by Opal Mellon
S: What?
N: I know, it’s dumb. I’ve always had you to myself. But it’s only fair, since I’ll be going out with Ben.
S: So the jerk’s name is Ben.
N: Excuse me, jerk?
S: We’ve always called your guys jerks. Habit, sorry.
N: And I never liked it. I don’t need you making assumptions for me. I make enough on my own.
S: Sorry nick, it really just was a slip.
S: And come on, do you really expect me to be happy about this already? Being okay with you moving on, and not to me, is a work in progress.
N: It’s late, what are you doing tomorrow?
S: Not that late. Just working out.
N: Want to hang out?
S: Like a date? :)
N: No :) I can only handle one good guy at a time. They mess with my psyche.
S: Fine. I can only handle one girl at a time … because I’m bad at it
N: I can see that. Want to meet here and just go to the beach for a bit?
S: Only if you’ll let me take you to lunch. And show off with my tae kwon do on the beach.
N: Only if you’ll let me vent about Ben.
S: Groan. Jk! It’s a deal
N: See you then.
S is signed off
Nicole stood, stretched, and then pulled her nightshirt back down over her knees. She wondered if a nightshirt should even reach to her knees. No nightshirt probably would reach Angela’s, unless she had really short legs. Nicole hoped she did. Short legs and a super long torso. She wished she wasn’t pretty, and thin, and probably leggy and statuesque.
So Sean was trying to move on, huh? She didn’t know if she really wanted him to go through the effort. But it wouldn’t be fair to make him wait. If this Angela giant could make him happy, then she would accept that she was too late.
She flopped facedown on the bed and breathed into the blanket for as long as she could stand the air coming back to her face. She went to close the window, and as she did, something moved. Something silhouetted in darkness looked up at her and moved out of sight. She slammed the window down and stepped back. She looked down to make sure she’d been covered. She didn’t want to be alone anymore. She looked back at the computer, but knew Sean had signed off. She didn’t want to wake up her aunt.
She looked down at her phone, opened it, and texted. She knew when he got it he would come. Maybe the whole reason she’d lost him to Angela was because he was just a text or call away and she’d refused to let him in. Maybe it was too late to fix it now. But at least seeing him would be a reassurance that while she might have blown it for a love connection, he was still her best friend.
~ ~ ~
Sean threw on a shirt, shoved his phone in his pocket, and ran down the stairs. He took a jump over the last six and ended with a loud thud. He grabbed his jacket from the couch by the door and let the door slam behind him, unlocked.
Thunder sounded overhead as he got into his Jeep. He started it up, checked his phone, quickly texted that he was in the car on his way, and peeled out.
There were a lot of things in Nicole’s life he couldn’t fix. But some creeper in the shadows outside watching her window? He could fix that. And although he should be ashamed, he was excited that she was finally asking him for help. He stared at the clock on the radio, wishing the minutes could slow so that he would be there in less time. Two minutes, five, ten and he finally turned onto her street. He stopped the car and turned off the lights. He ran to the door and knocked quietly, in case Nicole’s aunt was asleep still, and Nicole pulled the door open almost as quickly as he could knock.
“Sorry, I left as quickly as I could.”
“It’s okay.” Her hair was pulled back by an elastic band, her eyes framed by dark circles. “It’s probably nothing. Did you see anyone?”
She peeked from behind the door, but Sean blocked her view.
“If they don’t know who lives here, it’s best to not let them see you, just in case.”
Sean looked around the side of the condo, nothing there, nor on the other side. He walked a little down the sidewalk, looked around the cars in front, and trashcans, and the sides of the other condos. He crossed the street and stepped over the barrier to the beach. He heard the front door creak open and saw Nicole in a large coat tiptoeing out.
He walked back to her, and her eyes widened, large and white in her face with an apologetic smile that turned to shock when he grabbed her behind the legs and put her over his shoulder, carried her inside, and told her to wait there. She had called him and he couldn’t look around properly if he was worried about her traipsing around in her pajamas. Just as he was about to open the door he saw her stand again in his peripheral vision.
He sighed. “There’s nothing you can do out there. You’ll just distract me. Stay in the house.”
Her shoulders rounded a bit in defeat but she kept walking towards him.
“I’ll be back in a second, I just need to check the beach.”
When she didn’t go back to the couch, but just stood there like an orphan, he walked over to her. He took a deep breath to explain once more why she couldn’t come when she put her arms around him, buried her face in his chest. He left his arms in the air, floating awkwardly as he wondered what to do.
“Don’t leave me,” she mumbled into his chest.
“What?” he said, wrapping his hands around her back, noting how much shorter she was. He was glad he wasn’t a kid anymore.
He put a hand up to stroke her hair gently. She flinched a bit at the touch but then sank back against him. “You don’t want me to leave you to go outside?”
“I don’t want you to leave me, period.”
“Should we sit down?”
She nodded, not letting go, so he put an arm around her and walked over to the couch. He sat beside her, not close enough to touch. He was trying to be careful. This Nicole was someone he hadn’t seen before. She was vulnerable, tired, and real.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m acting lame, I know.”
