Marilee smiled lovingly. “Tell me about him.”
“Oh look, there’s that cute boy Matt. Remember him?” Aunt Lodi asked as Jessica pushed Paulina’s stroller through the draft horse barn at the UP state fair. Jason, now ten, was gobbling cotton candy and pulling off little pieces for Paulina, who was now three. Jessica’s return to the state fair had been Aunt Lodi’s idea, trying to pry Jessica out of the beehive she hid herself in. Jessica was attending college, but had no social life to speak of because she rejected all invites from classmates. Eventually, their efforts faded away.
“Yes, I remember,” Jessica whispered. “But don’t say one word to him.”
“It’s good to see you again, Matt,” Aunt Lodi said, ignoring Jessica’s narrow eyes.
Matt looked at them cautiously and then grinned. “The folks from Chicago.”
As Aunt Lodi engaged him in conversation, Jessica found herself trying to hide but having nowhere to go. Paulina was starting to make a fuss about the lack of motion so Jessica picked her up and tried to distract her by looking at the beautiful horse, Moses. Jessica recalled their last encounter and felt drawn to him again.
“You can come on in and touch him,” Matt said.
Jessica walked into the stall, quietly talking to Paulina so she would not become frightened by the horse’s size. But truthfully, Paulina rarely withdrew from new experiences, which only reinforced how strong Paul’s DNA was not only in her looks, but also in her personality.
Jessica could feel Matt’s eyes on them. “Who’s the cutie?”
“This is Paulina … my daughter,” she said, trying not to sound defensive. Sometimes people would judge Jessica because of her teenage mother status.
Matt smiled at Paulina. “Well hello. You want to see Moses?”
Jessica watched Paulina size Matt up, and then she finally gave him a toothy grin and said yes. Jessica held her up to Moses so she could reach out and touch his body. Paulina stroked his shoulder blade for less than a minute and then started pounding her fists on him, yelling, “Come on horsey, Go, Go, Go.” Jessica pulled away and gently scolded while Matt laughed.
“I know,” Aunt Lodi said, “feisty.”
“Looks like she’s more like Dad than Mom,” Matt said.
Matt’s accurate assessment caught Jessica by surprise, and she could not help but give him a small smile. Jessica took special care in how she interacted with men, never wanting their attention, never wanting to love another man again.
“Hey babe,” said a blond girl who walked toward Matt with a welcoming smile. She looked like the same girl Jessica had remembered during their first meeting many years back.
Matt leaned over and gave her a kiss, pulling away slowly. Jessica started to place Paulina back into her stroller, but she started screeching and arching her back, making it impossible for Jessica to place her in easily. As Jessica wrestled with her, a swell of incompetence rushed through her but was quickly pushed back by Matt’s voice.
“Now stop giving your mom trouble, little one,” he said as he approached Paulina’s stroller. Paulina stopped squirming to look up at him, and Jessica took advantage of the moment and quickly snapped the straps.
“Good girl. You just made your mom happy,” Matt said and then looked at the blond girl, who was laughing at him.
“You are too much,” she said, walking over and grabbing his hand.
Aunt Lodi thanked them and then asked when they were getting married. Jessica swung her head and looked at the girl’s ring finger. On it was a thin gold band with a small round diamond.
“As soon as she graduates from veterinary school,” Matt said. “In two years.”
“Well congratulations, and veterinary school—how wonderful,” Aunt Lodi said as Jessica gave a weak smile and started pushing Paulina away from all that happiness. It was just too hard to be around young love.
Jessica, Paulina, Aunt Lodi, and Jason continued to attend the state fair yearly, making it a point to visit with Moses and Matt, along with his wife, Anne. Matt and Anne were friendly greeters, making Jessica and everyone feel like extended family members. When Matt and Anne got married, Aunt Lodi gave them a small wedding gift and Jessica tried hard not to make her body feel like stone as Matt gave them each a hug. Matt and Anne were at the state fair one more time after that, then they vanished for two years. That second year Aunt Lodi inquired as to their whereabouts and they were told, by Matt’s brother Seth, that Anne had cancer. Matt and Anne had moved to Minnesota to be closer to the Mayo Clinic where she was being treated.
