Ultimate Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook

by David Borgenicht

  2 Check the wire’s angle.

  The wire should be basically level, parallel to the ground. If slightly angled, the departure side should be a bit higher than the arrival side, so you are traveling “downhill” rather than “uphill” for at least the first half of the trip. (Because of the flex of the wire, you will be climbing “uphill” once you reach the midpoint of your journey.)

  3 Protect your hands.

  If you do not have gloves, tear out your pants pockets and use them as mittens, put your socks on your hands, or hold two squares of thick cardboard. Gloves will protect your hands, absorb sweat, reduce friction and “rope burn,” and allow your hands to slide more easily along the wire.

  4 Hold the wire.

  Stand on the edge of the building, facing the wire. Grab the wire with your hands, approximately two feet beyond the edge of the building. (Crouch down if the wire is at your feet.)

  5 Position your legs.

  Holding the wire tightly, bend at the waist and swing one leg up and over the wire. This leg should be on top of the wire, with the wire running under your knee. Swing your other leg up and cross your legs at your calves. The leg sitting on the wire should be “locked down” by your other leg.

  6 Position your arms.

  Holding on to the wire with your dominant hand, let go with your other hand and place your free arm up and over the wire. Bend this arm so the wire runs under your elbow, similar to the position of your leg. Your other arm should be gripping the wire a few inches beyond your bent elbow.

  7 Check your position.

  You should be hanging upside down, stomach toward the wire, head facing your direction of travel. Your body should be slightly bent at the elbows, knees, and waist.

  8 Begin moving.

  Slightly extend the arm that is gripping the wire. Pull your lower body after you, keeping one leg locked over the other. Your face should be as close to the wire as possible, with your hand not too far beyond your head. You will have moved about a foot.

  9 Continue to face the wire, keeping your body as close to it as possible.

  Do not look down.

  10 Repeat.

  Continue to travel in this fashion, resting between moves as necessary. Once you reach the midpoint of the wire, you will be traveling “uphill,” and progress will be slower and more exhausting.

  WARNING!

  Do not attempt to cross an electrical wire. Follow the path of the wire visually. If it appears to run from a pole into a building, the wire may be electrified and should not be crossed.

  A wire with too much flex will be extremely difficult to climb up once you reach its midpoint.

  HOW TO JUMP FROM ROOFTOP TO ROOFTOP

  1 Look for any obstructions, if you have time.

  You may have to clear short walls, gutters, or other obstacles as well as the space between buildings.

  2 Check your target building.

  Make certain that you have enough space to land and roll. If the target building is lower than your building, assess how much lower it is. You risk broken ankles or legs if there is more than a one-story differential in the buildings. If there are two stories or more, you risk a broken back.

  Jump with your arms outstretched, ready to grab the ledge if you undershoot your mark.

  3 Check the distance between the buildings.

  Most people cannot jump farther than 10 feet, even at a full run. If the buildings are farther apart than this distance, you risk catastrophic injury or death. You must clear the distance and land on the other roof, or be able to grab on to a ledge on the other side. If the target building is lower, your forward momentum will continue to carry you even as you fall, so you may be able to leap a greater distance—though probably not more than about 12 feet. You could successfully leap a span across an alley, but not a two-lane road.

  4 Pick a spot for takeoff and a spot for landing.

  5 Run at full speed toward the edge.

  You must be running as fast as possible to attempt a leap of a distance of more than a few feet. You will need 40 to 60 feet of running room to develop enough speed to clear about 10 feet.

  6 Leap.

  Make sure your center of gravity is over the edge of your target building in case your whole body doesn’t clear the span and you have to grab hold. Jump with your arms and hands extended and ready to grab the ledge.

  7 Try to land on your feet, then immediately tuck your head and tumble sideways onto your shoulders.

  Because you will not be moving fast, it is safe to roll diagonally head over heels, unlike jumping from a moving vehicle.

  HOW TO JUMP FROM A BUILDING INTO A DUMPSTER

  1 Jump straight down.

  If you leap off and away from the building at an angle, your trajectory will make you miss the Dumpster. Resist your natural tendency to push off.

  2 Tuck your head and bring your legs around.

  To do this during the fall, execute a three-quarter revolution—basically, a not-quite-full somersault. This is the only method that will allow a proper landing, with your back facing down.

  3 Aim for the center of the Dumpster or large box of debris.

  4 Land flat on your back so that when your body folds, your feet and hands meet.

  When your body hits any surface from a significant height, the body folds into a V. This means that landing on your stomach can result in a broken back.

  WARNING!

  If the building has fire escapes or other protrusions, your leap will have to be far enough out so that you miss them on your way down. The landing target needs to be far enough from the building for you to hit it.

  The Dumpster may be filled with bricks or other unfriendly materials. It is entirely possible to survive a high fall (five stories or more) into a Dumpster, provided it is filled with the right type of trash (cardboard boxes are best) and you land correctly.

