by Julie Kagawa
“It’s…not that bad, is it?” I managed to get out. Ash gave a rueful smirk.
“Well, let’s put it in perspective, shall we?” he mused, brushing a strand of hair from my eyes as he gazed up at me. “How many Elysiums have you been to?”
“Three,” I said immediately. “At least…this will be my third one.”
“And how many Elysiums do you think I’ve been to?”
“Um. More than three?”
“I do appreciate your gift for understatement.” Ash kissed me once more and let me go, shaking his head. I stepped back, because if I stayed there any longer, staring into that gorgeous face, I wouldn’t be going anywhere. “Very well.” He sighed, putting on a mock-affronted air. “I guess I can suffer through another Elysium.” He shifted to an elbow, watching me beneath the covers, looking so sexy I was tempted to say the hell with it and miss Elysium myself. “You do realize that I’m probably going to be challenged at least once by some Winter Court thug who thinks I’ve turned traitor.”
“Yes, well, try not to kill anybody, Ash.”
“Majesty?” A soft tap came on the door. I opened it a crack to find three wire nymphs gazing up at me. “We are here to help you prepare for Elysium, your majesty,” one said with a deep curtsy. “Councilor Fix insisted that we arrange a dress for you, one suited for your status as queen.”
“Did he now?” I smiled. Fix, my chief packrat adviser, had been quite busy of late, researching Elysium, the other courts and all the customs that went with it. He was incredibly efficient and probably knew more about the event than most of the traditional fey did.
The wire nymph shuffled her feet, looking uncomfortable. “Yes, your majesty. He also wished us to remind her highness that it would be highly inappropriate to wear human jeans and a T-shirt to the Winter Court, and that sneakers are not considered proper court attire.”
A quiet noise came from the bed, sounding suspiciously like a snicker. I spared Ash a quick glare over my shoulder, and he gazed back innocently. Last night, when Fix was going over the rules with me one more time, I jokingly had mentioned the event was so stuffy and formal, maybe I could go in casual clothes this year. Then I’d at least be comfortably frozen. I’d thought Fix was going to have a heart attack squeaking in horror, and quickly assured him I was kidding. Packrats were wonderful little fey and fiercely loyal, but they tended to take everything seriously. Puck would have a field day with them.
Puck. I felt a twinge of sadness at the memory of him. Where was he now? What was he doing? I hadn’t seen my best friend since the day we defeated the false king and I claimed the Iron throne. Ash had; Puck had accompanied him to the End of the World in his quest to gain a soul so he could be with me in the Iron Realm. But they’d parted ways soon after, and no one had seen any sign of the Great Prankster since.
I wished I knew where he was. I missed him.
“All right,” I told the wire nymphs, smiling to ease their nervousness. “Then I’m at your mercy, I suppose. Lead the way.”
An indefinite time later, after being poked, prodded, stuffed into a gown, my hair teased into curls and my face touched with makeup, I went back toward the bedroom, relieved that it was done. This was one of the things I didn’t particularly care for; these extremely formal affairs that required me to look the part of a powerful faery queen. I understood Ash’s reluctance. Faery politics were tricky, conniving and, if you weren’t careful, extremely dangerous. I’d had to learn the ropes fast. Thankfully, Glitch and Fix were there to offer guidance when I needed it, and now Ash was here, as well. And the youngest son of the Unseelie Queen was no slouch when it came to the power struggles between the faery courts.
Speaking of which…
He was waiting for me outside our chamber doors, leaning against one of the pillars, arms crossed. Seeing him, I paused to collect myself. Ash in his black-and-silver uniform cut a striking figure against the white marble column, his cloak draping his shoulders and his sword at his side. It reminded me of our first dance together, my first Elysium, when I’d seen the cold, dangerous son of Queen Mab up close for the first time and was completely lost. Call it fate, destiny or just blatant hardheadedness on both our parts, from that moment on, there was no turning back.
