by Kiki Leach
"My judgement?" asked River. "My goddamn judgement."
"It's what the fuck I said, asshole--"
“When you’re the one goin’ around and fuckin’ up Chino and his crew--”
"Alright, look," said Wolf.
"No, YOU look, old man!" River shot back as he thrusted a hand in his face. "I'm sick of this assholes, shit. I've been sick of it for a long motherfuckin' time now. I'm sick of him bein' pissed off at ME 'cause he wasn't fuckin' good enough to stand at your side--"
"That's what you think, you little piss ass bitch? That I wasn't fuckin' good enough to stand at his side?" He shook his head again and smirked. "You really don't know shit."
"I know this: I know that I'm wearin' a VP patch and you're not. And as long as I’m livin’ and breathin’ the fumes of this goddamn club, I know that you never fuckin' will."
"You're VP in name only, asshole. What the fuck changes have you made around here that have had any kinda goddamn impact whatsoever?"
"If we end Ricky for good, that's one of 'em, you piece of shit--"
"Yeah, Ricky. All for the sake of you finally stickin' your cock inside some black bitch's cunt--"
He lunged forward but Wolf stepped between them before River could attack him as he wanted. And Jesus Christ, did he want to put that son of a bitch to ground already. It had been a long goddamn time coming, but mentioning Mia yet again was enough to make him want to whip out both his nine and his knife simultaneously.
"You keep sayin' that shit," he snapped, lifting his head over Wolf's shoulder and keeping his eyes on Tiny. "You wanna get a rise outta me – constantly sayin' shit to have me beat your ass into the motherfuckin’ ground 'cause you know what it means for me to finally take you down."
"Motherfucker, I sure as fuck would like to see you try."
“No you wouldn’t, ‘cause you’d know the goddamn consequences of it all if I did!” River shoved Wolf back into him and moved over to the pool table.
Wolf growled, then turned to a furious Tiny, who tried bypassing him to get to River. He shoved his hand into his chest, forcing Tiny to stumble back and over his heels. He snarled. "That's enough outta you, asshole," said Wolf.
Tiny rattled his head and chuckled, though the motherfucker remained pissed as hell. "You are always stickin' up for this motherfucker even when he treats you like a piece of SHIT!" he replied. "Ever since he was a goddamn kid! And even when he doesn't fuckin' answer his goddamn phone and show up for you when you fuckin' call!"
"I'm fuckin' here, aren't I?!" River balled his fists and pounded them into his chest as he made his way back over to the both of them. “I'm standin' right the fuck here, right the fuck in front of you, asshole."
"Yeah, you're just BARELY here, motherfucker. Just fuckin' barely--"
"I just got off of a goddamn plane less than a fuckin' hour ago! A plane that led me straight from New York fuckin' City, which is where I just left my goddamn KID! Forgive me for not bein' enough of a prick like YOU, motherfucker." He pointed at him. "To not give a flyin' fuck about her goddamn well bein' with a goddamn, fuckin' lunatic on the loose!"
"Fuck you, Riv," said Tiny.
"No, fuck YOU, ASSHOLE!" he shot back. "Fuck you, fuck this shit and the goddamn club right the fuck along with it."
"Riv--" Blue interjected.
"You hear that shit?" snapped Tiny, cutting him off. "Did you fuckin' HEAR that piece of shit garbage comin' outta that fucker's mouth?! Fuck this shit and the entire goddamn club -- that means you, Prez." He cut his eyes to Wolf and sneered. "Yeah, you did REAL fuckin' right in makin' this prick bastard your motherfuckin', goddamn VP and heir to the Shadow Ridin' throne."
"Let's go." Blue stepped up and wrapped one hand around Tiny's neck and the other around the back of his arm and dragged him from the front of the club and into the back of it to cool down.
An incensed River turned to the bar and slammed his hands down on top so hard that it nearly cracked the goddamn wood beneath them.
Wolf moved in beside and looked down at him, his grey eyes darkening the longer he stared. "I don’t know what the fuck has been happenin’ to you lately, son, but this shit, whatever the fuck it is, has been fuckin’ you up somethin’ serious," he told him.
