by L. P. Maxa
“Oh did it? Or were you going to call up RiffRaff and beg them to extend it again? What happened? Did they say no? Tell me, Mason, why are you home early?”
Did she know? Did she know that they’d sent me home like a scolded child? Facing my fears being my ultimate punishment. “It was just time.” That was only a partial lie. It was well past time for me to come home, and everybody knew it.
“I don’t believe that for a single second.” She stood straight, finally looking at me. Really looking at me. I watched as her eyes glassed over with unshed tears.
I closed mine, trying to find the right words. Trying to figure out exactly what to say to convey my regret, my sorrow. “Payton. I am so fucking sorry.” I took a step toward her. “I did the wrong thing, and I made the wrong choice.”
She shook her head, like she was trying to block out my explanation.
“I’ve missed you so damn much. And I know that I have no right to beg for your forgiveness, no right to be asked back in, but Katie is—”
“Katie is your sister, and I’d never try to keep you away from her.” She raised her chin. “But you sure as hell aren’t going to get my forgiveness. So please, don’t even try.” She pointed down at my duffel. “I took over your room, you’ll have to sleep in the master.” She headed toward the front door, throwing it open.
I panicked. No lie, I fucking panicked. My heart started to pound and I could hear the blood rushing in my ears. “Where are you going?” Was she leaving? Would she just walk out that door and never come back? Did I even have the right to ask? Was that what I’d done to her?
“I’m going to get Katie. She needs to eat, and then she needs a nap.” She took two steps out and then turned on her heel, glaring at me. “Why are you following me? Go unpack or something.”
“She’s my sister and…”
Suddenly Payton’s finger was in my face and I was walking backward to keep from getting jabbed. “You listen and you listen good. Katie may be your sister. She may be your blood. But she has been my responsibility, my life, for the last eleven weeks. Don’t you dare think you can come in here and demand that I just hand her over. She doesn’t even know you any—”
“I just wanted to see her, Payton. I just wanted to come with you, that’s all.” I held my hands up in surrender. The truth was I didn’t want to be alone in that house. The truth was that I was itching to hold my sister. And longing to be near Payton.
Chapter Thirty-five
Payton
Fifteen weeks and two days old (just about four months)
I took deep, calming breaths as I made my way around the kitchen, cooking dinner for everyone. Mason was in the living room, lying on the floor with Katie. I could hear him talking to her and it was like listening to the voice of Christmas Past. He was watching her every move, kissing her tiny bald head every few seconds. It was clear that he’d missed her. He was our shadow, following me and Pax around as we went about our normal routine with her. Paxton spent most of the day busting Mason’s balls, because that was Paxton. I did my best to not be in the same room as Mace.
He looked tired and thin. But still he was handsome. Sexy, wild, hot. All of the above. My body still reacted to his scent, to his nearness. But my brain and my heart? Not a fucking chance. I’d held out hope for a long time, thinking he’d come home. I had tried to comfort myself with the fact that it was all the label’s doing. However, the moment I’d read the text from Jacks, all that went out the window. Fuck Mace for leaving, fucking him for staying gone, and fuck him for not calling.
“What the hell are you doing here?”
I jumped, spilling some chicken broth on the counter when I heard Parker’s booming voice. I sopped up the mess and then took a large sip from the glass of white wine I’d poured myself. I knew this was coming. Paxton was laid back, he’d punish Mason in a passive aggressive way, with wit and veiled humor. Parker? He’d rip his head off and shove it down his throat.
“This is my house. Shouldn’t I be asking you the same thing?”
Oh, that was not going to go over well with my brother. I walked into the living room to see Parker towering over Mason. Not only was he a few inches taller than Mace, but Parker was standing one step up in the entryway. “Really? Last I checked it’s Payton’s house, my sister, the one who actually lives here. You know? The girl you walked out on?”