As I approached, he smiled and pushed himself off the column, extending a hand. He had this uncanny ability to see everything about me in a single glance without taking his eyes from my face. I sensed he was doing that now. His expression looked a bit dazed, for just a moment, before he took my hand and kissed the backs of my knuckles, a perfect gentleman even now.
“Well.” I sighed, ignoring the butterflies set loose in my stomach. “Here am I, all fancied up and ready to go to Elysium.” I glanced down at the metallic gray-and-white fabric of my dress, befitting colors for the Iron Queen, and shook my head. “I hope this gown is heavy enough. Mab’s palace isn’t exactly the warmest place in the Nevernever.”
“You look beautiful,” Ash said, pulling me close. I blushed, and a slightly mischievous look crossed his face. “I’m glad Fix was able to talk you out of jeans and a T-shirt.”
I swatted his stomach with the back of my hand. He laughed softly, offering an arm, and together we walked through the long hallways of the Iron palace. Gremlins scurried over the walls and ceilings, cackling, and Iron knights lowered their heads as we passed. Hacker elves, Cog dwarves, wire nymphs and clockwork men all bowed as we went by, before continuing their duties. My Iron fey. It was hard to believe that a few years ago I was a normal teenager living in the Louisiana swamps, and the Iron fey were slowly making their move to destroy the Nevernever. Now I was their queen, and they, while not really welcome in the wyldwood and the other courts, were no longer considered abominations to be eradicated. So much had changed. I had changed, and so had everyone around me.
I snuck a glance at my knight, walking quietly at my side. He seemed truly at ease now, comfortable and content in the Iron palace. Though his gaze constantly swept our surroundings, taking everything in, and he watched every faery I spoke to with searing intensity, ready to spring into action if needed, he’d acclimated to the Iron Realm surprisingly well. I’d been worried at first, that he would miss Tir Na Nog and the Winter Court and would have a hard time adjusting to the alien nature of the Iron realm and the fey within it. But he’d slipped into his role here surprisingly well, almost like it was familiar. Like he’d done it all before.
And, strangely enough, maybe he had. I didn’t know what Ash had gone through on his voyage to the End of the World to earn his soul. He’d told me the gist of it, without going into too many painful details, and what he had told me seemed almost too crazy to believe. One section in particular, the part where he’d seen a future version of us, he didn’t speak of much at all. It wasn’t that he was being evasive, but he’d explained that he didn’t want to color our future with what-ifs and things that might never happen.
Truthfully, I wasn’t worried. I knew he would tell me everything, down to the last detail, if I really wanted him to. But Ash was here, in the Iron Realm. He had found a way to survive, to be with me. That was all that really mattered.
“You’re staring at me again,” Ash murmured without turning his head, though one corner of his lips quirked up. His silver eyes danced mischievously. “Is it the uniform? Perhaps I should remove it if it’s so distracting.”
“Behave, Ash.” I wrinkled my nose at him, smiling. “And don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing. Your little ploy to
get out of Elysium isn’t going to—”
I gasped as, without warning, my stomach turned over and a bout of dizziness made the walls spin. I tried to say something to Ash, to ease the alarm and worry on his face, but the ground beneath my feet tilted, and the floor rushed up at me.
Chapter Two
“Meghan!”
Groaning, I opened my eyes.
I lay on my back on the cold floor, the walls still swaying slightly, the last of the dizziness fading. Ash knelt beside me, his arms under my shoulders, gently easing me down. He’d caught me, of course, and was now watching me with a pale, alarmed expression. The hand suddenly gripping my own was painfully tight.
“Meghan.”
“I’m…all right, Ash.” Wincing, I sat up, breathing deep as the world went normal again. “I just…fainted, I guess.” Well, that was humiliating. Here I was, the Queen of the Iron Fey, passing out in my own hall. Good thing we weren’t in Tir Na Nog yet; showing weakness like that in front of the Unseelie was asking for trouble.
“Are you sick? What happened?” Ash took my elbow and gently helped me stand, eyes bright as he stared at me, appraising. “Should I call for a healer?”
