by Opal Mellon
“Are you alright? Is the mascara bothering you?”
“No,” Nicole said. Life bothered her. A life she’d never seemed to fit into, a life that hadn’t seemed to want her much. “Sorry.”
“That’s okay.” Melanie picked up the wand again, and Nicole looked up automatically.
“Can you look down now? I need to do the bottom lashes.”
“Oh. Thanks.” Nicole did, and Melanie held her upper lashes out of the way. It felt intimate and uncomfortable, like a touch of unwelcome kindness that was just putting more pressure on the leaky dam. Nicole hated touch, it either felt so good it made you afraid, or it felt so bad it made you afraid. She felt itchy, knew that Melanie was her cousin, and a girl, and someone who cared, but still, fingers were fingers, hands were hands.
Nicole had always felt somewhat like a mirror, someone who reflects back to others more of what they really were inside. She felt she brought out the caring in caring people and darkness in dark people, so being with someone like Melanie was nice. But Melanie’s kindness, her tenderness, were making her wary, and she found herself wanting to get to the club where she could sink into polite, anonymous banter with the others. Really, she wanted to be alone with her laptop, to write or surf the Internet or just think without the feeling that someone was trying to violate her.
“There,” Melanie said.
Nicole looked at her reflection. “It looks great. Thanks so much. I need to change, can you wait outside?”
“Sure,” Melanie said, looking a bit hurt. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
No, Nicole thought. People being nice to me make me afraid of what they want from me. “Yes. I just need a moment.”
“Okay,” Melanie said, and she went out and closed the door behind her.
Nicole gripped the sink harder, staring into the mirror. She deserved friends and love. She went through the affirmation routine she relied on for relief. She smiled at the mirror, and the face smiling back at her reminded her that there was at least one person in the world who liked her. She could trust herself.
She went to her room, pulled open her drawers, and searched for an outfit. She knew it was weird to ask Melanie to go outside, but she didn’t change in front of anyone, girl or not. Girls could easily end up as weird as men did, although they didn’t seem as naturally inclined to do so.
At times, she wondered what made her stepdad like he was. What created a person like that, or what had happened to him to make him like that? Was a person born to hurt others, or hurt until that’s all they knew to do? At least in her, that impulse had never come to fruition. Her experience with pain made her so loath to inflict it on others. She had a hard time even allowing pain for others, acknowledging that sometimes it was necessary and okay, because for her it had been overwhelming, crushing.
She pulled on clothing, not caring much what it looked like, and went to open the door for Melanie. Melanie was there waiting, and grabbed Nicole into a hug. Nicole winced, then locked the piece of her up that was screaming, and returned the hug. She tried to soothe Melanie, who looked like she was blaming herself for Nicole’s depressive descent. No. Just talking about makeup. Talking about shrinks. Talking about anything that reminded her of how she was different.
Nicole knew there had to be many like her, many abused but not lucky enough to have an aunt that would rescue them and a cousin like Melanie. She hoped her books gave them happiness that wasn’t threatening.
“Are you sure you still want to go out tonight?” Melanie asked, still holding on.
“Sure,” Nicole pulled back. “I’m a little off tonight, but I can be a little off out at a club as well as I can be a little off at home.” She gave Melanie a nudge towards her suitcase so she would get dressed. “Besides, it might make me feel better.”
While Melanie picked out clothes, Nicole checked her hair in the mirror. Sean would be at the club. So much better than a letter or an email. She could sit with him and remember how much they had cared for each other back then. She could remember one person that never wanted to hurt her, and she could live in the hope that this adult Sean was just here to protect her, and not for any other reason.
Most of all, she could go out and be with friends, people who made the darkness seem darker but invited her into the light.
Chapter Five
There was a way of seeing a woman that made a man feel like he’s more than he was, and that’s how Sean saw Nicole.
He enjoyed watching her with her cousin, a younger woman, with similar skin to Nicole, if a bit darker. The two were clearly related, with the same beautiful curly hair, dark skin, and big smiles. A rare amount of eye makeup lined her eyes, setting off the sparkle that always seemed to jump from them. Nicole’s bone structure was a little different than Melanie’s, more striking, maybe because she was in her mid-twenties while Melanie was only eighteen.
Nicole was being warm and friendly tonight, probably because she was with Melanie who was so helpful and supportive and curious about everything.
The two sat close, Justin on one side, Jason on the other. Sean sat on a neighboring couch, watching them play pool with the other hosts and feeling jealous.
“Ha!” Melanie said, sinking a ball. “Sorry, Justin.”
“No!” Justin laughed and made an exaggerated pose of despair. “How could you Melanie! I thought you loved me!”
“You’re such a cheese ball, Justin.”
“That’s right,” he said, looking at the table for his next move. “Cut me up and serve me with crackers. I’m a total cheese ball.”
The group laughed, including Nicole, and Sean pushed away any feeling of bitterness that she was laughing with another man and smiled with them.
“I’m in next game,” he said.
“I thought you hated pool,” Jason said, scowling at the table.
“I don’t hate it,” Sean said. “Anyway, I’m bored.”
