Shit. Shit, shit, shit!
He glanced at Carlos and mouthed the word, “Later.” Then he walked to the door of the bay, and, taking Sass by the arm, he led her to a private but cluttered corner of the shop. “Sass, I’m so sorry, let me explain—”
“Explain? Why on earth do you need to explain?” Moving out from his grasp, she continued in a strange monotone voice, “The rest of the parts will be in tomorrow. Your car will be ready by three.” She turned and walked away, leaving Jordan to stare after her.
…
She went directly to Buck’s office and shut the door and locked it. She couldn’t risk anyone coming in, not Al, not Manny, certainly not Carlos…none of them. She knew from limited experience that once the tears started, they’d be impossible to turn off.
Her eyes burned as she peered around Buck’s cluttered office, at the cabinets piled high with papers, the walls covered in old hot rod calendars dating back to the early nineties. It was all going to be gone. All of it. Buck was getting married, that was a shock, but not life-threatening. The shop, on the other hand, the loss of the shop… A sob slipped between her lips and Sass wiped her runny nose on her sleeve. This was her home. This and the cabin were the only places on earth she’d ever felt she belonged.
She rolled the chair back so she could hang her head, letting the tears flow freely. They dripped one after the other, making little stains on the concrete. She wanted to kick, to scream, to tear the office apart. But she couldn’t. It wouldn’t make any difference. Buck already had offers. He’d had the lawyer draw up documents before he left. And he’d done it all without asking, without consulting, without even worrying about how she’d feel.
Her dream of running Hogan’s was never going to happen and Buck, one of the few men she trusted, didn’t seem to care.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
“Sass?”
Shit. Jordan was on the other side of the door. The last thing she needed was to see him. He was another good thing in her life that was coming to an end. Forever.
“Sass, we need to talk. Can you open the door please?” He rattled the locked knob.
After hanging up from the atom bomb that Buck had dropped, she felt like a zombie walking through the shop and standing in the bay where Jordan and Carlos were discussing the car. Sass couldn’t hear them, but by the way Jordan touched the finished paint product, with reverence, he appeared pleased. She’d been so upset by Buck’s news, she couldn’t even bring herself to tell him the truth. It didn’t seem important anymore that Jordan know who did it.
“Come on, Sass. Let me explain.”
She wiped her whole face on her sleeve and sniffed. What did he think needed an explanation? The fact that he was leaving tomorrow? She’d always known he would leave and had reminded herself of it daily while she went at her speed bag.
Her plan had been to spend this last night with him at the cabin. She’d even convinced herself to stay the night. Just once.
But now…now there was no way she could handle that kind of good-bye. It’d kill her. Her heart would never recover.
“Sass…”
“Go away.”
She walked up to the door and laid her palm against it, as if his hand was on the other side and they were touching. It took all her effort to control her features, to keep her breakdown in check. Thank God she didn’t have to do this face-to-face.
“Please, Sass.”
“Go away. I don’t want to see you again, Jordan. Do you understand?”
Silence. Then, “Yeah, Sass. I understand.”
Chapter Sixteen
What the hell was going on? Jordan sat in the parking lot at Hogan’s completely and utterly confused. For the last twenty-four hours, guilt, shame, and sorrow gnawed on him like some flesh-eating disease, making it impossible to eat or sleep. This afternoon he’d shown up at Hogan’s resolved on seeing Sass and somehow making it right.
Except she wasn’t there. Gone to the airport to pick up Buck, Alice had said.
That wasn’t the strange part. The strange part was when he went to pay for the repairs Alice had handed him a sealed envelope and told him Sass had settled his bill, all of which was explained in the note which was short and to the point, like the woman herself.
Jordan,
As discussed earlier, you don’t owe me a dime. I would appreciate it if you would never mention any of this to anyone.
Thanks, Sass.
