‘That’s not the point, Soph. I’d hate myself, and no relationship can survive that.’
‘You’ve thought about it, though, haven’t you?’
‘I’ve thought about nothing else. And I can’t do it.’
Sophie puffed out a breath. ‘Maybe we should go for a long run. Sweat him out of your system. Or we could go out and get very drunk.’
Hannah laughed. ‘Or stay in and get very drunk.’
‘That’d work.’ Sophie turned to face her. ‘You love him, don’t you?’
‘Yes, I love him. Are you going to say I told you so?’
‘No, that’s a fat lot of use. I’m just here to cheer you on, Hannah. Whatever you decide to do.’
‘Thanks, Sophie. That means a lot.’ Hannah leaned over, hugging her friend, and Sophie squeezed her so tight that she could hardly breathe.
She had everything, right here. Sam, her mother. Good friends like Sophie. She could work on forgetting Matt and everything would be the way it was before.
It sounded easy. Just as long as she left out the part about Matt having changed her for ever.
Did any of the old rules still apply? Hadn’t Matt shown her that life wasn’t all about what she couldn’t do? It was about what she could do.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
‘MAYBE I DON’T love you after all.’
As soon as the words had left his lips, Matt had known that they were a stupid, cruel lie. He’d walked away because he’d been convinced that a clean break would somehow be easier. That if Hannah hated him, then perhaps she wouldn’t be hurting as badly as he was.
All the same, he couldn’t let it go. He couldn’t leave without saying goodbye to her and Sam. And somewhere, deep in his consciousness, it occurred to him that if he and Hannah could win Hospital Challenge, they could find a way to make this right and be together.
Maybe he should start with flowers. But none of the bright blooms in the florist’s shop were good enough for Hannah. And anyway, a gift carried with it the expectation of forgiveness, and the very most that he could ask of her was that she hear him out.
After a week of trying to think of the right things to say, he decided that there was no right thing. He just had to apologise to her, and find out whether there was any chance that they could move forward from that. Friends, lovers. Exes who didn’t hold a grudge. He’d take anything that Hannah felt able to give.
He drew up outside her house just as it was getting dark. It was Hannah’s mother’s book club evening, and Hannah’s car stood alone in the driveway. Sam must be going to bed about now, so he’d get a chance to speak with Hannah alone. It took a couple of minutes to screw up his courage, and his heart was pounding as he got out of the car, walking towards the front door.
Then he saw it. The lights flipped on in the sitting room, and Hannah appeared with Sam, who was in his pyjamas and ready for bed. Sitting down in one of the armchairs, she took him on her lap and opened a storybook.
Matt could almost feel the warmth between them, radiating out into the cool of the evening. He stopped, stock still, watching. It was all he’d ever wanted, and yet...
If by some miracle he did manage to make things right with Hannah, what would happen next? His father had hurt his mother, and then made things right, in a cycle that had turned into years of agony. One of the things his mother had always impressed on Matt was that apologies weren’t enough, and that a person had to be truly committed to change.
He wanted to change. But what if he couldn’t?
Standing in the darkness, he suddenly saw it all very clearly. Hannah had all she needed, and he should go. He should let her live her life, and find someone who loved her in the way that she deserved.
Thinking of Hannah with someone else brought a bitter taste to his mouth. Matt turned, shaken by the knowledge that however much he wanted to see Hannah again, the best thing he could do for her was to leave. He hurried back to his car, fumbling with the keys and dropping them in the footwell.
A few more moments. Just to be near her. He stared at the light in the window, like a moth drawn to a flame.
He didn’t know how long he sat there, but when he saw her tiny figure move, and then the light upstairs flip on, he knew that he had to go before he was tempted by the knowledge that Sam would be in bed and Hannah was alone. Picking up his keys, he started the car and drove away.
* * *
It had been four weeks. Matt had confined himself to the surgical suite while he’d worked out his notice at the hospital, and hadn’t seen Hannah. Clearly she didn’t want to see him, and there was nothing else to do now but pack the last of his things and leave. Matt was going to be house-sitting for a friend for a couple of months, which would give him time to find a place of his own, and he’d already boxed up one car load of his possessions for storage. The rest would fit in the boot of his car. Matt travelled light.
The thought had always made him feel free. But freedom didn’t mean a great deal any more without Hannah.
The doorbell rang and he ignored it. In his head he was already gone, and there would be no one stopping by to bid him farewell. If someone wanted to sell something, they’d have to find another, more receptive customer.
He busied himself, collecting up the last of his possessions from the sitting room, ready to be wrapped and packed into a cardboard box. The sound of a car alarm came from the street. His car alarm.
Matt grabbed his keys and looked out of the window. Hannah was leaning against his car, her arms folded, looking up at him. She had that determined look about her that he loved so much.
She gave him a wave and walked towards the front door of the block of flats. Matt swallowed down the temptation to lean out of the window, and shout down to her to ask what on earth she thought she was doing. Hannah had obviously made up her mind that she wanted to see him, and if he didn’t let her in he guessed that she’d only go back to his car and set the alarm off again. He almost wanted her to...
