by Martha Carr
"You poke me one more time like that and you'll learn first hand."
Patsy scooped a few more M&Ms in her mouth and sat down, thinking about the promotion.
"Will be nice to be back in the action, though. Still have a few tricks in me." Lois smiled at the thought. "Spy on humans, imagine that."
"Not like we weren't already."
"No, but now it's official and we're getting paid to do it."
"Makes you wonder what could happen next."
Lois shook her head, raising her eyebrows. "These days, just about anything, I suppose."
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
It was still early in the morning and the sky was overcast with a bright sundog set in the middle of a break in the clouds pouring light onto the patio at Estelle's. There was a sharp knock at the door of the guest house as Leira was walking out of the kitchen, a cup of coffee in her hand. Everyone else was still asleep.
"You in there?" It was Estelle's gravelly voice barking out a statement, more than a question. Leira opened the door quickly before Estelle could knock again and wake up anyone. Besides, Estelle had never shown up at Leira's door unannounced in the entire four years Leira lived in the guest house.
"You've had enough time to yourselves." Estelle was planted in front of the door. Leira stood there, holding the door open still in her pajamas, a cup of coffee in her hand doing her best to look unconcerned about anything. Where's the troll? She didn't dare look back to see if the troll was peeking out of his shoebox. If he was, Estelle was rolling with it.
"Morning Estelle. What time is it?"
The morning light was behind Estelle's tall red bouffant, partially hidden by the cloud of smoke that was perpetually floating around her head. Estelle twisted her mouth left to right. It wasn't like her to invade Leira's personal space. "Time to get on with things. Put on those fancy new boots and plant your asses at the bar by four sharp! There, I said it." She gave a hard nod and marched back toward the bar, not waiting for an answer.
Leira stood there for a moment, watching her go, just as the troll crawled onto her foot, rubbing his eyes. "Yumfuck." He yawned, opening his mouth wide. Leira looked down, taking a sip of her coffee as she slowly moved her foot back and gently shut the door. She scooped up the troll and tucked him back in his box, putting the washcloth back over him as he snuggled with a new pair of polka dot underwear. Leira had bought him his own supply at Target. "Yumfuck." He yawned again and lazily shut his eyes.
"Not even my weirdest morning."
"There's coffee?" Correk opened his eyes and sat up, stretching his back.
"It's early, go back to sleep. Estelle was just here telling us our plans for the day. We're hanging out at the bar later." Leira smiled and took another sip. So much family. Actually, not a bad way to start any day. She pushed thoughts of the upcoming confrontation with the dark mist out of her mind. Singleness of purpose. Correk started to get up but Leira put a hand on his shoulder. "Coffee coming right up."
***
Correk, Leira and Eireka showed up right on time as Estelle scrutinized what they were wearing, tapping her cigarette into an ashtray. There were already three beers waiting for them. Leira took a sip of the beer, glancing over at her mother. Eireka was sliding onto a stool, looking around at the bar. Still so strange having her here.
Estelle looked at Correk in his jeans and boots. "Better. Not that I minded the Robin Hood getup. Gotta let people stay in their comfort zones."
Leira spit out a little of her beer and looked up at Estelle who was arching a carefully drawn on eyebrow at her.
"Something to say?" The cigarette wobbled in her mouth as she talked.
Leira took another sip of her beer and sat down on a stool without saying a word.
"Thought so." Estelle disappeared into the bar, coming right back out with guacamole and chips and setting them on the bar in front of Eireka. "Eat up before the others get here. They tend to Hoover free food."
"Leira!" Craig and Scott came out the door from the bar, closely followed by Mike and Lucy. Leira could see Margaret and Kimberly through the window hustling to keep up with everyone.
Estelle took a long drag on her cigarette without ever taking it out of her mouth. "Too late!" She shrugged and threw up her hands, blowing smoke out the side of her mouth. She went back inside to see why a table was waving at her through the window. Leira watched her stand by them, hands on hips, nodding.
Feel like I forgot something. She took a sip of her beer as Margaret hugged her, pressing the bottle against her chest. She let the thought go. Can't be that important.
