by Thomas Brown
Thom is gawking at Sarah. Daniel is now a secondary character in this short film. The crowd sways and swells as the train approaches. He loses her several times but keeps his eyes on the space where he thinks she is. He barely notices Daniel is gone until the train shoots through the left-hand side of the screen.
The crowd is moving back like it is being showered with glass. Faces are contorted with shock. The doors remain shut as the whole platform seems to freeze. Thom has to look at the clock to see that time is still moving.
He is searching the spot where she’d been standing. And then he sees it. As the people continue to move back, he sees a hand outstretched, holding a piece of material. This could mean nothing, but Thom knows inside, that it is her. He also knows that despite the fuzziness of the screen, the material is a scarf. And although it is a black and white picture, Thom is also certain the scarf is red. It is Daniel’s.
49 The Video
Thom presses the eject button and snatches the DVD. Sam immediately tries to block Thom’s exit but his body is slumped slightly, showing that he isn’t convinced he has the right to.
“Are you going to stop me, Sam?” Thom dares him. “Are you going to stop me having the video showing my own brother’s death?” Thom shakes it in Sam’s face. “Would it be better to leave it here so it can collect dust?” Thom spits.
“I shouldn’t have even shown you it”. Sam shuffles on his feet. “And you seem to be obsessed with that woman in it. Are you going to try and find her?”
“I don’t need to. I already know her”, Thom tells him, smugly.
“Are you going to hurt her?”
“Did you show this to the police?”
“Yes I did, last week – I promise”. Sam nods vigorously, emphasising to Thom that he has completed all the ‘right’ actions, although delayed.
“And they didn’t see that he was pushed?” Thom’s limbs are flailing beyond his control. Sam is pressed against the door, looking as though he wishes he were on the other side of it. “They said it just looked like a jumper”, Sam repeats and winces as he speaks, waiting for the repercussions he doesn’t personally deserve.
“A jumper?” Thom laughs bitterly. “A fucking jumper? Are they blind?” Thom screeches. “She’s standing right behind him. She’s holding onto his scarf”.
“I don’t think they saw what you saw”, Sam argues, holding his hands up.
“No one seems to”. Thom is feverish, his clothes drenched, the sweat from his hair dripping onto the dusty floor. “No one can see what I see. That you’re all liars, that you all betrayed us, that he only wanted to show us the truth”.
“Take it. But please don’t hurt anyone”. Sam moves away from the door.
Thom holds out his hand. “I need your keys”.
“Did you hear me tell you not to hurt anyone?” Sam lets his hand linger above Thom’s as he gives up his keys.
“I heard you”, Thom says, snatching them and flinging the door open. “But I don’t think I can promise that”, Thom calls back as he runs towards the exit. He unlocks the door hastily and throws the keys on the floor.
As Thom bursts out onto the platform, he knocks out a man with the door. The man sags to the ground, cradling his head. Some people quickly gather around the man, and one of them bends down, trying to look at the injured man’s face.
Someone begins to confront Thom but cowers away when he sees that Thom is wet with sweat and all his veins are thick underneath his skin, like pipes about to burst. Thom quickly forgets the scene and runs towards the exit. He passes many people, he barges through the barrier behind someone else, he dodges the cars in the road, yet he feels immune.
If Thom had been thinking, he would’ve known there is no other place he can go. With the DVD clenched in his aching hand, he looks up at the building. It has become his comrade, the friend he keeps around who reflects his mood. It is the place that still connects him to her.
As he unlocks the front door, he thinks about where he is. He thinks about how there is only a slight chance she will actually be here. Yet Thom feels his heart honing in on something or someone and with each step, he feels more certain. As he turns the key in the lock, he can see her turning towards him, smiling?
Yet he is greeted by no one when the door of the bedsit creaks open. He sags against the door frame for a moment, before accepting it and wandering inside. He slumps onto the bed, the DVD still fastened to his hand, almost cutting through his skin.
