I thought about his question, searching myself. I wanted this to be an honest conversation.
"No, not even a little bit. Anger isn't it."
"What is it then? The biggest one?"
"I'm not sure." I said slowly. "Sadness? Hurt? Confusion?"
"Jealousy?"
My eyes flew to his at that quiet question. I teared up as I searched his face. I nodded slowly.
"I thought that might be part of it."
We sipped in silence for a while.
"Your reaction took me by surprise." He said softly.
I looked at him, my eyebrows up.
"You seem so tough, that's all. I would have been less surprised if you were pissed, if you yelled at me the whole way home. I didn't expect tears."
"I didn't either."
We drank quietly some more.
"I never meant to hurt you."
"I know that." I said.
He looked at me, holding my gaze.
"I know." I said again. "I do. I realize that it wasn't intentional, honest. You wouldn't hurt me on purpose. I know that, deeply. Or I wouldn't be sitting here now. I wouldn't have come this far with you if I didn't believe that."
He nodded, breaking eye contact, satisfied with my answer.
The fact that I was hurt was something that had taken me by surprise, and I wasn't ready to examine that right now. That meant I hadn't protected my heart like I thought I had, and I wasn't ready to face that. Or anything that led to.
"I don't want to lose you over this. I care about you. I meant what I said last night. We don't have to ever go back there. You don't have to worry about that."
I nodded. I was glad he understood, and that he chose me. I was done with that place. All of those places. My intent when we started this adventure was pure, a little harmless fun. But now it was different. If I was starting to fall for him, I couldn't keep going there. If he was willing to not go there anymore either, to choose me over the lifestyle I introduced him to, well, that was all the answers I needed right now. The rest could wait.
Chapter 36
Or Not
Caleb and I talked on the phone a lot over the next week. Sunday, after our conversation on his patio, we let the subject drop. We tried to enjoy the day together and put the weekend behind us. I was grateful we tried to keep things as close to normal as we could, under the circumstances. I didn't want to dwell on things, especially since we came to an agreement that we were done in those sex clubs.
I wanted to move past it and see what a normal relationship with Caleb would be like. Since we addressed it early on his porch, the rest of the day didn't seem like there was a big elephant in the room. But, there was the fact that we didn't have sex again that weekend, which this week on the phone did feel like we were tiptoeing around a smaller elephant. I kept imagining this smaller elephant dressed as a french maid for some reason.
I didn't know what to think about this tulle-clad elephant. I was glad we didn't have sex right away. I wasn't sure I was ready, with the visuals I still had in my head of Caleb with her. They say if you fall off the horse you should immediately get back on, or it gets harder the longer you wait. I almost felt like we should have had sex, whether I really wanted to or not. To claim him back or something.
I was looking forward to Friday night and going back to our old routine. Until we could put some distance between that weekend and our new relationship, I was afraid things would be awkward.
* * * *
I dressed up for the club and for Caleb. I wanted to show him I was still the sexy, daring person he had originally been attracted to. The woman who was up for throwing her panties at him from a car and almost willing to ride naked through a drive-thru. I didn't want him to think anything other than my openness for the clubs had changed.
We met Caleb's crowd for dinner. Mark and Maria were lighthearted. Mark said his mom was doing well. She had come through her health issues better than anyone expected. Brenda had been able to join us again, so she and Jean rounded out our group. We hadn't spent much time all together since the night we went to the gay bar, so much of dinner was the four of us telling tales, filling Mark and Maria in on the night they missed. By the time we all got to the club, we were relaxed, laughing and ready to have a great time.
I danced with the girls a lot. All of them- Maria, Jean, Brenda and Kate and her group. I got quite a few close, slow dances in with Caleb as well. At one point we had to laugh because we spotted Tina at just about the same time that she spotted us. She stopped in her tracks, wide-eyed like a deer in the headlights. Then she turned around and walked away. No linebacker kisses tonight.