“I’m good--”
“No, you’re not fuckin’ good, asshole. Between Mia, Ricky and now with Madison leavin' town for school, you are anything but fuckin’ good. You need to get it the fuck together and take a goddamn walk around the outside of the club. Cool the fuck down and shake this shit off. With everything that's goin' down soon, we don't have time for you to be walkin' around here losin' your shit and tossin' bottles all over the goddamn place just 'cause you're pissed that you're not gettin' laid by who the fuck it is that you're wantin' to--"
"I said I was good."
"And I said you're full of fuckin' shit. Get it the fuck together and a take. A fuckin'. Walk."
River sighed heavily and turned his eyes to Wolf; he stared at him for a few seconds before finally shoving himself away from the bar and heading back outside.
Chapter Thirty-Six
A few hours into the party, and the pussy was flowing just as much and as often as the booze. Bur River couldn't have given even less of a shit about it all if he tried. The last thing that motherfucker wanted or needed at the time was to deal with random pussy when the one he really wanted was barely even speaking to him. And he knew it was his fault; he knew that opening his goddamn mouth was like the kiss of fucking death when it came to this bitch, especially when he was sober. Everything he ever seemed to want to say to her either came out wrong or didn't seem to come out at all. There never seemed to be a goddamn in-between where she was concerned, and he hated that shit almost as much as he seemed to fucking cherish every goddamn bit of it.
As he took a drag from his cigarette and leaned against the garage, he couldn't help but wonder what the fuck she was doing right in that very moment. He imagined the thought of finally going home to her that night only to find her asleep on the couch or better yet waiting for him in his bed. Shit, just the thought made his cock stiff and instantly, he was damn near ready to call it a night.
"'Sup, motherfucker?" Blue came up behind and smacked him on the back while taking a drag from his own cigarette.
River looked over at him, wrapped his fingers around the middle of his cigarette, and nodded. "Hey."
"You been MIA all goddamn night since that shit went down with Tiny earlier, asshole. You alright?"
"Do I fuckin' look alright?" he shot back.
“Actually, you look like fuckin’ shit that’s been dumped from a goddamn garbage bag and left in the goddamn street, but I was tryin’ to be nice given your ‘feelins’ as of late. Motherfucker.”
“Shit,” he grumbled.
Blue made a face and lowered his head. "Look, brother, since you been gone, Tiny ain’t the only motherfucker that’s been havin’ issues where you’re concerned. Wolf's been wonderin' about where the fuck your mind's been at too, more than the others. With the shit that went down tonight, he's startin' to wonder about it even more."
"Tiny instigated that shit like he always fuckin’ does,” he said. “Motherfucker stays tryin’ to get a rise outta me, ‘cause he knows I’d damn near kill him if he succeeded.” He turned his eyes to the ground and shook his head. “What the fuck is that old man wonderin' about?"
"Aside from thinkin' you might've had Eightball offed since he's been MIA--"
"How the fuck have you been able to get around that shit, motherfucker?"
"I've all but convinced him that the asshole cracked and got out. He keeps tellin' Tiny that he's on special assignment or some shit so he doesn’t flip his goddamn lid over it--"
"What about Slim?"
Blue pulled back. "Motherfucker, even you ain't still told me about what happened to that asshole after the night you said you’d take good and fuckin’ care of him. So I've got shit to go on there."
River grunted. "What'd t
he old man say?" he asked again.
He paused and took another drag from his cigarette. "He's startin' to think you might be up to some shit outside of the club, maybe even with some other charters that you're not lettin' the rest of us in on, again."
"Is this some shit he's actually thinkin' or did he just send you out here to ask me that now?"
Blue frowned. "No. But Tick from the Manhattan charter called him up--"
"Jesus," he muttered. "So he knows I got Tick and a few others to keep an eye out for my baby girl. That's why he was askin' about her. Not 'cause he gave a flyin' fuck about her goddamn well bein'. Prick's no better than Tiny."
"Does Madi still not know about Ricky?"
"No." River peeked over at his friend and arched his brow. “I don't know what the fuck Tick told that son of a bitch, but I ain't made any other dealin's with anybody else outside of the club. Wolf's just bein' an old paranoid motherfucker 'cause he's got more bones hangin' inside his own goddamn closet than any of the rest of us combined. Shit like that is what keeps that old man thinkin' that way more often than he fuckin' should."
