by Bree Dahlia
How would anything ever be the same again?
“What the fuck, Perry?”
We’d just finished our early family lunch, and Perry was stuffed full of lasagna. My stomach was too filled with nervous flutters to add any food to it. The sultry air blanketed over me, coating like a second skin. To say I was uncomfortable didn’t do my anxiety enough justice.
“What the fuck, Perry?”
“You already said that.”
“It deserves to be said twice.” The gravel crunched under our shoes as the two of us took a post-meal walk down my mother’s block. Perry wanted to burn off some of her bloated belly; I wanted to settle the little score I had with her and get all this murkiness out of my head before it knocked me on my ass. “Just what am I supposed to do now?”
“Watch out for that turtle!” I looked down in time to step over the little guy. We stood there and waited for him to finish crossing the street before we moved on. “Do you want to sit down by the pond?” she asked.
“I thought you were full enough to puke your guts all over the table?” I believe those were her exact words back at the house.
“Yeah, I’m good now. We’ve moved enough.”
We trekked up the hill to the little wooden bench. A heavier stickiness was creeping into the air with a vengeance, making it feel like I was stuck in an armpit. The skies were still pretty clear, but they were predicting major storms for the rest of the holiday weekend.
“Maybe I should go with you guys tonight if they don’t cancel them,” I said.
She gave me a sideways glance. “You already declined the invitation.”
“Yeah, but that was before….” Before Chase asked me to dinner. Before I told him I wasn’t going to the fireworks. Before Perry took it upon herself to play Little Miss Matchmaker.
She said it was fate when she’d noticed the team photo on her sister’s table. And just like that, Chase’s identity came barreling right at her. All she had to do was ask the name of Emily’s coach, and voila! Perry had her confirmation. She said everything fell into place so easily after that, it must prove it’s meant to be. According to her, it wasn’t digging if it landed in her lap.
What Perry called fate, I called meddling, and I must say, I was doing a stellar job restraining my urge to toss her into the pond.
I was stuck at the end of some cartoon, and I was the crazy character shaking their fist in the air and saying, ‘And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for those darn meddling kids.’
“Perry, just what the hell were you thinking? You could have at least warned me.”
“I only did it for you, Jills. Would you have gone if I told you who her coach was?”
“I would have still picked up Emily if you needed me to.” Perry had sworn up and down that she really was in an important meeting. Even if I didn’t like how the situation was handled, I still believed her.
“Yeah, but you wouldn’t have gotten out of the car. And you probably would have worn a babushka.”
I sighed, knowing she was right to some extent, but damn… these weren’t the kind of surprises I wanted hurled my way. If she had just left well enough alone, Chase and I might not have crossed paths again. But who even knew if that was correct either.
I flopped down on the bench, probably resembling an overcooked noodle. Between the humidity and my inner chaos, I was drained. I pulled out my phone and banged it against my bottom lip. “I’m going to cancel. I don’t know what I was thinking when I agreed anyway. He had me all flustered.”
“That sounds like a good thing to me.”
I shook my head. “It felt like a hormone-infested teenager had possessed my vocal cords and spoke for me.”
Perry stood in front of me, rolling her eyes, hands on her hips. “Just go on the damn date, Jills. You can always decide not to do a second one.”
“It’s not a date. It’s dinner.”
“Whatever.”
She sat down beside me and put her head on my shoulder, snatching my phone away. We watched the ducks for a while as I turned over everything in my mind. I couldn’t believe how much I struggled with something that should’ve been exciting and fun. If only I were fifteen years younger….
“Do you think I’m drawn to Chase because I miss Daniel?” Perry lifted her head and looked at me. “Because I just want someone to mother again?”
“Hmm, that depends…. When you see Chase, do you want to feed him milk and cookies, or do you want to screw his brains out?”
I dropped my head in my hands. “Oh, my God, Perry. I’m a cougar.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“I looked it up. I’m late thirties. There’s a fifteen year age difference…”
“I think the fact that you’re going into this kicking and screaming kinda negates the whole predatory requirement.”