I filled Kate in when her and I were alone, telling her why we wouldn't be joining her and Michael tonight. She understood completely, not even rubbing it in that they tried to warn us about taking things slow.
The evening passed in a fun, care-free environment full of friends, drinks, dances and kisses. I realized I was relieved not to be going to That Other Club tonight. I had enjoyed the experience, for the most part, but I was glad to be able to move on from it. My curiosity about the whole scene had been satisfied. I now knew exactly what went on behind those closed doors. As much as I really liked certain aspects of that lifestyle, I knew in my heart I wasn't comfortable exploring that scene with someone I realized I had strong feelings for.
I mentioned that while Caleb and I were dancing. He had me tucked up against him as we moved, like he usually did. I leaned back from him a bit, so I could see his face as we talked.
"I am glad we aren't going with Michael and Kate anymore, you know. Thank you for going with me on that wild ride, there isn't anyone else I would have been open to trying all that with. I know we went too far, too fast, but I'm glad it was you that went too far and too fast with me."
Caleb looked down at me, confused. "You don't want to go tonight?"
It was my turn to look confused. "No. Of course not. We talked about this Sunday. You said we never had to go back, not to worry about it."
"I meant The Lakehouse. I'd never ask you to go back to The Lakehouse."
"Oh. I thought..."
"You don't want to go to That Other Club either? Ever?" Caleb asked me, seeming genuinely surprised.
I shook my head no, at a complete loss for words.
"I thought you liked it there? The dressing up in costumes. The shadow box. The sexy nakedness of the place."
"I did, but..."
Caleb kept going, "I know we went too far at The Lakehouse, but I thought we were just scaling back. Not stopping completely. I figured we would go back to where you were comfortable. We could still watch all the hot, crazy shit, and act it out at home together for a while. Like we did in the beginning. Like Michael and Kate do. Then maybe later on, way later on, if you were comfortable, we could start going slow. Just you and I in the back room, like we meant to. I'd even understand skipping a week or two, if you wanted. Or like the week after you blacked out, when we went but hardly left the table. I didn't realize you wanted to stop completely."
I looked up at him blankly. How could we have miscommunicated something so big? I thought he understood. When he asked me if it was jealousy. When he said he didn't mean to hurt me and that he cared about me. When he said he didn't want to lose me over this, and said we never had to go back, I thought that meant he understood, and he was telling me he had feelings for me, too.
I guess I was wrong. The thought hit me hard, and I started to tear up. I looked away from him, trying to control myself. I didn't want him to see that I was upset. That I thought he had chosen me over the clubs.
He doesn't care for me, not like I thought. Not like I care for him. Guys don't share the women they love. Guys cherish and protect the women they love. Guys share toys. Playthings.
That's what I am, I realized. That's what I've been from the beginning. When I yelled at him on the phone in the parking lot that I wasn't going to sit around and wait for him to pick me, at least I knew then where I st
ood. I had the guts to walk away at that point. And here I was, upset again, because he didn't pick me, but without the armor of anger and indignation to wrap around myself.
I did it to myself. I set out to use him, so I could see what went on in there. I made the mistake of falling for him. I didn't see that he was using me, too.
The song ended and I walked off the dance floor without waiting for him. I heard him call my name but I just kept walking, weaving through people, numb and empty. I walked outside for some air. I walked around the corner of the bar, where it was dark and no one was around. The golf cart was parked over here, so I sat in the seat.
"Is this seat taken?" I heard Caleb ask.
I didn't answer him. I couldn't. He sat down anyway. "I know what you're thinking, and it isn't true."
I knew if I tried to speak, I would cry instead. I didn't want him to see me fall apart again. Not this time. Not over him.
"I can read people, remember. You especially. You are open and honest and every emotion you feel flashes across your face. Even if I couldn't read people, I could read you. I have gotten to know you well over the past few months. You think I don't care about you. That I'm using you for these clubs."
I wiped away a traitorous tear that had the nerve to fall right then.
