The Truth

by Erica Lee

  When we arrived at the photo studio, we started with pictures of just Ava. At age six, she was already a little diva who loved the camera and struck a pose with every prop the photographer suggested. I had a feeling I’d be buying every single picture taken of her. I couldn’t resist that face. It wasn’t as natural when Diana and I joined in. Even without seeing them, I could tell we both looked awkward in every single picture. I sensed the photographer’s frustration as he moved us into different poses to try to fix the issue.

  After countless failed poses, he asked us to sit on the floor next to Ava, then asked Ava if she was ticklish. Her eyes went wide as she cracked a smile and adamantly shook her head. Both Diana and I quickly caught on.

  “You’re not ticklish at all?” Diana asked facetiously, before digging her fingers into Ava’s side.

  “I think someone’s telling fibs,” I added. I followed it up with some tickling of my own.

  Before long, Ava was laughing uncontrollably. The sound of her laughter led to laughter from Diana and me as well. As soon as I’d forgotten all about the photographer, I heard the snap of the camera. When I looked up, he was staring at the screen.

  “Well, looks like we found your Christmas card,” he announced proudly.

  Both Diana and I stood to look at the picture, and Ava followed close behind us. The photographer had captured the perfect moment. Looking at that picture, you’d never know all of the problems we were having. I almost felt guilty about sending a card with that picture. It felt like we were lying to our closest friends and family.

  ***

  Diana, on the other hand, had no qualms about pretending to be happy which was proven on Thanksgiving Day. For some reason, ever since we moved back, it had been a tradition to host both of our families at our house for the holiday. That meant we had both sets of parents, all four sets of grandparents, my brother, his wife, my niece, and my nephew.

  Diana was putting on quite a show for all of them, laughing about how our Christmas photo session went and talking about all of the plans we apparently had for Christmas. She even threw in the fact that we might need to start looking for a new house if we were going to have another child. That one brought wide grins to both of our mothers’ faces and a huge effort on my part to keep the shocked look off my face.

  Diana was more affectionate toward me than she had been in years. She held my hand at the table and was constantly leaning in to place a kiss on my cheek.

  After everyone was done eating, my brother walked over to where I was working on cleaning the dishes. “Hey, do you think we could go somewhere and talk?” I didn’t miss the look of concern that came to his face when he asked the question.

  As soon as we were in my room with the door closed, he glared over at me. “Okay. What’s with all of the bullshit that Diana is spitting out there?”

  “What do you mean, Scott?”

  My brother scoffed at my attempt at playing dumb. “Don’t patronize me, Hailey. I’m not as dense as all of the adults here. Plus, I know you, and I can see it in your face that you’re not happy. You practically cringed when she mentioned more kids, and I know for a fact that if you could have at least four little munchkins running around, you would.”

  I let out a defeated sigh. “We’ve been going through a rough patch lately.”

  Scott shook his head in disgust. “Your whole marriage has been a rough patch. The only positive that’s come from her is Ava, and she actually didn’t have anything to do with that.”

  It was now my turn to glare. “Hey! Saying that is really offensive. Even if she wasn’t biologically involved, she played a big part in Ava’s birth, and she isn’t any less Ava’s mom than I am.”

  Scott’s face turned slightly red from guilt. My little brother had been my biggest supporter and greatest ally since I came out so I knew he didn’t mean anything by it. “Sorry. That’s not what I meant. But seriously, Hailey, what’s up this time? She’s not cheating on you again, is she?” My brother laughed as if the thought of her doing it a second time after being forgiven once was out of the question.

  Before I could stop them, tears were streaking my cheeks and Scott’s face was turning red again, only this time from anger. “I’ll kill her,” he growled through gritted teeth.

  I had to physically grab his arm and pull him back into the room to stop him from storming out to her. “Please don’t say anything. These are just suspicions. I don’t actually know anything.”

  “Can I be honest with you?”

  When I nodded my head in response to his question, my brother continued. “I never liked Diana. When you guys were in high school and I was still in middle school, I just thought I didn’t like the fact that she treated me like a stupid middle school kid since that was never how you treated me. But even once I was older, I still didn’t like her. I never thought she appreciated you as much as she should. The only thing I liked about her was how much you seemed to adore her, and now I’m not even sure if that’s the case.”

  I wanted to fight back and say that of course I still adored her, but I honestly didn’t know how to feel at this point. My brother walked back over to me and put an arm around my shoulder. “No matter what you decide, I support you. I just want you to be happy. I miss that smile.”

  His words caused the corners of my mouth to rise just a bit, which in turn caused my brother’s face to brighten. “Almost, but not quite.” He then ruffled my hair and started walking toward the door again. “Let’s get back out there. I’m dying to know what lie your wife will come up with next.”

  As soon as everyone left the house, Diana went back to all but ignoring me. I half-expected her to get a surprise call into the hospital, but surprisingly, she didn’t.

  ***

  The following week at therapy, I updated Caroline about everything that had happened at Thanksgiving.

  “Why do you think your wife acts like this?” she asked. She had glasses on today, and I couldn’t stop my mind from thinking about how cute they looked on her.

