by Erica Lee
I walked us over to the couch and sat down beside her, wrapping one arm around her shoulder and pulling her close. Even under the circumstances, it felt good to have her close to me again. I couldn’t stand the days we were apart.
“So, tell me what happened.”
Diana took a deep breath. “I’m sick of us being a secret, so she knows now. And when she found out, she completely flipped out. She told me she never wanted to see me again and to get out of the house. The worst part is that she told me I don’t even deserve to be with my own daughter, especially around the holidays.”
I pulled Diana even closer and kissed her lightly on the forehead. “Oh baby, that’s not true at all. You deserve all of the time with your daughter. You’re a great mom. You volunteer at her school, coach her sports, and you adore her with every piece of you.”
Diana nodded her head slowly and wiped the tears from her eyes. “I know it’s true, but it’s still hard to hear. And what if I can’t spend Christmas with her? It would kill me.”
My heart was breaking for her as I watched the pain that entered her eyes upon having that thought. “Shh. She can’t keep you from her. You’re her mother. You own that house as well. You have every right to go back there.”
“That’s a good idea. I think I’ll go back and demand that she talks to me about this.” The look of defeat didn’t stay off of her face for long. “Do you think it would be okay if I stayed here for tonight?”
I quickly agreed. I didn’t think this was the type of thing that should be solved in the middle of the night, plus I selfishly was happy to have the time with her.
We made our way into my bedroom and contrary to how all of our other time together had gone, we immediately fell asleep. When I awoke the next day, Diana wasn’t wrapped in my arms anymore. I looked around the bed and on the nightstand, expecting to find a note explaining that she had left. When I didn’t see one, I checked my phone and found that there weren’t any messages on there either. I was about to get out of bed, when Diana walked back through my bedroom door carrying a tray of food.
“I thought you deserved breakfast in bed. You have to put up with a lot from me, and it’s about time I spoiled you a little bit.”
I looked down at the tray that had toast, ham, bacon, and scrambled eggs on it. There was also a mug filled to the brim with hot chocolate that had whipped cream piled on top.
“Aw, baby. You didn’t have to do this for me.”
“I wanted to,” Diana reassured me, as she crawled into bed and placed a quick kiss on my lips before placing the tray in front of me. “I figured I was better off sticking with meats rather than anything sweet.”
As I stared into her eyes, any questions I had about Diana over the past few weeks melted away. She cared about me. She cared enough to listen to all of the little details I shared with her about myself.
I lifted the tray off me and carefully placed it on the floor, then pulled Diana on top of me. “Breakfast can wait,” I purred.
After working up quite an appetite, Diana and I shared the breakfast she’d made, which was now cold. When we finally forced ourselves out of bed, I expected Diana to announce that she should probably head back home. Instead, she threw herself onto my couch. She patted the spot next to her and when I sat down, she put her arm around me and settled in close to me. “How would you feel about watching cheesy Christmas movies all day?”
I wasn’t sure if this was Diana’s way of avoiding her current situation back home, but I couldn’t bring myself to care. After vegging out through two movies, Diana stood up, walked over to her bag, and pulled out a small wrapped box. “So, don’t kill me. I know we promised that we wouldn’t get presents for each other, but I couldn’t help myself. I saw this and immediately thought of you.”
I gave Diana a playful look that told her I didn’t appreciate being blindsided, but I couldn’t help the smile that spread across my face as I opened the gift. It was a sterling silver locket that had D+C engraved on it. When I opened it up, there was a small picture of us. It was a selfie that I’d taken one night while we were hanging out around my apartment. Instead of looking at the camera, Diana’s eyes were on me, staring at me like I’m the only thing that mattered to her on this whole planet. It was perfect.
“I know lockets are such an old school thing, but I wanted you to always have a piece of me with you. Obviously, my situation makes it hard for us to have as much time together as we’d both like, but this locket will be there to remind you that I love you.”
It was the first time Diana had ever said the words outright like that. She’d hinted at it that day in the park when I first found out about her family, but hadn’t said anything close to it since. I wanted to say it back. That is how I felt, right? The way my whole body reacted whenever she was around sure felt like love, but for whatever reason, I couldn’t bring myself to say it. It didn’t feel right in that moment, and I wasn’t going to throw out such an important phrase without thinking it through first. To be honest, even though I’d dated plenty of women and had even gotten to the point of living with one of them, I’d never said those words to any of them. A few had said them to me, but I was never at the right place to return the sentiment. Before, I thought they weren’t the right person for me, but Diana felt more than right, so maybe this was something wrong with me. What if I was incapable of fully loving someone because of everything that had happened with my parents and Callie? Was I broken?
As if reading my mind, Diana ran her fingers across my arm soothingly. “You don’t have to say it back yet. I wasn’t expecting you to. I just wanted you to know how I felt. I couldn’t hold it in anymore.”
