As she picked up the phone again frustration rushed through her. Where the hell was he? He could be anywhere. The hospital. The other side of the world by now. Or the other side of the wall. She’d rung his room too many times to count, had listened to the phone ringing off the hook through the elaborately patterned wallpaper.
Zac? We need to talk.
More silence.
The romcom movie on the TV was driving her mad with its love conquers all message. The lovers wedded and bedded. The soundtrack, some soppy tune filled with sloppy sentiment, brought brief tears to her eyes. But nothing was ever like in the movies, with the assured happy ending and eternal belief in love. For a balmy few hours she’d allowed herself to believe in the dream, but in reality it had never had a chance.
Zac! Answer me!
Flicking the mute button on the TV she crawled onto her bed and craned her neck at the adjoining door to his room. Listened hard. Sure enough his message ringtone beeped.
Anger mingled with the frustration into a hard knot in her gut. He’d been there how long?
Busted! You are next door. So ANSWER me.
Again the message tone. She tapped her fingertips on the cell phone keypad, waiting for him to answer. Felt the vibration before her own ringtone sang.
Matt’s in surgery. Gall bladder. He’ll be fine but out for the tournament.
She contemplated throwing the phone across the room. But at least he’d answered. Cold and impersonal, and not what she’d hoped for, but better than nothing.
Is that it? I don’t get an apology?
She could have sworn she heard him curse. Although it may have been a door slamming further down the corridor.
Apology for what?
Being pig-headed and trying to save me. AGAIN!
A hard rapping made her jump. She hurtled across the room and swung the door open. ‘Zac?’
He leaned against the doorjamb, arms folded across his chest, muted frustration blazing in his eyes. ‘Next time you can damned well save yourself, woman.’
Next time? Everything about his stance, from his blazing eyes, the curled lip, the space he kept between them, told her he didn’t intend staying. ‘So I’ve been demoted from princess to woman, now?’
‘Personally I think it’s more like a promotion. You’ve earned your stripes. But take it how you want.’ Now he leaned closer, the scent that had been taunting her all day wafted round her. She wanted to grasp it, savour it, bottle it so she could take it out in the dark moments and keep him close.
‘And can you stop with the texting already? I’m trying to sleep. It’s been a hell of a day.’ The forced jollity in his voice zapped her strength.
‘I was starting to get concerned when you didn’t answer. It is normally a common courtesy to reply to a text.’ She yanked the door wider in an effort to entice him in, but he didn’t move. ‘So everything’s okay?’
‘Yep. Matt will be fine. You evened things out with Davide?’
‘Not really. He barely spoke to me the whole way back. One step forward, two steps back.’ She shrugged, forcing the ache in her throat to ease. So they were talking about everyone else, but not about them or where they were headed, or what they felt.
Hell, Zac was a master at avoiding that. He was a master at a lot of things. Being funny, tender, giving her what she needed, everything she asked for. Except himself. She swallowed hard. ‘Daddy didn’t take kindly to the laughter when we drove into the hotel. But he put up a brave fight. Told them he’d been treating me to a dad-daughter day out.’
‘That man sure can spin.’ His shoulders relaxed a little. He gave her a small smile. ‘I’m glad things are working out for you.’
‘I didn’t say that, we’ve a long way to go. Thank you for what you did, but you didn’t have to take the rap for me. Dealing with Jaxon like that was my idea all along and I’ll make that clear to Davide. I can fight my own battles.’
‘No point us both being out of a job. You’ve got a lot more at stake.’
‘Really? Davide versus Treetops. You win hands down.’
‘Well, it’s done now. So don’t argue.’ His chin jutted up. ‘As long as you’re okay, I should go.’
No. Was there any point in laying out her feelings to him? Would he treasure her words or throw them back in her face? The girl who’d asked for a day but wanted for ever. She didn’t want to take that risk. ‘Okay. Go.’
