Jessica drove around for hours so the years of pain could drain out. Aunt Lodi would say hours are not long enough, but Jessica knew that despite her running away, she would have to face a sober Paul. She needed a game plan, one that included telling her daughter. She did not want Paulina finding out the truth about her father on the Maury Povich show.
Entering her mother’s house unnoticed, Jessica slipped into the guest room without turning on any lights and sat on the chair facing the window. She began taking cleansing breaths to help center her while focusing on the night sky, all dark with barely a hint of stars. How different from home. Jessica never realized that the only place that felt like home was the UP. She loved the beauty of the night sky, the stars that connected to each other in never ending brightness. How the moon would shine a path of light from above to guide one on a walk through the woods. And the air—how clean and fresh it smelled. It was almost forgiving in that every day the dew, the rain, the snow, never had the same dull smell. It was as if nature was granting one a new start despite one’s old self.
For the next hour, Jessica sat in complete solitude, feeling a mist move through her as if she were part of the landscape. With only the street lamp outside to guide her out of darkness, she went through scenario after scenario, trying to plan the best way to blow up Paulina’s world. Jessica clamored into bed only to toss and turn, and woke with a pounding headache, not feeling like she slept at all. Jessica did not want to deal with her mother or Paulina and their questions about where she went last night. The only thing on her waking mind was talking to a sober Paul, trying to convince him she deserved forgiveness. But thoughts of wanting him kept sliding into her mind, finally admitting how attracted she was to him. The only thing that bothered her was that he was not as tall as she remembered. He stood about five foot ten, and she thought it funny that although Matt was not as strikingly handsome as Paul, she liked that he was six foot. His height and size made her feel really safe. She loved when Matt would engulf her in a hug or try to pull her in for a playful kiss. She could not help but smile about this. It really surprised her how much thinking about Matt made her feel happy, made her feel like she was complete. But she could not deny that Paul was occupying most of her thoughts. Even though she and Matt lived together, she never completely gave herself to him—partly out of shame, partly due to loving the memory of Paul.
Jessica abruptly rolled to her side to wipe those thoughts away, putting a pillow on top of her head. She didn’t want to think about Matt anymore; she already had enough guilt. Her attention needed to be spent on a plan to make Paul see that this was not her fault and to figure out how to tell Paulina that the father she thought was dead had been resurrected.
To her surprise, everyone was gone when she got up. There was a note on the island in the kitchen stating some “loose ends” needed to be cleared up and that Mom, Paulina, and Jason had left to take care of them. Aunt Lodi was also gone taking care of some personal business. They would all meet back for dinner together later in the evening. Jessica’s fingers felt like icicles as she touched her cell phone, thought for a few minutes, then sat at the island and texted Paul.
“Can we please talk? I’m free until late afternoon. Tell me where to meet.” She read it over and over then decided to finish it off by writing, “I know you hate me, but please give me time to explain.” She fixated on it for five minutes before finally pressing send. Jessica put the phone down quickly and placed her head on the island. It felt cold and smooth, a nice counter to her prickly, anger-filled world.
An hour later, she received a response: “Meet at noon—6142 W. Rolling.” Jessica started shaking at the thought. She believed that address was his mother’s home and was unsure if she still lived there, but the thought made her start to cry. Despite the horrific way she departed from Paul, feelings of nostalgia about time spent together, especially in the basement of that house, were too much to bear. Jessica lay on the guest bed and cried hard, sobbing tears. She was coming home for the first time in seventeen years.
Chapter 25
Jessica’s wardrobe choices were black, black, and more black. Staring at the ink-like cloth, she started to feel like Johnny Cash, remembering a time long ago listening to his voice being belted out of speakers in Paul’s home. Jessica decided on dark jeans and a fitted, black pinstriped short-sleeved shirt she wore to the wake, grabbing a thin silver belt from Paulina’s bag to balance the outfit. She felt it important to make the appearance that she was put together, despite how she truly felt inside. Purposefully, Jessica let the natural waves in her hair come out and only put on a little makeup. She pulled out a pair of heels, but then decided she did not want to be taller than Paul, so she traded them in for a lower pair.
Paul’s childhood home was two minutes from her mother’s. As Jessica rolled to a stop, she noticed the outside had been landscaped and well maintained. The bushes under the window were trimmed and the spring flowers in bloom intertwined with a garden that flourished in the summer. The grass was thick and green, edged to perfection.
Jessica made her way up the flawless concrete stairs but before she rang the bell, the inside door opened. Paul, looking tired and gray, pushed open the screen door with one arm and gave her a slight “hi” as she apprehensively smiled and stepped inside. Jessica was stunned at how clean and modern the living room looked. Before she could comment on how impressed she was on the changes that were made, Paul closed the doors.
“We can talk up here or in the basement. No one’s home, so I thought this would be the best place.”
Jessica could not help but notice Paul’s well-defined body. His tight-fitting tee showed toned arm muscles and that he had a six-pack despite being in his thirties. And his eyes held the same pristine blue pond she swam in long ago, although right now they looked a bit on the bloodshot side.