It didn’t make sense. None of it made sense. As discussed earlier? When did they ever discuss the cost of the repairs? And, more importantly…was she insane? Of course she was. He’d suspected as much from the first day he met her and he loved it about her. She was good insane. Unpredictable insane. Live-by-the-seat-of-your-pants insane.
But this? This was a new brand of insanity and Jordan could not make heads or tails out of it.
He reread the note for the hundredth time, flipping it over and checking the envelope just to make sure. Nope. No phone number, no mention of their relationship, nothing about what she overheard in the shop. Nothing.
Dammit! He needed to talk to her. But, he also had to get back to Denver. He’d already called home and, after being reamed out by his brothers, he’d assured Blake he’d be by the shop before it closed at seven. That left him only one option. Somehow, he had to get hold of Sass.
His first stop was at the Pharmasave to borrow a phonebook. Just as he was approaching the register, the checkout girl glanced up and smiled. “Well, if it isn’t Jordan Michaels. Your eye is looking much better.”
“Hey, Libby.”
“How can I help you?”
“Actually, I was going to ask for a phonebook, but you’re even better. Do you have Sass’s cell number?”
“Sass doesn’t have one. I know, right? The girl lives in the dark ages. But, she says she doesn’t need it. Do you want her home number?”
“Sure.”
Libby tore a piece of receipt paper off the register and jotted the number down for him. “You want me to give her a message of something?”
“No.” Jordan turned to go. “Wait,” he stopped. “Tell her…tell her…” Jordan jingled his keys against his thigh and then said, “Tell her I’m thinking about her.”
Libby grinned. “You bet. See yah around, Mr. Michaels.”
So, Sass hadn’t told Libby who he really was yet. Did that mean anything? Before climbing back into his car, Jordan stopped, considering something he hadn’t before. What if Sass didn’t care? What if it really had been only about sex and she was glad to see the back end of him, regardless of what his last name was?
No. Even if that were true, she’d still be pissed he lied.
Once seated inside the car, Jordan pulled out his cell and dialed Sass’s number. His preference was to give this speech in person but he couldn’t wait around for Sass to get back from Denver. Besides, based on yesterday, she wasn’t about to give him the time of day. The best he could hope for was a voice mail.
After the fifth ring, Sass’s voice came on. “Leave a message.”
“Hey, Sass? It’s Jordan. I wish I could tell you this in person, but, ah, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have lied to you. I know. It was a stupid thing to do. I wanted to tell you who I really was but I was afraid of your reaction. But I can’t lie anymore. I’ve offered Carlos a job, and I think he’s going to take it. I know this is going to be a blow to Hogan’s, but I hope you’ll forgive me. I need to do this. Can you understand that? I never meant to hurt you. Sass, I just want to talk to you in person.” He paused. “And, what the hell is this about not paying my bill? Of course I’m going to pay it.
“Anyway, give me a call.” He left his number and prayed she’d forgive him.
…
Buck and Sass rode the whole two-and-a-half hours from Denver in complete silence. For Buck, silence was typical. For Sass, it wasn’t. Yet, she couldn’t bring herself to talk about his big news on the road. She had to pretend, for just a while longer, that things were the sam
e as they’d always been.
But things weren’t the same. It was apparent from the moment she saw Buck in the airport. He was still Buck, big and tall with thick salt-and-pepper hair, but there was something different too. He was tanned, he looked fit and—dammit—he seemed younger. He was a new man and Sass didn’t know what to make of him, let alone what to say to him.
It wasn’t until they were back at home and Buck had dropped his bags in his room, before heading to the kitchen to pull two cold ones out of the fridge, that any form of communication began.
“Here. Sit down.”
Sass accepted the beer but said, “I’d rather stand.”
Buck sighed. “You’re upset.”
“You think?”
“I should’ve told you sooner.”
“No shit, Sherlock.”
Buck rubbed his jaw and then took a drink. “It’s a lot to take in. I know. There’s going to be big changes ahead for both of us.”
