by C. A. Harms
“Do you want to hold your little girl?” I looked up into Carson’s face, and he instantly lit up. He nodded and tentatively took her into his arms, holding her close.
After a few silent moments his glossy eyes met mine. “What do you think we should name her?”
I smiled because I really had been putting some thought into it over the last few months. “I was thinking for her first name… Carley. It’s the perfect combination of my two favorite people.” Carson and Riley exchanged a smile. “I thought you could choose her middle name.”
Carson beamed when he realized I was looking right at him. “Yeah?”
I nodded, and he looked down at our daughter as he held her securely to his chest. “How about Raylynn?” He shrugged. “It’s a combination of two of my favorite girls.” A single tear escaped down my cheek as he stared at me with such intensity. “You and my mom.”
I nodded in agreement. Riley stepped closer and ran her finger down the side of our little miracle’s cheek. “Welcome to the family, Carley Raylynn Parks. We are gonna love you so hard, baby girl.”
That was all it took for the tears to spill over. Leave it to Riley to shove me over the damn cliff of emotion.
Chapter Twelve
Carson
The moment I stepped into the waiting room everyone swarmed like bees to honey. “Boy? Girl?” The questions flew from all directions.
I looked at the floor and squeezed my eyes shut. The vision of Kate with Carley in her arms was my moment of clarity. What the hell more did I need in my life? Nothing. In that instant it hit me like a fucking freight train. My girls, the only two I wanted to fill my days and nights with. They were my girls, and everything from now on revolved around those two beautiful faces.
I looked up at our very anxious families, and a smile broke across my face. “We have a daughter… and she’s perfect.”
One after another began hugging me and expressing congratulations.
One by one everyone made a trip back to meet the newest member of the family. I spotted Kate’s father leaning against the doorway with his back to everyone. He was alone, and this was my chance. I stood up and made my way to him. I cleared my throat, and he turned quickly, stuffing his phone into his pocket.
“Congratulations, Carson.” He thrust his hand out, and I shook it before allowing mine to rest once again along my side.
After a moment of silence I just went for it. “Sir, Kate and I have had a few problems recently that I’m sure you’re aware of.” He chose to remain silent, but nodded. His face appeared stern and slightly intimidating. “I wanted to let you know I plan to show your daughter that she means the world to me, along with our daughter. I will take care of the both of them, and that’s a promise.” I swallowed past the lump in my throat, more like a god damn boulder cutting off my air supply. “I made the mistake of not cherishing her daily because, sir, that is exactly what your daughter deserves. She is amazing, loving, and generous.” I shook my head, “I love Kate very much, and the only thing the last few months have taught me was just how important she is to me. How much I need her, and I will always love her.”
Kate’s dad watched me closely without speaking. We were having a silent standoff. I know he was waiting for me to break, but I refused to. I would show this man that I was also a man. The man who would love his daughter with every single fiber of my being.
Just when I began to sweat from the awkwardness of the silence, he spoke up. “Kate hasn’t always been treated fairly. I know how special she is, but unfortunately throughout her life she has been pushed off. My wife has always had a tendency to baby Kara. I know Kate feels she is less important, and I plan to change a few things myself where Kate is concerned. We all make mistakes, Carson. What matters is what we learn from them. I’m just hoping you can give my Kate the happiness she deserves in her life.”
“I plan to do whatever it takes to make her happy every day of her life, from this day forward.”
When I walked away, I was finally able to take a breath. I slouched down into the chair next to Tanner and Max. I let out a deep sigh and relaxed my shoulders.
“Hey, Carson, your lips are a little swollen from that ass kissing you just gave out.” I heard both the assholes chuckle.
“Fuck off, guys. One day you’ll be there.”
They both groaned and shook their heads aggressively. “Hell no, man. Not me. I don’t plan on taking that plunge ever. I have never even asked Bree about her family. I have no intentions of going there. I know what I need to know, and that is very little. The safe zone is where I’m staying.”
I stood up, shaking my head in disgust. “Max, you know what? One day Bree’s gonna wake up. She’ll get sick of your games and bullshit and drop your ass. You need to wake the fuck up, dude, and realize that girl has feelings. She isn’t your fuck toy. Do you even know anything important about her life? What she likes and what she loves?” The asshole just stared at me with a blank look that answered my questions clearly. “That’s what I thought. For that girl’s sake I hope she walks away from your ass and finds a real man.”
Normally I made it a point to stay on Max’s good side, but today his cocky, arrogant bullshit got under my skin. It made me sick that I once had the same frame of mind. Girls were dispensable. A dime a dozen, and it never mattered what they wanted as long as I got what I needed. The thought made my stomach turn.
No wonder Kate left my ass.
Chapter Thirteen
Carson
Over the last two days I spent every moment I could with Kate and Carley. Every time Kate fed our daughter, I watched in amazement. With every small touch or gentle kiss I fell deeper in love with both of them.
Today was the day they got to go home. Home, but not my home, not our home. That thought was slowly breaking me over and over again. I wanted so badly to go back and redo things. I wanted to erase the time when I was too stupid to realize what an amazing thing I had.