"That may all be true, motherfucker, every goddamn word of it. But fact is, he's still wearin' that goddamn Prez's patch, which states that he's in charge."
"Yeah," he groaned. "Shouldn't be havin' it for too much longer though."
"What's that mean?"
He shook his head. "Nothin'." He inhaled deeply, then blew the smoke out around the cigarette before yanking it from between his lips.
Blue stood straight and glared at his friend. "River, what in the fuck is really goin' on with you tonight, asshole? You said your girl is good out there at that college, right? You weren't just bullshittin'?"
"She's good, just as I said."
"Then what the fuck? Is this some shit that's got to do with Mia and why she's not here tonight and makin' googly eyes at you from across the goddamn room?"
"It's a goddamn pussy party, asshole."
"So? She's free pussy 'til you officially lay claim to it."
River slowly sucked in air and held it tight before releasing it and speaking again. "Even if I had invited her to come out here, ain't no way in fuck she'd have come. She'd rather sit at home alone all night than spend any more fuckin' time with an asshole like me."
"What? She's at home alone?" asked a puzzled Blue. River nodded. "Where the fuck is her kid or Jolene?"
"Avery's gone 'til Tuesday 'cause she's spendin' the weekend with Meghan and her kid. Jolene's out on another goddamn date with that random motherfucker from the bank and won't be back 'til the mornin', maybe."
"Wait a goddamn second here, Riv. Jesus, no wonder you're fucked up in the head, asshole."
"What?"
Blue leaned in and glared. "Motherfucker, you're tellin' me that Mia's kid is outta your house for two more goddamn nights after this one, your mother's out 'til she at least gets her some from this fucker at the bank, and that sweet fuckin' piece that you've been lustin' after since day fuckin' one is at home alone? Her first fuckin' night she's been alone since the shit with Eightball went down, and she's spendin' it by her goddamn self?!" Blue slid his eyes to the corner and rattled his head. What the fuck was this motherfucker's deal? "Lem'me ask you somethin', asshole," he said. "What exactly are you fuckin' doin here? Admirin' the goddamn scenery of random fuckin’ pussy?"
River shoved his brows together in ultimate confusion. "What the fuck are you talkin' about?"
"I'm talkin' about YOU, and wonderin' what the fuck you're doin' here, motherfucker? Why are you fuckin' around and dodgin' random club pussy when you could be at home and gettin' it in with this bitch like you've been wantin' since day fuckin' one?"
"You just said that Prez is paranoid as fuck about me, right? He'd try to chop my balls off if I didn’t bother comin' here at all tonight."
"Nobody said you had to fuckin' stay, asshole! You come, you make your appearance, you say your 'heys' and give a few dabs to the Dragons to let 'em know you still give a fuck about helpin' to put Ricky to ground just as much as they want to. And then you hightail it the fuck outta here and start preparin' your cock for a good motherfuckin' time with a bitch who just might know how to suck and fuck it better than any other one you ever had. Shit, brother, you are losin' your goddamn touch right along with your fuckin' mind."
"I ain't losin' shit."
“You ain’t gainin’ a goddamn thing here either! Least of all a lick of fuckin’ sense.” He leaned away from River and flicked the ashes of his cigarette to the ground. "Brother, I..." He paused and sighed. "What exactly is it that you've been feelin' for this bitch since the very fuckin' beginnin'? And I'm talkin' since the first goddamn time we found her out here layin' nearly half dead at the goddamn gate,” he said. River glared. "We can all see this shit, we been fuckin’ seein it, but you need to just fuckin' say it and forget all the shit you think you're supposed to be feelin' about her or yourself; forget all the shit you think you wanna feel about her and just say how the fuck this shit really is. 'Cause the shit you're doin' now, by not admittin' the goddamn truth to anybody and least of all your own fuckin’ self, is fuckin' you up inside that big goddamn head of yours and has BEEN fuckin' you up since the minute she walked back in here."
"Shit."