“There are a ton of girls here,” Jason said. “Why don’t you entertain one of them?” He exchanged knowing smirks with Justin.
“I don’t want to,” Sean said. “Besides, won’t it ruin my appeal if I become eager?”
“True!” Justin said, trying to calculate an angle. “You’re a fast learner, old man."
“Old man?”
“Yeah. Given by demeanor, not age.”
Sean glared, and the others laughed. He was a bit tired of being called an old soul, of the expectations to always be mature, to do the right thing. Just because he was smart enough not to say or do stupid things, didn’t mean he wasn’t tempted. He was still a 24-year-old guy, and while he tried his best to be a good man, he was tired of others just expecting it. But it was hard to show anyone your human side when you were trying to impress a girl.
“So, John, tell me about your goals in life.” Melanie said, dark eyes sparkling up at him. Why did dark eyes sparkle so brightly?
“Not much,” he said. “Working here. A few plans outside of this. Top secret.”
“Rude!” Melanie laughed. “Why can’t you tell us?”
“Now, Melanie,” Justin said. “You know it’s not proper to get into the old man’s business.”
“Wow.” Sean rolled his eyes. “Everything I do makes me an old man.”
“If the boot fits,” Nicole said, surprising everyone by jumping in. “Besides, you turned us down for pool when we wanted you to play. We’re entitled to tease you about being an old man so that we don’t feel immature.”
“I see,” Sean said. “Well, it’s not like an odd number would have made sense anyway.”
“I would have let you have my spot,” Jason said. “No one here appreciates me anyway.” He pulled his glasses down to glare at the girls and Justin.
“Please, Jason,” Justin said. “We appreciate you. We appreciate that you make the funniest reactions when you get thwarted.”
“That’s right,” Nicole said. “We appreciate how fun it is to thwart you.”
Jason laughed, throwing his hands i
n the air. “Alright. Well I’m going to go mingle. The game is basically over for me, and Melanie’s about to finish anyway.”
“Really?” Nicole asked.
“You haven’t even been paying attention,” Jason said. He said his goodbyes and left.
Sean took the opportunity to move in on Nicole’s left and sit by her. The couch was a half circle so that they could surround the pool table in front of them.
“Should I take his spot or just watch?” he said.
“Probably just watch,” Nicole said. “It’s almost over anyways, apparently. Besides, it seems like those two are the only ones paying much attention to it anyway.”
“True,” Sean said, looking at Justin, who was arguing with Melanie. They seemed to enjoy it.
“Want to play a different game then? Just with me?” Sean asked.
She nodded and followed him to the game cabinet.
“What would you like to play?” Sean pushed games around and found Sorry. “How about Sorry?”
“Sure,” she said. “My best friend and I used to play this game all the time. In fact, he’s the one that’s a lot like you.”
“It sounds like he meant a lot to you.” Sean took the game out and started to set it up on a table away from the crowds.
“He still does.” She took one of the pieces from the start position and rolled it in her hands.
“Whoa,” Sean said. “So is this a love interest?”
“No. That’s why he means so much. He’s been the only one who hasn’t tried to use me like that.”
She looked beautiful tonight. He couldn’t believe his best friend had grown into this woman. Her hair was shiny and curly and her face had sharpened with years. When she looked up at him her dark eyes seemed to twinkle. He realized she had said something important. “Wait, what do you mean men use you?”
Nicole hesitated for a moment. “You know. Men start out nice. They act like your friend. They treat you well.”
Sean nodded. “Sounds right.”
“But it doesn’t last.”
“What?” Sean asked. “Like they want to sleep with you?”
“No,” she said. “That’s not the bad part.” She shook her head. “Wait, why am I telling you this? I have a shrink. I’m sorry.”
“No, go on, I’m interested.”
“You’re nice.” She smiled softly. “If they had just wanted sex in the first place, I’d have just blown them off and been fine.”
He nodded.
“But they always start out good, and by the time they turn bad, I’ve started to love them and thought they loved me. It always turns out I was just someone they wanted to use, and they treated me well so that I would let them.”
“I’m not sure I understand.”
“I’m not sure I can explain it. It’s taken years of therapy to even talk about it this way. I’m just messed up, I guess.”
“It’s not you,” he said. “It’s the men. Have men really gotten so bad?”
“The ones I tend to attract,” she said.
“What about this childhood friend? You said he still meant something. Has he turned out to be bad?”
“Well, he isn’t attracted to me. I think if I just stay friends with a guy, I’m safe.”
“I don’t think that’s a kind of safe I would want.”
“Well, what do you know?” She waved a hand at the club. “If you were normal you wouldn’t be here right?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” He wished his thigh would stop twitching like it always did when he got tense. “It’s a job.”
“Kind of a weird job, don’t you think?”
“Well you’re here too.”
“Fine. So I am,” she said. “I’m trying to face my issues though. In fact I came from a shrink appointment today.”
“How is being here facing your issues? Aren’t you just avoiding the real world?”
