by M K Farrar
She sank back onto the bed beside him. “You don’t know what kind of meds they are.” Her stomach churned with nerves. This had never been part of the plan. She should have been more careful and hidden the tablets better from Tammy. It should have occurred to her that Tammy would have used them against her.
“Look at me, Livvy.”
Feeling guilty, she turned to face him. He fixed his dark eyes on hers, his touch on her arm increasing in pressure.
“Tell me what the meds are for?”
His voice was firm, and she didn’t feel she could disobey. What was it with him? It was as though he was able to just suggest something to her, and she felt compelled to obey.
The thought sent a ripple of unease through her. Was such a thing even possible? No, of course it wasn’t. It was a ridiculous thing to even consider. Yet she found herself remembering the number of times he’d convinced her to go against what she’d really wanted. She’d thought at the time she’d agreed to please him, because they’d been a new couple and she’d wanted to make him happy, but was there more to it?
I won’t tell him what the medication is for, she thought, turning her face away from him.
“Olivia.” His tone was firm. “Tell me what you’re taking medication for.”
She lifted her eyes to his. She had to tell him. She didn’t want to, wanted to lie and pretend they were for something else entirely, but she couldn’t help herself.
“They’re antipsychotics,” she said in a whisper.
He frowned, his hand moving from her arm. “Antipsychotics? What are they used to treat?”
“I have anxiety. It got quite debilitating at one point, and I struggled to function. But I’m better now, as you can see. The medication keeps it under control.”
“I see.”
“Plenty of people have mental health issues at some point in their lives, Michael.” Her cheeks burned. “It’s not something to be ashamed of.”
Lines marred his normally smooth brow. “So why didn’t you tell me already?”
“Because I wasn’t sure we were serious enough to be having those kinds of conversations. It’s not as though you’ve told me every single detail of your health over the past however many years. In fact, you hardly tell me anything about yourself at all!”
“That’s not true, Olivia. I’ve told you plenty.”
“About work, maybe, about what food you like, and books you read, but I’ve never met any of your friends or family. I’ve never even seen your house.”
He huffed out a breath of air in exasperation. “Like you pointed out, Olivia, we’re still a new couple. There’s no need to rush into all of this.”
“You mean I have to tell you everything about me, but you can hold back everything about you.”
“This is ridiculous.” He got to his feet. “I need to get going.”
Bitterness shot straight through her heart. “Of course, you do. Now that you’ve heard my dirty little secret, you’re running straight for the door.”
“I’m not running. I just have somewhere to be.”
“Your flooded house, you mean?”
He jammed his hands on his hips and nodded. “Yes, actually. I need to meet a builder first thing to get a quote for the work to be done.”
“So, let me come with you.” She knew how desperate she sounded and hated herself for it.
His eyes narrowed. “You’re being kind of clingy now, Liv.”
“Of course, I am. Well, off you go, then. Wouldn’t want a clingy woman hanging around.” She went to the door and motioned for him to walk out.
He exhaled another sigh. “Fine. I’ll call you.”
Michael leaned down to kiss her cheek, but she ducked her face away at the last moment so he only got air.
“Right.” He shook his head and turned and walked out the door.
Liv jumped to her feet and slammed it behind him. Then she sat back down on the bed, put her head in her hands, and burst into tears.
Chapter Twenty-one
One Week Earlier
SHE HADN’T HEARD FROM Michael since their argument. The weekend had passed with no contact, and then she started work again on Monday and did her best to put him out of her mind. She wrote and deleted numerous text messages, wanting to send them, but a mixture of pride and self-preservation held her back. She wasn’t speaking to Tammy either, after what she’d done, and the two of them passed each other in the flat like the living and the dead.
Ellen had picked up on something being wrong, but Liv didn’t want to tell her what had happened. Ellen had already said she didn’t like Michael, and Liv didn’t want to give her a good reason to like him even less. Deep down, she was hoping this was just a blip, and she knew bitching about Michael to her friend would only make things harder if they managed to come back from the argument.
Something else was holding her back from talking to Ellen, and that was the medication. If she told Ellen that she and Michael had fought, she would want to know the details, and then Liv would have to admit to her that she was on long term meds. It wasn’t a conversation she wanted to have, so instead she stayed quiet and plastered a fake smile on her face whenever someone asked how she was.
She managed to get through most of the week. Work was busy, as usual, which helped to keep her mind off the lack of messages or phone calls she’d had from Michael, but she hadn’t been sleeping well. She lay awake half of the night, worrying about Michael’s reaction to the news of her being on medication. It was irrational, but she was also concerned that he’d start putting together the pieces, and wonder if perhaps she did have more in her past than she’d told him, and if the man who’d called her Sarah in the street actually did have the right person. She was terrified Michael would start digging into her past. But a first name wouldn’t give him much to go on, and anyway, he’d most likely have just gone home and forgotten all about her. A man like Michael didn’t need to lower his standards with someone like her. He’d probably moved on already.
By the time she got to Friday afternoon, she was exhausted and barely functioning.
“Hey, are you okay?” Tony asked as he caught sight of her hovering over the water dispenser.