The bed is still unmade since he was last here. He looks at the disc in his hand and shoves it into the covers, burying it.
Thom gets up and walks to the window. He tweaks the blind, the dust coating his fingers. He leaves his fingerprints on the slats, so if a policeman investigates later, he will know that Thom has been here. He will be implicated. They can accuse him of stealing something or hurting someone because he has left something behind.
“Thom?” a voice says from behind him. He wonders why it is a question. She must know it is him. Who else would be in her bedsit? Who else looks like him? Except Daniel… That thought makes Thom’s chest flush cold as if someone has pulled the toilet handle.
“Sarah”, he says, turning. Sometimes when he says her name now, he blushes. After all, it isn’t really her name but he is holding onto it, as he is holding onto her.
After seeing her in the video, he thought when he saw her, he’d attack her. He thought he’d scratch her pale cheeks, tear at her bouncy curls. Yet, as he looks into her eyes and she smiles at him, the coldness rushes out of him and his blood flushes instantly warm instead.
“I hoped you’d be here”, she says, closing the distance between them. At first, Thom jumps back, crashing against the blinds. Her face momentarily twitches, yet she shakes out her curls, dismissing it. “I’ve missed you”. She smiles, holding up her hand in openness. Thom stares at her fingers, shaking in the air and finally locks his hand with hers.
“Have you really missed me?” Thom asks quietly. She reaches up with her other hand and plucks at some of Thom’s hair. He shakes her touch off, but smiles faintly. He feels like he is seeing her through a heavy fog. He can’t help grasping onto her hand for fear he will lose her, for fear he’ll slip further into the fog and never climb his way back out.
All the time he is looking at her, half of his mind is preoccupied with the video. He is playing the scenes over in his head. They are flashing across half her face like a horror film, and he is helpless to change the ending. He wants to rewind everything, never let the clock reach 15:32. Yet it isn’t to save Daniel as much as to save himself.
“Where have you been?” he asks, pulling her into him. Her heart drums against his body. He wonders what she has to feel so anxious about. Has she seen the DVD buried in the covers some-how? Is she going to leave him? Thom squeezes her tighter at these thoughts, trying to decide which option is worse.
“I’ve been thinking a lot. I’ve been resting”, she answers simply. Yet Thom knows there is much more she is leaving out. Does she know she killed Daniel? Or has her damaged mind hidden it from sight underneath the madness and delusion?
“You feel better”. Thom nuzzles his words into her neck. She smells like soap and toast. Thom thinks about eating breakfast with her, about reading the paper with her – ordinary things they have missed out on since they met. How can he really have a relationship with this woman? This murderer?
Yet the word murderer offends Thom. How can he possibly attach that evil concept to his beautiful Sarah? Even if she pushed him, there must be a reason. Daniel must have hurt her, or he has imagined it all.
“I’m much better than I was”. Sarah nods gently. Thom presses his thumb against her cheek, her pulse and his pulse mixing together until he can’t separate them. Thom doesn’t think he can ruin her now, after all, she has made progress and she looks happier. When she smiles at him now, it makes him want to slap her and squeeze her in the same moment.
“I’m so happy for you”, Thom croaks.
Yet his eyes are welling up with water and threatening to spill over like an avalanche gathering momentum. Sarah grabs him by the wrists.
“You’re not okay though are you?” Thom wants to let his legs melt. He wants to sink. He wants her to love him so much that he will forget everything on that disc and everything he knows.
“Sarah, I need to…” Thom begins, yet he can’t finish. He won’t only be finishing a sentence; he will be finishing both of them. He digs himself a burrow in her arms. Her chest is sticky against his cheek. As he inhales her sweat, he looks down and sees the top of her breasts.
Thom thinks then about the day of the phone call. The moment he stopped, as though in preparation for the news that would jar his routine forever, jab a stick into the spokes of the wheels that make his world turn. He’d been worried he wouldn’t be able to move from the desk, wouldn’t be able to meet Emma and lie next to her in bed. And now, all he can think about is touching Sarah instead.
