by VK Powell
“I’m sure. Do whatever you want. Just finish me this time.”
Jordan brushed Neela’s hair aside and rimmed her ear with her tongue, her breath hot and erratic. She massaged Neela’s breasts while rubbing their bodies together. “You feel so good.” She brought her right hand to Neela’s mouth and pressed her middle finger inside. “Wet this. I’ll fuck you with it.”
Neela moaned as she sucked on Jordan’s finger and imagined it sliding in and out of her. Jordan rocked against her in rhythm with her sucking. When Jordan pulled her finger out, Neela almost came. “Take your clothes off, Jordan. I want to feel your skin on mine.”
“Shush.” Jordan spread Neela’s legs farther apart with her knee and slowly filled her completely, firing heat and sensation through her.
Neela instantly gripped Jordan’s fingers and the contractions began. Jordan reached around and squeezed her slick folds around her clit. “Not yet. I want to be inside you longer. You’re so wet and hot…and soft.” Jordan was gentle with her, but Neela felt her straining to hold back her own responses. What was she afraid of?
Neela tensed to stave off her building orgasm. “I’m so ready.”
Jordan took Neela’s hand and placed it where hers had been, holding her sex. She resisted the temptation to stroke herself to orgasm. Then Neela heard Jordan unzip her jeans and turned to see her fold the waistband over and slip her hand inside. I want to touch you.
Neela hung on, trying not to come until given permission. She couldn’t resist much longer. “Jordan, please. Can I come now?”
“Not…yet.”
Jordan’s thrusts into her were firm yet tender, but she wildly clawed herself as if sex had to hurt to be pleasurable or maybe to be acceptable. “Oh, fuck.” Neela looked over her shoulder, wanting to meet Jordan’s gaze when they came. Jordan pumped frantically as she fingered Neela. “Now. Come now.”
Neela surrendered to the heat scorching her, the juices running down her legs, and the rasping sound of Jordan’s breathing against her neck. She rode Jordan’s fingers up and down until ripples of pleasure gripped and squeezed and her knees gave way. “Oh my God, Jordan.” She clung to the seat back as she spilled into Jordan’s hand. Struggling for breath, she enjoyed the final spasms of release as Jordan slid her fingers from her.
Jordan fell back against the seat with her hand still inside her jeans. The pain on her face was almost unbearable. She curled up like an injured animal, frightened and defensive. Neela reached for her but Jordan pulled away.
“Are you all right?”
“Yeah.” Her guarded tone was back.
“No, you’re not. Let me help you.” Neela knelt between Jordan’s legs on the floorboard and pulled Jordan’s hand from her shorts. “You smell delicious. I want to taste you.” She licked her fingers one by one as Jordan watched. Her hand quivered against Neela’s lips, and fire still burned in her eyes. “Jordan, please let me satisfy you.”
“Jesus, Neela. You’re making me crazy.”
“Why?”
“You’re just so damn sexy and…”
“Horny?”
“Uninhibited. But I can’t.” Jordan straightened her jeans and tucked her shirt in, every movement near her crotch causing a visible flinch. “You need to go.”
“But we’re not finished. You’re in pain.”
“I’m fine. It’s late and Bina is alone.”
The statement was like a cold splash of reality, and the accompanying guilt was almost dizzying. Neela immediately started pulling on her clothes. “I really don’t understand you. One minute you’re angry because you think I’m cheating on a partner and the next you’re worried my mother is home alone. Are you trying to push me away?”
“I’m not—I don’t know what you want me to say. It’s best if we just forget about this. Move on with our lives. We both wanted this to happen again, but I—”
“Oh yes, I forgot. This is just another game for you, another conquest. Well, congratulations. I was so desperate I allowed you to screw me in a car like a teenager. Your friends will get a kick out of that. Too bad you don’t have pictures.” She really didn’t want Jordan to respond because she feared the worst.