Mason opened his mouth to fire something back, but I honestly didn’t want to hear it. Not tonight. “Mason.” When I said his name, his gaze flew to mine. That was the first time I’d spoken to him since our initial conversation. I shook my head. “Let it go, please? Today has been hard enough, and I just can’t deal with the two of you fighting.”
He studied me for a few seconds, some of the fight leaving his body. “Fine.” He turned narrowed eyes on Parker. “But let’s get one things straight, this is my house. Mine.” He stalked off down the hallway.
Parker went and picked Katie up off her play mat and followed me into the kitchen, Pax hot on his heels. “What is he doing here, Payton?”
I took another sip of wine. “Tour’s over, and this is his house. I told you he’d come back one day.” It was as simple as that. This was his house, Katie was his sister, and I was just a glorified nanny. My heart hurt at seeing Mason again after all this time. And at the thought of losing Katie. Of not being around to watch her grow up.
“So this is it? You really are just going to let him come home and take everything from you? Take the baby you think of as your own? The little girl I love like she’s my niece? He leaves you both, like a coward, and then returns home to no fight. That’s fucking weak, Pay.”
“Hey, Park, come on man. That’s not fair.” Paxton put his hands on his hips, taking up for me.
I hung my head, letting my tears fall. Seeing Mason, it was almost surreal. I couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that he was here, that he was home. I was hurting and scared. I was walking around on pins and needles just waiting for him to tell us to get out.
I’d told Parker once that Mason would never do that to me, that he’d never hurt us like that. But that was before I knew the truth. He’d stayed away because he wanted to. I thought I knew him. I thought I understood his fears and his hang-ups, his heartache.
Turned out, I never really knew him at all.
“I don’t know what to tell you, Parker. This is throwing me for a loop too, okay? I come home from mommy and me yoga, and he’s just standing in the living room. It was like seeing a damn ghost.” I sat down at one of the barstools, smiling gratefully at Paxton when he went to the stove to rescue dinner. “He’s Katie’s brother, her godfather, her actual guardian. I can’t keep him from her. This house is in his name. The SUV that showed up two weeks after he left with a giant red bow on the top, I’m sure that’s in his name too.” I sighed and rested my forehead against the cool granite.
“I want to kick his a-s-s. Real bad.” Parker was bouncing Katie in his arms, a mean look on his face.
I couldn’t help but start to laugh a little at the sight of a big bad man spelling out ass and rocking a baby wearing a miniature pink tutu. “Please don’t kick his a-s-s. I don’t think that would solve anything.”
“I won’t let him hurt you, Pay. I won’t stand for it.”
I picked up my head and squared my shoulders. “Just give me some time to figure everything out. Let me talk to him, see what his plans are. Who knows? Maybe he doesn’t even want to live here. Maybe he doesn’t want to raise Katie.”
“If that’s the case he’s even stupider than I thought.” Parker shook his head and headed out the back door, probably to walk off his anger, taking Katie with him.
***
Mason didn’t come to dinner, not that any of us invited him. Pax was giving Katie a bath and I had a plate of leftovers in my hand.
When I knocked on the door to his parents’ bedroom he answered, “It’s not locked, Payton.”
“I thought you might be hungry.” I sat the plate of ch
icken and rice on his nightstand. I hadn’t ever been in here, although I’d stared from the doorway. When my brother’s moved in, I thought seriously about making the master my own. But I knew that it wasn’t right. Mason needed to go through his parents’ things in his own time. So I’d bitten the bullet and taken Mace’s room. I’d cried the whole time I was cleaning it out, boxing up everything that reminded me of him and replacing it with new things. Things not attached to a person or a memory. I may have also burned his sheets.
It didn’t matter how many times I washed them, his scent still clung to them.
“You didn’t have to do that.”
I nodded. “You’re right, I didn’t.” He was lying on his bed, staring up. Staring at the ceiling like he always did when he was thinking too hard. “We need to talk, Mace.”
He sat up and rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands. “Where is Katie?”
“Paxton is giving her a bath.” Pax loved bath time, he was the only one of us that let her splash and kick her tiny legs to her heart’s content.