Everyone was there. No one was late. A few even slipped out of work early. Estelle put out the word that they would be celebrating at the start of happy hour. No one wanted to be on the bad side of Estelle and lose bar privileges. Besides, they all took their roles as Leira's family seriously.
"Here's to our newest member of the Leira Society. Welcome home, Eireka!" Mike raised up his Shiner Bock, already swirling around the last mouthful as everyone raised their drinks.
"About time!" Craig smiled and clapped Scott on the back.
"You'd think it was your mother that came home." Mitzi smiled as she rolled her eyes. The entire society was there to celebrate. Estelle appeared, setting another beer in front of Mike. She kept her right eye shut as the smoke from the cigarette between her teeth blew back in her face. She took it out of her mouth, tilting her head back as she blew a steady stream of smoke, admiring the sky. "Damn, I love Texas."
Everyone raised their glass again.
"To fucking Texas!" It was a common toast around the bar.
Estelle moved down the bar, swatting a man's hand as he was about to reach into the bowl of mixed nuts. "You wash your hands? Didn't think so. No pee-nuts at this establishment."
"It's a wonder people come back here," said Margaret.
"That's why they do," said Scott. "Your bitchy mother who serves you alcohol. Fond memories."
"That's sad, dude." Kimberly slid onto a stool next to Eireka who was already putting out her hand to shake. "We don't shake hands in these parts, honey. We hug." She was already enveloping Eireka in a tight embrace, giving her an extra squeeze. Mitzi took her turn next as the smell of lemons filled Eireka's nose.
Mitzi looked up in time to see the door to the guest house open a crack and shut again. "Should lock that door if the wind can blow it open."
Leira looked over at the guest house but didn't see anything and turned back to the bar. Along the fence, the troll scampered toward the gate, looking for a night out. Leira had forgotten to say the spell and he was in the mood to meet some new people. He ran for the street, stopping to roll in the mulch surrounding a small tree and lick a wrapper from an ice cream cone. Already a good night.
He turned right onto Rainey Street, weaving in and out of all the legs of people trying to get to happy hour at any one of the dozens of bars that dotted the street.
"What the hell?" The troll narrowly missed getting punted by a young man wearing a UT sweatshirt. He nipped his other ankle as he slipped past him. "Fuck, that rat just bit me!"
"What rat?" His friends turned to look but couldn't see anything. Yumfuck was safely tucked behind a tire of a nearby parked car, watching.
"Nothing there, man. Come on, you're fine." Someone put an arm around the man's shoulder and pulled him up the steps of a nearby bar.
Yumfuck emerged from behind the tire and picked up speed. He was halfway down the block in no time, staying close to the parked cars. He stopped at the corner of 6th Street gazing at the lights in the distance. "Ooooh, goddamn right!" he trilled. He headed down the hill in search of an adventure.
The lights of the bars got closer as he suddenly got a whiff of something familiar in the air and stopped outside of the Alamo Draft House, pressing his face against the bottom of the glass. Inside, he spotted the source of the smell. A large glass and metal machine pushing out fresh popcorn. The troll licked the glass, letting out a deep sigh. It was m
ore popcorn than he'd ever seen.
He waited till someone opened the door and scurried in with them, dashing between children's feet and running around the end of the counter. The theater was having a special 35th anniversary showing of E.T. and the lobby was quickly filling. There was a line to get snacks and the three teenagers behind the counter were overwhelmed, moving as quickly as they could before the movie started. Children were touching everything, bouncing up and down with excitement.
It wasn't hard for a five-inch troll to slip in behind the straws and leap for the counter in the back, making his way toward the machine. A teenage girl in a red Alamo vest wearing a nametag that said, Christina, turned and looked directly at the troll just as he was pushing his way through the souvenir E.T. dolls. Yumfuck froze, keeping his eyes wide as she looked over, puzzled at all of the dolls. "Something isn't..."
"Miss! Can I get extra cheese on that? Will that take long?" A mother was drumming her fingers on the counter. "Tommy, don't touch that!" The straws clattered to the ground. Christina quickly grabbed the paper boat filling it with chips, already forgetting about the odd doll.