As she finished straightening her clothes, she paused, reluctant to leave her anger between them. Bina’s health issues had taught her to express her feelings, especially if it might be her last chance. “I’m sorry. This is what it is. I knew exactly what I was getting into with you. I don’t necessarily want you to say anything. Just talk to me. I can’t explain why I care, and I certainly can’t understand this chemistry between us. I’m just interested in you.”
“You wouldn’t be if you knew who I really am. Go home, Neela. This was a mistake.” Jordan reached across, opened the door, and waited for her to get out. “And please don’t speed on the interstate. I don’t have the energy to chase you tonight.”
On the way home Neela wondered if Jordan was right. Could she go back to life as usual? Would she be content with her normal routines and an occasional vanilla orgasm with Liz? Or had Jordan breeched her physical and emotional barriers so completely she’d never be the same? Equally important, why was she attracted to Jordan—a reckless, rude, conflicted being who wouldn’t allow herself to be touched or satisfied by a partner—a woman who made her abandon all sense of decorum? But Neela’s instincts told her there was more to Jordan than she’d been allowed to see, and that insight intrigued her and pulled her deeper into Jordan’s emotional quagmire.
Chapter Nine
Jordan crossed her ankles and shook her foot until her chair vibrated as Sergeant Milton paced back and forth in front of her and Bex. They’d been summoned to an eight o’clock meeting after Jordan’s sexcapade with Neela. After a steady round of pacing and a coughing fit, Milton finally stopped in front of Jordan.
“Do you know a woman named Elizabeth Blackmon?”
“No.”
“That’s interesting because she says you assaulted her last night outside the Veterinary School of Medicine on the State University campus. Ring any bells?”
“Oh, her.” Bex’s sideways glance indicated she didn’t appreciate being blindsided.
“Care to elaborate, or should I just take her word for it and suspend you now?”
“We hadn’t been briefed about this woman. I didn’t know her connection to Doctor Sahjani, so when she grabbed her in the parking lot, I reacted. And I didn’t assault her. I pushed her to create distance and assess any further threat potential.”
“Jesus, I can tell you’ve been in Internal Affairs a few times. You’ve got the lingo down pat. But is that really what happened?” He looked at Bex.
“I don’t know, boss. I wasn’t there.”
“You’re her damn partner. Where were you?”
Jordan couldn’t let Bex take the heat for her. “I asked to work nights for a few days, so Bex switched with Harry Styles.”
“And where was Harry during this non-assault?”
“He called in sick.”
“What a clusterfuck. All I have is your word against that of an upstanding doctor with impeccable credentials and no criminal history. Was a time that would’ve been enough, but not lately. I never know what you’ll do next.”
Had Neela asked Elizabeth Blackmon to complain so Jordan would be removed from her protection detail? Or had Neela complained? It really didn’t matter because she absolutely needed to be replaced. Things between her and Neela had gone too far, and she couldn’t undo what had happened.
“Sarge, if I screw up, I take responsibility. I told you what happened, but if you need to suspend or replace me, I get it.”
“Today must be your lucky day, Bishop. Doctor Blackmon doesn’t want to pursue formal charges. She just wanted to know why the police were watching Doctor Sahjani. I told her to talk to her friend.”
Jordan’s foot stopped shaking and she relaxed slightly. She knew Milton well enough to know he wasn’t finished yet. He directed his attention to Bex.
&n
bsp; “Get your schedules back together and manage this walking disaster, or I’ll transfer you both to evidence control. You’re senior detective, and I expect you to act like it. Harry and Phil have split their shifts so the two of you can have the day off. This assignment isn’t over until the chief says so, and I don’t want any more screwups. Now get out of my sight before you spoil my good mood.”
Bex didn’t speak until they were in the parking lot and Jordan was astride her bike. “We need to talk. I mean really talk. Can you do it sober, or do we need to reconvene at the bar?”
“I’ve got something else to do.”
“Take care of it and meet me later. I can’t be your partner or your friend this way, Jordan. You’ve got to help me.”