Matt returned to the state fair, alone, when Jessica was twenty-five and Paulina eight. Aunt Lodi approached him as if he were an injured animal, and Jessica watched as tears built up in the corner of his eyes. Without even asking what had happened, Aunt Lodi said, “I’m so sorry, Matt,” and reached for his hand. He took hold of it and nodded, looking from her face to the ground, over and over again, his other hand wiping away tears that fell softly from his eyes.
“She’s in a better place. No more suffering,” he repeated a few times.
Jessica tried not to look at Matt’s face because she felt herself sliding back into a terrible undercurrent of sadness, one that she worked very hard in the last few years to swim away from. But his tears and the pain in his voice, his hunched over body, it all reminded Jessica of the grief she felt for Paul.
Before she could turn the valve to “off,” tears streaked down Jessica’s face. Matt looked up, let go of Aunt Lodi’s hand, and walked toward her.
“You know this pain, don’t you?” Matt said, looking deeply into her eyes.
Jessica looked up at him and, before she could stop herself, nodded and stepped closer where they quickly embraced each other in their sorrow.
It was Aunt Lodi who suggested they take a walk to clear away some of the air. It had become stagnant with pain.
Matt guided Jessica to a remote part of the fairgrounds, where RVs and campers were parked for the weeklong event. He led her to a small clearing past the RVs, under a few white pines, and they sat on a bed of soft needles. Matt shared the details of watching Anne battle the disease, how each new treatment was met with joy and hope, but with each failure came a piece of her life: first the hair, then the weight, then the light in her eyes. He sat next to Anne as she withered away, and he felt much of his own heart wither away too. Jessica shared that her one and only true love had died at the hands of her father. That she felt responsible for his death and was reminded of Paul every day because of Paulina. Matt’s face turned from anguish to shock.
“Your own father killed the father of your daughter? How could that be?”
“My father’s very powerful.”
“Shouldn’t you call the authorities?” Matt asked.
“No … my father is the authorities.”
Matt continued to stare at her and Jessica was starting to feel like she was under a microscope, on a petri dish of insanity. She quickly asked Matt another question to change the topic of her nightmare back to his.
They talked for over an hour, and the sun was starting to fade past the horizon as a whisper of a breeze blew. In the distance, a man’s voice came over the loudspeaker announcing the start of the demolition car derby in the grandstand, and the draft horse pull contest that would be starting in the horse arena in thirty minutes.
“Are you staying to watch?” Matt asked.
“Yes. I have Paulina hooked on it now. I think she’s a groupie, like me.”
Matt laughed for the first time since they spoke. “Groupie, huh? Now that’s something I’ve never heard about in draft horse pulling.” He slowly lifted himself off the ground, reaching his arm out so Jessica would have a steady hand to grab onto in order to pull herself up.
“Thank you,” she said, and then bent over to wipe pine needles from her jeans.
“Thank you too, Jessica. I really needed someone else to talk to. My family and Anne’s family are great, but they keep looking at me like I’m broken
. I’m tired of being looked at like damaged property.”
Jessica felt the same way although for her it was all internal. She gave him a nod, and they walked in comfortable silence until they reached the draft horse barn. Matt shared that he claimed Moses once he realized how much better care he took of him than his brother and confided that without Moses, he probably would not have a contending team.
At the end of the night, Jessica surprised herself with the excitement she felt because Matt’s team won, even beating two of his older brothers.
“Aren’t you going to say good-bye to Matt?” Aunt Lodi asked as they were making their way off the metal risers to leave the arena.
“No, we’ll see him next year,” Jessica said.
“But I want to say good-bye to Moses,” Paulina said.
Jason looked at them and quirked his eye. “Man, you guys love horses. I just don’t get it.”