“He’s good with her.” His words came out strained, like they were hard for him to say.
“They both are.” I shrugged. “They’ve been here for over a month now, every day. They help me with everything. The cooking, the cleaning, errands, Katie…I couldn’t have done it without them.”
He met my eyes. “I told you I’d pay for help.”
He still didn’t get it, and that made me sad for him. “Kate wouldn’t have wanted that. Remember? She didn’t like having a staff.” When he opened his mouth to argue with me, I held my hand up, stopping him. “I’m doing my best here, Mace. I’m doing the best I can to raise Katie the way Kate would have wanted. She was never my mom, but she was my friend. My mentor. And she talked about the future a lot, about the things that she wanted for her daughter. As well as the things she didn’t.”
He was quiet for another few seconds, and stared at me. “It’ll make you happy if your brothers stay?”
It’d have made me happy if you’d have stayed. It’d have made me happy if you’d called me, texted me. If you’d rushed home the first second you could.
“Yes.”
He nodded. “They can stay, for now. But if Parker gives me any more shit, he’s out.”
I knew it was his way of trying, his way of making an effort, of trying to start healing the hurt between us. “So we’ll all live here? Together? You don’t want me to leave?”
His forehead wrinkled. “Of course I don’t want you to leave, Payton. This is your home. Katie is as much yours as she is mine.” I let out a deep breath, one that I had been holding from the moment I saw him this afternoon. His shoulders slumped and his eyes turned sad. “I hurt you. I know I did. And I know that you may never forgive me, and I can live with that. But Katie and me? We can’t live without you in our lives. I’d never ask you to give her up. Never.”
“Okay.” Those were weak words for what I was feeling. I wanted to sink to my knees and cry with relief. “I’m going to go put Katie to bed. It’s been a long day.”
“Can I come?”
No. “Yes.”
He followed me across the hall where Paxton was getting Katie dressed in her jammies and brushing her wispy baby hair. He shot Mason a look but didn’t say anything when he sat down on the ottoman. Just like he used to before he’d abandoned us.
“Good night, Bug. Love you, sweet girl.” Paxton’s voice was soft and sweet, like it always was with Katie. But he glared at Mason his whole way out of the room.
“Come here, love.” I scooped her up off the changing table and went to sit in the glider, turning off the light on my way. I started to hum “Best of My Love” to her, as I did every night. Her beautiful hazel eyes started to get heavy. Mason was sitting so close. If I rocked just right, my knee would touch his. I didn’t want to crave that touch. I didn’t want to miss it. After a few minutes she was asleep, her tiny chest rising and falling peacefully. I stood and headed toward her crib.
“Wait, can I…?”
I turned, Mason was on his feet, looking down at his sleeping sister. I walked back to him and put her in his arms. “You can do whatever you want, Mason. She’s your baby.” My throat clogged with fresh unshed tears.
Those were the same words I’d spoken to him in the hospital. The same words I’d used to assure him that he wouldn’t hurt her, that she was his to love.
I wished we could go back, I wished I could go back to that day and never let myself fall in love with him.
Chapter Thirty-six
Mason
Fifteen weeks and three days old
For the first time in a long time, I woke up without a hangover. The sunlight was streaming into the room, and I welcomed it. Seeing Payton, being around her? It was the greatest form of torture. I knew I couldn’t touch, but I couldn’t stop looking. She was so damn beautiful. And she was so in love with Katie. She loved her like a mother would. She loved her like M Kat would have, if she’d been given the chance. I meant what I’d said to Payton last night, I would never ask her to give Katie up. Never. And part of that was selfishness was for me. If she still wanted Katie, she still had to see me too. We were a packaged deal.
Sleeping in my parent’s room was hard but not as hard as I thought it would be. It was nice, being surrounded by them, by their things. The hurt that I thought would overwhelm me when I first opened the door never came. Instead I’d felt at peace for the first time in a while. Everything about being home made me feel like an idiot for staying away. For being afraid to come back. I’d hurt my girls, and I’d wasted precious time. Time that I’d never be able to get back. Jacks was right. He was wise for a former fuck boy.
