at midnight, try kissing a pet. Keep your mouth closed.
If You Are Alone
Kiss a pet.
Dogs are generally agreeable and have relatively clean mouths. Cats are usually well groomed but are more passive and tend to get rather than give. Keep your mouth closed.
Kiss yourself.
Find a mirror, pucker up, lean close, and kiss. Keep the lips slightly parted. Do not attempt to use your tongue. Wipe the mirror clean after you have completed your kiss. You may also try kissing the back of your hand.
Kiss a celebrity.
Watch a favorite movie or show on television and kiss the screen when an appealing star has a close-up. Wipe the screen first to remove dust and static electricity, and wipe the screen after to remove any evidence.
Hug a pillow.
Full-body pillows are more satisfying.
Call a friend on the phone.
After you wish your friend a happy New Year, give the telephone mouthpiece loud, smacking kisses. (This works less well with cellular phones.)
TEENAGERS
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HOW TO TELL IF YOUR CHILD WAS SWITCHED AT BIRTH
1 Compare a photograph of yourself or your spouse as a teenager with a photograph of your child.
Look particularly at facial features—eyes, nose, mouth—and at body shape. If there are absolutely no similarities and your child was not adopted, you might be right: this strangely behaved person may not be your biological child. Proceed to step 2.
2 Compare personality traits.
Look for common tendencies and habits that are signs of a genetic connection. Allow for generation-specific differences, such as musical taste and fashion sense.
3 Examine what happened immediately after your child’s birth.
Did you actually see the doctor place the ID band on your child’s arm or leg in the hospital room?
Was your child out of your immediate view for more than a few seconds?
Did you notice any marked similarities between yourself and any other children in the nursery? If the answer to any of the above questions is “Yes” or “I don’t know,” look for further evidence of a long-ago error.
WARNING!
Your child’s difficult and dissimilar traits might be attributable to your spouse.
DNA testing can be expensive, and by now you’re a family anyway.
parent child Compare yourself with your child.
HOW TO DEAL WITH PROVOCATIVE CLOTHING
1 In a firm and calm voice, tell your teen to change into something more suitable.
Do not yield to a tantrum. Remain neutral and impervious to eye rolling and heavy sighs.
2 In a calm and firm voice, tell your teen to change into something more suitable.
Do not yield to a tantrum. Remain neutral and impervious to eye rolling and heavy sighs.
3 In a firm and calm voice, tell your teen to change into something more suitable.
Do not yield to a tantrum. Remain neutral and impervious to eye rolling and heavy sighs.
4 In a calm and firm voice, tell your teen to change into something more suitable.
Do not yield to a tantrum. Remain neutral and impervious to eye rolling and heavy sighs.
5 Employ reverse psychology.
Wear the same outfit as your teen. The anarchy T-shirt, hoodie sweatshirt with silk-screened profanity, or teeny-tiny skirt and ripped fishnet stockings will not look as cool when you are wearing them, too.
HOW TO SURVIVE YOUR CHILD’S FIRST DRIVING LESSON
1 Dress casually.
Do not wear a helmet or extra padding.
2 Check safety devices.
Make sure that seat belts are securely fastened and mirrors are properly adjusted.
3 Breathe in deeply and exhale slowly.
Continue to breathe.
4 Relax.
Do not tense your muscles.
5 Keep your hands folded in front of you.
6 Avoid sudden movements.
Do not clench the dashboard, grab for the emergency brake handle, or make other movements that may surprise the teen and cause him to lose control. Do not smoke, eat, read, sing, play the radio, finger worry beads, or talk on the telephone.
7 Compliment the driving.
Avoid the urge to comment negatively on your child’s performance. Do not say things like “You’re going to get us both killed!” Speak positively and in a calm voice.
8 Do not grab the steering wheel, gearshift, or hand brake.
Trust the driver.
9 Stay relaxed.
It will be fine.
HOW TO REATTACH A DAMAGED BUMPER
1 Assess the damage.
Examine the bumper and bumper cover. Many vehicles have a plastic or rubber bumper cover over a steel bumper. The lightweight cover, rather than the steel bumper, is likely to be the damaged portion.
2 Remove the bumper cover.