But he didn’t move. Silence stretched between them. He just kept looking at her and she looked straight back at him. Not really at his features—although they were intensely gorgeous—but the way he reached deep into her soul, the way he made her feel. The sheer beauty of the man. Heart and soul. There was so much she wanted to say to him but she didn’t know how. Didn’t want to turn their fling into something it wasn’t.
He shrugged. ‘Yeah. Okay. It’s late. Been a long day.’
She tried for light. ‘I don’t know why you’re standing here anyway, knocking on my door at this hour.’
‘Because I knew I’d get no peace unless... Oh, hell.’ He marched into the room and closed the door. For a moment she thought he was going to crush her against his chest and kiss her, but he brushed past, gripped the back of the chaise longue and stared out the window into the darkness. ‘Unless I said goodbye. Before I go.’
That was when her heart began to break.
* * *
He swiveled to face her. Dredging every bit of strength he could to say what he had to say. But the vulnerability in her eyes pierced his soul. He’d crashed in here wanting to purge himself, but what would that do to her? Why should he burden her with his past? With the reason he was walking out of here. Why should he tell her his true feelings? That he probably loved her. If that could be possible after such a short time. Certainly, he could grow to love her. Fall deeper. Harder.
Hell. Yes. The overwhelming need to protect her, to be with her, to touch her, all made sense now.
He hadn’t seen that coming and now the reality smacked him in the stomach like a low hard tackle.
He loved her.
Could it happen so quickly? So out of the blue. He’d been hiding from this kind of thing for so long he hadn’t seen the warning signs.
He loved her and there wasn’t a damned thing he could do about it except walk away. He was too coward, too driven. Too messed up by the mistakes and choices he’d made. Too tarnished by regret, by the knowledge that love and a career like his couldn’t exist hand in hand. The only blueprint he had was his parents’ sad existence and he couldn’t force that on anyone, least of all on Dani.
Dani, who he’d had no business falling in love with. Dani, who had fought a very public battle and come out stronger than anyone he’d ever met. Dani, who could have the pick of a million better men.
The ache in his stomach spread to his chest. Just seeing the uncertainty in her eyes made him know he was doing the right thing by walking away. He didn’t ever want to see her look like that again.
‘Sit down. Talk to me.’ She pulled him to the chaise, pushed a glass of apple juice into his hand. Sat opposite, trying her hardest to look disimpassioned, and failing badly. He could read her now, knew her brave attempts to rise above her emotions. Knew she was hurting as badly as he was. He controlled the wild beat of his heart and the urge to haul her into his arms. If he kept an emotional distance, didn’t tell her how much he’d fallen for her, how much he loved her, it would be easier to let her go. ‘Before you go where, Zac? Where are you going?’
‘Back to Auckland first thing tomorrow. But I’ve made a few calls and there’s a job coming up in Melbourne.’
‘Wow. Melbourne. That’s a long way.’ Her eyes widened, glistened. ‘You don’t waste time.’
‘I can’t afford to be out of a job.’ He forced juice down his dry throat, then put the glass on the coffee table between them. ‘Australia’s a big place, there are a lot of opportunities.’
‘And what about the opportunities here? I could talk to Davi
de.’ The hope in her voice almost broke him. ‘If you want... We could tell him about us. I could try to persuade him to keep you on...for my sake.’
He avoided her gaze. How much would she give up for him? Don’t. Don’t do that. I don’t deserve it. ‘I would never let you do that. Besides, it’s too late. I’ve resigned. Before Davide could sack me. It looks better on the CV that way.’
‘Oh sure.’ She slammed her fist onto the table, stood and stalked across the room. And then back to face him, her hands stuck on her hips. ‘Of course. The CV. I was right about you all along. Career comes first.’
‘It’s who I am. What I am. A doctor first. I never made you any promises.’
‘No, you didn’t. But hell, Zac, there’s more to your existence than work. What about a future? A family? A life?’