She paced, “Buck, I know you think you’re in love but, you’re doing some pretty crazy things that make me think—”
“I don’t think I’m in love. I am in love.” He came up behind her and put his big hands on her shoulders. It was strange because Buck had never been touchy-feely. She hadn’t grown up with a lot of hugs. “I’m so sorry I didn’t say something sooner. I don’t know if this sounds dumb, but it’s like, things have been so good with Mary-Lynn, I was afraid if I talked about it, I might jinx it or something.” He sighed and squeezed. “I’m ready, Sass. It’s been almost twenty years since your mom died.”
She didn’t say anything, because she couldn’t argue with him. If he wanted to get married, that was his business. It was everything else. She waited for him to continue, but he didn’t and after a time, he finally sat back down again. “Would you have a seat, please?”
It took two more swallows of beer before Sass was ready to turn around and sit across the table from her father.
“Your mother was an amazing woman.” Buck paused and Sass willed him to go on. How was she amazing? What was she like? Was Sass like her in any way? In her mind, Sass pleaded with Buck to continue. But when he did, it was off in a different direction, avoiding the topic she craved most.
His voice was low, almost inaudible when he said, “Sometimes it’s hard just having you…”
Sass stared at the tabletop as she listened to Buck and his inability to finish. So, it was as she’d always assumed. Her presence made it difficult for Buck. That was why he never spoke of her mom.
“It was so hard when she died. I felt so…responsible.” Buck cleared his throat. “But time goes by. The hurt…fades. A man…” Buck shook his head. “Dammit, Sass. I’m no good at this shit, you know that.” He stood up and pulled a photo out of his back pocket. He placed it on the table and slid it across to Sass. “This is her.”
Sass scrutinized it. The woman appeared to be in her midfifties, blond, blue-eyed, lots of makeup, nicely dressed. She looked…sweet. “What does she do?”
“She’s a real-estate agent in West Palm Beach.”
“Huh.”
“I know if you’d just give her a chance, you’ll like her.”
Based on her picture, Sass would have absolutely nothing in common with the woman. “So, when do I get to meet this Mary-Lee?”
“She’s flying in Sunday. I booked a hotel and I thought the three of us could spend some time together in Denver. I’ve got some business in town next week anyway.” Buck nudged Sass. “And it’s Mary-Lynn.”
Sass tapped her toe under the table as she chewed on this information, recognizing Mary-Lynn was the least of her worries. “Getting married is one thing, you know? But the shop? Why didn’t you at least warn me?”
“I couldn’t very well explain wanting to sell the shop without telling you about Mary-Lynn.”
“Buck, do you realize you’re ruining my life?”
He sighed. At first she thought it was out of guilt, but she soon realized it was something else. “I’m not trying to ruin your life, Sass. I just want to live mine.” He drummed his fingers on the kitchen table and continued, “A man gets to a certain age and looks back and says, ‘What exactly have I done with my life?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means that the two best things I’ve ever accomplished were marrying your mother and having you. I’ve run Hogan’s for nearly thirty years and, after your mom died, well, raising a daughter on my own was a big responsibility.” He tapped his fingers some more. “You’re grown up now. The shop runs itself. And…see, Sass, there’s a big difference between living and existing.”
“So you’ve only been existing since Mom died?
“No,” he moved to the window and gazed out. “I don’t know. I just know that since Mary-Lynn has come into my life, I feel different. Life feels different. It’s like I have a second chance.”
“But why sell? You know how much I love it. I can run the shop.”
Buck turned and smiled sadly. “There’s a big world out there, Sass. I’m doing this as much for you as for me.”
Chapter Seventeen
Sass spent the night at the cabin. As if she didn’t have enough on her mind, her father’s marriage, the sale of the shop, the loss of her livelihood and everything else she’d ever known, the minute she entered the cabin she was struck by images of Jordan. And she was reminded of just one more thing she cared about and lost. She’d seen the look in Jordan’s eyes that last time in the shop. Guilt. Hardened guilt. Just like Dex. Jordan didn’t have to say a word because she recognized the meaning behind the guilt. Jordan was leaving and he didn’t want to have anything more to do with her.