I lifted my eyes to watch the clouds swirling above me. The blue still poked through, but the rain was coming. I could smell it. There was a pretty good chance the skies would be too hazy to shoot anything off tonight.
“I don’t understand why you’re acting like this. You’ve never had a problem with your age before. So what if you’re attracted to him? As long as he’s legal, it’s all good.”
No, she really didn’t understand, but my brother would. “You’re not going to mention any of this to Stephen, right?”
“Not if you don’t want me to. I don’t need him freaking out on you again for stupid shit.” It wasn’t stupid to me. I took my phone back and secured it in my hand. “And I know what you’re thinking,” she said, “but what your dad did wasn’t an age thing, it was an asshole thing. No offense.”
“None taken.”
Perry rose, then grabbed my hands and yanked me up. “We should start walking back. You need to get home and into something hot. Where’s he taking you, anyway? You never mentioned it.”
My gut twisted, spiraling up to my throat. “Dammit, Perry, it’s not a date.”
“Calm down. I didn’t say it was. Not this time.”
I studied the sharp edges of the grass as we headed back down the hill. It looked very… green. I decided to look for the turtle instead. It had to be around somewhere.
“Hey, I have an idea.” Perry stopped dead. “If it’ll put you more at ease and give it a less date-ish feel, why don’t you invite him over instead? Order some takeout and keep it casual.”
I gave her a double take. “Bring him into my house? Seriously?”
“Think about it. It would be douchey of you to cancel out at the last minute, right?”
“Unless I have a good reason and—”
“Yeah, but you don’t. And I know you like the guy, right?”
“Yes, but—”
“And I know you, Jills. You’re probably having some weird freak-out moment about someone seeing you two in public and thinking you’re on a real date.”
I didn’t bother speaking, just continued shuffling my feet down that hill. Yes, the possibility had occurred to me that we’d be mistaken for mother and son, but that wasn’t the only—
“This way you’re on home turf, and it takes away the pressure.”
Now she was interrupting my thoughts. I stopped and held up my hand. “Can I speak, please?” She nodded. “I don’t know him well enough to have him alone inside my house.” Her eyebrows lifted. “Sex doesn’t count.”
“Well, I trust Stu, and he says he’s a good guy. You don’t need to worry about getting hacked up into little pieces.”
“You told me Stu didn’t know him that well.”
She threw up her hands. “Fuck, you’re stubborn. Now you’re just making excuses.”
Was I? I didn’t think so. In fact, I thought my points were pretty valid. We resumed our walk, making it down to the road. “If I suggest he comes over instead of going out, he’s going to get the wrong idea.”
“So? Don’t you want to have sex with him again?”
“No!” Yes. Maybe.
>
“I’ll tell you what we’re gonna do. Invite him over so it’s just the two of you. Get to know him a little better with no outside influence. Keep it free to be. Let him know ahead of time that you have plans later tonight so there’s a limit to the fun. I’ll show up on your doorstep as soon as I get back home. If you know I’m coming there, you’ll have a better chance at keeping your horny teenager in check.”
“You’ll be with Stephen tonight.”
“As soon as the fireworks are over, I’ll come over alone. I’ll just tell your brother you have some hormonal emergency. At least I won’t be lying to him.”
The plan almost sounded… reasonable. “You swear?”
She smiled wide. “Cross my heart.”
Five hours later, I was squinting through my blinds as a black Ford pulled into my driveway. My heart started bouncing off the walls, so I backed away and paced around the room instead. A car door slammed. It would only be a matter of seconds now, a minute tops before my doorbell rang.
I stepped in front of one of the many fans I had blowing around the room and took a large dose to the face. Too bad there wasn’t a little hand that came out in times like these. I needed a good slap of sense.