Sean admired how dark her eyes were in the dim living room, dark and black and going on forever when he stared into them. “You aren’t,” he said. “So tell me again, what did you see?”
“I went to close the window,” she said, rubbing her palms against the pajamas covering her legs. “And I saw someone move out of the way, into the darkness.”
“You’re sure?” he asked. “It wasn’t a cat?”
He regretted it as soon as he said it. “I’m sorry, I know you aren’t the type to overreact, go on.”
Her lips tensed and her eyes narrowed. “It wasn’t just that though. Lately, I just feel like I’m losing you. I feel like it’s all moving too fast. And then I saw someone outside, and you were all I could think about. I wanted to see you. I wanted you to protect me, and I’ve never wanted that before.”
Sean felt something well up inside him and tried to stop it. He’d been starting to distance himself from her. It was working. But her letting him protect her, her wanting that, it was making it hard not to hope for more. Caring for her made him want to protect her, and protecting her made him care more. It was a bad recipe for two people trying to stay friends.
“I know it was selfish of me to call you,” she said. “I know you’re trying to move on, and I’m not trying to ruin that.”
“I know.” He nodded, wishing she did want to ruin it.
“I just didn’t know who else to ask, and I didn’t want to scare my aunt.” She laughed and leaned back against the couch with her hand in her dark curls. “I think she even has a gun in here somewhere. Can you imagine, in Cali?”
“I’m glad you texted,” he said. “I wish I could check the beach for you though.”
“I know.” She shook her head. “Don’t leave though. I’d rather you were here. Can I lean on you?”
Sean flinched, not sure that was a good idea. “Sure.” But he sat stone still.
She leaned against his arm and rested her head against his s
houlder. “That feels nice.”
He didn’t say anything, too stunned that they were touching.
“Can you put your arm up?” she asked, trying to move it. He did.
As he lifted his arm she snuggled into his side, and put her hand on his chest. Oh no, Sean could feel her breasts. He hoped she wasn’t looking at his face. No, she was innocently snuggled against his side. Her face pointed down. Those weren’t breasts. He willed it to be true. He tried to think of unsexy things, like road kill. If necessary he could grab a pillow if he had to, and plop it over his lap.
He reached a hand up to her hair. She was so small and soft against him, willingly touching him, though he didn’t know why. Maybe just for comfort. Could she really only think of him as a friend? That was just unfair. She shouldn’t snuggle up like this, put her hand on his chest, if she couldn’t. But if there was any man who could deal with it, he had to admit it was probably him. He could keep his body under control because his care for her feelings and safety were more important than anything else. If he could just keep her safe, everything else would be fine.
Then her hand started to move down his to his stomach, then down further. She moved over his belt, and showed no sign of stopping there.
“Woah!” He jumped away from her and stumbled off the couch. “What are you doing?”
“I’m sorry.” She recoiled and curled into a ball on the couch. “I don’t know what happened.”
“Huh.” He backed up to the wall and eyed her suspiciously. “Why did you do that?”
“I just … ” She fidgeted. “You have a nice chest.”
“And?”
“And okay, I was having a hard time just cuddling, but you didn’t seem affected at all.”
“That didn’t give you a right to, to, well, you know. Nicole that stuff means something to me.”
“It means something to me too! It means someone just might stay with you.”
“Nicole. I’ve always stayed with you.”
“No. I feel like I’m losing you. Because I can’t give you enough. I just wanted to see if I could.” She folded her arms and sunk her face in them. “But it was wrong. I’m so sorry. See? This is why you shouldn’t be with someone like me.”
He sighed and walked forward, but stayed out of range.
“Look, you can’t do that,” he said. “We’re friends now. I don’t want that from you.”
“But you came over,” she said.
“And?”
“In the middle of the night.”
“And?”
“I don’t know. If you didn’t want that, why are you always protecting me?”
Sean felt like he had been asked why he would breathe if he didn’t want to eat cheese.
“How is coming here related to you violating me?”
“I thought you’d like it.”
“What?” he whisper shouted, so he didn’t wake her aunt, and she flinched.
“Well, I think you were getting an erection,” she said. “I thought I could help.”
He felt like he’d been stabbed. “I don’t want that kind of help,” he said. “I came here ’cause I was your friend. Not to use you like that.” He turned away from her, not wanting to let her see the anger or hurt, in case it would scare her. “How could you think I would want that? How? After everything I’ve done? After everything I’ve not done?”
Nicole flinched. “I’m sorry, okay?”
He just stared.
“I’m screwed up okay?” she said. “In my experience, when men have an erection, they expect you to do something about it. I’m trying to see you in a romantic way, but that just groups you in with everyone who has abused me. I don’t know how to deal with men like you. I just wanted you to stay with me.”
Sean’s anger dissipated. “What made you think I would leave?”
“I thought you wouldn’t stay with me unless I did something like that for you,” she said. “It’s why I don’t ask anyone for help. I don’t know why anyone would help me if it’s not to get something.”
“Nicole, that’s really sad.” He moved forward another step. “I don’t know why you’d think that. I’ve never helped you for that.”