  Aim for the center of the Dumpster, and land flat on your back.

  HOTELS

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  HOW TO SURVIVE A HIGH-RISE HOTEL FIRE

  Always treat a hotel fire alarm seriously, and exit following hotel procedure. If the fire is nearby, use the following procedure.

  1 Feel your hotel room doorknob with the back of your hand.

  If the doorknob is hot to the touch, go to step 2 and then skip to step 5. If it is not hot, follow the steps in order.

  2 Partially fill the bathtub with cold water.

  Soak towels, washcloths, bedsheets, and blankets in the water. If the water is off, use water from the toilet tank. Put a wet washcloth over your mouth and nose and a wet sheet or towel over your head.

  3 Open the door.

  4 If the hallway is smoke-filled, get as low as possible—one to two feet above the floor.

  Make your way to an emergency exit. Never use the elevator.

  5 If the door or doorknob is hot, do not open the door.

  Wedge wet towels in the crack under the door to keep smoke out.

  6 Try calling the front desk or rooms on other floors to check on conditions in other areas.

  7 Turn off fans and air-conditioners that could draw smoke into the room, and open the window slightly.

  If the fire is on a floor below you, smoke may enter the room through the window, so keep the opening narrow. If the fire is not below you, open the window a third or halfway.

  8 Make a tent of wet towels and sheets at the window.

  Do not build the tent if smoke is billowing into the room. Hold or attach one side of the towel or sheet to the window and allow the other side to fall behind you, so that you are protected from smoke and are breathing outside air. The towels should help to cool the air and make it easier to breathe.

  9 Signal rescue personnel with a white towel or a flashlight.

  Wait for rescue.

  10 If the air in the room is getting worse, breathing becomes difficult, and no rescue is forthcoming, try to kick through the wall into the adjacent room.

  Close
ts are the best locations to try to break through. Sit on the floor of the closet, and knock on the wall until you hear a hollow sound. (Wall studs are normally spaced 16 inches apart.) Use both feet to kick through both surfaces of dry-wall. You may survive by using this as a breathing hole, or you may need to continue breaching the wall until you can escape into the next room.

  11 If you cannot breach the wall, go to a window and look at the outside of the building.

  If the rooms have balconies that are close together, consider climbing to another balcony on the same floor. If there are no neighboring balconies, you can tie bedsheets together and climb to a balcony directly beneath yours. Use square knots (the first step in tying your shoes, done twice) and lower yourself one floor only. Consider this option only as a last resort, and only do it if you are attempting to escape an immediate danger or to reach rescue personnel.

  WARNING!

  Ladders on fire trucks usually reach only to the seventh floor of a high-rise building. Consider booking a room below this level.

  Poolside or courtyard rooms are likely to be inaccessible to ladder trucks, even if they are below the seventh floor. Consider staying in a street-side room.

  Upon check-in, make sure the hotel has smoke detectors and fire sprinklers.

  Count the doors between your room and the nearest fire exit. This will help you to get out safely if smoke reduces visibility.

  Keep your room key where it can be found in the dark.

  Never jump from a height of more than two floors.

  HOW TO SCOUR A ROOM FOR BEDBUGS

  1 Leave luggage in the car.

  Do not bring your things into the hotel room until you have checked for bugs.

  2 Shine a light.

  Turn on a powerful flashlight and run it up and down the walls of the room, focusing on corners, cracks, and seams. Run the flashlight along the baseboards and into the closets. Look for oval, reddish-brown bugs about the size of a pinhead. Eggs, when they can be seen at all, resemble a minutely small translucent dot or a flake of dust. You are looking for live bedbugs, dead bedbugs, cast shells, or bedbug eggs. Adult bedbugs can be 1/4 inch in length.

  Bedbug (enlarged) and actual size hatchling.

  3 Strip the bed.

  Pull back the sheets, shake the pillows out of their cases, and perform a careful visual inspection of the sheets, the pillows and pillowcases, and the mattress itself. Look for live bugs, dead bugs, or dark brown smears of blood.

  4 Disassemble the headboard.

  Using a handheld Phillips-head screwdriver, remove the headboard from the bed and shine your flashlight into the crevices in the wood of each piece. Examine the joints where the headboard connects to the bed.

  5 Check the drawers.

  Open every drawer and cupboard in the room one by one, shining your flashlight into the corners. Look under the telephone, the TV, and in any other dark, hidden places.

  6 Check the bathroom.

  Get down on all fours and crawl the length of the bathroom, peering under the toilet, under the sink, and in the bathtub.

  7 Vacuum.

  Run a small portable vacuum cleaner over the carpeting of the room; then shake the vacuum bag out into the sink. Sort through the accumulated dust and carpet fibers for dead bugs or cast shells.

  8 Watch for bites.

  The best way to detect the presence of bedbugs is the redness, swelling, and itching resulting from a bite.

  9 Set traps.

  Surround the bed with sticky tape to catch bedbugs on the move.