Thom lifts his head up, catching the softness in her expression as she’d been looking down at him. She instantly corrects herself, as though her feelings are a secret she doesn’t want him to discover. Thom stands face to face with her, their toes touching, their hands grasping onto one another’s. He is thinking about how it is so simple to kiss her and, at the same time, how his fingers are tingling in anticipation of strangling her.
So Thom kisses her instead. The throbbing anger and confusion suck desperately at her, trying to recover something caring instead. It strikes him that getting these things from a murderer is a paradox but he can’t stop. Her lips seem even softer than only a few days before. The longer he kisses her, the more he wants to kiss her and get dragged into her mouth, into her body.
She brings him closer and slides her hand underneath his top. It feels cold, so he tracks its every movement over his stomach and chest. She digs her nails into his side and feels the grooves of his ribs that have become more prominent over the last few weeks. Thom wonders whether he should touch her and decides that she made the first move, so why not? He has one hand on her hip, on top of her clothes and he now moves the other underneath her top and up her back.
Her backbone curves beneath his touch. Her body wriggles in his arms; pressing so hard into him he almost falls backwards. In the next moment, she is pulling off his shirt. It almost pains them to part for those few seconds. Their lips instantly spring back together as Thom’s top lands on the floor.
The longer Thom kisses her; each second feels like he is withering inside. As his hands grip onto her and his muscles tense and relax, he feels like he is shrinking inside. He begins to feel like he is floating or that he is standing on top of a high building, staring at the dizzying lights below.
Sarah pulls back, sensing Thom’s distraction. His eyes directed at the floor, as though they are being circled by sharks. She takes him by the hand and leads him over to the bed. Thom suddenly remembers the DVD buried there and rushes forward, flinging the duvet towards the wall.
Sarah raises an eyebrow at Thom, worried by his sudden surge of energy and by just how keen he is to get her into bed. Thom realises these same things as Sarah thinks them and instantly says, “The sheets haven’t been changed”, blushing. Sarah nods dismissively and sits beside him.
Thom has forgotten that the last person she kissed before him is Daniel and, before that, she was raped. And Sarah has forgotten that he attacked her brother, that he is Daniel’s relative and that he is slowly losing grip on reality. There are only the two of them, in this darkened room filled, for once, with life.
As the thought that she has murdered his brother flickers through his mind, it sparks him into leaning forward and giving her a long hard kiss. She grabs hold of his face and pulls him even closer, moaning quietly and pushing her lower body into his side. He imagines he can feel her clit, hard against his hip.
He forces himself to pull away, staring into her eyes for a moment and slowly moving his hand up to unbutton her shirt. She watches his hand moving down her top, smiling faintly to reassure him, until her stomach and breasts are exposed. He gently releases her bra, then instantly presses her body against his.
Sarah pushes Thom down onto the bed, moving on top of him. She closes her eyes, imagining he is already inside her. She bends down, kissing him and reaching down to undo his belt and trousers. Thom almost gags at the speed of this, and can’t help remembering the man who hurt her. Why does she trust Thom? He is a violent and reckless person who knows her secret.
Thom thinks about confronting her then but his resolve is broken. He is torn between the curiosity he has inexplicably felt for her since he first saw her in the front garden and the desire to avenge Daniel. Yet as Sarah eases his trousers off and her own, and continues to move against him, the moment overtakes. All Thom wants then is to get inside her.
Sarah is afraid but thinks taking control will help her. She reasons she also trusts Thom, that she loves him, and therefore he is the right person to open up to once again. Feeling certain of this, she eases herself onto him and presses her body down until he is fully inside her. She winces half in pleasure and half in pain, adjusting to the feeling again. Thom feels her getting wetter, his eyes closed as he moves her up and down by guiding her hips.
Thom lifts his hands up to her breasts, rubbing them over her erect nipples, making her squirm for a moment but then relax, pushing her body down on him harder. He is watching her, the display of her pleasure, still asking her in an unspoken way if this is all okay.