I felt my cheeks; they were scorching hot and throbbing. Maybe I was coming down with something or maybe—
The door chime sent me to the ceiling because, of course, I wasn’t expecting that at all. Why should I allow some guy to get me so wired? Just because I wasn’t used to having scrambled eggs for brains, didn’t mean I had to act like it.
I opened the door, the bag in his arms serving as a temporary distraction. “Hi, Jillian.” Chase came inside. “Nice place. Where’s the kitchen?”
“Why do you have a grocery bag?” He smiled, hurling a new distraction at me. Why did the shade of his irises change all the damn time? Maybe I should be asking him that instead.
“I’m making dinner.”
I didn’t respond, so he turned and rounded the corner, taking it upon himself to find the kitchen. I assumed that was what he was doing since I was struck dumb. I quickly followed and… Don’t look, Jillian. Keep your eyes straight ahead. Do not look down.
Dammit. I looked at his ass, and he caught me. My face torched up again, and his lips curved as he set the bag on the counter. Why did he have to turn around at that very moment?
Great plan, Perry.
I took a deep breath and opened the fridge. No. As far as plans went, it was a halfway decent one. The problem wasn’t with Perry’s idea; it was with me. I just had to get back to that place when I thought he was gay. Free-flowing conversation with zero possibility of getting naked.
Easy-peasy.
I pulled out a couple beers and handed him one, knowing I’d better savor mine because it was the only one I was having. At least until Perry arrived.
All I had to do was open my mouth and expel some words. “Dinner?” See, that wasn’t so hard. Who cared if it was only a one-word sentence? It was a start.
“Fajitas okay?” Chase dipped his hand into the bag and pulled out a bag of peppers, plunking them next to my coffee maker. “You said you liked Mexican.”
“Yes, but”—I took a large guzzle from the bottle—“I thought we were going to order in.” At least that’s what I remembered talking about when I updated him on the change of plans. He’d been so accommodating when I’d mentioned it, but now things were veering off course.
He set down a glass container filled with liquid. “I want to cook instead. Does that bother you?” I shook my head. I needed to lighten up. The entire night wasn’t going to blow up in my face just because the dinner menu changed. We were still eating in. “Good. I started marinating these steaks right away. I usually like to give them overnight, but it’ll still work.”
I watched him unload the rest of the stuff as I took another deep sip, nearly finishing it. The alcohol pooled in my empty belly, and if I shimmied fast enough, I’d be able to hear it slosh.
“Let me pay for half of this.” I squatted down, pulled out a cast iron skillet from the lower cupboard, and showed it to him.
He nodded, taking it from me. “Naw, you’ve got the beer. It’s even.”
I doubted that. My entire counter was covered. “Then how can I help?” My stomach rumbled, and I stood up and finished off my beer, trying to quiet it down. I already felt looser. I had this night in the bag.
“You can cut up some veggies.”
“Done.” I brought out the cutting board, then carried over a plateful of red and yellow peppers to the sink. Sliding open the window, a strong breeze blew over my face, cooling me. At least the temperature had dropped to a comfortable degree. I could turn off the fans and open all the windows instead.
“Do anything special to celebrate the Fourth?” he asked.
I took the peppers back to the counter, placing them next to the onions. “It depends. Not sure about this year since they’re calling for storms all day, but I usually spend the holiday with family.”
I heard the sizzle of oil; then Chase sidled up beside me. Despite the strength of my pulse coinciding with the heavy chop of the knife, I was holding it together pretty damn well.
“I have a confession to make.”
My hand stilled for a moment before I resumed slicing. Fuck, this was it. He was going to tell me something horrendously disturbing, like that steak he was cooking up was really his ex-girlfriend or that he’d been a sixteen-year-old virgin until I made a man out of him. A shiver snaked up my spine. At least I was the one holding the knife.
“It wasn’t me who found your phone after practice. It was Hazel.”
Oh. I looked up at him. “So, you’re still twenty-three?”