I closed my eyes and enjoyed the sensation of Diana’s touch, sighing at the contact. “It’s not that I don’t feel very strongly for you. I felt like I was falling in love with you on like our second date. I just have a lot of trouble opening up to people, and I’m not there yet. But I will get there. I promise. I don’t know. Maybe there is something wrong with me.”
Diana planted the sweetest kiss on my forehead, then stared into my eyes. “There is nothing wrong with you. You, my dear, are perfect.” I smiled at her words and let myself sink back into her.
__________________________________
“Do you think there is something wrong with me?” I repeated just two days later. It was Christmas Eve, and Samantha and I were sitting on her couch watching A Christmas Story for the hundredth time, while Molly slept on the love seat across the room.
Samantha chortled in response. “That’s a very loaded question. I think there is a lot wrong with you.”
I rolled my eyes. “Ha. Very funny. I mean it, though. There might be something seriously wrong with me.”
Samantha’s brow furrowed a bit, giving her that cute serious look she pulled off so well. “Why do you say that?”
“Diana told me she loves me.”
An annoyed look entered onto Samantha’s face. “And how does that mean there is something wrong with you?”
“I couldn’t say it back,” I admitted. “I feel like I’ve been falling hard for her since the moment we met, but saying ‘I love you’ in that moment didn’t feel right. Then it hit me that I’ve never said it to anyone. Maybe I’m just not wired to love.”
Samantha’s eyes became soft as she stared at me and shook her head. “That’s not true. You’re the most loving person I know. You adored your sister. You’re still there for your parents even though they don’t deserve it. I mean, come on, Carly, you sat on the couch with my sister for like three days straight to make sure she was okay after she broke her leg. Those aren’t the types of things that someone who isn’t wired to love does.”
“Maybe,” I conceded. “But I’ve never been in love. I’m twenty-seven. That can’t be normal.”
“You know, I’ve never told anyone that l was in love with them either.”
Actually, I didn’t know that. I’d always assumed that she would’ve gotten to that point with the fe
w girls she dated. Then it hit me that she had said she never told anyone she was in love with them.
“So, have you ever been in love with someone and just not said it?”
“Oh… I mean… Yeah… I have.” Samantha’s face turned a deep shade of red with this confession. I wanted to ask her who she was talking about, but decided to let her off the hook this time. If it was Caroline, then I prayed to God she realized just how lucky she was to have the love of this amazing woman.
“See. At least you’ve felt it. I don’t think I have. I’m honestly not even sure what it feels like. Can you tell me?”
Samantha sighed and looked toward the ceiling. “It’s not really something that can be put into words. It’s kind of like you look at the person and just sort of know. You can pick out everything you love about them, like the way she throws her head back when she laughs, or how she can tease you relentlessly and you never grow tired of it. But that feeling of being in love—it’s so embedded deep within your heart that there’s no way to describe it. All you can do is feel it, and it’s the most beautifully terrifying emotion that you could ever experience.”
Samantha looked back at me, and the feelings that shot through me were like nothing I’d ever experienced before. Her words had affected me in a way I couldn’t describe. We stared at each other and I gulped audibly. “I… I’m not there with Diana. I do like her a lot though and I think I’m heading in that direction.”
I watched a switch occur in Samantha’s eyes when I said those words. “Have you ever thought that maybe you can’t get there because it’s such a shitty situation? It’s Christmas Eve and you’re here with me instead of the girl that you say you’re falling in love with; the girl who claims to be in love with you. Have you even talked to her since she left your apartment? Do you think she’ll even bother sending you a Merry Christmas text tomorrow?”
The saltiness in her voice wasn’t lost on me. I wanted to fight back and ask her why she wasn’t with her girlfriend, but I was too flustered by how different this was from the Samantha I was used to.
When I didn’t respond, she stood up from the couch. “I’m going to bed. You should just sleep down here.” When the hurt apparently showed on my face, she softened a bit and added, “I just think it would make Molly happy if she woke up on Christmas morning and you were down here with her.”
A few minutes later, Samantha returned with a blanket and pillow for me, and we shared an awkward goodnight. Sleep didn’t seem to be in the cards for me as I tossed and turned, mulling over what had just happened. My reaction to Samantha’s words had taken me by surprise, and I still had a feeling in the pit of my stomach that I couldn’t quite describe. The feeling was currently at battle with the sick feeling I had from pissing Samantha off once again. I sure seemed to be doing that more and more lately. While I could understand why she had her reservations about Diana, I wasn’t sure why she seemed to hate her so passionately.
These thoughts continued to race through my head until I fell asleep hours later. It felt like I’d just drifted off, when I felt someone shaking me. I opened my eyes to find Molly staring down at me with a wide grin on her face.
“It’s Christmas morning!”
I swear, even at twenty-one, this girl was still such a child at heart. I raised both eyebrows at her, then shut my eyes again. “It is, isn’t it?” I asked, rubbing my temples before forcing my eyes back open.
Molly’s eyes lit up even more. “I think Sam is still asleep. Can we go jump on her to wake her up?”