She presses down on his chest, his heartbeat thudding under her hands, sweat gathering on their skin. Time seems to have slowed down but only a minute or two has passed.
When Thom sees Sarah close her eyes, leaning backwards and her chest reddening, Thom allows himself to come. He thrusts hard several times and finally feels release. Sarah moans softly.
As Sarah falls on top of him, her breaths rapid against his cheek, Thom finds he can’t do the same. He tries a few deep intakes of air but his chest feels constricted. Sarah unknowingly nuzzles into his neck but he pushes her off. Looking hurt, she begins to speak but stops as Thom jumps to his feet.
He presses against his chest, trying to force an opening for air. Yet, he still can’t breathe. Sarah gets up and tries to comfort him but he shakes his head, his vision beginning to recede. A huge circle of darkness begins to burn at the corner of his eyes and slowly spreads. He thinks that this must be how it happens – this must be how he dies.
The darkness is nearly complete and Thom is being surrounded by a tunnel, closing its mouth around him. In the last flash of light, he sees Sarah. Staring out of the darkness, Thom knows she is waiting for him, as she waited for the train to emerge from that tunnel, in order to kill his brother. Falling now, Thom realises he can’t escape the truth, the video, the tunnel. For one last moment, his body tries to keep him from all these things.
50 Blood and Truth
Thom screams and claws himself out of the dark. He can’t help thinking this is a familiar feeling since the moment he answered the phone and had been told about Daniel’s death. The ink on the note only dragged him further into the darkness, the unknown, the unrelenting pull into a set of jaws that keep chewing him apart inch by inch.
He realises Sarah’s arms are around him. He smells the dampness of the room before his eyes slowly adjust to the light. As he rolls onto his side, he notices a few dead insects on the floor under the window and a layer of dust coating the floor. His body is aching as though he has been running for miles. Part of him thinks that this is apt, as he has been running from his old life and the truth for far too long.
“I know”, Thom grunts as he heaves himself to a sitting position. Sarah is still only a fuzzy shape to Thom. Despite this, Thom feels a definite alteration at his words. It is as though a sudden beam of light has appeared or the room has slowly begun to slant.
“What do you mean, Thom?” she asks quietly. She is pulling on clothes as she talks, as though planning to flee.
Thom refocuses on her face. He realises then that he is still naked and grabs at his t-shirt that has been deserted on the floor. Then he struggles to pull on his jeans, nearly toppling as he tries to zip them up.
“I think you know exactly what I mean”, Thom sneers and adds for emphasis, “I mean that what you’ve been running from is exactly the thing I’ve been chasing”.
Sarah narrows her eyes at his words, trying to decide whether he is hinting at what she thinks he is. He wonders what questions are going through her mind like a whirlwind: what does he know? How does he know? What should she do now?
“Thom…” she starts but he cuts in.
“No”. He stamps his foot. “I’ve had enough lies from you”.
“I don’t want to lie to you anymore…” she whines, holding her hands out to him. He takes them without thinking. When he looks at them, he can’t see Daniel’s blood covering them but at the same time, he can’t ignore the fact that they are the reason he is dead.
“I saw the video of the day he died”, Thom tells her. When he had imagined this moment as he’d run away from the station, there was shouting and crying and perhaps even blood. Yet looking into her face now, seeing her struggling to meet his eyes and her shoulders weighed down with guilt, he feels calmer. He loves her, despite everything.
...
I shudder inside as he says the words. Why did I never think of a video? I should’ve got there first, to stop him ever finding out. Surely he will lash out now? I have killed someone, and this someone was his cousin.
Lots of pointless words come into my head at once. I filter each one, deciding they will be even more useless to Thom. Although, one feeling overwhelms everything: relief. No more hiding, no more running – I can stand before him and he can see every dark crevice and glaring scar.
Mum, I’m coming clean about everything. You would be proud of me for that at least.