Gray puts her hands on my shoulders and looks at me in the mirror. “See, now that’s the Meg I love. The one who doesn’t want to cause anyone else pain. Welcome back.”
Yeah, welcome back to being alone, because if I do this, I’ll lose both guys.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Now that things with Grayson are patched up, I have to do something about Noah. I have to tell him the truth. He deserves someone who will give him her full attention, her heart. And as much as I care about him, I just can’t do that right now.
Emma walks me to lunch, like the good babysitter she is. She brings me outside to the picnic tables. It’s getting cold out, but she hands me my jacket—I’ll have to have a talk with her about locker privacy later, if she’s still willing to talk to me after I set things straight with Noah—and says a quick “Have fun” before leaving us alone.
Noah has the table set for us. Oh crap. This isn’t happening. I think about how much time has passed since Ash and Liz went to the game. Today’s another anniversary. Noah’s and mine. Damn, damn, damn. Am I really breaking up with another guy on our anniversary?
He reaches for my hand and a huge smile spreads across his face. “Do you like it?”
My throat constricts. This is too hard. He’s such a good guy. “Noah, I—”
“Come sit. I got us lunch.” He brings me to the table, kissing my lips gently before I sit down.
“When did you do all this?”
“The meeting ended early, and since I knew Emma was taking care of you, I figured I had time to do this.”
Taking care of me? He means watching me. “Why did you think you needed to have Emma watch me? Is it because of Ash? Because he and Liz broke up?”
His jaw clenches. “You know about that?”
“Yes.” Great, now I feel guilty for bringing up Ash. This is supposed to be about Noah having me watched. How did he turn this around on me? I don’t want to fight with him. I don’t want to end things on bad terms. I really do care about him. I reach for his hand across the table. “You can’t control me, Noah. You shouldn’t want to. Ash breaking up with Liz doesn’t mean anything as far as I’m concerned. He and I are finished. I know that.” I’m not sure if I really believe it, but the words come tumbling out.
He gets up and moves onto the bench next to me. His eyes search mine like he’s looking for something. He presses his lips to mine in the softest kiss he’s ever given me. I recognize the look a few seconds too late. The words are already coming out of his mouth. “I love you, Meg.”
No. No, no, no, no. He can’t love me. It makes what I have to do so much harder. I’m going to break his heart. I can’t form words. I don’t know what to say at all, and the longer I sit here in silence the more his face falls.
“I get it. I’m not him.” He lets go of me, looking everywhere but my eyes. “I don’t want to be anyone’s second best, Meg.”
“Noah, I’m so sorry. It’s not like that, I swear. I like you. I really do. But I’m still in love with him. I don’t want to be. I want to be able to choose you. I do. But love doesn’t just go away. This is what I was trying to tell you Friday night. We got together too soon, before I had a chance to deal with my feelings for Ash.”
“I pushed you. I shouldn’t have gone after a girl who was involved with someone else. It’s my own damn fault.” He’s not looking to punch anything this time. He’s hurt.
“No.” I reach for him, but stop. Maybe he doesn’t want me touching him right now, or anymore. “I think we just met at the wrong time. There’s obviously something between us, but the timing is wrong.”
“So what, we plan to meet up in a few years when Ash is out of your system?”
“Noah.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. This just…sucks, you know?” He runs both hands through his hair and stares down at the table, at the meal he planned for us on our anniversary.
“I had a crush on you for two years and you never even looked my way. That sucked for me. All I wanted was a chance with you.”
He nods. “And now that’s all I want and you’re still into someone else. I guess we’re even.”
“It’s not payback or some game. It’s just how life is sometimes. You don’t always get what you want, when you want it.”
“I still think I got the shitty end of the stick. You had a crush on me based on superficial crap. I got to know you and fell in love with you.”
I can’t argue with him. “I hate this. I hate that I’m hurting you.”
He shakes his head. “It’s not your fault. You can’t control who you love. Besides, you don’t have much better luck. The guy you love is into someone else.”
Ash is in love with Liz? No. He can’t be. He broke up with her. He wouldn’t have done that if he loved her, would he? Maybe. I did it to him. Maybe Noah and I are both in the same situation. Maybe that’s why we met. Or maybe I’m looking for explanations when there aren’t any.
“What do we do now?” I ask.
Noah stands up. “Please don’t ask me if we can be friends. I can’t handle that right now. I’m trying to be understanding, but—”
“I know.” I don’t want to lose him from my life completely, but I can’t ask him to accept my feelings for Ash and wait for me to get over this.
Noah lets out a deep breath. “Good luck in States.” That’s his way of letting me know I’m on my own. He won’t be there. As of this moment, we’re officially done.
I nod and watch him walk away. It seems like people are leaving my life left and right. Luckily, I got Grayson back today. There’s one good thing among all the bad. I get up, ready to go find her, but she’s already coming out to meet me.
“Emma told me,” she says, holding her arms out. I walk into them, and she hugs me as I cry on her shoulder. For once I’m grateful for Emma’s lurking. She sent Grayson to comfort me. I’ll have to thank her later, if she’ll even talk to me.