The troll let out the breath he was holding and ran the last few feet for the popcorn machine, doing a swan dive, headfirst over the top of the small plexiglass wall on the side, and into the warm pile, burrowing down to the bottom.
A silver scoop poked him in the butt as someone tried to scoop out popcorn to fill a large tub. He opened his mouth wide as the scoop shoved him toward a corner, filling his mouth with popcorn. He rolled over, happily crunching when the scoop found him again, jostling him around in the machine, bouncing him from corner to corner. "Huh? Oooh, wha? Motherfucker!" The scoop came neatly under him, lifting up a pile of popcorn, sending him briefly into the air, surprising him and the young man trying to fill a bucket.
The troll fell back toward the popcorn, smashing a few pieces as he settled down into the middle, looking up at the young man. "Yumfuck!" he trilled, leaping over the side of the machine and grabbing a filled bag as he hopped off the end of the counter.
The young man looked at the full machine dreading having to throw away so much popcorn without letting any of the moviegoers know there were rats in the theater. He was just reaching to pull over the trash can when an irate father yelled loud enough to be heard over the crowd.
"Where's my popcorn?" The man checked his phone. "It's not that hard a job! Where's your manager?"
The young man's hand froze in mid-air. He looked up at the redfaced man scowling at him. He gave a polite smile and reached for the popcorn tub instead, filling it to the brim. "Here you go, sir. Sorry for the wait." He was suddenly having a better night. "Enjoy."
"About time," the man snarled and took the bucket, herding his kids toward the theater.
Yumfuck was already in a back row and had pulled the bucket up onto a seat, making it look like it was saved. A group of small children celebrating a fifth birthday filed into the row, taking up the rest of the seats. The birthday girl's mother sat at the far end of the row, glad to finally be settled.
"There's a hair on this popcorn," said a man as he passed by the row.
The theater grew dark and the movie started as the troll crawled into the tub, sitting himself in the middle. The small girl next to him giggled. "Hello Mr. Mouse." She was wearing a Frozen t-shirt and a sparkly pink headband and looked at him with big brown eyes.
"Yumfuck!" The troll trilled at the child, smiling, as he threw popcorn into his mouth.
"Hello Yumfuck, you're cute." The troll trilled and sat up in the tub to get a better view of the screen. The girl giggled again and poked her neighbor. "Look, it's a talking mouse. His name is Yumfuck!"
"Yumfuck!" The troll sat up and waved at the two little girls. They nudged the next little girl who got out of her seat to take a look. "You're so cute!" she squealed.
"Get back in your seat, the movie's starting!" The mother at the end of the row waved her arm like she was directing traffic. The little girl went back to her seat, giggling, looking over at the troll. "Hi Yumfuck!" A man in front of the girl turned around, confused, looking at the small girl who smiled at him. He slowly turned back around and leaned toward his wife. "Did she just say..."
"Quiet, honey. Movie's starting. You know my rule. No talking again till the credits."
The movie started and the row quieted down as Yumfuck settled in, happily eating popcorn. He ate his way down till he couldn't see the screen as well and climbed out of the tub and onto the arm of the seat by the little girl. She gently rubbed his head, smiling at the troll who trilled for the rest of the movie.
The troll laughed and cried throughout the movie, earning a shush from the people in the next row. The little girl hid the troll, covering him gently with her hand until the people turned back around.
He choked up when E.T. was sick and the little girl picked him up, cuddling him in her hands. "There, there, Mr. Yumfuck," she cooed. He cheered, "Yea!" when E.T. got to go home, holding his little arms over his head.
The credits started to roll and the low lights along the bottom of the walls came on as the children in the row got up to leave. The little girl put the troll on the ground as he blew her a kiss. "Bye Mr. Yumfuck," she giggled.
The troll ran out of the row and headed for the lobby, stopping to grab a bag of red licorice and carry them home with him.