She managed a nod. “Sure. Just tired. That bug I caught the other week must have taken it out of me more than I’d thought.”
He frowned at her, concerned, and guilt coiled around her gut at her lie. No, it wasn’t a lie. She had been ill.
“Knock off a couple of hours early if you want. It’s Friday afternoon.” He gave her a wink. “It’s not like any of you guys are working up to your full potential anyway.”
The wink looked strange on him, but she managed a small laugh. “As long as you’re sure.” She wasn’t being productive, and she was letting things fall through the cracks—forgetting to return phone calls she’d promised, and not sending an important email to a solicitor about completion on a property.
“Of course. Come back on Monday refreshed. And I do mean refreshed, Olivia. I’m not giving you time off to go to the pub.”
“I won’t, I promise.”
She went back to her desk to get her stuff. Ellen caught sight of her. “You going home early?”
Liv felt bad she was the one skiving off, when Ellen had been through a far more traumatic breakup than the one she was currently torturing herself over. “Yeah, I’m not feeling great, so Tony said I could sneak home a few hours early.”
“Hey, well, if you’re feeling up to it tomorrow, do you want to get together? The weekends feel weird now Ryan’s not around.” She must have thought of something. “Oh, unless you’re seeing Michael, of course.”
“He’s got something on this weekend,” she lied. “He had a burst pipe in his kitchen and it flooded the place out, so he’s spending all his time dealing with different contractors right now.”
Ellen pulled a face. “What a nightmare.”
“Yeah, it is.” She forced a smile. “But it means I get to spend time with my best friend ins
tead.”
Ellen returned the smile. “Great. I’ll look forward to it. You want to come over to mine after lunch?”
“Sure. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Liv gathered up her belongings, and keeping her head down so she wasn’t stopped and questioned by half the office, left the building. She still had use of the agency car while she was in charge of the Richmond property, so she didn’t have to negotiate the Tube. She felt bad that she’d taken the car when she’d gone home early and wasn’t exactly working, but it wasn’t as though anyone else needed it. Most of the time, it was easier and quicker for the estate agents to catch the Tube, or even walk to the properties than it was to drive, so no one else would need to use the car, anyway.
Tammy had mentioned that she was going out straight after work, so Liv was relieved she’d have the flat to herself that weekend. Things had been unbearably strained over the past week, and she needed a little space from her flatmate. Though she knew lying to Michael was bad, it still hadn’t been Tammy’s place to say anything. She didn’t doubt that if Michael was in the dark about the medication, then he’d also still be in her life.
As usual, she avoided the lift up to her floor and took the couple of flights of stairs instead. She was looking forward to getting home. All she wanted was a long hot bath and an early night.
As she rummaged around in her bag for her keys, muffled voices drew her attention. She looked up with a frown. It sounded as though someone was having an argument, and they were inside her flat, but no one was supposed to be home. The voices grew louder, and definitely heated, but then she realised the reason they’d got louder was because whoever they belonged to was walking towards the front door. Her heart caught as the front door of her flat started to open.
Instinctively, she stepped back into the doorway of the neighbour’s flat, holding her breath, flattening herself against the surface. Her heart beat hard, every muscle tensed. No one was supposed to be in. From her view point, she was just able to make out a familiar tall, dark figure step out of her front door.
Her heart lurched.
Michael!
What the hell was he doing here, and, more to the point, who had let him in?
Tammy.
It must be. There was no other explanation. Either she’d let him in, or he’d cut himself a key. It made far more sense that Tammy had let him in, though she remembered how her front door had been left open the other week. Was it possible it had been neither her nor Tammy responsible, and actually someone else with a key? The idea sent fingers crawling up her spine.
Michael pulled the door shut behind him then crossed the hallway to the lift opposite. He hit the button to call the car, and when the door slid open, he stepped in and vanished from view.
Liv’s mind whirred with confusion. Was he looking for her? If so, why hadn’t he just called her? It wasn’t as though he didn’t have her number, and even if he’d lost it, he could have tracked her down at work. It didn’t make sense. Unless there was something going on between him and Tammy, and they didn’t know how to tell her. Was that why Tammy had been so against him spending more time there while his house was being repaired? Did she worry it would all come out about the two of them?
Her face flushed hot, and then a wave of cold swept over her. She didn’t want to go in there, didn’t want to have to confront her flatmate again. All she wanted to do was hide from everything or run away. No, she couldn’t run away. Not again.
The front door opened, and Tammy slipped out, clutching her handbag. She caught the lift, too, the doors sliding shut behind her. Liv waited until she was sure Tammy had gone then took her keys and let herself into the flat. Her senses were on high alert, trying to spot something that could be used as proof that the two of them were up to no good. Her nostrils flared for the musky scent of sex on the air, but she couldn’t detect anything. In a wild surge of adrenaline, she ran to Tammy’s bedroom, throwing open the door. She checked the bed for rumpled bedclothes, placed her palms against the mattress to feel for the residue of body heat. Caught up in a frantic kind of madness, she searched Tammy’s bathroom, checking the bin for a used condom. Then she remembered the packet in her bathroom. Still carried on her ride of adrenaline, she ran to her bathroom and checked the box. Were more missing? Yes, she was sure there were. Of course, it didn’t mean Tammy had used them on Michael, but her mind kept going in that direction. Was that why she’d told him about the medication? She’d wanted him for herself and knew that would be enough to send him running. Tammy didn’t know the half of it.