He reached for her, took her hand and pulled her to sit close. One last time. Was it only a few days ago they’d laughed on this couch? He’d barely slept for wanting to take her, be inside her. Be with her. What kind of a future could he give her? Not one he’d choose for a wife. And if that was where this conversation was heading—marriage and kids—he had to end it now before she got any more crazy ideas. Before he started to believe her. ‘Work is my life.’
‘Then too damned right it’s selfish. It’s all about you. There’s no room for compromise. Or is it just an excuse because you can’t commit to anyone but you?’
‘It’s a reality. I need to get money for the trust if not for anything else.’ He forced a smile. ‘The marathons are killing me. I need to give my legs a break.’
‘So you martyr yourself...’ She paused. Frowned. Twisted to face him, her eyes huge and bleak. And he waited for the inevitable. The one thing he knew he couldn’t avoid any longer. She looked at him, expecting him to be honest. ‘What the hell happened, Zac?’
His throat clogged with guilt and anger. Faced with telling her the bare facts he let his cocky mask slip. ‘I let Tom down when he needed me.’
‘I can’t believe that. How? You were there during his accident?’
‘No. That’s the point. I wasn’t.’ He dragged in oxygen, tried to shift the rock blocking his throat. But it didn’t work. He forced his words out. ‘I met him on my first day at school, we clicked straight away. He was like the brother I never had. We went on to med school together—always ultracompetitive at everything, either he came first or I did. If he won something I made sure he didn’t win it a second time. At med school I used to rib him that he had it easy—his parents paid—but I’d already fallen out with my parents over who they wanted me to be.’
‘I hear ya.’
‘But you have a chance to make things up with Davide. Take it.’ He smiled. They both had PhDs in dysfunction, but she would win Davide over. How could she not? ‘They pegged me to be a geologist like them, to work for their foundation. The family firm they called it. Which was a joke in the first place. We’re not a family. We’re a group of people who happen to be connected by bloodline.’
Stroking his hand she laughed. ‘You want to play who’s got the most dysfunctional family? Thinking I might win.’
‘Probably.’ The smile came from deep in his heart. They’d both had enough drama to last them a lifetime. ‘In the end I told them to stuff their bloody rocks. Paid my own way through med school. I wanted to show them. But just passing wasn’t good enough. I am my father’s son after all. I needed to be the best. I pushed myself. Worked hard. Played hard.’
She fired back at him. ‘There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be the best, but not to the detriment of a full life.’
‘Yeah, and that’s what me and Tom thought. We had a blast. Until the final year. Exam time. His course work had been poor, he’d dropped a few grades.’ Now the pressure in his chest started to push in, stopped his breath. But he’d shared so much more than he’d ever actually spoken out loud to anyone else. ‘He started acting a bit weird. Stayed in his room a lot. Wouldn’t come out to the bar. Stopped looking after himself. To be honest I lost focus on him a bit. My exams were so important to me, I had to pass. To show my parents. And I had to beat him.’
She frowned. ‘But that was just the same as normal, right?’
He couldn’t sit still any more, had to get up—get some space. Shift the tension in his body. He let her hand go and stood. ‘Looking back, he was acting far from normal. One day we were offered the chance to scrub in on a surgery. He said he didn’t want to, he was going home. And I was kind of glad—thought the extra hours with a surgeon would give me an edge. Just before Tom left he looked me in the eye and said, “Goodbye, Zac.” I was too hyped up about the surgery to notice his words. But later...after...I realised his intention. By then it was too late.’
‘What did he do?’ She covered her mouth with her hand, swallowed deeply. He watched the movement of her throat, the gentle softening of her features. Thought how easy it would be to melt into her arms and try to forget. But he couldn’t, wouldn’t ever forget, used Tom’s accident as a reminder of who he was. A doctor, first and last. Nothing more.