  WARNING!

  Online and printed directories listing the names of bedbug-infested hotels and motels have proliferated in recent years. Before you make your reservation, check to see if your intended hotel is listed as having a problem.

  Do not place your luggage on the bed, since you might be bringing in bedbugs. Use the folding-rack luggage stand.

  Hang clothing far from the bed.

  Bedbugs can live for one year without feeding (on your blood).

  What to Avoid in a Filthy Hotel Room

  Do not touch the following (unless your hand is covered with your sleeve or another washable object):

  Light switch

  Air-conditioning/heating controls

  Bedspread

  Blanket

  Sheets

  TV remote control

  Bathroom sink

  Toilet seat

  Handle on toilet

  Room telephone (if any)

  Window handle (if any)

  Do not do the following:

  Take a bath

  Take a shower without footwear

  Drink the tap water

  Swallow water from the shower

  Reach under the bed

  Eat food in the room

  Pick up unknown objects

  SMALL SPACES

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  Too little.

  HOW TO SURVIVE IN A TIN Y WORKSPACE

  Cubicle

  1 Select a good location.

  Opt for a cube away from main hallways, bathrooms, supply rooms, and other high-traffic areas, if you have the choice. Avoid cubes within the boss’s line of sight.

  2 Use comfort devices.

  Requisition a more comfortable chair, or select one from an empty cubicle or office (some styles of chairs may be assigned to employees above a certain level, so be careful about what you borrow). Alternatively, obtain a doctor’s note stating that you require a comfortable chair for medical reasons—your employer will be obligated to provide you with one. A back pillow and footrest will also make cube life more comfortable and relaxed. Do not attempt to fit in recliners, love seats, or hammocks.

  3 Install convenience items.

  A wireless telephone headset will give you increased freedom of movement. Noise-canceling stereo headphones (with an extra-long cord) will eliminate outside distractions. A small fan is effective in filtering out annoying noises such as typing and phone conversations. (The fan will also make it more difficult for coworkers to eavesdrop on your conversations.) Small refrigerators, hair dryers, televisions, VCRs, and blenders should not be easily visible.

  Too much.

  4 Personalize your space.

  Decorate your cubicle with your family photographs and drawings, as well as other pictures and cartoons you like, giving your cube a homey touch. Avoid hanging too many items, or you risk a cubicle that looks like a dorm room or refrigerator door.

  5 Build upward.

  There is usually no limit to the amount of vertical space you can occupy. Stack in/out trays high atop elevated surfaces for additional room. Staplers, tape dispensers, card files, and other items that traditionally occupy valuable space on top of a desk can be suspended from the ceiling to create a more spacious environment below.

  6 Use mirrors.

  Hang a large mirror on the cubicle wall to create the illusion of spaciousness.

  WARNING!

  Health and safety codes dictate that cubes may not have roofs. Do not attempt to construct a fully enclosed cubicle for privacy

  Adding a small, stick-on, wide-angle mirror to the edge of your monitor allows you to see if someone is peering into your cubicle from behind.

  Notify your supervisor that you would like to sit in a “double-wide” cubicle if one becomes available. Standard cubes are eight by eight feet and four to six feet high—double-wides offer twice the floor space of standard units, plus an L- or U-shaped desk. The double-wide cubicle does carry some risk: if office space gets tight, you may find yourself with a cube-mate, a particularly undesirable situation.

  HOW TO HAVE SEX IN A SMALL SPACE

  Airplane Lavatory

  1 Pick a rendezvous time.

  Select a time when you are least likely to have to wait in line and when you will not be disturbed. The best times are just before the plane reaches cruising altitude or during the in-flight entertainment.

  2 As the plane is ascending, listen for a beep from the i
n flight messaging system.

  The first beep comes without a subsequent announcement and indicates to the flight attendants that cruising altitude has almost been reached and that it is safe to begin their preparations. The Fasten Your Seatbelt sign will still be illuminated, but the flight attendants will get up. As soon as the flight attendants clear the aisle, head for the lavatory. Try to select one that is not visible from the galleys. Have your date wait at least a minute, then meet you in the lavatory. You should hear the beverage carts roll by. After a few minutes, the flight attendants will begin to serve drinks, blocking the aisle from passenger access. Alternatively, or in addition, proceed to step 3.

  3 Meet during the movie.

  Plan your rendezvous for the beginning of the film, preferably when the film is at least 15 minutes under way. Most passengers and flight attendants stay out of the aisles and galley areas during the entertainment portion of the flight, so you will have more privacy. You should proceed to the lavatory first, to be followed a minute later by your date.

  4 Put down the toilet seat lid and clean it.

  Wipe the seat with Sani-Wipes if they are available, or use a wet paper towel with soap. Place paper towels or a sanitary toilet seat cover on top for extra protection.

  5 Be quiet and be quick.

  You will not have a lot of time before people are lining up to get into the restroom.