He laughed. “Last time I checked.” My shoulders relaxed. Then I squashed my lips together. Since when was his age something to be relieved about?
“And you’re a well-adjusted member of society?” Unlike me, apparently.
“I believe so. They did let me out early for good behavior; that has to account for something.”
My mouth widened, and he winked. Humph. I went back to the vegetables, peeling the plastic off the mushroom container. “You said you found my phone, and that’s why I owed you one.”
“No, I said I kept it safe, and that’s why you owed me.”
“Well, if you truly believe you didn’t mislead me, then what you just told me is not really a confession, is it?”
He grasped my chin in his hand and tilted my head toward him. I dropped the knife in surprise; luckily, I didn’t slice off a finger. The near miss was soon forgotten as I got lost in a sea of green. And when his lips touched mine, everything else escaped me as well.
It ended much too quickly. The warmth continued flowing through me even after the connection was broken, and my head was left in a misty fog. I couldn’t fathom how such a gentle kiss could affect me so deeply.
“The next one will be up to you, Jillian.”
We spent the rest of the meal preparation in relative silence. I ran through the whole gamut of emotions: frustration, relief, happiness, irritation, searing arousal, frustration, frustration, frustration.
I took it out on the poor red onions, planning to eat the whole lot after I pulverized them, just so I wouldn’t be tempted to instigate that next kiss.
It was up to me, was it? This coming from the man who told me point blank that he wanted to fuck me. Who did fuck me, and thoroughly, as I fucked him right back. Who filled my body with an intense pleasure it hadn’t experienced in so long, if ever. I gritted my teeth; it was time to reel it back in.
Screw the one-beer limit.
We ate our fajitas on separate couches. Me, cross-legged with the plate on my lap and him, leaning over the living room coffee table. Keeping it casual. It wasn’t as if I was going to get all fancy and break out the china and candlelight.
It was probably the best meal I ever had.
“This is so delicious,” I said, wolfing it down. I wasn’t going to eat dainty l
ittle bites when it was this frickin’ good.
“It’s my specialty. Glad you like spicy.”
“Love it.” I took a swig of beer, which complemented the meal perfectly. I adored hot, spicy food, but Mike couldn’t stand it. I would have made something like this every night if he’d shared the same tastes as me.
“You have to give me the recipe.”
“It’s a secret.”
Hmm. I narrowed my eyes at him. The easy-going vibe was back between us now that we had some distance. I didn’t worry about drinking too much because I had a heap of food inside me, and I was definitely no lightweight.
The wind howled through the open windows, and I watched my tall oaks swaying back and forth. There was no doubt the fireworks would be canceled. Even if the rain held off, the cloud coverage was too thick.
“Ever lost a tree?”
I set my plate on the table and leaned my head back, fully satisfied. At least in my stomach. “No, I’ve been really lucky. The neighbors have, but so far in the sixteen years I’ve lived here, there have only been branches down. I must do a pretty good job taking care of things.”
Chase stood up and walked to the window. I was getting better; I didn’t even look. “You take care of this entire yard by yourself? I’m impressed.”
Yeah, it was a bitch, but I loved it. Two acres with mature trees made for a lot of yard work, especially in the fall. “Along with my business, it keeps me busy.” I paused when I noticed him staring at me. “It wasn’t always that way. I used to have help. I’m… divorced.”
“Better than being married.”
He didn’t even miss a beat. Part of me wanted him to react negatively, even though at my age it was assumed I’d have a past with some ratty old baggage thrown in. It’d be unrealistic to think he believed otherwise. But just like when I told him my age, he didn’t even flinch.
That bothered me for reasons I couldn’t even begin to figure out.
“And I was married for a long time, Chase. Seventeen years. Almost as long as you’ve been alive.” Still nothing. He looked like a damn statue. Sculpted marble. Would it hurt my teeth to sink into it? Another calming breath. “Do you understand what I’m saying? You’re the first one I’ve been with since my divorce. And I’ve never slept with someone so quickly before.”