“No. I’m fine.” I put a hand on his arm, squeezing once. “It’s nothing. I guess I’ve been working too hard lately. I feel perfectly all right now, promise.”
“Maybe we shouldn’t go to Elysium,” Ash said, sounding unconvinced of my all-rightness. “Have Glitch send Mab and Oberon our apologies. If something is wrong—”
“No.” I faced him, my voice firm. “I’m the Iron Queen, and this is something I cannot miss. It’s not negotiable. I have to go.”
“Meghan…”
“If I don’t show up, it will make this realm look weak, and we can’t afford that. You know what Mab will think, Ash. You, of all people, know what she’s like.”
Ash nodded once. “I know,” he murmured darkly.
“I won’t put my people in danger.” Turning from him, I gazed down the hall, watching the gremlins and the Iron knights and the packrats and everyone. “I can’t fail them, Ash,” I said. “I won’t. I won’t have the other courts thinking the Iron Queen isn’t strong enough to come to Elysium, to protect her own people.”
“No one will ever think that.” Ash stepped up behind me, his strong hands on my shoulders. “But you’re going to Tir Na Nog no matter what I say, aren’t you?” He sounded resigned, and I didn’t have to answer. Sighing, he lowered his head, his lips brushing my ear. “I’ve never been able to stop you, my queen,” he murmured, “but I do want you to know that I might be a little overprotective tonight. These are your people, so that makes them mine as well, but my first and only duty is to you. Always.”
“Majesty!”
Glitch strode toward us before I could answer. Neon lightning snapped in his hair, throwing purple shadows over the walls as he bowed. “The carriages are here,” the First Lieutenant said with a nod to Ash, who inclined his head in return. “We are ready to depart for Tir Na Nog, with your approval.”
“Then let’s go. We shouldn’t keep Mab waiting.” Before either of them could reply, I strode forward with my head up and my back straight as Fix had instructed. The walk of a queen, regal and confident. After a moment, Ash fell into step beside me. I could sense he wanted to say something, argue with me, but he kept silent and didn’t bring it up again during the long, cold ride to Winter.
* * *
To put it mildly, the court of the Winter Queen was not my favorite place in the Nevernever. The last time I’d been to Tir Na Nog, I’d been a prisoner of Queen Mab and the Unseelie Court. My own doing, of course. It was part of a deal I’d made with Ash in exchange for getting my brother home safely. And though I’d do it all again if I had to, it was, as I remembered it, the worst few weeks of my life. Mab despised me, her middle son, Rowan, constantly tormented me and her Unseelie subjects either wanted to kill, freeze, torture or eat me.
Then there was Ash. He had been there as well, but he had turned cold and cruel, abandoning me to the mercy of his brother and queen. Or so I’d thought at the time. The Winter Court is brutal and unmerciful, viewing emotion as a weakness that must be destroyed. Ash had been keeping me safe the only way he knew how: by playing the part of a heartless Winter prince. He’d played it well; he’d hinted to me about how he would have to treat me when we got there, and I’d still believed his act wholeheartedly. I’d thought he had turned on me, used me, and my heart had broken into little pieces. I didn’t realize until later how much Ash had sacrificed to keep me safe.
God, I was so naive, I thought, watching crystalline stalactites roll by the carriage windows. Mab’s palace resided in an enormous icy cavern, the ceiling so high you couldn’t see it through the darkness. I’m lucky I didn’t get eaten the very first day I was there. If I could go back to that moment and talk to myself, I’d probably smack me. Thinking of that shy, uncertain girl now made me sigh. You can’t afford to wear your heart on your sleeve anymore, Meghan. Not in the Winter Court. You’re the Iron Queen now. You have a whole kingdom counting on you to be strong.
The palace came into view through the carriage windows, a pristine, glacial blue castle with ice hanging off every tower, coating every step, as beautiful as it was deadly. Just like its queen.
Who, admittedly, was not terribly pleased with me for marrying her favorite—and now only—son.