The doorbell sounded, and he pressed the Entryphone. He heard the front door slam shut, and counted the beats of his heart until he reckoned she’d reached the top of the stairs. When he opened the door of his flat, he saw her walking towards him.
‘What are you doing, Hannah?’
‘All of your windows are open and your car’s outside.’ She smiled at him, and Matt’s stomach lurched. ‘I guessed you were in.’
‘I was busy. And I wasn’t expecting anyone.’
‘Good. So we won’t be interrupted.’ She didn’t wait for him to ask her in, brushing past him and walking straight through to the sitting room. Matt closed the door and followed, and she swiped a piece of packing material off the sofa so that she could sit down.
‘You owe me an apology, Matt.’
She was giving him a chance. Suddenly it wasn’t so very hard to apologise, because this was nothing like the way his father had used his apologies to manipulate his mother. Hannah was in control, and asking for something that was rightfully hers.
‘I didn’t tell you that I had plans to leave. It was wrong of me, and I apologise.’
She nodded. ‘Accepted. Although I was at fault too, you told me that leaving was on your agenda and I didn’t take you at your word. Is there anything else?’
He knew what she wanted to hear. It was the thing he most wanted to say.
‘I told you that I didn’t love you. I thought it might make things easier, but...’ Matt shook his head, moving a cardboard box from the armchair, and sat down. ‘It wasn’t true and I’m sorry. I know I hurt you and I don’t expect you to forgive me.’
‘Thank you. I needed to hear that.’ Somehow Hannah didn’t seem hurt. She didn’t seem beaten. She had that light in her eyes that ignited when she faced a challenge.
‘Thank you for the opportunity of saying it.’
Nothing had changed. Everything had c
hanged. The fear of seeming like his father had dissolved suddenly and Matt was his own man. His head began to swim.
‘I’ve come to tell you something, Matt. Just so you know.’
He’d listen. Whatever it was that Hannah wanted to get off her chest, he’d take it. Matt nodded her on.
‘I’ve thought about this a lot, and when I heard that yesterday was your last day at the hospital, I had to make a decision.’ She took a deep breath, as if there was no going back now. ‘I promised myself I’d never follow anyone again, but that was before I fell in love with you. So wherever you go, I’ll follow. Whenever you want me, I’ll be there.’
Bright, blinding light. Suddenly everything was in sharp focus and the world seemed full of colour. Maybe he’d died and gone to heaven. Matt pulled himself together.
‘Hannah, you can’t.’
‘Try me.’
He shook his head, trying to clear it. ‘What about Sam? And your mother...?’
‘Mum and Sam are staying here, and so am I. But my heart will always go with you. It’ll wait, and if you ever want me...’ Her face crumpled suddenly and she clasped her hands together. ‘If you do want me, then you should call.’
He wanted to hold her. Matt wanted to forget all of the reasons that they couldn’t be together and plunge into the fantasy of being with Hannah. But this was real. She was serious about this, and there were real obstacles.
‘I want you every day. I love you...’ Matt shook his head. ‘But this isn’t the smart thing to do, Hannah, you and Sam deserve more than I know how to give.’
‘We both know how to change. It’s just a matter of whether we want to enough.’
Matt’s world crashed down around him. Everything that he’d thought he knew, everything that had made it so impossible for them to be together. Hannah had done the impossible, and smashed through it all. He got to his feet, kneeling in front of her.
‘Hannah, you’re the bravest, most beautiful woman...’ She started to cry suddenly, and he reached to brush away her tears.
‘You said that I should call you when I was ready. I’m calling you now. I don’t know how I can ever begin to deserve you, but I’m going to find a way. I want to be the one that loves and protects you, and Sam, for the rest of my life.’
She threw her arms around his neck. ‘Neither of us has to do it alone, Matt. If we stick together we can do all the things we thought we’d never do.’
‘Flash and Robin. Ready to take on anything.’ He kissed her, holding her as if he was never going to let her go. There was no as if about it. He never was going to let Hannah go.
EPILOGUE
Six months later
IT HADN’T BEEN EASY. But that had never stopped them before.
Love had carried them through it all. The therapy, where Matt had begun to shake off the burden of his childhood trauma. His long commute between Hamblewell and London, and the lonely nights when Matt had stayed over at the hospital.
Hannah’s fears for Sam and her mother had turned out to be unfounded. Sam loved Matt, and had begun to wonder aloud whether marrying his mum might make Matt his father. Hannah’s mother had dismissed the suggestion that she might like to live with them, saying that she had a life of her own now. Wherever Matt and Hannah decided to make their home, she’d visit regularly. Sophie had promised to do so as well, when she wasn’t busy with her A and E doctor. Hannah had confided to Matt that she thought that Sophie’s days of serial dating were over.