‘Drove his car into a wall. At high speed.’ It seemed so long ago and yet the hurt in his chest was fresh. Or was that the hurt of now? He didn’t know. A dark chasm opened up in his solar plexus. He’d lost the Tom he knew and now he was walking away from Dani.
She stood too, leaned against him and rubbed her palm up and down his back, her voice filled with concern and warmth. ‘Zac, I’m so sorry. But you must know it wasn’t your fault.’
‘How can you know that? How can I?’
Dani shook her head. Her mouth slanted into a thin line. ‘He did that to himself. He needed help.’
‘And I should have seen that but I was too focused on winning. Everything changed then. Our friendship, everything. I was so angry. Couldn’t forgive him for what he’d done. Couldn’t forgive myself for not being there.’ Still couldn’t. No matter how many marathons or mountains climbed. Couldn’t even bear to visit Treetops, a reminder of what Tom had become, in that damned chair. And of how much he’d lost. ‘The police said it was an accident, but I know. I know it wasn’t. What scares me is that I was so damned focused on my work I missed his symptoms—or chose not to look too hard.’
‘You mustn’t beat yourself up about this. The man seems fine now.’
‘You think?’ He turned to face her. ‘In a wheelchair?’
‘I mean, he seems really together. And you...well, actually, there was a tension between you. But you could do something about that if you wanted. Make it right between you. Talk to him, like this.’
‘I can’t. I’ve avoided anything deep with him for years. When I heard about Treetops and what he was trying to set up I jumped at the chance to help, but I don’t have any contact with him except for quarterly meetings. It’s not the same. We’re not mates.’
‘You could be again.’ Her eyes held a glimmer of hope he wanted to cling on to. ‘And so, what does all this mean for us?’
‘If I can choose not to save my friend what other dumb choices will I make in the pursuit of my dream job? Clearly I have a hard time sorting out my priorities between work and the people I care for. That day, I was assisting in theatre and we saved a kid’s life—I chose that instead of Tom. Medicine isn’t just a day job, something you get up and do and then forget. It’s about life and death and you carry it with you. I don’t ever want to be in a situation where I have to choose like that again. I don’t think I could.’
‘For goodness sake, Zac, it doesn’t have to be like that. Thousands of doctors marry and have happy family lives.’
‘When I was growing up I promised I’d give any kids I had a better experience than mine. Parents who were around. Who noticed you. To take this Jets job I had to give up a practice I’d spent years building, leave behind friends and family. Cut ties and take a risk on income while I retrained. But I was more than happy to do it. Broke apart everything I knew to rebuild. What would I choose to sacrifice with a wife and kids? Birthday pa
rties? Schooling? First steps? It’s not going to happen.’
As he said these words everything became clear to him—he’d spent his life trying to prove himself, but what had happened with Tom had knocked him sideways and veered him from his path. With the Jets he’d found it again, and needed to finally be who he wanted to be. Despite Davide, he’d find a way. Without the encumbrance of a family or a girlfriend.
Dani had been a delicious distraction but he had to let her go for both their sakes. She’d never know just how deeply he’d fallen or how hard it was to walk away. ‘And I’d be chasing the limelight. A high-profile job means high media interest. Interviews, cameras, invasion of privacy. I wouldn’t want to put anyone through that kind of pressure if they didn’t want it.’
‘But...’
‘No, Dani.’ He put a finger to her lips, so tempting to let her convince him. To pretend they could make it work. ‘Don’t ever put yourself at the bottom of anyone’s pecking order. You deserve to be cherished and loved and left in peace to live a happy life. Every single day.’
‘I could live with every other day.’ Her wobbly smile made his heart crumble into pieces.
He tore himself away from her. Stretched his arms, filled his lungs. Needed to breathe fresh air, to think. To plan. To gather the strength to walk. Needed to work out how he’d survive the next few days, weeks, without her. But he would. Hollow, perhaps. But still breathing.
* * *
The Last Doctor She Should Ever Date Page 15