"I've tried to warn you, you know. Put barriers up toward you. Telling you I didn't want to get married, that I would first date someone else when I had a girlfriend. I could see you were falling for me, and I was trying to warn you off."
'Wow, I must be transparent.' I thought. I hadn't even known until my breakdown in his car that I was falling for him.
"I have come to care for you a great deal. I wasn't using you for the clubs. They know me there now, we have made friends. I could have gotten in without you. That was never what this was about. I care for you a lot, more than I've ever cared for anyone. But I have no interest in settling down. I don't want to get married, nor have kids. I never have. That's never been anything I've ever wanted. I can see that you have fallen in love with me. Honestly, I'm not real far behind you, but I'm not there yet. Not where you are.
You are the most adventurous, free spirited, loving, jump-into-the-deep-end-and-see-what-happens person I have ever met. If I had any want to settle down, any want at all, I would propose to you right now. I am quite certain you are probably the best thing that ever happened to me, and if I was anyone but me I would grab a hold of you and never let go. I know I wouldn't be good for you, not in the long run. For many reasons. I'm a cop. Cop marriages don't work. They end in heartbreaking divorce, tearing people apart. Or they end in death, when the officer doesn't make it home. I won't do that to a woman, or to any kids. I do love you, in my way. In the only way I know how. If you leave me, now, tonight, it would break my heart. But you would be better for it. I'll only hurt you.
About what just happened, on the dance floor. I really didn't realize you wanted to stop. You surprised me again. When I said we'd never go back, and you agreed, I thought we were both talking about The Lakehouse. I'm sorry. If I realized we weren't on the same page we would have talked more.
If I get to vote, and I hope I do, here's how I would like to see this go. I don't want to lose you over this. I meant that, but I would understand if we were through. I would like to keep dating you, calling you my girlfriend. We could take a week or two and discuss the clubs, honestly, once the emotion of tonight calms down. Obviously, if you didn't want to go back to any of them, that would be fine. That was just a part of our relationship. If you enjoyed the costumes and the shadow box and the show and wanted to keep our visits to only that club, and our exploits only to my bed, I would be fine with that. You are too special of a person to let go over something like that.
But you would have to realize that I never want to get married. If marriage and kids and a mortgage are what you are ultimately looking for, that isn't me. Life is short, I want to live it having fun. Hanging out with you is fun. There is still no one else I would rather be hanging out with but you. If that is enough for you, even just for a while, I would love to keep seeing you. I look forward to you coming over every weekend, no matter what plans we have made. I would be lonely without you, but I can't and won't make you any promises about forever.
You are welcome to come home with me tonight, I know neither one of us expected tonight to go like this. A lot has changed, but also nothing has changed. My feelings for you haven't changed. I think you have known for a while that forever probably wasn't in our cards, now those cards are just out on the table. That's all.
If you would rather not stay with me tonight, I understand that as well. I think either way, we are done here tonight. Yes?"
"Yes." It was the first thing I said since we came out here. My tears stopped, and I was oddly calm. He was right. He didn't say anything I hadn't already known if I was being honest with myself. But he was wrong when he said everything and nothing had changed. I had changed.
Chapter 37
Decisions
'I was the one who changed,' I thought as Caleb drove me either to his bed, or to my car., whichever I decided.
I was the one who changed the rules by asking him to go with me on my birthday. I was the one who decided to use him for my pleasure. I was the one who fell in love, and wanted to change the rules again. To take away the lifestyle I introduced him to. To tease him with this club scene and then yank it away.
I knew what I wanted now, and it was Caleb. He told me he loved me too, in his own way. "More than anyone before," he'd said. I remembered how he talked about his ex, the one he had lived with. He was hurt when she left, and kept all of her stuff for her return. How he went to lunch with her, forsaking me, for the possibility of someone he once loved. Maybe I didn't need the ring, or the kids. Maybe his kind of love was enough.