“It doesn’t matter,” Jessica said quietly.
“I want to apologize for swearing at you yesterday. I was drunk, but I never should’ve made it seem like I was gonna hurt you.”
“No, I understand … about the angry drunk part.”
“Did you think I was gonna hurt you? My friends restrained me because they thought I was gonna go after you.”
Jessica looked at him deeply and intently. “I didn’t think you’d hit me, but you did scare me a little.”
Paul nodded. “Well,” he said, looking away, “I would never put a hand on you or any other woman.” As he finished, he looked back at her. “I would think you’d remember that about me.”
Jessica wanted to cry, but she held on tight inside, changing the subject about who still lived there. Paul’s mother still resided in the home and an occasional younger brother. It appeared Paul was the only brother to make something of himself. Jessica and Paul found their way to a white leather couch and sat down on opposite ends. Paul’s mom inherited the bar she worked at, and it was doing great business. She was dating a “nice” guy and cleaned up her life. Danny, Marcus, and Brian all did time—mostly drug possession and selling, nothing violent. All his siblings had children but only one was married.
“Brian fared the best. I think because his dad tried to be in his life. When he got out of jail, he came back around, like he promised.”
“So Brian’s married?”
“Yeah, besides me,” Paul stated. “He’s trying to be a dad.”
Jessica couldn’t help but notice the family portrait of Paul, his wife, and kids on a bookshelf in the living room. Paul followed Jessica’s stare and asked if she would like to see it. Before Jessica could respond, Paul was up and removing the picture from the bookshelf. He looked at it with a big smile and sat back down, not passing it off to Jessica but turned it so she could look at the picture from afar. Jessica’s breath hitched when noticing how much his children resembled Paulina: deep blue eyes, auburn hair, and rosy cheeks. She inhaled to get her breathing on track, taking notice that his wife looked a lot like a girl they went to high school with.
�
�This is Lexi, she’s thirteen, Garret’s eleven, and Conner is six,” Paul said proudly, “and my wife, Alicia, you may remember her from high school.”
“Didn’t she date Danny?” Jessica asked as her heart started to ache again.
“Yeah, but he didn’t know how to treat a girl, and you were gone, so we found each other.” He looked away for a minute and then back again. “Quite frankly she took the sting away from you leaving.”
Tears filled Jessica’s eyes. “I never left because I wanted to.” Jessica put her head down and a small tear fell. “When my parents found out I was pregnant, well, actually the night my father found out, they sent me away. My mother packed my bags and I was put in the car headed to my Aunt Lodi’s in Michigan. I was led to believe my father killed you,” she said with a slight grin. “I think my father believed that he was saving me, keeping me safe from your bad habits. I also think he was embarrassed, his only daughter pregnant at sixteen, under his watch. He couldn’t handle that.” Jessica looked to see how Paul was reacting but couldn’t read his face. They sat in silence for a few minutes until Paul, who started shaking his head slightly, spoke.
“Your dad saved me.”
“What?” Jessica said in disbelief.
“Your dad saved me,” Paul said, meeting her eyes. “After you left, I ran myself into the ground. I took off with Gary and all we did was get drunk and high. When I came back a few months later, I still got drunk and high, but I started selling coke and fighting. One night, guys in an unmarked picked me up. I had marijuana and coke on me. I thought they were gonna bust me but they drove me around instead. They took me on patrol and talked to me. They did this to me for months: busting me, taking me on patrol, and talking to me. Finally I gave in. I remember the night: it was windy and raining. I could not stop looking at the rain; it felt like I was getting baptized. It was at that moment that I decided I needed to get my life in order. When they dropped me off in front of the house, I stood on the grass in the rain with my arms out and hands up. I looked up at that stormy sky and closed my eyes. I let the rain wash away everything that I had done bad. I even let it wash away you.” Jessica was crying softly as she pulled Kleenex from her purse to dab her eyes and nose.
“One of those ‘cops’ was your dad.” Paul paused for a moment. “Your dad could’ve sent me to jail, but instead he showed me that I could be a man, that I could have a legal career. I’m a cop because of your dad. Your dad thought he was protecting you by sending you away. He didn’t know any better. Just like my dad, or Marcus’s, or Danny’s. They knew they weren’t responsible men; no way could they teach us how to be one, so they left for our sake. They gave us the only selfless gift they could.”
Jessica soaked in his words. “Are you saying you agree with my father sending me away?”
“You see my daughter Lexi?” Paul pointed to her in the picture. “I have so much love and protective feelings for her. If she told me she was pregnant at sixteen and I found out the shithead was selling drugs, had no dad in his life, and didn’t know how to be a man, I think I may have done the same thing.”
“You make it sound as if you were a loser, someone who belonged in jail.”
“Back then I wasn’t on the straight and narrow. Don’t you remember that about me?”
“I know we were opposites with drugs and stuff, but not in connection. You opened me up. I lost my virginity to you. Do you think I would do that with a loser?”