“Hey, Daddy, where did you go just then?”
I looked over at Kate’s puzzled expression and smiled. “Nowhere, I was just thinking.”
I stood up from the chair and walked toward them. I sank onto the bed and fingered a hair that had fallen from Kate’s braid. I tucked the curl behind her ear and traced her jaw with my thumb. I could see her throat move as she swallowed hard. I still affected her the same as I always had. That had me internally shouting, ‘Hell fucking yeah.’
I brushed my fingertips down her arm until I reached her hand. Taking it in mine, I held it firmly. She didn’t pull away, so that was another good sign.
“I know you’re, um, going to the apartment, right?” She nodded, and that was one hard punch to the gut even though I expected it. “Okay.” I took a deep breath. “Is it okay for me to come over and see Carley… and you?”
“Yes,” she whispered.
I nodded and looked down at our daughter who was securely tucked between Kate’s outstretched legs. The long silence almost made me second guess what I had planned to tell her all day. I quickly pushed back the voice telling me to shut up and went for it instead.
“I want you back. I want you in our place.” She started to speak, but I placed my finger against her lips. “Let me finish, please.” She nodded cautiously, and I lowered my hand to hers. “I know that isn’t gonna happen today. I know it probably isn’t gonna happen next week or even next month. I just have to hope it does happen, Kate, because I love you. You and Carley are my world. I wasn’t good to you. I know that.” I took a deep, shuddering breath. “I should have told you every damn day that I loved you. I should have taken every chance I had to hold you and kiss you. I never should have let you feel like you were dispensable, because, Kate, you are everything.”
I slid a little closer and wiped her tear away from her cheek. “I just want you to know that I plan on driving you completely insane with my constant visits and phone calls.” She laughed softly beneath her tears. “I’ll do whatever I have to do to get my girls h
ome with me. I can promise you one thing. I will never again make the mistake of hurting you.” I brushed my lips against hers, and I felt her tremble against me. “I love you so much, baby.”
“I love you too.”
Hearing those words calmed me instantly. It meant we had hope. It meant that even after the way I treated her, we might still have a chance.
Chapter Fourteen
Kate
“I am so tired of yoga pants and big, bulky t-shirts. I feel skanky, and I miss my god damn heels.” I spun around and saw Riley stretched out over Zander’s lap on the couch. “I feel like you when Zander left town that time you two split up. You looked like fucking shit, and I know I resemble a homeless person. I miss my clothes.”
I flopped down into the recliner and pouted.
“My god, it’s only been two weeks. You just had a baby, for fucksakes. And I did not look like shit. I totally can rock a pair of yoga pants. Can’t I, babe?” Her expression said he better agree or choke his own chicken for the next week.
“Riley, you would look sexy in a paper bag.” He smiled, and then they proceeded to play tonsil hockey for the next three minutes, and I groaned in disgust before leaving the room.
I closed my bedroom door as quietly as possible to avoid waking Carley. She still had at least another hour before she woke up to eat. I wanted to take advantage of that and curl up for a quick nap. I noticed the light blinking on my phone, and I picked it up from my nightstand. Three unread text messages.
Two from Carson.
How are my girls?
I was hoping to see you both later. Maybe dinner here?
The third one was from Lily.
When can I see that gorgeous baby again? She is so stinking adorable. Logan and Sam are gone all weekend and I was wondering if you wanted to have a girl’s day? Me, you, and Carley.
It would be nice to get out of the apartment for a bit. I could do both, couldn’t I? Spend the afternoon with Lily, and go to Carson’s after for dinner. I could make it work.
I shot them both messages letting Lily know I could come over for a few hours, and telling Carson I could be there around six for dinner. They both replied, agreeing quickly, and it was set. Now to figure out what to wear.
***
“I think she gets cuter every day. Look at her sweet chubby cheeks.” Lily swaddled Carley back and forth gently.
“She looks more like her daddy every day, actually.”
Lily smiled as Carley grunted and wiggled in her arms. “So how are things going with Carson? I mean, I know he’s trying really hard.”
I had gotten a little closer to Lily over the last couple weeks. She was really a sweet girl, so quiet and kind hearted. She and Logan lost their dad a couple years ago in an accident at his job. He was driving a forklift and jumped off to secure a few boards on top of a wood stack. The tractor must not have fully been in gear, and it jarred forward, crushing him. I felt horrible for them, considering their mom ran off when they were younger and never stayed in contact.
Lily was one of those girls you couldn’t hate. She never passed judgment and would do anything for anyone. She wore her heart on her sleeve and saw the good in everyone.
“He is trying, and it’s getting easier to let go of the past. I just can’t let go of the scared feeling that he may change his mind again. I don’t think I would survive it a second time. I have to be sure we are what he wants.” I shrugged. “Carson is the only guy I want, the only guy I think about. We’ll just have to wait and see what happens. Carley and I are going over for dinner at six tonight, so that’ll be nice. It’s actually the first time since I moved out that I’ll be going back there. I’ve been sort of avoiding it.”
“I’m sure things will work out.”
God, I hoped she was right. I missed him like crazy, and it was getting harder every day not to cave against his attempts.