I looked at Ash, who was gazing toward the palace, his eyes distant and his face blank. Remembering, just like me. I felt a twinge of sadness, empathy and guilt. This had to be hard for him.
“Hey.” I touched the back of his palm, where a gold band entwined with silver vines and leaves circled his third finger, a twin of my own. He turned almost guiltily, and I smiled at him. “You all right?”
“Yes.” He nodded. “I’m fine. Just…” He nodded out the window, to the frozen spires looming above the rooftops, and shrugged. “Memories.”
“Do you miss it?”
“The court? The squabbles and backstabbing and constantly having to watch what I said or did? Hardly.” He snorted, and I smiled, relieved to hear it.
“But…” He sighed, looking out the window again. “There are some things that I miss. I lived here such a long time, I knew the Winter Court better than almost anyone. I still do. But now…” His brow furrowed. “Now, when I look at Tir Na Nog, all can I see are the missing pieces. The family who’s no longer there. Sage is gone. Rowan is gone.” His eyes clouded over, and I could feel his regret, the gnawing ache of remorse and guilt. “I never thought I would miss them,” Ash mused in a soft voice. “I never thought…I would be the very last of my line.”
I took his hand in both of mine, squeezing gently, the cool metal of his wedding band brushing my skin. “I’m sorry, Ash,” I whispered, as his bright soulful gaze shifted to me. “I can’t even imagine what that’s like. I miss my family like crazy, and they’re still alive.”
“It’s a little different.” Ash gave me a faint smile, though his eyes were still shadowed. “Your family loves one another—you would do whatever it takes to keep them safe. My family…well, you’ve seen them. I could never drop my guard around my brothers, especially Rowan. And Mab…” He shook his head. “Mab was always the Winter Queen, and she never let us forget that.”
“But you still miss them.”
“Yes,” he admitted. “I was still a part of that circle. It was familiar, safe. I belonged there. Even with all the cruel games
we used to play, the countless times we used each other, I still knew that Rowan and Sage and Mab would always be there.” He gazed down at his hand, still trapped in mine. “But things are different now. My brothers are gone, and the Winter Court will no longer welcome me, not like it did before.”
“Feeling homesick?”
“Tir Na Nog is no longer my home.” Ash finally looked up again, meeting my gaze. His eyes lightened, back to that gorgeous silver. “I’m whining, aren’t I?” he said with a rueful look, and shook his head. “No, I’m not homesick. I might miss my kin, but my home is Mag Tuiredh, or wherever you wish to rule from. The Nevernever, the Iron Realm, even the mortal world, it doesn’t matter to me. Meghan…” He shifted closer, closing the distance between us, and one hand rose to brush my cheek. “My home…is with you.”
Dammit, don’t cry, Meghan. I bit my lip to keep the tears in check. It would not do to show up to the Winter Court with blurry eyes, but sometimes Ash would surprise me with quiet, sincere statements like these and I couldn’t help it.
“I’m sorry,” he murmured, mistaking my tears for remorse, perhaps. “I’ll stop talking about the Winter Court. I knew I had to come back and face Mab eventually. You shouldn’t have to hear me go on and on about it—”
“Ash,” I interrupted, placing a finger against his mouth, making him arch his brows. “Just kiss me.”
He smiled. Slipping an arm around my shoulders, he drew me forward, lowered his head and brought his lips down to mine.
We kissed each other in that dark carriage, our lips moving in rhythm, both of us uncaring of the Unseelie city right outside the windows. Ash was gentle at first, keeping himself under control, but when I leaned against him, tracing kisses down his jaw, he groaned and tilted his head back, whispering my name. I pushed him into the corner, my hands tangling in his hair, his running the length of my back, pulling us closer. Our kisses were hungry now, devouring. My tongue parted his lips, sweeping inside; his pulled away to press to my neck, making me shiver and gasp. My hand slipped down his chest to his lean, hard stomach, and then slid beneath the fabric, tracing his ribs. He jerked, exhaling raggedly, before his cool lips seared over mine again.