***
The week passes in a blur. People murmur about me and Noah. I even hear some gossip about how I dumped Noah because Ash became available. That one I hate. It’s not true at all. I couldn’t hurt Noah by staying with him. He loves me, and I’m still in love with Ash. That’s not fair to him, but no one seems to want to hear my side of the story. They’d rather make up their own versions of the truth.
I don’t even attempt to talk to Ash. If I did, it would only make it look like the rumors are true. Noah seems okay most of the time. He’s still himself. The only time I see him falter is when he accidentally meets my eyes in the hallway. He turns away quickly, and it feels a lot like two years ago when he didn’t even acknowledge my existence. I know he’s upset and he needs to work through this in his own way. I can’t deny him that, no matter how guilty I feel, so I give him his space.
Grayson assumes her role as my best friend as if we never lost any time together. She’s amazing. She walks with me to our classes, sits with me at lunch, and scans the halls to try to cut down on my contact with Noah and Ash. I try to repay the favor by spending extra time practicing with her for States. She’s really improved during the season and I’m about to tell her that when the football team comes jogging down to the courts.
“What are they doing?” Grayson asks, looking at them.
Ash is leading the group. I turn away, unable to look at him. Every time I see him, my body aches like I have the flu. I think of how perfect he and I used to be together. How much we loved each other, and I feel myself breaking all over again.
“You want to go?” Gray asks, joining me on my side of the court.
“No. I’m fine.”
“Meg, it’s me. You don’t have to put on a brave face and pretend you’re okay with this. You’re hurting and you’re allowed to.”
I hear their footsteps pounding along the grassy hill. “No, I’m not. I caused all this.”
“Noah caused all this.”
I meet her eyes. “Why do you hate him so much? He’s actually really swe
et. He told me he loves me.”
Grayson shakes her head. “Maybe he does, but he came after you while you were with Ash, and I’m sorry, but in my opinion, that makes him a jerk. He knew you had a crush on him before. He’s not as innocent as you think.”
“It doesn’t matter. I ended up hurting him. Just like I hurt Ash. I can’t believe I thought he cheated on me with Liz. How could I jump to that conclusion?”
“One word: Derrick. You never got over what he did and you thought Ash was doing the same thing.”
Great, now Grayson is defending all the things I did wrong. Just a week ago she yelled at me for these exact things. Now she’s being protective, or maybe she really does understand how I saw things—my warped view of what I thought was happening.
“I wish I could go back.”
“You want Ash back that badly?”
I swallow the tears that are threatening to close my throat. “It’s killing me to be away from him, Gray. I feel like part of me died when we broke up. That’s why Noah and I didn’t work. I wasn’t fully in the relationship. I want to be myself again. To feel whole.”
“You don’t need a guy to feel whole.”
“I know that, but—”
“You love him.” Her tone softens.
I nod.
“So what are you going to do?” She fidgets with the strings on her racket, waiting for me to come up with a brilliant plan to fix my life.
“I don’t know. Ash is probably over me. He dated Liz.”
“Yeah, but they broke up. He ended it. That could mean something.”
“That he figured out she’s a total slut?” It sort of slips out. The truth can be like that.
Gray laughs. “Possibly. Or he figured out he couldn’t get over you by being with her.”
God, how I wish that were true. “Don’t you think he would’ve tried to talk to me if he felt that way? He knows I’m not with Noah anymore.”
“Maybe he’s giving you time. You and Noah only broke up a few days ago. Ash isn’t the rebound guy type.”
“He can’t be the rebound guy. I was with him first.”
“You know,” a small smile creeps across Grayson’s face, “Ash was leading the football team on their run. Maybe he came down to the courts for a reason.”
“You think he was looking for me?”
She shrugs. “He could’ve been. You never know.”
“I can’t go throwing myself at him and begging him to take me back based on a ‘you never know’. I need some sort of proof that he might still have feelings for me. That he might want to give us another try.”
“Try talking to him. If he walks away, you know he’s not interested. But if he talks to you…”
It’s not a bad plan, but I don’t know if I’m up for it. “If he shoots me down, I won’t be able to handle it.” I can’t go through the pain of losing him twice.
“I won’t let you fall apart, Meg. Don’t you think you owe it to yourself and to Ash to find out for sure if it’s over? If you don’t do this, you’ll kick yourself later.”
I’ll do more than kick myself, but still, this seems impossible. “I’m not sure.”
“Okay, then let’s leave it up to fate.”
“Fate?”
“Well, the tennis gods then.” Gray puts her racket head on the ground and holds the grip in her hand. “If the racket lands face up, you talk to Ash. If it lands face down, you leave the past in the past.”
Why not? “Spin.”
She spins the racket and steps back, making sure she doesn’t interfere with how it lands. It clatters to the ground.
Grayson smiles. “Looks like you’re talking to Ash.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
I have no idea how to approach Ash, so Gray convinces me to go to the football game. It’s almost too painful. The season is a bust. The team only won three games, despite Ash’s awesome arm. He’s lucky that colleges notice him at all. It’s really not his fault, though. His receivers can’t seem to hold on to the ball in the end zone after they catch it. Still, Ash’s stats are good as far as yardage and completions. It’s only touchdown passes that are awful. And the fact that I know all this even though Ash and I are broken up is more evidence of my extreme pathetic-ness.