  After a minute, she looked up at me, and I realized I hadn’t answered her question yet. “I mean, my wife has always worried about what people think of her. She will tell people anything to get on their good side. But the big factor is her mother. My wife seems to think the woman is the devil reincarnated, but still does whatever she has to in order to impress her.”

  “What do you think? Do you agree with her?”

  “Not at all! My mother-in-law is fantastic. She’s like a second mom to me. The whole reason that she and my wife fight all of the time is because of me. She doesn’t agree with the way my wife treats me or how blasé she seems to be about keeping our family together.”

  Caroline nodded again, writing down a few more notes. “So, does your wife’s family know she cheated before?”

  I thought back on that time and cringed. “They do. When I found out about the affair, I called my mom to tell her. She’s always been my best friend, so she’s the person I turn to. Well, as soon as we hung up, she called my wife’s mom to tell her. It became a big mess after that with everyone from both families ganging up on my wife. Sometimes I wonder if that’s the reason she apologized and begged me to take her back. I don’t think she wanted to deal with the third degree anymore.”

  The topic of family caused me to bring up the conversation I had with my brother. There was one sentence he had said that was still sticking with me. The only thing I liked about her was how much you seemed to adore her, and now I’m not even sure if that’s the case. When I expressed this to Caroline, she twisted her face into a look that I couldn’t quite read. Who was I kidding? I couldn’t read most of her looks.

  “Hailey, I’m going to ask you a complicated question. Please don’t be offended by it. I’m not asking to steer you in a certain direction. Please take a moment to think about it though. Do you still love your wife? Or are you holding onto the life that you thought you would love with her?”

  “Of… of course I love her,” I st
uttered. “She’s my wife. No matter what, she’ll always be important to me.”

  Caroline looked right into my eyes as if she was trying to read my thoughts through them. “Are you in love with her?”

  I felt my mouth go dry. I wanted to answer immediately and tell her that of course I was. When people have been together for as long as we have, it’s obviously not going to feel how it did in the beginning. The rainbows and butterflies have to fade eventually, but that doesn’t mean that you’re not in love anymore, does it?

  “I… I’ve… honestly never thought about that. I mean, my wife and I don’t say it to each other the way we used to. It used to be so second nature. We would say it before bed, as soon as we woke up, every time we were on the phone, and each time we said goodbye. I can barely remember the days when we used to be cooking dinner in the kitchen, and she would look at me and tell me she loved me, but that used to happen too.”

  To my surprise, tears sprang to my eyes. “My wife doesn’t love me anymore.” This was the first time I’d admitted that to myself or anyone else. I didn’t know exactly when Diana stopped loving me, but I knew in my heart that it had happened a long time ago. But what was I supposed to do about that? Should I keep trying to get her to fall back in love with me? Caroline had made a good point. Was I really even in love with her anymore? I hated the thought of losing her, but that was because I was worried about the effect that our separation would have on Ava.

  My thoughts were interrupted by Caroline handing me a box of tissues. As I blew my nose, I had to laugh at my current situation. “I’m sorry. I probably look ridiculous to you. I know what you’re thinking—of course your wife doesn’t love you. You’re just now figuring that out? Meanwhile, you’re probably married to the perfect spouse.” I’m not sure where that last part came from.

  Caroline looked just as surprised by my outburst as I was. “I’m not married,” she said, before clearing her throat.

  “Well, then I’m sure your boyfriend is great. There’s no way you’re single.” What was I saying? I wasn’t hitting on my therapist right after crying about my wife not loving me anymore, was I? Of course not. “Sorry. I’m not trying to hit on you. I promise. I think this is just my subconscious effort to change the subject from my mess of a life.”

  Luckily, Caroline laughed softly in response. “Don’t worry about it. I am single, actually. I have been for years. Here’s a little detail about me to hopefully make you laugh—my college girlfriend broke up with me because she said she felt like she couldn’t open up to me. I went to my favorite professor after that to ask how I was supposed to get clients to open up to me if my own girlfriend felt like she couldn’t.”

  Her story made me laugh, but my mind was caught on the word girlfriend. “Sorry for assuming you were straight,” I apologized awkwardly.

  Caroline smiled. “Don’t worry about it. It’s the societal norm. We both know that.” Caroline looked at me for a moment, before looking down at her watch.

  “We better stop there for today,” she said stiffly, quickly returning to therapist mode.

  I blew out a breath and rubbed my eyes. Today’s session had been a lot to handle. I’d figured out my wife probably isn’t in love with me, I might not be in love with her, and my therapist is gay. For whatever reason, all of those facts made my stomach turn.

  Chapter 21

  The next few weeks continued in the same way. Diana was becoming more distant with every passing day. The more I pushed her to talk, the more she would shut down. A few days before Christmas, I couldn’t take it anymore. I tried to tell myself to wait until after the holidays to figure it out, but it had gotten too hard for me. Plus, I’d been given the perfect opportunity to do some snooping. I felt sick as I picked up the phone that Diana had left on the nightstand when she went to take a shower. I vowed that I’d never let myself become this woman, but here I was about to look through my wife’s phone.