“Fine. See you there at two.”
Jordan rode for hours trying to clear the thoughts and images of Neela enough to figure out what to say to Bex. She’d crossed the professional boundaries days ago and put both of their careers in jeopardy. She’d also stretched their friendship to the limit too many times recently not to give Bex an explanation.
She’d refused help from anyone for a long time and had become angry and reckless. The therapy sessions with Molly were bringing everything to the surface, but it wasn’t just the memories. Her problem went deeper and she wasn’t anxious to share it with anyone. It was a wound that never seemed to heal, a rejection that underscored her worthlessness as a human being. And that was a deficiency she couldn’t reveal to her work partner. The job required she at least appear to have her shit together, but since Neela had come into the picture, she’d failed miserably.
She didn’t want to examine her behavior with Neela last night too closely either. Neela had been open and willing to satisfy Jordan’s needs, no matter what they were, while she treated Neela like just another conquest. She’d wanted to give Neela more and was disgusted with herself that she couldn’t.
Neela’s kindness had been too much for Jordan. She couldn’t look at Neela or let Neela touch her while they had sex. And even though she’d been physically aching, she couldn’t come with this gorgeous creature writhing against her. Neela had seen that she was without substance, sensitivity, or the capacity to truly love. So she’d run like every other time before. Jordan had to get a grip on her life before she destroyed everything.
She took a chance her therapist might be available and sent her an emergency text. She’d disregarded Molly’s encouragement to spend a bit more time in counseling before entering into another relationship. Her interaction with Neela wasn’t really a relationship, but it was certainly complicated. Molly’s advice only seemed to make sense after the fact. Any fool could see now what she’d done was wrong, but in the heat of the moment, all she knew was how badly she wanted Neela. Why couldn’t she purge her demons and move forward? When Molly called, Jordan summarized her latest digression and asked for advice.
“So, let me see if I understand what you’re telling me, Jordan. You’re interested in someone. She’s also interested, and you’ve already had sex.”
The long pause was Jordan’s signal that Molly didn’t approve but was trying not to say so. “I know you said I should wait until I sorted my feelings and dealt with my past, but she just happened, out of the blue. I certainly didn’t plan any of this. As a matter of fact I’ve been fighting it—except for the sex.”
“Do you care for this woman—more than just a sexual partner?”
Jordan wasn’t sure she could answer truthfully. How would she recognize the line between sexual need and emotional caring with no clear definition of love or boundaries in her past? “How will I know?”
“You’ll know you care when sex isn’t enough. When you’re not okay just getting off and walking away.”
She’d already started questioning her past lifestyle, but did that mean she was in love?
“Jordan, do you remember the training rule about using deadly force?”
“Yeah. When in doubt, don’t.”
“Exactly. I’ll go a step further. Slow down. Think about what you’re doing before you do it. And when the past comes up, don’t let it drag you down. Figure out what you want now and work toward that. If you’re not sure about your feelings, that’s okay for the moment. Just be honest with this woman. It’s all you can do, and it’s the greatest gift you can give her. You’re making progress, Jordan. Be patient and be kinder with yourself.”
“Thanks, Molly. I’ll try.”
When she walked into the bar at two, Bex had already ordered their first round of drinks, another thing her therapist had suggested she avoid for a while. She strode to the secluded table in the back and guzzled half of her vodka tonic before sitting down. Would she ignore the rest of Molly’s advice too? “I’m sorry.”
“I know, but I need more,” Bex said.
“You’ve been a good friend, better than I deserve lately.” She finished her drink and waved to the bartender for a refill. Closing her eyes, she waited for the welcome buzz that would dull some of the pain. “When my mother left—” The words hung in her throat, choking off further explanation.
“I can’t imagine, Jordan.”