“Aren’t you just mister preachy today.” She clicked her tongue. “Sorry, that was terse. I guess you’re right. I am avoiding things.” She sent him a side-glance that seemed to say something, though he didn’t understand what. “At least the men here are honest. They are all men that are just hired out to date women. I won’t get tricked here, and meanwhile, I’ll keep working through therapy to see if one day I can pick the right guys, not the wrong ones.”
He felt his throat constrict, wishing this wasn’t going where it was going.
“I guess what I hate more than anything in the world is being tricked.” She put her piece down at the start position and moved to shuffle the cards. “You know?”
Sean felt like ants were crawling in his underwear. Hearing that he was doing the one thing she hated more than anything in the world, and not being able to react to it was tougher than getting a three point headshot on a third degree black belt.
“I’m sorry you’ve been through so much,” he said. “You don’t deserve that.”
“I know.” She nodded. “Thank you.”
“And we all like you a lot.” Warmth crept up his cheeks and he hoped it didn’t show. “I’m glad you’re here. Maybe after a while here you can start to see what you want and how to look for it.”
“So I should look for people who are like male escorts?”
“We aren’t normal escorts, you know that,” he said. He wanted to put a hand on her hand, because it was clasping her leg like she was in pain. But he didn’t.
“I know,” she said. “You’re way hotter than normal male escorts.” She smiled at him, and patted his hand lightly before moving away and grinning as if she hadn’t.
That did it. He was sure he was full on blushing and she could see it.
“You’re blushing.” She laughed. “I’m kind of jealous. I never blush.”
“You don’t?” he asked. “Does it not show, or do you just not feel the warm feeling at all?”
“I feel the warm feeling, but I just don’t. It must be my olive coloring.”
She turned to watch Justin and the group at the pool table and let out a little sigh that made him jealous.
“Would you like to rejoin the game?” Sean didn’t want the moment to end. He’d been feeling like it was their own little world again, like a bubble surrounded them.
“No,” she said. “Not really in the mood tonight.” She slumped back a bit on her chair.
“Is everything okay?”
“Yeah,” she said. “Sometimes I just have bad days. Today Melanie brought up the subject of shrinks because she’s a psych major and it sort of threw me off.”
“We all have bad days,” he said. “But aren’t therapists supposed to make you feel better?”
“So now you’re an expert on therapists?”
“You’re dodging,” he said.
“I guess they should make you feel better,” she said. “But they really dig in, make you think of things you’d rather forget. I guess it’s a lot like lancing a boil. The poison gets out but it hurts like heck.” She tapped her foot on the ground. “I guess talking today just brought memories back that I didn’t really want.”
“Really,” he said. “What do you mean?”
“Haven’t you ever had a time of your life you just want to forget, and so everything that reminds you of it puts you into a funk?”
“I can’t say that I have,” he said. “But I’ve known people who have. Very close friends who have been through some tough stuff.” Again he felt like patting her knee, to sympathize, but didn’t. “I’m sorry you’ve been through something like that.”
“I guess it’s made me who I am.” She put her arms around herself. “I just wish someone could give me answers. Every time I go to therapy, they try to help me fix myself. Sometimes I feel how I did as a kid. I didn’t cause the trouble, and I don’t know how to fix it.”
“I wish I had an answer,” he said, wanting to somehow reach out and bridge the gap between them. Hold her in his arms like he hadn’t been able to as a child. Cry with her, laugh with her. But he was lying
to her. He was doing what she hated most, and right now he just had to watch her struggle and pretend he was okay with it.
“I know,” she said. “I’m being so depressing. I think I’m just going to go for the night.”
“Are you sure?” He stood. “I’m sorry if I’ve upset you.”
“Not at all. I was flattered you were so interested,” she said. “I hope we can talk again sometime. I’d like to schedule another date.”
“Really?” he said. Then he remembered, a host date. She wasn’t asking him to court her. Just escort her. “I’d like that.”
“Me too,” Nicole smiled. “I’ll talk to Hope, you seem busy.”
“Great. I look forward to it.” But that wasn’t true. Another date would be just another lie. “This time, if we see your ex, can I rough him up a little?”
“I’d rather you didn’t.” She hiked her purse up on her shoulder and waved goodbye to Justin and motioned for Melanie to join her. “I can take care of myself.”
“Alright,” he said. “I’ll try to squash all chivalrous impulses.” He shrugged. “Speaking of which, would I be fired if I told you to drive safely and have a good night?”
“No, that’s fine.” She smiled.
“Good. Drive safe. Make sure one of the guards walks you out.”
“Will do,” she said. She turned to give him one last half smile, put her arm around her cousin’s shoulder, and disappeared through the double doors.
~ ~ ~
At the end of the shift, Sean entered the dressing room. Hope leaned against the wall with her date book in her hand.
“So Nicole just scheduled a second date with you.”
“Great,” Sean said, folding a shirt. “It’s kind of awkward having you in the dressing room.”
“No one else is changing.”
Sean shrugged. “Did you need something?”
“Did you want to know the date of your date?”
“Sure.”
“You don’t seem that excited about it.”
“What is there to be excited about?” Sean stuffed his clothes into his bag. “I’m tricking my best friend. She’s going on a date with me as a male escort, not as me.”