Jessica felt Paul look at her with love for the first time since they saw each other again. “No. I know you didn’t think I was a loser, but I didn’t think I was good enough to be with you. Being with you made me feel like I could be someone, you know, like someone normal. You were the healthiest thing in my life, but your dad gave me something that I craved—a role model. He mentored me without me really knowing why. I always wanted to ask him but I rarely saw him after that. Plus, I had no idea he was your dad. I knew him as Big Jim. Eddie Ripp told me he died but didn’t tell me his last name. I figured it out after the funeral.”
Jessica paused for a few moments, letting every word become clearer in her head. “So my father, Big Jim, saved you because he mentored you and you’re grateful.” Jessica gauged her words carefully. “I wish I could be that insightful, but I’m full of anger and shame. I believed you were dead, by the hands of my own father. All these years I have lived my life with your death blanketing every moment. What you’re telling me, my father ‘saving you,’ that’s great, but he didn’t save me from a life of sadness. He made me believe he killed you.”
Jessica and Paul were locked in a stare until Jessica spoke again. “I was wrong to believe you were dead, and even more terrible for not making an effort to come back to Chicago and search for you. And right now I’m so afraid you hate me.” Jessica could not hold down the sob. Paul moved in closer, his family picture sliding to the floor. He clasped her hand. “I don’t hate you. I could never hate you.” He looked at her deeply. “You were my first love, and truthfully, a piece of my heart is still yours.” Jessica looked at those eyes, those eyes that drove her crazy at fifteen and were still making her heart jump at thirty-four. Before she could soak in the moment, Paul moved in closer and kissed her softly on the lips. They were wet with tears. When Jessica tasted the saltiness, it baited her desire of wanting him completely again. Paul’s lips spoke to her, telling her he needed to take away her pain, to love her in the innocent way he did years ago, when they were young and naïve. Paul took her face gently into his hands. “You are still so beautiful,” he sang softly. He leaned in again but this time the kiss was longer. Jessica’s heart decided to take her head for a ride. She was sixteen, in Paul’s basement, making love to the only boy she ever felt true love for.
Chapter 26
Jessica’s and Paul’s naked bodies were intertwined when she woke up. She was surprised that she had fallen asleep after they made love. Her body and mind felt light and free, like she was given a reprieve from a life sentence. Looking at Paul’s beautiful still face, Jessica smiled, knowing he still loved her and could forgive the secret she unknowingly kept from him all those years. Smelling his freshly showered skin pressed against hers sent pangs of lust throughout her body. She had not felt that way since she was in his arms in high school. Jessica delicately nestled into his body, craving his heat, wanting to penetrate his skin. All she could think about was being with Paul, making love to him again and again, eating take-out naked, and giving each other loving looks as if they were newlyweds on their honeymoon. This thought made beams of light extend from every pore in her body.
The chimes of the clock in the basement rang four times, jerking her back to reality. She needed to return to her mother’s house immediately, knowing everyone would be waiting for her to eat dinner. Her head felt burdened, realizing the load of questions that would be knocked into her by Paulina, in public, and Aunt Lodi in private, as to her whereabouts since last night. She didn’t feel strong enough to pull off the lie she would now have to make up. And the other looming reality that she was unable to block out: that she lived in Michigan with a man named Matt, and that he was a good and loyal man and this would break his heart. Jessica started to ache over a new shade of shame. How could I do this to him? How could I betray him like this? The relief and excitement she felt only minutes ago briskly departed. Jessica lifted Paul’s arm and leg off of her. He twitched a little but remained in the same spot. She grabbed her clothing from the far wall it was tossed toward and put it on hastily.
The honeymoon was over.
Jessica held onto her belt and didn’t put her shoes on thinking it would be better to tiptoe out the door, as if she’d never been there. Taking one last glance at Paul, Jessica imaged being wrapped up to his naked body and hearing him tell her how beautiful she was again, touching her in all the right places, and kissing her gently all over her body. Tears came to her eyes as she opened the front door and stepped onto the porch, holding her shoes, purse, and belt. After carefully closing
the door, she turned to climb down the steps and there he was. She thought her guilty mind was playing a trick on her so she shook her head, only to see the same image. He was parked directly behind her truck. He looked at her for a few seconds then turned away. This is not happening, this is not happening, was all Jessica could think. Her body started to tremble and needles poked through her skin. As she walked down the steps, she felt her legs about to give way so she grabbed onto the railing for support, finally making it to the bottom. Jessica walked towards his truck, her hands shaking and breathing labored.
“What are you doing … ?”
“What are you doing?” Matt asked. His face was tense. “Why are you carrying your shoes and belt?”
“Um.” Jessica looked at the items as if they held the answer Matt was looking for. As she continued to go through a Rolodex of lies in her head, she heard a screen door squeak open. There, standing half-naked, was Paul. His bottom half was wrapped in a small blanket from the couch. Jessica’s eyes got big. Matt’s eyes, however, got small. He looked Paul’s way and then back at Jessica. The look of tension was gone, and his face became flushed as his eyes started to cloud up. He shook his head slowly, as if he also could not believe this was happening.
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