“I wanted to know your feelings,” Alassa said.
Emily shook her head in bemusement. “You could have asked without” — she waved her hand to indicate the wards — “all this trouble.”
“I needed to ask you in private,” Alassa said. She sucked in a breath, as if what she had to say pained her. “Emily...over the last year, while you were at Mountaintop, Jade and I became very close.”
She rushed on before Emily could say a word. “I want to marry him.”
Emily stared at her in absolute shock. Alassa wanted to marry Jade? Jade wanted to marry Alassa? But...
She closed her eyes as memories surfaced in her mind. Jade had served as a teaching assistant, taking Defensive Magic. Jade had clearly spent extra time working with Alassa, who needed the skills before she left Whitehall. Jade and Alassa had chatted and danced together...he’d traveled with them to Zangaria, to seek a post that would tie him down to one kingdom, even limit his employment elsewhere. And he’d managed to get himself assigned as Alassa’s personal bodyguard...
In hindsight, it was all too clear.
I missed it, Emily told herself, savagely. Why?
“Does he...?” She coughed and started again. “Does he want to marry you?”
“Yes,” Alassa said.
Emily felt as if she’d been punched in the chest. Jade had wanted to marry her, her. Now he’d moved on to her best friend. To a princess. To...someone who was far more his match. She hadn’t wanted him, she knew she hadn’t wanted him, but it hurt.
Why did it hurt?
“There are advantages to the match,” Alassa said, as if she were relieved she could finally talk about it. “Jade is a commoner, but he’s a sorcerer, so he would be a social equal to anyone below a baron. He’s powerful enough to protect me and father strong children, but doesn’t have a kingdom or family ties of his own to urge him to take power for himself. He could serve as a regent without selling out the throne to either the barons or another kingdom...”
Emily glared at her. Alassa had always been cold-blooded about relationships — she’d once casually outlined all the advantages to Emily marrying Jade without sparing a moment’s thought for either of their feelings — but this was too much. The pain seemed to grow stronger, outrage that Alassa could pursue Jade mixing with astonishment that they’d never told her. Had they assumed it was obvious? Perhaps it would have been, to anyone else. But Emily knew she was hardly the most observant person where emotions were concerned.
“We would like your blessing,” Alassa finished. “And perhaps your support...”
“Why?” Emily demanded, feeling tears prickling at the corner of her eyes. Why was she almost crying? Why did it hurt so much? “Why didn’t you tell me?”
Alassa looked uncomfortable, just for a second. “We didn’t want to upset you,” she said, finally. “I...”
“You didn’t want to upset me,” Emily snapped. She had to fight down the urge to throw a spell, or perhaps a slap. “You didn’t want to upset me?”
“No,” Alassa said. “I didn’t want to see you hurt.”
Emily gritted her teeth. “You didn’t want to see me hurt?”
Alassa’s face darkened. “Do you want to marry him yourself?”
“No,” Emily snapped. “I...”
“Then why do you have a problem with me marrying him?” Alassa demanded. “If you don’t want him yourself, why do you object to me marrying him? Or is there something wrong with him that I should know about?”
Emily shook her head, but said nothing. Jade...was decent. He’d helped Emily, back when she’d been dumped into a class intended for students three or four years her elder, and had been her first real male friend. They’d walked the hills together, enjoying the sunlight and the chance to explore places touched by wild magic. In hindsight, it had been obvious that he’d been courting her, but at the time she’d just learned to relax and enjoy herself. Jade...had made her feel safe.
And now Alassa was taking him away.... And Jade was taking Alassa away. Emily’s feelings were such a tangled mess that she didn’t know how to handle them. Logically, she knew she should be happy for her friends, but what did logic know about emotion? She wanted to lash out, to hurt someone, and yet she felt helpless to do anything.
What could she do?
“I don’t know,” she muttered. “I just don’t know.”
“Then what is the problem?” Alassa demanded. She rose to her feet, towering over Emily and glowering down at her. “Do you think he’s a little too...common...to be my husband?”
