Block surprise attacks.
To stop an opponent from striking your groin with the butt of his musket, extend your arms downward and slightly out from your body, catching his weapon at the center part of your musket. To stop a butt stroke to your upper body or head, hold your musket vertical so your opponent’s weapon will hit at the center of your musket. Counterattack immediately.
Be relentless.
Quick action is imperative in a bayonet fight. You are fight-ing for your life.
WARNING!
In the majority of bayonet charges, the defensive side fees before any contact is made. Bayonet charges are often more of a symbolic coup de grâce meant to finish off the morale of the opposition than an order to actually engage in hand-to-hand combat. Because soldiers running toward a line with bayonets drawn present such an intimidating sight, the commander with the field advantage often delivers the order to stop the battle by chasing the remaining enemy troops from the field. If you hear your field commander give the order for a bayonet charge, you can assume that you are on the winning side of an almost-finished fight.
Most actual bayonet fights occur not on a battlefield but in close combat situations in villages, woods, or gardens or on highly irregular, broken terrain.
Aiming at an opponent’s breast may lead to impalement of the breastbone, making removal of the bayonet very difficult.
HOW TO SURVIVE DEATH
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HOW TO SURVIVE BEING BURIED ALIVE
1 Conserve your air supply.
If you are buried in a typical coffin, you will have enough air to survive for an hour or two at most. Take deep breaths, then hold for as long as possible before exhaling. Do not breathe and then swallow, which will lead to hyper-ventilation. Do not light a match or lighter. Combustion will quickly use your available oxygen. It is safe to use a flashlight if you have one. Do not yell. Yelling will lead to panic, which will increase your heart rate and lead to fast breathing that will rapidly consume your air supply.
2 Press up on the coffin lid with your hands.
An inexpensive “pine box” (chipboard coffin) or a recycled paperboard coffin will have some give to it, so it will be relatively easy to break through. If you feel flex in the coffin lid, continue to step 3. A metal-clad or hardwood coffin will be impossible to pierce. In this case, your only hope is to signal for rescue. Use a metal object (ring, belt buckle, coin, flask, pen) to signal that you are alive. Tap SOS, the international distress signal, on the coffin lid: three quick taps, followed by three slower taps, followed by three quick taps. Continue to repeat the distress call until someone hears you.
3 Remove your shirt.
Cross your arms over your chest, then uncross your arms so that your elbows are bent and your hands are at your shoulders. Pull your shirt up and off your head from the shoulders, do a partial sit-up (as much as you can in the space available), then pull your shirt over your head and off.
4 Tie the bottom of the shirt in a knot.
The shirt should have only one large opening, at the neck, as does a bag.
5 Place your head through the neck hole.
The knot should be on the top of your head. The shirt will prevent you from suffocating on loose earth.
6 Break through the coffin.
Using your feet, begin kicking the coffin lid. A cheap coffin may have already split from the weight of the earth above, making your job easier. Break apart the lid with your hands and feet, and let the loose dirt rush in.
7 Use your hands to push the dirt toward your feet.
There should be some space at the bottom end of the cof fin, below your feet. As the dirt rushes in, work quickly but calmly to fill the space at your feet. When this space fills up, push dirt to your sides. Breathe slowly and regularly.
Your shirt will prevent you from suffocating on loose earth.
8 Sit up.
As you move to a seated position, the loose earth above will move to fill the space you just occupied. As the dirt falls, continue to push it into the coffin until you can stand up.
9 Stand.
Once you are standing, you should be able to push the dirt above you up and out of the grave. When you have cleared all the dirt above you, climb out.
WARNING!
A recently interred coffin will be covered with loose earth that is relatively easy to dig through.
Escaping from a coffin interred during a rainstorm will be difficult. The compacted weight of the wet earth will make digging almost impossible.
The higher the clay content of the soil, the more difficult your escape will be.
HOW TO MAKE A DEAL WITH DEATH
1 State your proposal up front.
Let Death know from the outset how much time you’d like and how you’d like to go.
2 Don’t accept Death’s first offer.
Death is obligated to take a hard line. Don’t let yourself be shaken by Death’s insistence on a “right here, right now” stance.
3 Make Death a counteroffer.
Find a realistic middle ground between your offer and the one Death proposes. For example, if he says, “Tomorrow, wolves,” respond with, “Five years from now, skiing accident.”
4 Don’t appear too enthusiastic.
Make it seem like continued life isn’t that big a deal to you.
5 Keep it professional.
Death will not respond to pleading, crying, or complaining about unfairness. Death has heard it all before.
6 Look Death in the eye.
Or if Death has come in his traditional guise, look into the black vortex beneath Death’s cowl.
7 Ask to speak to Death’s supervisor.
Tell him you cannot agree to die without speaking directly to God about the matter.
8 Finalize.
Put the final agreement in writing, and sign it in blood.
9 Use the “nibbling” negotiation technique.
At the last possible moment, demand more concessions. As Death reaches forward to sign the contract, say, “Oh, this does include reincarnation, right?”