  I took a deep breath and turned it on, not surprised to find that it required a passcode. I quickly typed Ava’s birthdate, which caused the home screen to open up. It seemed I still knew a few things about my wife. I took a deep breath before clicking on her message icon.

  I closed my eyes, and when I opened them, I was shocked at what I found. The only chats she had were ones with me, her mom, and her dad. When I opened up her photos, it was all pictures of Ava. Of course. Diana was smart. Even if she was having an affair, she wouldn’t leave any incriminating evidence on her phone. The phone dropped from my hands when I heard a throat clear across the room. When I looked over, Diana was staring at me with daggers in her eyes.

  “Mind telling me why you’re going through my phone?”

  “I just need answers,” I said softly, while hanging my head. I looked back up and squinted over at Diana. “Are you cheating on me?”

  Diana opened her mouth and, for a moment, it looked like she was going to deny it, but a deflated look appeared on her face instead. She moved to the end of our bed and sat down, avoiding eye contact with me. “I’ve been seeing someone else.”

  It pissed me off that she didn’t just say yes. Diana could never actually admit to anything, even when she was completely to blame.

  “How long has this been going on?” I asked flatly. “And please don’t lie to me.”

  “It’s been on and off since October.”

  A fire started to burn inside of me. “So when you claimed that you were trying to make it work between us, when you tried to get me to have sex with you multiple times and finally succeeded, when you sat downstairs and talked to our families about buying a new house so we had more room for future kids—through all of that, you were seeing this other woman.”

  “It’s not like that. I really wanted to make it work with us. I just can’t.”

  I inhaled deeply then blew out a long breath in an effort to keep myself from crying. “Do you love her?”

  For the first time, Diana turned around and looked into my eyes. I could tell by her expression that she knew she was about to hurt me and that it surprisingly bothered her to do so. “I think I do,” she admitted.

  I looked toward the ceiling. This was a lot to handle. Not only did my wife not love me, but she was also in love with someone else. I couldn’t help but wonder what was wrong with me. Why was I not good enough? “Why are you still with me, Diana?”

  Diana scooted up the bed so she was seated beside me. “I don’t know. I guess I was worried that if I told you or if I left, you’d try to keep Ava from me.”

  I scoffed at her words. “That’s bullshit and you know it. You and Ava adore each other. I would never want to keep you apart. I care about her too much to do that. I care about you too much to do that.”

  Diana slumped her shoulders. “I know,” she admitted. “So, do you want to talk about this? Ask me any questions?”

  I squeezed my eyes shut. “For once, no. I honestly just want to be alone for now. Having this conversation is too hard. Seeing you is too hard.”

  “I get it,” Diana said, standing up from the bed. “I’ll just go to my parents’ or something.”

  I finally opened my eyes and looked over at her. “Please don’t lie to me, Di. We both know you’re not going to go to your parents’.”

  Diana only nodded in response, then walked over to our closet. A few minutes later, she emerged with a suitcase. I looked at the bag and then back at her. “I only said I needed some space. I didn’t say you needed to move out. I need to be alone tonight, but I do want you to come back so we can talk about all of this.”

  Diana opened and closed her mouth a few times before speaking. “I didn’t know what you would need, so I just wanted to be prepared.”

  “I need you to leave… for now. But please come back tomorrow, okay?” The words felt pathetic leaving my mouth so I quickly added, “I don’t want Ava to start asking questions. It’s almost Christmas. It should be a happy time for her.”

  Before Diana could leave the room, I called after her.
“I do have one question. Does she… know about… Ava and I?”

  “She does,” Diana answered, before turning around to leave.

  I could feel the anger building up inside of me as I heard Diana lock the front door behind her. Her girlfriend knew that she had a family at home and just didn’t care? Who was this woman?

  ***

  The next twenty-four hours were some of the longest of my life. Like an idiot, I sat around the house all day waiting for Diana to come back in the front door. I watched Christmas movies and baked cookies with Ava to pass the time, but felt on edge all day. Diana didn’t get home until 8:00 that night, right when it was time to do Ava’s bedtime routine.

  “Mama!” Ava yelled when she walked in, hopping off the couch to run into her arms. “We had such a good day today, but we missed you.”

  Diana placed a kiss on her forehead and twirled her around. “I missed you too, munchkin.”

  When our eyes met, she sat Ava down and smiled slightly at me. We didn’t say much to each other as we got Ava ready and put her to bed. Once we were back downstairs, I poured us two glasses of wine. I felt like that was needed on a night like this. I pointed toward the couch, and we both silently made our way over to sit down.

  “I hate this,” I finally said after a few more minutes of silence.

  Diana took another sip of wine, before sitting the glass down on the table. “I do too.” She stared at me for a few seconds before placing a hand on my knee. It was always part of Diana’s personality to be very touchy, and I used to love that about her. I loved how she always held my hand or put her arm around me. Now her touch just made me feel uncomfortable, because I knew she was touching someone else.

  “I never wanted to hurt you, Hailey. I mean it.”

  From the look in her eyes, I could tell that she really did. But if she didn’t want to hurt me, then why did she continue to?

  “I know you don’t want to hurt me. But you did. You are. You’ve hurt me more times than you’ll ever even know. Why would you do that?”