“No,” Emily said. She rose, too, meeting Alassa’s eyes. “I don’t know how I feel.”
“Then figure it out,” Alassa snapped. “If you don’t want him, why do you object to him marrying me?”
She glared at Emily, magic sparking from her fingertips as she placed her hands on her hips. “Or are you just being selfish?”
“I’m not being selfish!” Emily shouted.
“Yes, you are!” Alassa shouted back. “You want everything to suit you! You want this barony, and yet you also want to stay at Whitehall and study magic! You don’t want Jade, but you don’t want anyone else to have him either! You want everyone to be your friend when it suits you, and leave you alone when it doesn’t!”
Emily forced herself to step back, despite the overwhelming anger. There was a great deal of truth in Alassa’s words, she had to admit; she was torn between keeping the barony, even though it might mean having to leave Whitehall and settle permanently in Cockatrice, or simply handing it back to the king. And she knew she wasn’t the most sociable of people, even when she wasn’t busy. There were times when she just wanted to be alone.
“I don’t want him,” she said, although the words tore at her soul. Why did it hurt? What was she missing? It wasn’t as if she’d imagined having Jade even after he’d made his interest clear. He was fun, she had to admit, but not as a long-term partner. They were simply too different. “I don’t...”
“Then why,” Alassa demanded again, “do you have a problem with me marrying him?”
“I don’t know,” Emily confessed. She wanted to find Lady Barb, to ask her for her advice, but she had no idea where the older woman was. But for all Emily knew, Lady Barb might just agree with Alassa and point out that Emily was being selfish. Somehow, the thought of the older woman’s disapproval hurt, too. “I just don’t know...”
Alassa thinned her lips and sat down, clearly furious. Flickers of magic were sparking over her hands. “We need you to help present our case to my father,” she said. “He would need to approve the match.”
“You want me to help convince your father to let you marry him?” Emily demanded. “You...”
“You saved his kingdom,” Alassa said. She rose again, her eyes meeting Emily’s. “He would listen to you!”
Emily almost slapped her. It hurt too much for her to think clearly. She hadn’t wanted Jade, but he’d wanted her, but now he’d moved on...and it hurt! It should not have hurt, she told herself, and yet it did. She sagged back into her chair, feeling suddenly tired and worn.
“You didn’t tell me,” she mumbled. She recalled, suddenly, the moment she’d met Jade’s eyes, just after he’d knocked Alassa to the ground and saved her life. He’d thought she’d realized at that moment, she saw suddenly. Perhaps Alassa had planned to tell her later, when the Faire was over. “You didn’t tell me, and yet you want me to help?”
“We didn’t want to upset you,” Alassa said. “You were trying to catch up with us and help Frieda adjust to her new world...”
“You didn’t want to upset me?” Emily yelled. “How will it upset your father if he finds out you’re marrying a man who wanted to marry someone else, first?”
Alassa took a step forward, then but stopped herself. “Do you really think that’s uncommon? Half of the imbeciles we brought to Zangaria two years ago were already engaged, probably several times in a row. Royal children are currency on the marriage market.
..”
“Jade isn’t,” Emily said. She thought, briefly, of all the marriage offers she’d received — and the thousands Void claimed to have received. None of them had been interested in anything but the children she might bear. “He doesn’t come from a royal family.”
“I know,” Alassa said. “Why do you think I like him?”
Emily stared down at the ground, one hand wiping away her tears. None of the princes had struck her as decent men; one had been a brain-damaged lunatic, one had been a lecherous swine, and the others had been somewhere in between. The thought of having to share the rest of her life with one of them was bad enough, let alone the thought of sharing a bed. And Alassa would have willingly accepted one of them, if it had seemed necessary.
But Jade? Jade was decent.
And he is a good match for her, she thought, bitterly. It still hurt. They’re both smart, they’re both fond of physical exercise, and they’re both...they’re both determined. And who would try to pick a fight, in court, with a combat sorcerer?