Jessica looked toward the back, which led to an enclosed dirt arena outside where many men had gathered their teams. Some talked and others loaded their horses onto stock trailers to drive back home. Jessica could see Matt, and who she believed were some of his brothers, and his father, who did not compete this year. They were talking with a group of overweight men, who wore caps on their heads and sleeveless shirts.
“Next year,” Jessica said, and the four of them stepped out of the stuffy arena and into the cool night air.
Later that night, after saying good night to Paulina and Jason, Aunt Lodi mentioned she was surprised by Jessica’s out of character response to Matt’s grief.
“I don’t know what came over me,” Jessica said. “One minute I’m listening to him, the next I’m in his arms. My tears came up so fast that I couldn’t control them.”
“Controlling tears is not what you should be practicing anyway. How do you expect to heal when you’re still smothering your feelings?”
Jessica had no answers for that. In fact, she was searching for an answer as to why she would allow herself to be in Matt’s arms in the first place. She was also searching on how to erase the reality that it felt really calming.
When the state fair came around the following year, Jessica’s plan was to avoid Matt, fearing her body would give away that she wanted to be closer to him than any man since Paul. That was a feeling and action she was not willing to take a risk on. But Aunt Lodi would not have it.
“I know what you’re trying to do, and it’s not going to work. I won’t let you deny something that can bring you and Paulina some true happiness.”
Matt was talking to a group of men when Jessica, Aunt Lodi, Paulina, and Jason walked up to his stall.
“Hey there,” Matt said. “It’s good to see all of you.”
Everyone greeted Matt, but Jessica lost her ability to speak. She had planned on saying hello and making small talk, then walking away, but she felt a warmth flow through her veins and even a small knot form in her gut. Matt was likeable. In fact, Matt made her think about things that she had only reserved for Paul.
“Jessica,” Matt said. “It’s really good to see you again.”
Jessica grinned with embarrassment and then said hello.
“You look great, Matt. I mean really, you have a spark of life in those eyes of yours again,” Aunt Lodi remarked.
Matt thanked her and told them about his life now. That he had spent the last year throwing his time back into his farm and the horses, and partnered with a charity in Anne’s honor.
“I have to move forward,” Matt said. “Anne would want me to.”
Jessica noticed that Matt sent those words towards where she was standing. As Jessica looked up, she became engaged in Matt’s eyes, struggling to pull away even after Aunt Lodi suggested they take another walk.
“I’d like that. What about you, Jessica?” Matt asked.
Jessica hesitated and looked at Paulina, afraid that she would see how transparent her feelings were for Matt. Even though Paulina knew nothing about Paul, Jessica felt a sense of loyalty towards his memory because of Paulina.
“Go, Mom,” Paulina said, while Jason gave a smirk that reminded her of when he would get into trouble by their mother for misbehaving when their father was gone. Jessica finally relented.
They walked and talked for two hours, and Jessica realized how much she missed the attention of a man. And Matt felt so strong to her. She loved his size and that he was in good shape but not like a weight lifter; his muscles were more natural because of his profession.
Matt took her for ice cream, and they sat on a picnic table eating while many balding men and a few chubby women stopped to chat with him.
“You’re a popular guy,” Jessica said while they caught a brief break from the steady stream of people.
“That’s what you get when you’ve been in a small town your whole life. And I’ve been coming here since I was a baby. Many of those old timers knew me when I was holding a bottle.”
Jessica found solace in that thought, and her body started to let its guard down. Her muscles, including her heart, relaxed and she felt, for a fleeting moment, carefree.
As they were walking back to the horse barn, Matt asked if he could call her sometime.
“I like your company. And you understand how I feel about everything, you know, with Anne.”
Jessica was on uneven ground, scared to say yes but afraid to say no. Remembering Aunt Lodi’s words, she finally decided to push herself to take a chance.
“Okay,” she said with a tight smile.