I looked down at her leg that was still wrapped in a cast and probably would be for at least a few more weeks. “I don’t think you’re equipped to do much jumping.”
Molly reached her hand toward me to direct me off of the couch. “You can handle the jumping, and I’ll just yell about Santa coming.”
I shook my head tentatively. “I’m not sure, Mol. I think your sister is mad at me right now.”
Molly snorted. “Samantha could never be mad at you, especially on Christmas. Trust me, you’re fine.”
I reluctantly followed her up the stairs and into Samantha’s room, where she was still sleeping. Molly hopped across the room as quietly as she could, then nodded her head, motioning for me to move forward with the plan.
Before I could hop onto the bed, without even opening her eyes, Samantha grumbled, “If you two try anything right now, I swear to God, I’ll kill you both.” A small smirk crept onto her face, reassuring me that she wasn’t mad, at least not about the current bedroom raid.
Luckily, her good mood continued throughout the day, and things only felt slightly awkward between us. Most of that was forgotten as we all exchanged presents and ate a big Christmas lunch with some of the Phillips’ extended family members.
After lunch was over, I left to spend time with my parents. To my surprise, they got me a present. Sure, it was a gift card to a restaurant that I hadn’t been to in years, but it was still an appreciated gesture.
When I stood to leave a few hours later, my mom pulled me into a tight hug. For a few seconds, it felt like she didn’t want to let go and, surprisingly, I wasn’t ready for her to let go either. Instead, I leaned in a little closer, resting my head on her shoulder. I let my mind drift back to a time when this was the norm. My mom was still that lady who smelled like cinnamon and could make all of your problems seem to drift away with one tight squeeze. It felt good to have all that back, even just for this one brief moment.
Once the hug was over, I was brought back to the present and I reminded myself this was too little, too late after everything they’d put me through. I hated my mind for immediately going there instead of just appreciating it, but I also hated them for bringing us to this point.
As I walked out of their house, I looked down at my phone to see that the “Merry Christmas” text I’d sent to Diana that morning had still gotten no response. I sighed as I shoved my phone back into my pocket. I may have been starting to get noticed by my parents, but sometimes it felt like I was completely forgotten by Diana.
Chapter 16
When December 29th arrived and I had yet to hear from Diana, I started to go a little stir crazy. After she confessed her feelings to me, I had vowed that I’d stop trying to find out more about her wife, but this recent silence had sent me back on my search. So there I sat, a few days before the New Year, four years deep into Hailey Smith’s Instagram.
Through my stalking, I found the pictures of Hailey and Diana got more sparse in recent years. Actually, the amount of pictures Hailey posted altogether had dwindled over the past year. The latest picture she’d posted was of their daughter sitting on Santa’s lap. Before that was a picture of their daughter on Halloween dressed up as Wonder Woman. As I stared at a picture from Christmas 2014, I noticed that there was a comment from an account that appeared to belong to Diana. When I went to click on it, my finger slipped and I clicked on Hailey’s username instead, taking me back to the top of her page. I was surprised to find that she’d added a new picture five minutes earlier. It was a picture of her daughter sitting in a booth drinking a big milkshake at a diner that I recognized to be fifteen minutes from me.
This is a bad idea, Carly, I reminded myself as I quickly ran to my closet and threw on a coat. Was I really about to take my stalking to the next level? It was one thing to look at someone’s Instagram, but a totally different ball game when you showed up where they were. At that moment, my stomach growled, and I decided that I needed to get some food and diner food sounded terrific.
When I pulled up to the diner, I started to rethink my decision. What would I say if Diana was in there with her? Honestly, I probably wouldn’t say anything. We’d most likely act like we were strangers, and then I could text her and apologize for accidentally showing up at the same place as them.
As soon as I was inside the diner, my eyes settled on a booth in the corner that held Hailey and Ava. I tried to watch nonchalantly, as if I was staring up at the TV that was conveniently placed
above their booth. I looked for any signs that Hailey could be the monster I’d imagined her to be, but as I looked at her, she didn’t look mean or horrible at all. She just looked sad. It was a look that I knew all too well. She smiled across the table at her daughter, but the smile didn’t reach her eyes. It was a detail you would only notice if you knew a person really well or if you’d been in that situation yourself. You know, when you are trying your best to seem strong so no one around you has to deal with your suffering, but you are just barely holding it together right below the surface. Hailey had that exact look, and I wasn’t sure what to do about the fact that I very well might have something to do with that.
My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of someone clearing their throat beside me. I turned to see a guy who seemed to be just a few years younger than me, wearing the diner uniform and holding a menu in his hand. “Are you ready to be seated?” he asked, almost shyly, like he was nervous about interrupting whatever had stolen all of my attention.
I nodded and followed him to a booth on the opposite end of the diner to Hailey and Ava. I was equal parts disappointed and happy about this. I wanted to see more, but knew that I shouldn’t. I was actually being insane right now. I’d become the crazy girlfriend that I vowed I would never be. After only a few minutes, my phone began to ring and I looked down to see Diana’s name on the screen.