I thought about his reaction on the dance floor. In light of our golf cart conversation it made more sense. He had been surprised and confused. We misunderstood each other, that was all. He wasn't being malicious or selfish when he said "you don't want to go back? Ever?" He did care for me. He said we could stop going, if I really wanted. He wasn't choosing the clubs over me. Actually, he hadn't shared me with anyone. I was the one who shared him with someone. By accident, of course. We played with fire and had gotten burned. We didn't set out to swap. We just need to get away from the flames.
Outside, on the golf cart, he was being honest. Painfully honest. But it wasn't anything I hadn't already told myself. I knew he wasn't the marrying type, that's why I tried, in vain, to protect my heart. He wanted to stay together, to keep dating. He only asked that we talk later about the clubs, once the raw-ness passed. I could do that. We needed to talk about this more anyway. If I wanted to go back, we could. If not, that was OK, too. He just wouldn't promise forever. Who could really? He's right. Cops don't always come home. I would be crushed if anything happened to him, wedding ring or not. It was too late not to care. I was in too deep already. Might as well see it through, whatever that meant.
When we got to his house, he turned the car off. We sat in silence for a minute, before getting out of the truck. We got out on our separate sides and met in the middle, in the glare of the headlights. I got the feeling he was afraid to ask my decision. He may be able to read my raw emotions like a book, but I don't think he knew my thoughts right now. His face was closed. He had gone into cop mode, expressionless, braced for the worst, waiting to see what my decision was going to be.
"I'm afraid to ask, but I must. Is this where we part ways? Or can you be happy with what I can offer you?"
"I'm not ready to walk away from you. You said you didn't want to lose me over this. I don't want to lose you either. I can't promise to stay on your terms forever, but I can stay for now."
"I can't ask for any more than that."
He held his arms out to me, and I took the few steps into his embrace. We stood there for a long time, holding each other tight. I didn't know if this was a step toward a fulfilling relationsh
ip, or the beginning of the end, but I was willing to find out.
He kissed me, slowly and questioningly. I answered his kiss the only way I knew how- by jumping into the deep end and seeing where it went. It went upstairs, to his bed. Where instead of having sex, we made love for the first time.
* * * *
The rest of the weekend passed somewhat normally. We kept it low-key. We saw a movie, ate out a few times and walked around a small-town street festival. We didn't talk about the clubs, or anything else of any importance. We just enjoyed each other's company. The work week passed for both of us, and we spent Friday night having dinner with his friend's before we hit the normal club. When Michael and Kate said their goodbyes at midnight, we didn't skip a beat. We hugged them, told them to have a great time, and we went back out on the dance floor together.
Saturday night, over wine on Caleb's back patio, he said he wanted to ask me a favor. He said, "You asked me once to hear you out, to take some time to think and then respond. I'm now asking you to do the same."
I said OK, bracing myself for what was to come.
"I'd like to ask you to go back to That Other Club with me. One time, next Friday. You enjoyed it once, I'd hate for you to swear it off forever because of a mistake I made. We can stay at the table all night if you wish. If you decide after that to never go back again, that would be fine. If you ever decided you wanted to go back after that one time, you would have to bring it up. I promise not to even ask you again. Ever. I really think it is a place we could enjoy the way Michael and Kate do. I think it is like alcohol, to be enjoyed responsibly, we just got carried away. If you did want to start going again, and you brought it up, we wouldn't go every weekend. Just when you brought it up, no pressure.
I just want you to make a decision about that place based on the whole, not based on one night at The Lakehouse. I'm asking you to get back on the horse, so to speak."
I smiled at that, remembering how I recently compared sex with him to the same analogy.
"I liked it there." He continued. "With you. It was fun, it was comfortable, it was sexy, and I liked watching you enjoy yourself. I won't deny the visuals are sexy, but I enjoyed watching you the most. You seemed happy and free dancing topless. You loved the shadow box. You loved dressing up. I hate that I ruined it for you. For us. Would you go back there with me, one more time, to see?"
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