Wanting to know more about Matt’s childhood, Hannah had read Matt’s mother’s book from cover to cover and been moved to tears by it. The two women had liked each other immediately when Matt had taken Hannah and Sam down to Devon to visit, and the warmth of his mother’s welcome had left them in no doubt that she was delighted to see her son finally settling down.
The weekend in Tuscany, when Matt had proposed to her, had been wonderful. They’d stayed on a secluded beach, eating, swimming and making love for two days, and when they’d arrived back home, Matt had asked Sam if he could be his dad.
And it had all led them here. To the doorstep of a house in a leafy suburb of London, which backed onto a park. There was a great school, just down the road, and Sam had already visited and begun to get to know the teachers and the other children. The outside of the house had been newly decorated, and the front garden planted with shrubs, but the inside still needed some work.
Matt took the key from his pocket, handing it to Sam and lifting him up so that he could reach the lock.
‘Is this our house now?’
Matt chuckled. ‘Yes, it is. I’ve got something to show you when we get inside.’
‘What?’ Sam pushed the door open and Matt set him back on his feet. He rushed inside, looking around the sitting room and then running into the kitchen.
Hannah took Matt’s arm, and they crossed the threshold of their new home. The sitting room had been painted, but the floorboards were bare and there was no furniture yet. The kitchen was old, but it would do until they could afford to replace it. The minute they’d seen the large, Victorian house, Matt and Hannah had known that this was the place where they wanted to raise a family and grow old together.
‘Have the painters finished in Sam’s room?’ Hannah knew how much it meant to Matt to be a good father, and when she’d suggested he should be the one to decorate Sam’s room, he’d jumped at the chance.
‘You’ll see.’ Matt grinned at her, calling to Sam. ‘Why don’t you try upstairs?’
Sam clattered upstairs, running into the master bedroom, which was flooded with winter sunshine. Hannah followed him.
‘Oh! Matt you bought a bed! It’s beautiful...’ It was the one she’d wanted, but had decided they couldn’t afford. The snowy white quilt and pillows suited it perfectly.
‘Have I got a bed too?’ Sam asked.
‘Go and see.’ Matt was standing in the doorway, grinning.
Sam ran into the room he’d chosen as his bedroom. Hannah expected to hear some reaction, but there was a sudden silence. Matt caught her hand, and she followed him.
The room had been painted and the carpet laid. In one corner, a whole constellation of stars covered the ceiling, and models of each of the planets in the solar system were suspended on fine wires. There were bookshelves, some squashy beanbag seats, and a long low bench with a child’s chair. On the other side of the room was a bunk bed with moon and stars bedding.
‘Do you like it?’ Matt seemed suddenly nervous, but when Sam turned around he was grinning from ear to ear.
‘Can I sleep here? Tonight?’
‘Oh, sweetie.’ Hannah turned the corners of her mouth down. ‘I want to sleep here too, but we can’t. All our things are at home.’
‘But I live here now.’
Matt chuckled. ‘I packed a bag for us. We’ll have to go back home tomorrow, Sam, the decorators will be working here again next week. But we can stay tonight and we’ll bring the rest of your things here next weekend.’
‘Yes! Thanks, Dad!’
Sam started to explore his room, and Hannah crooked her finger, indicating that they could leave him to it. Outside, in the hallway, Matt caught her in a sudden embrace, his eyes bright with emotion.
‘I think I just got promoted.’
Sam had readily accepted that Matt was his dad now, but this was the first time he’d called him Dad.
‘You’ve definitely earned it. I love you, Robin.’
He chuckled. ‘And I love you, Flash.’
* * *
If you enjoyed this story, check out these other great reads from Annie Claydon
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Life and love in the world of modern medicine.
Escape to the world where life and love play out against a high-pressured medical backdrop.
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Conveniently Wed in Paradise
by Meredith Webber
CHAPTER ONE
ALEXANDER MONROE MCLEOD paced the small balcony outside his grandmother’s room at the, to him, ridiculously named Palace of Peace and Contentment. The view from the balcony was breathtaking—the brilliant, shining blue-green sea of the Gulf of Thailand, small dark-sailed fishing vessels slowly going about their work, the bright sails of windsurfers from the resort across on the mainland flitting back and forth, and to the right infinite shades of green as thick rainforest ran riot over the sides of the mountain on which the palace was built.
In spite of the colourful and effusive brochures he’d read about the place, the marbled floors and silk-lined walls, he was reasonably sure it had never been a palace, let alone the summer home of long-dead kings of Siam. But it had been a very luxurious hotel, built when the village had been nothing more than a few shacks and some fishing boats. Built with its own generator for power and a permanent water supply from the spring further up the mountains.
The palace also explained his presence here. Bored out of his skull, but needing to stay—
His attention was momentarily diverted from his irritation with his situation by a woman. She was tall, long-limbed and straight-backed, with a mop of dark hair unhindered by a hat—foolish creature—and she was striding down the paved drive that ran through the perfectly kept gardens fragrant with frangipani and manicured lawns he’d swear were clipped each morning with scissors—
Winning the Surgeon's Heart Page 17