“I just don’t understand you Sean, don’t you get it? I don’t understand nice. I don’t understand love. I understand being used. I understand that if you want people to take care of you, you have to give them what they want.” She turned to him and a tear fell down her face. “No one wants anything but sex from me.”
Sean moved forward, wanting to comfort, to help, but she put up her hands and turned into the couch.
“No, you already rejected me,” she said. “You hated it. You were right to hate it. I’m dirty and I’ll only fit with someone like me.” She held herself with her arms.
“I overreacted. I didn’t understand. Nicole, I want to understand.”
“Everyone since my stepdad. He should have cared for me,” she said, and the tears fell faster. “He was only kind after sex. He’d hold my face then, he’d call me good then. We’d lay there and I’d feel safe and those moments were the only ones where the world was right.” She pulled her hair. “But I know now that was wrong. I know it was wrong, but it was love to me, and now I don’t know how to love.”
Sean wished he could go smash the man’s face. Kill him. But that wouldn’t help her now.
“Nicole.” He approached slowly, trying to look gentle. She looked like a stray that would rather be put down than adopted by another monster or someone who would abandon her again. “Can I come over to you?”
She nodded, silently crying.
“Nicole. I will stay with you,” he said, sitting down beside her. “I will show you that people can stay with you. That they don’t need anything in return.”
“It’s not true!” she said, pushing him away. “You wanted more than I can give, and you moved on to someone else when I couldn’t give it.”
“I thought you wanted someone else,” he said. “I didn’t want to burden you.”
“I don’t know what I want,” she said. “I feel like I’m only just figuring it out. You’re pushing me up so hard against my issues I can’t see straight. My shrink always said this would happen, that the closer I got to a loving relationship, the more things would come out to bite me.”
He nodded.
“I just know I can’t lose you as a friend,” she said. “You’re all I have.”
“Not true,” he said. “You have other people that love you.”
“You’re the only one who stays, but hasn’t taken more,” she said. “Please don’t ever leave me.”
She put her hands on his arms and looked up to his face. When she moved in as if to kiss him, he pushed her away again, gently but firmly.
“No,” he said. “I do want to be with you, but not like this. Not like you are trying to buy my friendship. If you want me to stay, I’ll tell you what I want.”
“What is it?” she asked, eyes wide.
“Stay here,” he said, lifting his arm up and coaxing her towards him. He ran a hand over her hair, tucking strays away from her face. “Let me hold you as long as you need it, just as a friend. Let me be different from the other men, just tonight.” She started to cry again and he pulled her in against his side, tucked her there and let the wetness spread across his shirt. Let her cry about her stepdad, let her cry about him, let her scream and pound his leg, till she fell asleep.
Sean moved her from his lap to the couch, then stood so that he could situate her across the entire length of it. She looked peaceful, though her face was still puffy and streaked with glistening tear tracks. He thought he could watch her sleep all night.
He hadn’t known how much pain she was in. He hadn’t known so many things. He’d guessed what had happened, but he hadn’t guessed the fallout.
He moved to sit on the floor beside her, trying to decide what to do next. He should probably leave so that her aunt didn’t freak out in the morning. But Nicole had major abandonment i
ssues and he didn’t want to leave her and invalidate everything he had said.
At the very least he should get her to bed. He slid his arms under her knees and shoulders, amazed that she was still sleeping through all of this, and lifted her up. She didn’t weigh much to him, but he was tired from the adrenaline flood and the night’s emotional intensity. He turned his body so that he could fit her between the wall and the banister. Was his stairway this narrow too? He guessed you wouldn’t really think of it usually if you weren’t carrying someone. He moved in the direction she seemed to come from when she came down the stairs, and nudged the only door open gently with his foot. He set her down on the bed.
He sat on the edge of the bed. She lay sprawled with one arm above her head and the other on her stomach, her hair in tendrils around her. He wanted to touch her. Not that he would. Now he realized more than ever that that was not what she needed from him. More than anything she just needed a friend, someone to show her it wasn’t all about sex.
Well he could do that. Still the problem remained that she was asleep, and it wasn’t appropriate to stay. His Jeep was still parked outside the house. He could sleep there. He went over to her desk and found a post-it note and pen and wrote her a note. He left the house satisfied.
Chapter Eleven
Nicole woke up slowly as the rays of the sun poured in and warmed her to an uncomfortable sweatiness. She felt hung over, as if she’d been drunk the night before. She looked down to see she was fully clothed, and the night’s events slowly started filling her mind, like puzzle pieces coming together to make a picture. Oh no.
She threw herself down on the cover beside her, face burning, a sick feeling spreading from her stomach to her heart and her throat. She felt like she could throw up, if she had actually eaten the night before.
She could remember so well now. How big his arms had been, how muscular he’d been. She tried to forget. She had no right to notice how nice he smelled coming in from the night. Or how safe she felt under his arm. But what happened after was worse.
She’d almost groped him. She’d let him know everything. She’d gone completely insane. No wonder he was gone. He’d probably never want to talk to her again. She turned over on her back and heard paper crumple. She rolled off a little pink post-it note.