River took one last drag, then tossed the cigarette to the ground and stepped on it as he blew out his final wad of smoke. He knew that once again, his best friend was right, just like his mother, just like Verna. Keeping quiet about Mia, about how he fucking felt, about how much he wanted to be all up inside her for the rest of his goddamn life had been fucking him up for a fuck of a lot longer than it should’ve, a fuck of a lot longer than he had been willing to admit to himself. Every decision made since the minute she came back had been made based on his feelings for her and for no other goddamn reason, and that shit was clear. He knew the only way to get himself right in the head again was to finally fucking come to terms with a truth he had forced so goddamn deep down inside himself that he had to reach his own damn hands in there to pull it back out again and face it as a fact head on.
Blue moved in close and stared up at him. "Riv."
He waited a few seconds, and sighed. "Verna said that in spite of myself and all the shit I keep tryin’ to ignore..." he started. "I might actually be 'in love' with this bitch."
"When'd she say that shit?"
"The night after that Eightball shit went down at the house, when we set up the party here to make it seem like shit was still fuckin' normal."
"What?" he snapped. "What'd you fuckin' say about that shit THEN?!"
River dropped his head and pushed himself away from the garage. "I don't even fuckin' know."
"Bullshit, motherfucker, bull-fuckin’-shit -- I think you fuckin’ do." Blue pointed and followed after him as he went over to the picnic table and hoped on top to take a seat. "I think that line about you not knowin' shit is tired as fuck, 'specially when it comes to this bitch and the way more than your own goddamn cock’s been obsessed with her for as long as it has. It's very fuckin' clear to any motherfucker with eyes inside his own goddamn head to see that you've known for a long goddamn time now just exactly how you fuckin' feel. And the truth, motherfucker, is that it's okay to finally admit out and fuckin' loud to yourself and everybody else that you actually love this bitch, or any bitch for that matter. But in particular one you think you should fuckin' hate just 'cause of some shit other people did to your mother over thirty-five fuckin' years ago."
River swiped his hand back and forth across his mouth and pinched his lips. “It’s more than just this shit now, it always fuckin’ was--”
"Motherfucker, it ain’t been more than about this shit since day fuckin’ one! You tryin’ to make it into somethin’ it ain’t and never will be don’t change the goddamn facts of a situation YOU yourself helped to fuckin’ create.”
He groaned. “Fuck.”
“Yeah, ‘fuck’,” said Blue. “Fuck the fact that you’re still car
ryin' around a goddamn grudge and a lingerin' hate for two motherfuckers in particular. A goddamn useless hate that this bitch had no part or play in and fightin' her and your own goddamn self along the fuckin' way has been helpin' out nobody, Riv; not a single goddamn person in or outside of this club. I know you're stubborn as fuck and always have been, but this shit is beyond fucked," he told him. "You look at this bitch, and you wanna see them, and you wanna keep on bein’ angry about this shit, but you’re damn near startin’ to hate yourself ‘cause you don’t see ‘em at all. This bitch is not the enemy, Riv, not like you been tryin’ and failin’ to make her out to be. And admittin' that you just wanna be all up inside that sweetness of hers, and make a goddamn home for yourself doesn't make your dick any less soft or chop off your goddamn balls like you're might thinkin' it would. It doesn’t take away the shit that happened to your mother either. If you ain’t guessed it by now, she’s a pretty strong fuckin’ bitch, and she sees the same goddamn shit I do – the same shit everybody does, brother.” He stopped and looked to the ground as River glared at him from the corner of his eye. "I don't know about all of this shit for myself, about what it's like to love a bitch of any kind outside of my cock lovin' her pussy and me makin' it purr." He snickered. "But from what I hear, love can be a pretty fuckin' damn good thing for the two people involved in it. Even when it fucks you all up inside." He wrapped his lips around the cigarette and inhaled. "And in your case when it comes to this bitch, fucks with your head, straight down to your goddamn cock and then some."
"Christ." He wrapped his arms around his knees, latched onto his wrist and flexed his muscles. "I don't know how the fuck to love a bitch, motherfucker. I sure in fuck don't know how the hell to love this one. It's only been two women I've ever loved in my entire goddamn life and I ain't never loved either one of 'em like this."