I walked out of the room and slammed smack dab into Payton. I put my arms out to steady her, and they landed on her slim hips. I bit my cheeks to keep from smiling at the contact. I doubted she’d appreciate it. I tensed all my muscles to keep from pulling her toward me. She’d probably punch me, or get one of her oversized brothers to do it. “Sorry.” I stepped away, but she didn’t leave.
“It’s okay. How did you sleep? I’m sorry I took your room, but I just didn’t want to go through all their things without you.”
Why was she apologizing to me? “Payton, there is not one damn thing that you need to be sorry for. I’m glad you took my room.” And I was. Sometimes, when I’d let myself think about her, I’d picture her here at my house. In my bed, wrapped in my sheets. “Do you think you could help me? Go through their things, I mean.” I was just looking for an excuse to keep her near me. I wasn’t really ready to let go of my parents, to box up their clothes. But they were gone and Payton was here. I needed to fix things between us. I needed to know if I had any chance of repairing what I’d destroyed.
“Sure.” She headed into the living room, talking over her shoulder. “Paxton and Katie are probably still out on their run, and Parker had to be at work first thing this morning. So we can get started now if you want.”
I didn’t want. In all actuality it’d probably be better for me to pack up their room by myself, slamming a bottle of whiskey the whole time, sobbing and listening to David Essex on repeat.
“Yeah, that’d be great.” I’d take anything she would give me.
***
We’d been at it for over an hour now. Payton offered to go through M Kat’s things while I went through my dad’s. But I wanted to see it all. I wanted touch everything before we put it away. I wanted to pick out things that reminded me of them, things that evoked memories, so that I could share them with Katie one day. And I wanted Payton near me.
We had a system going, I’d pick up an item and then pass it to her. She’d put it in one of three piles: charity, keep in the house, keep in storage. I wasn’t ready to let anything actually go, unless it was going to a good cause. We could probably auction off a bunch of my dad’s things and donate a nice chunk of change to one of his favorite charities. “Thank you for helping me with this.” I’d said it a dozen
times already. But I just couldn’t seem to stop.
“You’re welcome.” If I’d never left, she’d have laughed at me thanking her over and over.
You don’t have to thank me for this, Mace, I’m just glad I can be here with you.
“Why are you being so nice to me? I don’t deserve it.” I climbed down off the step stool I’d been using to get stuff off the top shelf.
“No, you don’t.” She shrugged. “But I know that going through their things is hard for you. I know that making this room your own is going to pull at your heart.”
She knew because she’d had to do it with mine. I looked down at the sweater in my hands. It was hideous. My dad’s in the nineties. There was a picture somewhere in the house of me standing beside him, sporting a matching one. “I hurt you.”
She was sitting on the floor, crossed-legged. Her long hair piled on her head and her face scrubbed clean of makeup. “You leaving the way you did? Yeah, that stung a little. But I knew you, and I knew what you were going through, the things you were struggling with. I forgave you for leaving like that. Then, when you stopped calling, stop texting, that sucked. Because the last time you were on tour, we were friends. You called all the time, you texted when you were thinking about me. So radio silence was, uh, pretty tough to handle. And when the tour was extended, it didn’t feel good. It didn’t. But, you know, I still had this spark, this tiny little flame inside me that still cared. I would defend you when my brothers talked about what an asshole you were. I told them it wasn’t all your fault, that the label had done this. That you wanted to come home, that you would come home.”
She paused for a minute and my stomach dropped to my feet. “When I found out that extending the tour was your idea. That’s when it fucking hurt. I mean rip my heart out and tear it to shreds kind of pain. That was the moment when I realized that you didn’t want to come home. That you didn’t miss me as much as I missed you. That you weren’t counting down the days until you could see Katie again. Until you could hold her. That was the moment when everything changed.”