Frank and John left them to their grief and good byes. John drove Frank home and the pile of wood in the front yard was all left and forgotten. Frank immediately packed, placed a note on the office door saying closed, but would re-open as soon as possible. He signed it apologetically. He couldn’t think about what this might do for business. What would happen if word got out that his mistake killed a patient? He needed to leave. John drove him to the train station where he would stay as long as needed to catch the next train east out of town.
CHAPTER 17
As the days drew on, Ma weakened. Doc was coming daily now to check on her. He explained what they should expect over the next several days. No one knew for certain how long it would take. It all depended on how much of a fight she had left in her.
Allie absorbed the information and carried on as if losing a ma was a daily occurrence. Just another day: sweeping the floor, prepping the meals, changing soiled sheets, spoon feeding and holding a cup to Ma’s mouth so she could drink because she was too weak to do it herself. All became normal everyday activities, but they weren’t normal. Inside she was screaming, but outside she held herself together. She had no other choice.
Her Pa tuned out most everything. He refused to listen. He spent his days either laying with Ma talking about the past or outside doing anything and everything to not think about the inevitable.
Drew was still withdrawn, and Allie had no idea how to bring him out of it. She worried more about what would happen with her brother afterwards. She wasn’t certain if Pa wanted to stay here or if he could continue with Drew’s care by himself. She hoped that Ma and Pa talked about that when he was with her.
Allie’s mind kept wandering to the days ahead. Each time she would take a breath, shake her head, and bring herself back to the present. She needed to stay in this moment. The whole of the situation was too big to deal with at once. Taking each day as it came was the only way to stay focused and be able to handle everything as it came.
She longed to go to her spot, the creek, where she could wash her troubles away for a while. The creek was always there for her to do just that when she needed it. She knew this might just be too big for the creek to give her any rest. There was too much work to do for her to take any time out, so she just pushed on.
Blinne checked on Allie every day. She looked forward to her visit. For a brief moment, she could count on a change of subject. Ma was always present in their minds, but they could focus on something trivial for a few minutes.
Lena came some of the time. That little girl was a bright spot to everyone’s day. Allie would set her next to Ma and Ma’s eyes would sparkle, if only briefly, like a little bit of life would find its way back in them.
While Allie was happy to see those moments, it also brought sadness. Allie would never be able to see her ma interact with her child. Ma wouldn’t know any potential future grandchildren. Then she would circle back to the possibility of never having children. She would never tell Blinne the battle of emotions that fought within her when Lena was around. That little girl was precious, and the pain it caused was Allie’s cross to bear. She just hoped someday she could move past all of it and find happier times again.
The front door seemed to not stay closed for long. Someone was either entering or exiting. Allie let them all go in to see Ma now. Most of the time Ma was asleep and didn’t know they were there. They all brought things, food mostly. Ma couldn’t eat it and the rest of them usually were not hungry. The food sat and went to waste. People felt like they were being helpful, so she didn’t say anything except thank you.
No one stayed long. Allie stayed out of the room when a visitor was there and wasn’t sure if they spoke to her sleeping Ma or just stood there and stared at her. She assumed a little of both depending on the person. Crying was a constant for many who visited with Ma. Allie refused to allow herself to cry. She had to stay strong to keep the family going. If she broke down now she wasn’t sure she could pull herself back up. That would have to wait until after.
This afternoon brought many visitors Allie had known her whole life, including Mrs. Wimble and her daughter Gladys, who was a school mate of Allie’s. Gladys and her mother were noted for being the town gossips, but Gladys had seemed to have a change of heart and had turned her life around.
Mrs. Wimble desperately wanted Gladys and Frank to make a match, but after a strong pursuit in the end, it seemed that just wasn’t what Gladys wanted all along. She was trying to please her mother and after a while decided to stop and do what she wanted to do. Mrs. Wimble went in to Ma’s room and Gladys sat at the table with Allie catching up.
“How are you holding up, Allie?” Gladys looked a bit nervous and was biting her lip.
Allie put on a sad, but reassuring smile.
“I’m all right. Ma is still fairly young, but Doc tells us that cancer knows no age. Everyone must die at some point, whether we are ready for it or not. It’s sad. I’m going to miss her, but I don’t want to see her hurting anymore.”
“I completely understand that. Is there something I can do?” She was fidgeting with her hands.
Allie placed a hand on top of Gladys’.
“No, thank you. Your offer is very kind.” Wanting to shift the conversation, Allie paused. “How are you? Any special someone?” Allie was sure when she gave up on Frank so fast last year someone else must have been in her sights.
“No, no one special,” Gladys smiled. “I know my abrupt change last year left everyone to speculate what I was contemplating next, but I couldn’t say anything until I knew for sure it would happen.”
Allie was curious now. She was so sure there was someone else. If not someone then what? Allie stayed quiet and listened as Gladys continued.
“I’m going to become a teacher,” she blurted with a wide smile on her face.
Allie put her hand on her chest.
“Oh, Gladys! I’m so happy for you. How exciting. Have you already started?”
“Not yet. I have exams to pass, which I am studying for. If I pass I will have a two year certificate for rural teaching. Papa is so happy for me. Mother thinks I’m losing my mind. She doesn’t want her daughter working for a living. To her you are only successful if you have married a successful man,” Gladys rolled her eyes.
Allie covered a chuckle.
“This is all so wonderful. I truly am happy for you. I wish you the best.”
Mrs. Wimble stepped out of the room.
“Thank you, Allie, for allowing me to spend some time with her. Gladys are you ready?”
Gladys stood and rolled her eyes to Allie.
“Yes mother.”
Allie stifled another chuckle.
“Thank you for stopping in. I understand Gladys is working towards becoming a teacher. That is exciting news.”