"What the hell?" Hagan was standing at the counter paying for the box of Raisinettes for Rose and a bag of Snickers bites for himself, as he saw a bag of licorice moving across the floor. "Son of a bitch!" Hagan laid an extra twenty on the counter. "Keep it. That should hopefully cover it. Trust me." He picked up the box of candy and went to find Rose. "Expensive little shit."
He passed a group of little girls gathered around a harried mother. "Who taught you that word?" she was saying in an aggravated tone.
"The talking mouse!" chirped a little girl. "Mr. Yumfuck! We love him!"
"Best birthday party ever!"
Hagan looked away and hurried by the little girls as the mother waved her arms in a frantic attempt to get the girls to stop talking.
"We love Mr. Yumfuck!"
Hagan picked up the pace and hustled to theater three.
***
The troll made his way home, easily retracing his steps and wriggled under the gate, staying close to the fence as he made his way back to the guest house. The patio was full and Leira and Eireka were surrounded by the regulars as Correk tried to explain to everyone what a game of Lutea ball looked like.
"Is that Norwegian or something?" asked Mike.
"We could start our own team," said Paul.
The troll got to the door of the guest house and jumped up, easily catching the handle and pulling down with his weight, opening the door just enough to slip back inside. Leira saw the door open slightly and just as quickly shut. "Fuck me," she whispered. "That's what I forgot." She got up to go check on things inside the guest house.
"Leira!" She looked over and saw Agent Cohen stepping onto the patio. Estelle was behind him, giving her a shrug.
"Cohen. Is there a case? Did I miss a call?" Leira walked over to meet him, hoping to put off introductions.
"No, no, nothing like that. I stopped by to just apologize again. Make sure we're good."
"Really? FBI agents check on fellow agents' feelings now. Full service." She stood in front of him, her hands on her hips, trying to block the view of the group behind her.
"Leira, who's your friend?" Mitzi appeared at her side. "I'm Mitzi, this is Lucy."
"Margaret." Margaret raised her hand, giving a small wave. "That's Kimberly."
"Nice to meet you."
Here it comes, thought Leira, ready with her answer.
"So, how do you know Leira?" Mitzi practically sang the words as everyone turned to listen.
"Work. He's part of the new task force." She gave them all a look and they nodded in unison. Scott held up a finger to his lips.
"That's hush hush, right?"
asked Craig.
"Not if you keep doing that," said Mike.
"They know?" Alan looked worried and confused. Leira took him by the hand and steered him to the other end of the bar.
"No, they don't," she finally said. "Well, they know a little but really, no, they don't. You want to tell me why you're really here?"
He cleared his throat. "I don't like the way you got treated and well...I said I owed you that beer."
"I told you, you didn't have to..."
"Come on over!" Scott was waving his arm.
Leira looked at Correk who was arching an eyebrow, amused. She narrowed her eyes, trying to wipe the look off his face but his smile only grew.
"Have you met her mother? This is Eireka." Kimberly slid back onto her stool.
"Yes, we met," said Cohen. "Alan Cohen, nice to meet you," he said, shaking Craig's hand.
"Met the mother. Nice." Mitzi nodded, gently elbowing Lucy.
Estelle stepped up onto her stool behind the bar and put a Convict Hill beer down in front of Cohen.
"She orders for you," said Leira. "I guess you're staying."
"I guess I am, and I owe you that beer."
Estelle pulled the top off a Shiner Bock and set it down in front of Leira. "Enjoy." She wiped the counter around them.
Leira leaned closer to Cohen so no one else could hear her. "I don't pee in the pool I swim in."
"Good policy," he said, taking a sip of the beer. "Good beer, too."
"You play softball? What about that... what you call it Correk?"
"I give," muttered Leira, looking toward the guest house. The troll will just have to wait.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
The senior counsel of the Order of the Silver Griffins sat in a circle in folding chairs on the stage of the theater inside the Chicago Pumping Station. There was a silhouette of a giant white whale in silk mesh against a back wall. The repairs to the lobby were just about complete and the theater was reopening for a production of Moby Dick. The eight witches and wizards who had convened were unhappy with what they were hearing, to a person.