At least he’d apologized.
To make matters worse, the place still smelled like him, some combination of a fancy aftershave, fresh herbs, and Jordan’s own personal musk. Lying in the bed without him made her want to get up and go somewhere else, like the Greenwood Inn, but there were too many memories there, too. Instead she took the pillow from the other side of the bed and hugged it to her, holding on to it all night, smelling it, snuggling it as if it were Jordan, as if it were her first real sleepover.
By the time she returned home the next day, Buck had already left for the shop. As she walked through the only house she’d ever known, she tried to imagine what it would be like with Buck gone for good. She couldn’t imagine it. There was Buck’s chair. His magazines. His collections of VHS tapes and DVDs. His old jackets and ball caps. His tools and work gloves and boots and…there was the picture, the family picture, of Buck, her mother, and her. Would he take it with him, or leave it for her?
Sass moved as if in a trance through every room of the house, trying her best to imagine it without her father, but having no success. Finally, she stopped in the kitchen and turned slowly in a circle. Then she fell into a chair with her hands on her head, about to lose it. If she let go of her skull, her head would explode. What was she going to do?
Searching the kitchen counter as if hoping to find some kind of clue, Sass noticed the red, blinking light of the answering machine. With a body that felt like lead, she pulled herself up and pressed the play button. Her heart scrambled up her throat and dropped onto the floor when she heard the voice.
“…Sass? …I wish I could tell you…”
She pressed stop.
No. She did not need to listen to a message from Jordan. Not now. Not when everything else was falling apart. Her finger hovered over the erase button but she stopped herself. She needed breakfast.
Sass opened the fridge and pulled out some orange juice. She found a box of Cap’n Crunch in the cupboard and poured herself a bowl using milk that was just past its expiration date but still smelled okay.
Why the hell was Jordan calling? He’d said his good-bye in the form of an apology. She’d been pretty clear about how she felt, too. Why call? Maybe there was a problem with the car. Or, maybe he’d noticed the signature panel and realized she was the one who’d fixed it.
/>
Sass grinned, biting her lip, wishing she could have been the one to have told him. She wanted to see his face. The surprise. The doubt. The wonder.
What had he said on that message?
She got up and pressed play again. The way he said her name in that deep voice created a tickling sensation in the pit of her stomach. She stopped the message and played it again.
“…Sass? …I wish I could tell you …” Stop. “…Sass? …I wish I could tell you …” Stop. “Sass?…”
What did he wish he could tell her? That she was an amazing mechanic? That she was amazing, period? She carefully pressed play again.
“…I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have … wanted … you … but I was … anymore…”
Stop.
There were words missing in between what was recorded and she tried to fill in the blanks but it was impossible. All she came up with was, I knew I shouldn’t have wanted you.
“Yeah? Well, I don’t want you either, asshole,” she said to the machine, pushing it to the back of the counter, her finger hovering once more over the erase button. “Forget it,” she muttered and went back to the table to finish her cereal.
After breakfast, she took a shower and dressed. She was about to leave for the shop but as she passed through the kitchen, it was as if the answering machine was a blinking neon light, saying, Play Me, Play Me, Play Me. Resting her elbows on the counter, she chewed her lip while staring at the play button.
What the hell?
She reluctantly pressed the button, cringing through the part where Jordan seemed to say he didn’t want her.
Then, “… Carlos a … blow to … you’ll … do this. … I never meant to… Sass, I just want … you in person. … my bill? Of course I’m … number is…”
Hmm.
That last bit made no sense. Sass listened to the message again and then once more. The tape was so messed up it was impossible to tell what Jordan was really saying. She grabbed the truck keys but stopped to play the message one more time, closing her eyes as she listened to his voice. When it got to his number, Sass realized all ten digits were there.
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