Is Your Pet Really Dead?
Cats often sleep without moving for hours, dogs can be lazy, reptiles are cold-blooded and still, fish with parasites sometimes float upside down at the surface, and opossums are well known for feigning. Observe the pet’s chest: if it rises and falls, even very slowly, the animal is still alive. Hold a mirror to the pet’s nose. If no condensation appears, the animal is probably dead. Pick up the animal. If it does not move and its body is stiff and cold, it has passed away. As a last resort, check the involuntary blinking reflex: lightly touch the pet’s cornea. Any animal that is alive will blink reflexively.
HOW TO BEAT DEATH AT CHESS
Distract Death.
Point over Death’s shoulder and ask, “Hey, is that Elvis?” When he looks, quickly and quietly move one of your pieces to a more advantageous position.
Question Death.
Ask Death if he’s sure that’s his next move. If he says yes, raise your eyebrows and say, “Okay, that’s cool.” If Death then says, “Wait, hold on a second,” sigh heavily and say, “Fine.”
Go to the bathroom.
While in the restroom, consult a strategy book or miniature board.
Use accomplices.
Many people hold a grudge against Death and may be enlisted to distract him or surreptitiously feed you moves.
Demand a rematch. Complain loudly about every aspect of the game. Appeal to Death’s vanity by saying, “If you really want to win that way, fine. Whatever. Kill me.”
Ask to play Scrabble instead.
Death is terrible at Scrabble.
Distract Death and improve your game position while he’s not looking.
HOW TO SURVIVE AN ACCIDENT IN WHICH YOU WERE MEANT TO DIE
Avoid public transportation.
Do not ride or go near buses, trains, shuttles, trams, trolleys, pedicabs, or horse-drawn carriages.
Avoid
private transportation.
Do not ride or go near cars, vans, trucks, minivans, bicycles, tricycles, motorcycles, or motorcycle sidecars.
Take baths.
Do not take showers. Before running the water for your bath, unplug all electric devices and lock the bathroom door; while running the water, check the temperature constantly. Stay in the bath only long enough to clean yourself and never more than four minutes.
Avoid gigantic neon signs.
Do not swim.
Don’t go in the ocean, do laps at the gym, or go to your friend’s backyard pool, especially if it is equipped with a suctioning drain.
Do not go near guns.
Avoid pistols, rifles, handguns, shotguns, BB guns, and nail guns.
Avoid rickety fire-escape ladders.
Avoid trucks with cherry pickers.
Avoid fire.
Do not touch matches, gasoline, downed electric cables, ovens, stoves, or torches. Do not smoke, and do not be friends with or go near people who smoke.
Do not walk by rickety scaffolding.
Do not attempt to rescue other people from death.
Do not go near chain-link fencing.
Be wary of large objects, such as carbon dioxide tanks, that can smash your body into the fencing, thereby dicing it into small pieces.
Do not take elevators.
Do not ride roller coasters.
Do not go near horses.
In fact, avoid animals of all kinds.
WARNING!
The only way to permanently remove Death’s attention, after you have survived an accident in which you were meant to die, is to purposefully put yourself in a near-fatal situation and then survive.
Means of Communicating with the Dead
MEANS OF COMMUNICATION: Séance
THE BASICS: Small group chants in dark, invites the dead.
PROS: Dramatic.
CONS: May take many tries to work.
MEANS OF COMMUNICATION: Ouija board
THE BASICS: Board game contacts the other side.
PROS: Fun for parties.
CONS: May accidentally invite demons.
MEANS OF COMMUNICATION: Waking dream
THE BASICS: Spirit met in supernatural desert of the soul.
PROS: Subject feels like rock star or guru.
CONS: Subject always wakes up before the really good part.
MEANS OF COMMUNICATION: Hire a medium
THE BASICS: Professional dead-whisperer delivers your message.
PROS: Can hand off messy personal issues.
CONS: Medium gets all the credit if things go well.
MEANS OF COMMUNICATION: Channeling
THE BASICS: Invite dead person to take over your body.
PROS: Extremely intimate.
CONS: Will they ever leave?
MEANS OF COMMUNICATION: Visiting the underworld
THE BASICS: Journey to hell in company of Virgil.
PROS: Can ask the damned anything you want.
CONS: May get extremely hot.
MEANS OF COMMUNICATION: Skype
THE BASICS: Internet video link.
PROS: Picture-in-picture spiritual communication.
CONS: Service spotty in lowest levels of hell.
HOW TO TELL IF YOU’RE DEAD
It is a rare but not unheard-of phenomenon that a person will die and become a ghost while remaining unaware of this change in status.
The “grammar check.”
When people speak about you, note whether they do so in the present or past tense.
The “appropriateness check.”
Listen for the sorts of statements people avoid in the presence of a living person, such as “I never told her I loved her” or “I never liked that guy.”
The “interaction check.”
Note whether other individuals respond when you speak directly to them. Eliminate other reasons for ignoring you, such as inappropriate behavior or poor hygiene.