Gray drives me to the game because she knows I’ll chicken out if I’m behind the wheel. She’s not giving me the opportunity to screw this up. It’s kind of funny how she went from being jealous of my relationship with Ash to trying to help me patch it up. Just another reason why I love her.
We take seats in the first row of the bleachers. Gray wants to make sure Ash will see me, but I’d rather hide under the bleachers right about now. I scan the crowd, looking for Liz. She’s been sulking and following Ash around all week. I’m sure she’ll show up today. I spot her in the top row. Even in the cooler weather, she’s still barely wearing clothes. I’m sure she’s wishing she made the varsity cheerleading team so she could be closer to the field…and Ash. She’s really not that good of a cheerleader, though. She fits the profile, but has no real athletic ability.
“Ignore her.” Grayson tugs my arm, forcing me to turn my eyes back to the field. Ash is throwing passes to Jackson. My heart skips when I see him.
“Maybe this isn’t a good idea. I’m not ready to be around him right now.”
Gray isn’t fooled. She hears what I’m really saying. I’m not ready to be rejected by him. “Do you want to spend the rest of senior year wondering if you could’ve fixed things?”
No. What I really want to do is hop the fence, run onto the field, and throw myself into his arms. I want him to kiss me and tell me to forget about us breaking up. I want him. Grayson’s right. I have to do this. If I don’t, I’ll lose him forever. I give her a weak smile.
She wraps her arm around me. “That’s my girl.”
“Gray, thanks again.”
“No problem. You’d do the same for me.”
“I would. I’m sorry I let this mess come between us. It won’t happen again.”
“I know.” She puts her arm down and nudges me with her shoulder. “Someone’s looking this way.”
Ash is at the water cooler. His helmet is off, and he’s scanning the bleachers. He finds Liz first, but his eyes don’t linger on her. They lower until they reach me. We stare at each other, both frozen in place.
Oh, God! I can’t do this. What was I thinking? He doesn’t want to get back together. I hurt him. He wants to forget about me.
Ash looks away and starts to turn back to the field, but then he stops. He glances at me again, not long, but he definitely gives me a second glance.
Grayson leans in and whispers, “Second glance, second chance. What do you think?”
Could she be right? Could Ash be wondering if we still have a shot together? There’s only one way to find out. I can’t approach him before the game. That would throw him off, and I don’t want to ruin his season stats. I have to wait this out and talk to him after the game is over.
Ash falters a bit at the start. He’s distracted, and I wonder if having Liz and me here is contributing to that. By halftime, he gets his head together and starts playing like he usually does. He makes an amazing pass downfield to Jackson, who actually holds on to the ball and scores a touchdown. I jump out of my seat and cheer for Ash. Luckily, Grayson does the same. Otherwise, I’d feel like such a stalker right now. She hugs me and squeals in my ear. I look over my shoulder and see Liz cheering, too. Long after the rest of the crowd quiets down, Liz is still screaming, “Yeah, Ash! Great job!”
He looks up at her for a moment, but with his helmet on, I can’t tell if he’s smiling. He tilts his head in my direction before he takes his spot on the bench.
“What was that?” I ask Gray. “Did you see anything? A smile, anything?”
“No. Why isn’t he taking his helmet off?” Grayson shifts on the bleachers, trying to see Ash around the players getting water. “The game’s almost over. Why is he just sitting there?”
“How do you know? He’s looked at you more than once.”
“Yeah, well he’s looked at Liz, too.”
Grayson takes my hand in hers. “Meg, I love you, but I’m not going to watch you go back to being a shell of yourself. You have to at least try. Tell him how you feel and let him decide from there. If it’s over, it’s over. You’re no worse off than you are now.”
Not true. “If I pour my heart out to him now, after everything, and he rejects me…” I shake my head, tears welling up in my eyes. “I’m not strong enough to handle that.”
Grayson stands up, looking at me like she’s never been more disappointed. There’s no evidence of my best friend anywhere. “Not strong enough?” She grabs my hand and pulls me across our row of bleachers and up to the right. I see Derrick, the one she’s bringing me to.
“Gray, no!” I try to pull away, but she has a death grip on my wrist.
“Yes! I’m sick of this. He has nothing on you.” She stops and turns so her face is in mine. “You’re letting him control you. End it. Now. Tell him what an ass he was. How he missed out on the amazing girl you are. Move past this. He doesn’t deserve to make you feel this bad.”
Derrick isn’t even aware of us standing six feet away from him. He’s oblivious. I’m nothing to him. I never was. I squint at him, hating him. But he doesn’t even deserve to be hated. That’s still caring too much about him. I’m nothing to him, and he should be the same to me.
I meet Grayson’s eyes. “Thanks, but I don’t want to talk to him.”
She shakes her head. “Meg—”
“No. It’s not what you think. He doesn’t deserve to hear what I have to say. He doesn’t deserve a single thought on my part. I’m done. Really done. He did miss out. It’s his loss. Not mine.” I mean it. I’m finally letting go of the hurt because Derrick isn’t worth it.
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