When they returned to the barn, they exchanged information, Matt placing it directly into his phone.
Before Jessica left to join the others on the risers to watch the competition, Matt thanked her again for being such a good listener and added, with some redness on his ears, “You make me feel joyful again.”
Matt called her two days later, and they talked on the phone for two hours, and a week after that, three. After spending two months talking, Matt finally asked Jessica on a date. Beads of perspiration gathered along her hairline, and she could not cool down the flames of heat that tore through her body after hearing those words.
“Uh,” was the only response she could muster.
“I really like you. I think this is the most I’ve talked to anyone in my whole life.”
Jessica laughed and started to feel the fire getting doused by comfort.
“All right, Matt. I think it would be good for me too,” she finally said.
Matt picked her up on a Saturday evening and took her to dinner at Murphy’s Pub. Jessica had never gone, even though most of her former college classmates hung out there. Matt’s farm was in the opposite direction of the pub and Aunt Lodi’s, but he insisted on picking Jessica up.
Jessica’s room was strewn with clothes and shoes that had been tried on again and again. Looking at Aunt Lodi, Jessica finally said, “I don’t think I can do this. Look at me, I’m a mess.”
“You’re just nervous, and that’s to be expected. But you owe it to yourself to give his company a try. Come on,” Aunt Lodi said, placing her hands on Jessica’s shoulders and leading her away from the mirror and toward the bathroom. “Your clothes are perfect; now let’s fix that hair of yours, maybe a little makeup, and off you go.”
Matt, holding a fist of flowers, was met at the door by Paulina and Aunt Lodi.
“These are for you,” he said, giving some to each of the girls.
“Thank you so much, Matt,” Aunt Lodi gushed, and Paulina gave him a big smile and said this was the first time getting flowers from a boy.
“I think one day we’ll have to scare the boys away from you,” Matt said to Paulina, giving Aunt Lodi a quick wink.
Aunt Lodi opened her mouth to say something, but the sound of heels clicking on the wooden stairs made her turn her head. Jessica was dressed in dark jeans with a black cap sleeve top that had lace running through the overlay and her golden hair falling around her face in loose curls. Matt’s mouth dropped open, and Jessica took some pride in that
.
When she reached the bottom of the stairs, she looked at Matt, whose mouth was still hanging open, and gave a cautious grin. Aunt Lodi finally broke the silence. “Well, don’t you look gorgeous? Doesn’t she, Matt?”
“Yes, ma’am,” he finally said.
After a few more seconds of heavy silence, Matt shook his head. “I’m so sorry to be just standing here staring at you, but, well, you look so beautiful.”
Jessica’s cheeks colored as she said, “Thanks.”
“Usually I see you at the fair and you don’t look like this … not that ‘this’ is a bad thing, I mean … well …”
“I think it’s time for you guys to get going,” Aunt Lodi said as she pushed them both toward the door. “Now don’t worry about the time. Paulina and I will be just fine. You two go and have yourselves a great night.”
And Jessica did have a great night. Matt was easy to be around; he nourished her spirit because of his simple ways and he made her feel safe.
They walked the marina after dinner, even though it was dark and slightly chilly. Jessica was thankful she had brought a sweater, and Matt helped her put it on. While they walked, Jessica found herself being drawn toward his body, wanting her shoulder to push up against his, aching for some warmth.
“Can I hold your hand?” Matt asked after they had been walking for a few minutes.
Jessica looked up at his face, at those brown eyes that looked inviting in the light from the lamp above, and nodded yes.
This was the first time she had willingly placed her hand in another man’s since Paul. There was an ache in her chest and her gut, but the touch felt liberating because it brought an instant rush of happiness. Happiness that only male companionship could bring, that only Matt could bring.
After dating a year, Matt asked for her and Paulina to move in with him. Jessica was thankful he did not ask for marriage, even though he had peppered her with questions about what her father’s reaction would be to their relationship. Jessica skated around the edges, finally admitting that her father knew nothing about him yet.
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