Finally, exhausted, she sat on the edge of the sofa with her head in her hands. Should she call Michael and demand to know what was going on? At least Tammy most likely wouldn’t be home until Sunday, so Liv had some time to decide how to handle this.
What should she do? Confront them? Damn it. She needed a glass of wine.
She was thankful for the chilled bottle of sauvignon blanc in the fridge. Without stopping to think about how she’d barely eaten all day and hadn’t slept all week, never mind whether or not she’d taken her meds, she cracked open the twist top and poured herself a large glass. She drank the first glass within a couple of gulps then poured a second and carried it over to the sofa. Her head was a mess. She knew she should pick up the phone and call either Michael or Tammy and demand to know what was going on, but she couldn’t face it. She didn’t feel as though either of them particularly liked her right now, and what if they both told her that they were together now, and there was nothing she could do about it? They’d be right, too—what could she do about it? She’d only been seeing Michael for a few weeks, and they hadn’t talked about being exclusive. But even so, the idea of him and Tammy being together made her lightheaded and nauseated. In her head, she saw them kissing, his fingers laced in her silky blonde hair, and her climbing on top of him on the couch. She imagined them laughing together about stupid old Olivia, and how they had both never liked her anyway. No, she didn’t want to think about it. How had this even happened? Her thoughts felt muddled and fuzzy, as though she was trying to piece them together when they were surrounded in cotton wool.
Desperate to get the images out of her head and to stop the thoughts from tumbling over and over, she grabbed the bottle of wine and poured herself another glass.
THE RINGING OF HER phone dragged her from sleep.
Liv blinked open her eyes and tried to put her thoughts together. What had happened? Her head felt groggy, her mouth dry. Of course, the wine. She’d drunk too much wine. But then she remembered the reason she’d drunk too much.
Tammy and Michael. She’d caught them sneaking out of here yesterday afternoon.
She reached out to grab her phone and answered without checking the screen.
“It’s me,” the voice on the end of the line said. Ellen. “Where are you? I thought we were going to the cinema.”
“Oh, shit.” Groggily, she checked the clock. With a start, she saw it was gone one in the afternoon. She’d arrived home a little after four the previous day. She’d lost almost an entire day. How long had she been drinking for? She thought she only had the one bottle of wine in the flat. Had she gone out and bought some more? If so, she couldn’t remember a thing. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened.”
“What do you mean you don’t know what happened? Are you okay?”
Out of nowhere, Liv burst into tears. “I don’t know.”
“Livvy you’re frightening me right now. What’s going on?”
“It’s Michael ...” Her voice broke with fresh tears.
“What’s he done? Did he hurt you?”
She shook her head against the phone, and winced as pain lashed through her skull. “No, nothing like that.”
“Do you want me to come over?”
“No, no, I’ll be okay.”
“Bullshit. I’m coming over.”
The phone went dead.
There was no point in trying to persuade Ellen from doing anything different.
Once her friend set her mind on something, there was no changing it. She felt bad, as she should be the one who was there for Ellen after the breakup with Ryan, not the other way around. But truthfully, she was pleased her friend was coming over. She didn’t feel right, lightheaded and shaky, and like she wasn’t really connected to the world.
It’s happening again ...
No, no, no. This was different. She had everything under control. It was having Michael in her life that was messing with her head. She should never have tried to get involved in a relationship. All the questions, the way she was constantly worried he would uncover something about her old life, had made her paranoid.
Though she knew having him in her life was too much for her to handle, the idea of letting him go sent pain through her heart.
He’s probably already gone, she told herself. It isn’t even your decision to make. He hadn’t called or texted since he’d left last week. Why would someone like him want to continue a relationship with a woman he now knew was on medication? He’d be better with some nice, normal girl.
Because maybe he actually likes you, a little voice whispered in her head. No, he didn’t. If he did, he would never have got involved with Tammy. Unless, of course, she’d read the whole situation completely wrong and there was a reasonable explanation.
Not wanting Ellen to see her in such a mess, knowing she must stink of alcohol, and that her feet were filthy, though she had no idea why, Liv quickly jumped in the shower, scrubbing away the worst of it. She brushed her teeth and rubbed some concealer beneath her eyes. She was worried for herself, but though she was going to talk to her friend, she didn’t want Ellen to see her in all her stark horror.
The doorbell rang, and she went to let Ellen up. Ellen stood in the hall outside, her face pinched in concern. She reached out and stroked Liv’s arm as she stepped into the flat.
“Hey, how are you doing?”
“I’ve been better,” Liv admitted. I’ve been worse, too, she thought but didn’t add.
“Shall I put the kettle on?” Ellen went straight for the kitchen and set about making them both tea. “So, start from the beginning. Tell me what happened.”