And he doesn’t share the problem of inbreeding...
And yet, it still hurt.
“My father would have had me marry you, if you had been a boy,” Alassa said. “He knows I need someone formidable as a husband. Jade...is formidable, without actually being a threat to me — or to my father.”
Emily flushed. Zed had offered her, perhaps in jest, a potion that would change her gender, permanently. A joke...or a subtle revenge on King Randor?
“I don’t know,” she mumbled. “I just don’t know.”
“I need you to help me,” Alassa said. “Please...”
“Then why didn’t you tell me?” Emily asked. She felt betrayed and isolated and abandoned and alone, in the midst of a heaving castle she owned. “Why didn’t you tell me any of this?”
“Emily...”
Emily rose, and stalked towards the door. “I need to think,” she snarled, as the wards resisted her passage. She tore them down with swift, efficient spells. “Leave me alone!”
Alassa came up behind her and rested a hand on her shoulder. “Emily, I...”
“Leave me alone,” Emily snapped.
The last ward came down; she pulled free of Alassa, and stomped out the door. Outside, thankfully, the corridor was deserted, although she heard the band playing in the distance. She walked down the corridor, away from the sound, and up towards the library. Baron Holyoake had resisted anything that smacked of learning, but Emily had insisted on receiving a copy of everything printed in her lands. Her library already had thousands of volumes, ranging from makeshift novels to textbooks and research papers. And it was still expanding...
“But why not now?” A voice asked as she entered. “We’re engaged!”
Emily looked up. Gaius stood in front of Melissa, who leaned against one of the bookcases. She looked angry, her arms crossed just under her breasts. Magic crackled between them. It was all that was keeping Gaius from pushing further into her personal space, Emily realized, as they both turned to look at her. Gaius met Emily’s eyes for a split second, then he turned and walked past her, out the door.
“Emily,” Melissa said. She sounded both defiant and depressed, an odd mixture. “Tell me something.”
Emily glowered at her. She didn’t like Melissa. How could she, when Melissa had decided she was to blame for Alassa becoming a much more capable magician? And whatever Alassa had done to start a fight with Melissa had happened long before Emily had arrived at Whitehall. But she couldn’t help feeling sorry for her, too. Gaius had clearly been trying to push his luck.
“What?” She snarled. “What can I tell you?”
“You’re the sole child of Void, a Lone Power,” Melissa said. “Is it easier being such a child than the heir to a magical family? To have one person to please, instead of hundreds?”
“I don’t know,” Emily said. At another time, she would have offered to talk, but now...all she wanted to do was collapse. “Void has been a very eccentric presence in my life.”
“But I bet he’s proud of you,” Melissa said. “The Matriarch finds fault with everything I do, no matter how well I do. I could come back home with full marks, the praise of every teacher at Whitehall and an honor award...and I would still have her picking holes in my work.”
She sighed, then walked past Emily and headed for the door. “You don’t know how lucky you are,” she said, bitterly. “To have a father who only shows himself from time to time. My father is dead...”
“I’m sorry,” Emily said. “I...”
“My grandfather wouldn’t object if the Matriarch ordered him to walk off a cliff...and he’s meant to be the Patriarch,” Melissa said. “And she...nothing ever pleases her.”
She nodded once, and walked out the door. Emily stared after her, raised a ward to seal the library, and collapsed into one of the chairs. Alassa and Jade, Melissa and Gaius...her emotions were too mixed up for her to think clearly. Instead, she closed her eyes and tried to force herself to relax.
It hurts, she thought, again. It was a bitter thought. Logic told her she should be happy for her friends. There were no grounds for objection, save for the pain. Why does it hurt?
But her thoughts provided no answer.
Chapter Twenty-One
SHE LOST TRACK OF HOW LONG she remained sitting in the library, lost in the tangle of her own thoughts. It seemed like hours, or perhaps only bare minutes, before she felt a familiar presence pushing against her ward. She wanted to channel the strength to keep Imaiqah out, but she couldn’t muster the energy. Instead, she allowed the ward to open far enough to allow Imaiqah to enter the library, then closed it behind her.