“It wasn’t just losing her. She took everything. I grew up with no sense of family or belonging to anything good.” Jordan cringed as visions of the orphanage resurfaced. She took another big gulp of her drink, unable to meet Bex’s gaze. “Do you have any idea what it’s like to be in an orphanage? I don’t remember many happy times, just an overwhelming sense that something was missing. The younger children were herded into a room with one attendant, not much interaction, while the bigger kids went outside to play. We mostly fought, and whoever was bigger and tougher got the toys. When I had a growth spurt and was shuffled out with the older kids, I was always bottom dog—the punching bag, fetcher, and blame-taker for whatever they did. I never seemed to fit in, always felt misplaced, temporary, and basically a problem to be dealt with.” Bex’s eyes filled with tears. “For God’s sake, don’t pity me. I can’t handle that.”
“It’s not pity. I’m trying to imagine how incredibly hard it was for you to be in a place like that. How long were you there?”
Jordan had imagined telling her story so many times and suppressed the feelings for so long it rolled off her tongue with little emotion. It had been easier to tell Molly because she was a stranger. “My mother dropped me off on the doorstep of New Beginning when I was only a few days old, and believe me, it wasn’t a new beginning. It was hell, from what I remember. I’m probably the only baby in the history of the state who wasn’t adopted. What’s wrong with me?”
Bex shook her head. “I didn’t know. I always thought you were older.”
“I didn’t want to face that look in your eyes I see right now. I didn’t want you to use the past as an excuse for my messed-up behavior. And I certainly didn’t want you to think less of me because of the missing pieces. Nobody wanted me and I didn’t develop very well. I’ve made mistakes and I’ve taken responsibility for them. I should’ve gone to jail several times, but one youth detective and a sympathetic judge took an interest when I was caught joyriding in a stolen car. If it hadn’t been for them, I’d be a felon now instead of a police officer.”
“Jesus. It’s a wonder you can function normally at all.”
“I’m not sure I do.” She finished her drink and shouted to the bartender. “Double vodka, straight up.”
“Maybe you should slow down.”
“I can’t do this sober, and if I don’t get it out now I never will. Just listen, and if you want to walk away, I’ll understand.” She couldn’t imagine having this conversation with anyone but Bex. They’d been friends a long time but didn’t have the intimate connection lovers shared. Lovers expected more, were more easily disappointed and quicker to use the past as a weapon when things went wrong, or at least that’s how she imagined it.
Bex took a generous sip of her drink and smiled. “I’m not going anywhere, partner. No matter what.” She sat back in the booth and wa
ited until Jordan was ready to continue.
“I’ve got some challenges, to say the least. Anger management, duh, impulse control, and intimacy, to name a few. Big surprise, right? The orphanage had rules for everything and against everything but no explanations for them. My Catholic keepers weren’t good at being questioned. I’m not saying they were all horrible people, just uninformed in the ways of the world and how to raise a rebellious kid. And other shit was going on too. You can imagine how I became such a cornucopia of psychological dysfunctions. I rebelled, acted out, and eventually ran away. When I joined the police department, I needed structure and real discipline, not just domination and control. I’m still trying to fit in.”
“And that wild streak we all know and love became one of your defense mechanisms.” Bex said it like it made perfect sense.
Jordan shrugged. “I guess. When I reached puberty, I was told my feelings were wrong, that sex was bad and intended only for procreation, not pleasure and never with women.”
“You knew you were a lesbian?”
“I knew I was different but didn’t know exactly what that meant. With such a fanatical upbringing, I had a lot to shovel through.”
“That explains your aversion to health-care professionals who’re supposed to take care of the young and needy,” Bex said.
“You think? It’s hard to accept that nobody knew what was going on or tried to fix it.”
“I can understand that. But you need to remember this was years ago, long before Neela was health director.”
“But does an organization ever really change, or are the attitudes of complacency and apathy systemic? It’s not her I object to. It’s the societal failure to protect children who can’t protect themselves and the politicians who won’t change the situation.”
“I’m with you there, partner.” Bex took the remainder of Jordan’s drink and downed it in a single shot. “Look on the bright side. You seem to have gotten over the sex-for-pleasure part.”