Consult an expert.
Find someone who speaks to dead people professionally, such as a medium or creepy psychic child, and ask them whether you are a ghost.
Judge your ability to have a physical affect.
You may be able to lift and hold certain objects, but these may be spirit-objects that only you can see. Try performing an action with the object, such as hitting a baseball or another person.
The “fork check.”
Poke yourself in the forearm with a fork, the point of a pencil, or another sharp object. Does it hurt?
Poke yourself ‘with a fork to test for solidity and pain response.
Attempt to fly.
Squeeze your eyes shut tightly and imagine yourself soaring across the air, ducking in and out of moonbeams. Open your eyes and note whether or not you are actually doing so.
Try to speak to other dead people.
Speak to people who you know have passed away, and see if you receive a response.
Look at yourself in the mirror.
Are you there?
WARNING!
Having a conversation with a seemingly living person does not always mean you are alive; it is possible that the speaker is also dead, and neither one of you is aware of it.
HOW TO GET THE DEAD TO LEAVE YOU ALONE
1 Be firm.
Once a ghost is aware that it can reach you, it may not have a sense of personal boundaries and will try to talk your ear off. When the ghost appears, use a firm, calm voice (both inner and audible) to compel it to depart. Be consistent; even if the ghost returns in a more compelling form, repeat your desire for it to stop talking to you.
2 Block inner channels.
If you have been hosting séances or other reaching-out activities, cease them immediately. Imagine a happy, soothing “place of peace,” and think of it anytime thoughts of death or spirits begin to well up in your mind.
3 Stay busy.
Ghosts in search of human connection may glom onto those with excessive spare time. Spend more time at work and develop a more active social life.
4 Move.
Many ghosts are moored to a particular location. Relocate to a new place, ensuring first that it is not built over the site of an old burial ground or abandoned mental hospital.
5 Satisfy their requests.
Perform whatever action the ghost is asking you specifically to do, such as returning the gold you stole and thought no one knew about or reburying his improperly interred body.
ALIENS
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HOW TO SURVIVE AN ALIEN ABDUCTION
1 Remain calm.
Aliens who abduct human beings rarely exert permanent physical harm on their victims. The best strategy is to remain calm and endure the experience without resistance.
2 Cover your eyes.
Press the inside of your elbow tightly over your face to shield your eyes from the painfully bright white lights that accompany abduction.
3 Focus on remaining conscious.
Nearly all abductees are rendered insensible during the period of abduction and only recover the memory later. Maintain active awareness by pinching yourself or digging your nails into your thighs. Chant, “I am awake, I am alive, I am awake, I am alive,” as you are tractor-beamed or ushered up the staircase of light that leads onto the ship.
4 Be observant.
Noting every aspect of the ship’s interior, including the color and shape of the aliens themselves, will distract your mind from its terror and increase your ability to later communicate the details of your experience.
Remember to shield your eyes from the blinding lights of alien technology.
5 Be cooperative.
Obey the aliens’ instructions, which may range from removing your false teeth to learning an alien language or even making love to an alien.
6 Call someone.
When the aliens deposit you back on Earth, immediately contact a friend or law-enforcement official to report your experience. The longer you wait,
the less likely you are to be believed.
7 Spread the message.
Tell as many people as possible any warnings the aliens have asked you to communicate.
Close Encounters by Kind
ENCOUNTER NUMBER: Close Encounter of the First Kind (CE1)
DESCRIPTION: Sighting of UFO.
HOW YOU KNOW YOU’VE HAD ONE: You see strange lights or a flying saucer.
ENCOUNTER NUMBER: Close Encounter of the Second Kind (CE2)
DESCRIPTION: UFO has effect on environment.
HOW YOU KNOW YOU’VE HAD ONE: In presence of UFO, your car stalls or becomes superheated; you are paralyzed.
ENCOUNTER NUMBER: Close Encounter of the Third Kind (CE3)
DESCRIPTION: Aliens emerge from UFO.
HOW YOU KNOW YOU’VE HAD ONE: You see an alien being.
ENCOUNTER NUMBER: Close Encounter of the Fourth Kind (CE4)
DESCRIPTION: Abduction.
HOW YOU KNOW YOU’VE HAD ONE: You are brought aboard an alien ship, or you experience a gap in memory and wake with physical scars and painful and confusing memories.
ENCOUNTER NUMBER: Close Encounter of the Fifth Kind (CE5)
DESCRIPTION: Human-initiated contact.
HOW YOU KNOW YOU’VE HAD ONE: Using communication devices or telepathy, you send/ receive messages with aliens.
ENCOUNTER NUMBER: Close Encounter of the Sixth Kind (CE6)
DESCRIPTION: Alien attack.
HOW YOU KNOW YOU’VE HAD ONE: After a CE2 or CE3, you have a major, life-threatening injury or are dead.
ENCOUNTER NUMBER: Close Encounter of the Seventh Kind (CE7)
Ultimate Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook Page 43