“Emily,” Imaiqah said. She walked over to where Emily sat, curled up in a chair, and sat down next to her. “How are you feeling?”
“Awful,” Emily growled. “I...did you know about this?”
Imaiqah met her eyes. “That Alassa and Jade want to get married?” She asked. “Yes, I knew.”
Emily wasn’t surprised. Alassa and Imaiqah had become friends over the past two years...and, in some ways, they were closer than Emily was to either of them. They had more in common, including Ken...and besides, Emily had been at Mountaintop for part of Third Year. And besides, Imaiqah was far more perceptive when it came to emotions than Emily herself. She’d probably known that Alassa and Jade had feelings for one another before either of them had admitted it.
And they shared a room, she thought. Did Imaiqah ever leave them alone together in the room?
“They should have told me,” she said, finally. “I could have handled it.”
“Alassa was afraid to tell you,” Imaiqah said, bluntly. “She...is not in a very comfortable position.”
“I could have handled it,” Emily repeated. But she thought she understood. Alassa might not have dared to get close enough to consider marriage — or a fling. There were definite advantages to the match, but also several weaknesses. King Randor might refuse to even consider the possibility. “Does her father know?”
“I’d be surprised if he didn’t have someone here keeping an eye on them,” Imaiqah said. “And he has been surprisingly indulgent with both of them.”
Emily frowned. How many bad romantic movies were based around the bodyguard falling in love with the millionaire’s daughter or the pop star with the awful singing voice? In hindsight...had King Randor known all along? He might just have given Jade the job so he could see what his daughter’s prospective husband was made of.
She shrugged and looked at her friend. “Why does it hurt?”
Imaiqah looked back. “Do you want me to guess?”
“Yes,” Emily said, flatly.
“I think part of you thought of Jade as yours,” Imaiqah said. “He’d asked you to marry him, not the other way around. You thought of that as a commitment, even after he changed his mind and you both decided it would be better not to get married.”
“But I didn’t think of him as mine,” Emily said. “I knew we we
ren’t going to get married.”
Imaiqah gave her a long considering look. “I’m not saying your feelings have to be logical, or smart,” she said. “Men do the same with us, of course. If they think a girl is theirs, they will keep thinking a girl is theirs, even after they move on. I’ve had quite a few boyfriends who thought they had a claim on me, even after we broke up.”
Emily flushed. “But...Jade’s different.”
Imaiqah laughed at her. “Everyone says that,” she said. “Or something about how she is the only person who can make a good man out of him. Or about how everyone else doesn’t know him the way she does. Or...”
She shook her head. “I think you have another problem,” she added. “You have some...issues with abandonment, don’t you?”
“No,” Emily said.
Imaiqah ignored her. “You don’t make friends easily. And you’re hellishly loyal to the friends you do make. I think part of you thinks that Alassa and Jade will go off together and leave you alone, even though they’re both your friends. And you reacted badly, even if you don’t want to admit it, because you thought you were being abandoned.”
She had a point, Emily admitted, privately. But...it still hurt.
“I don’t think you can really say you have a claim on him,” Imaiqah said. “Alassa was worried that you might feel you did, which is partly why she said nothing to you. But how do you feel?”
“Stupid,” Emily said.
“That’s a good answer,” Imaiqah said. “Tell me. Do you want him?”
Emily shook her head, firmly. She couldn’t envisage spending the rest of her life with Jade.
“Then what’s the problem?” Imaiqah asked. “Apart, perhaps, from you feeling blindsided and stung because no one told you?”
“She said I was selfish,” Emily muttered. “I...”
“Lots of people say things they don’t mean,” Imaiqah said. “Alassa is no different from anyone else, even though she’s a princess. I won’t say she isn’t attracted to Jade, because she obviously is, but marrying him solves a great many other problems at the same time.”
Love's Labor's Won Page 20