We left Lily’s around five-thirty and drove over to Carson’s. As I was pulling in, Rayann was walking out. “Oh, where is that gorgeous grandbaby of mine?” She opened up the back door and started unbuckling a now very hungry Carley. She rocked her, gently shushing her.
“It must be about dinner time?” I nodded, and she placed a kiss on Carley’s forehead before handing her over. “Okay, Mommy, you go inside and give this baby girl some food. You two need to come visit Grandma soon, though. I need my precious baby fix.”
“We will, I promise.”
She leaned forward and kissed my cheek, whispering, “He has spent the last two hours trying to make everything perfect. Ignore the burnt smell when you walk inside.” She pulled away and winked. “I brought over some edible food. Just act surprised.”
I nodded. Poor Carson. I should have thought about that. The guy would burn water. He couldn’t cook anything. Hell, I thought he would burn Pop Tarts.
I could smell the burned scent immediately, but did my best to hide my reaction as I walked in through the front door. “Hello?”
He peeked around the wall that led to the kitchen. “Hey, ladies. Here, let me help you.” He took the diaper bag and sat it on the couch before taking Carley into his arms. “How’s Daddy’s baby girl?” He kissed her cheek, and I melted just a little more. Watching Carson with Carly always hit me hard. Here he was, this big thick guy full of muscle, and he was so gentle with her.
“It’s time for her to eat.”
“Oh, okay, I’ll let you feed her while I finish setting up dinner for us.” I nodded and took a seat on the couch. I positioned the pillows and unstrapped my bra to get ready. Once I was set, he carefully laid Carley in my arms and sat down beside me.
Once she latched on he rubbed her cheek before looking up into my eyes. “Thank you for coming over tonight.” I smiled back at him before he leaned in and kissed me. “It feels good to have you both here. I love you.” He kissed me once more, this time with a little more depth, and I pulled back before I lost myself in him. Right now that would be so easy because I craved his affection so badly.
After Carley ate, she fell asleep and I started to lay her down on a blanket in the middle of the living room floor when Carson’s voice stopped me. “Wait, not there.” I looked up at him in confusion. “Come with me. I need to show you something.”
I followed him down the hall, and when he paused in front of the spare bedroom I couldn’t help but laugh. He had this huge grin spread across his face, and it was completely contagious. “What?”
He slowly pushed the door open, and I gasped in surprise. The colors were bright and cheerful. Yellow and purple, with pinks and greens. He had a crib and changing table set up with a dresser in the corner. The closet held hangers filled with baby clothes and diapers stacked on the shelf. I shook my head as if trying to clear a daydream. This was amazing and completely surprising.
“Do you like it?” he whispered.
My voice cracked. “I love it… it’s beautiful.”
He stepped up behind me and wrapped his arms around both of us, rocking us from side to side. I felt him place a gentle kiss against my temple. “You’re beautiful.”
“Thank you for this. It’s perfect.” I swallowed back a sob as I continued to take it the room’s detail. I could tell he had spent so much time making it special.
Together we placed Carley in the crib and covered her securely before turning on the baby monitor and stepping from the room. I followed behind him, fighting the emotions that felt so raw. I knew he was trying; I could feel the changes he’d made. Things felt different, and it was so hard to stay strong when everything in me wanted him. I missed his kiss and the way it felt to be in his arms. When things were good between us they were so good. He let it all go so easily once before, and I needed to remember that.
“You ready to eat?” I looked up and found Carson watching me closely. I nodded and pushed the notion of happy ever afters out of my mind. Things were different, and I needed to remember how easy it had been for him to let me slip through his fingers. I couldn’t falter. I needed to
take things slow. Yeah, slow was good.
Chapter Fifteen
Carson
“How are things going with Kate?” Max grabbed a bottle of water from his gym bag. I had stuck with the daily workout routine. It not only helped fight the urge to drink, but with my new job. I was now on the police force.
When I got the call that I had been accepted, the first thing I wanted to do was share the news with Kate. The only problem was she wasn’t there next to me where she should have been.
“Things have been okay, I guess. I mean, we’ve had dinner a few nights here and there. I stop by and spend a few hours with Carley, but that’s all it is… my time with Carley. It’s been over a month and half since she was born, and it’s killing me that I barely see them.” I ran my hands through my hair, letting out a frustrated breath. “I know I fucked up, man, really fucked up. I just thought I could have fixed it by now. The problem is I’m not sure I can fix it, ya know? I’m not sure she even wants to be with me anymore. It’s like we take a step in the right direction, and then, bam, we come to a screeching halt.”
The thought almost crippled me. That girl had ruined me for any other woman, and she would always be the one girl who completed me. I needed her, and I wouldn’t stop until I had her back. I had to figure out how to show Kate how much she meant to me.
“You still in for Friday night?”
I looked at Max and scrunched up my eyebrows in confusion.
“Dude, its Zander’s party. Riley’s been planning this for two weeks now. If you don’t show, she’s gonna kick your ass.”
Zander’s surprise party was the last thing on my mind. On second thought, Kate would be there. A night out with her could be really good, right?