Mrs. Wimble failed to hide the disgust in her voice.
“Yes, I suppose it is. Come along, dear. We must be on our way.”
Gladys looked back and gave Allie a brilliant smile. Allie pushed in the chairs at the table and went about her day. Having friends stop in brightened her mood briefly. After they left it went straight back to a heavy gloom that hung like fog in every room.
Even though she knew why Frank needed to stay in Wiley City, she wished he’d come with her. His support would have been helpful. There was nothing that could be done for her Ma that Doc wasn’t already doing, but Frank standing next to her, being someone for her to lean on would have helped her greatly. One thing she could focus on that helped her was when this was over and she could go home. She felt selfish for thinking that way, but she knew that would be when she could process everything and be free to let her emotions overtake her when they wanted to.
Allie wasn’t sure if Pa would be ready when the time came for her to leave. She knew Drew would never be ready. Allie would need to separate herself from here to be able to breathe again. She couldn’t begin to heal until she was gone. Holding in her feelings, especially around Pa and Drew, was ti
ring, but she didn’t know what else to do. There had never been a time before that she couldn’t get through to Drew. She always found a way to put a smile back on his face. Now she didn’t know if she would ever see him smile again.
With Pa withdrawing more each day, she wasn’t sure if he had any kind of a plan for the future, let alone a solid one. That worried her. She wasn’t sure she could handle making all the arrangements by herself after her Ma passed, nor figure out what was to happen to Drew.
Allie would have to talk with Frank before she could take him home with her. Maybe Pa had been planning to keep him here with him. Or maybe Pa was thinking of moving. Wiley City was so welcoming and still had room to spare. He could move to be closer to her and Frank.
That would be work and she wasn’t sure if he was up to doing that. Not knowing what he was thinking, or planning, meant she couldn’t plan for herself. The future remained unknown and despite working hard to learn to lean on God and let Him lead her life, applying that was still a struggle. She hoped one day that would come easily, but for now it was a conscious effort she had to make daily.
CHAPTER 18
Frank was sore from the train ride. It felt good to stretch his legs on his walk to Allie’s parent’s farm. His parent’s would have to wait to see him. Allie was first. He knew the path there by heart. He had walked it countless times growing up. He stepped through the door, not needing to knock anymore, Allie froze.
He opened his arms and Allie ran into them. They stayed that way for a while until he took his hands and cupped her face to look into her eyes welling with tears. He gave her a soft smile and released her. He noticed how tired she looked and saw by the dark circles under her eyes she wasn’t getting much rest.
“What are you doing here?” She questioned gratefully, still surprised to see him.
“Allie, I’m so sorry I didn’t come with you. I should have been here. You need me and I wasn’t thinking clearly.” He kissed her. “Come on.”
Frank walked her through the door and around the side of the house putting his hand on her back and gave her a gentle shove towards the creek. She looked back over her shoulder once, but didn’t need much convincing to continue on. He watched her walk down the slope to the creek’s edge. He longed to go with her, but knew she needed some alone time. He decided he would check on Ma first and then meet up with Allie at the creek.
Ma was a slight lump in the bed. She was always a thin woman, but the cancer ate so much of her that she looked tiny. Her breathing was ragged and sporadic. Death was upon her and he was thankful he arrived before it was too late. Why he didn’t come with Allie he would never know. This is what was important... what mattered. His heart was trying to tell him, but his brain refused to listen until he made a devastatingly huge mistake. He could never go back and do that again, but from here forward he vowed to listen more to his heart than he did in the past.
Frank checked Ma over as she slept, doing everything he was sure Doc had done numerous times already. There was nothing he could do for her, but wait. For Allie there was much to be done. He left and headed to the creek. Allie was in the water in nothing but her undergarments. She was laying propped up with her head on a rock. It didn’t look comfortable, but he didn’t think she was feeling anything anyway. He sat on the edge and watched her for a while. When she shifted positions he quietly spoke.
“Hey sweetheart.”
Allie sat up and turned towards him.
“Hi,” her reply so soft it was almost unheard.
She stood and waded over to him and sat down beside him. Ever since they were little, they had a tradition involving a penny. Anytime she seemed to be deep in thought Frank would pull out a penny and give it to her for her thoughts. She would take it and share. Then he’d give her advice to help her out. The penny would then be handed back as payment for the words of wisdom.
Frank pulled out a penny, placed it on his palm, and held it out for her without saying anything this time. Allie looked at the penny and sighed. She fell against him letting him take her weight, the penny left in his hand. He put it away and wrapped her up in his arms. He held her until she pulled away first.
“Did you see Ma?” She asked, staring down at the water.
“I did.”
“Pa is around here somewhere. He’s keeping busy. Drew is probably in his room. He hasn’t said more than two words to me since I tried to talk to him several days ago. I don’t know if he fully understands. He knows Ma is dying, but he implied that it was because I was here. Something about me doing Ma’s work so she didn’t have anything to do.”
Frank knew Allie needed him. He didn’t realize that the others might as well.
“I’ll find Pa and see if I can help him. I can try with Drew, but I’m afraid you were always the one who could get through to him.”
“Thanks, and I know. I just don’t know how to proceed with him.”
“Well, I’m here now. How about we proceed together?” He touched his forehead to hers.
Allie embraced him and let him help her to her feet. She dressed, and they made their way back to the house to deal with these issues head on together.
Frank started with Drew first. He didn’t think he’d get very far with him, but he would try. Drew was in his room right where Allie said he spent most of his hours these days. He was standing looking out the window. Frank stood next to him, but Drew wouldn’t even acknowledge that he was there.
“Hi, Drew. How are you? Do you need anything?”
He might as well have been talking to a statue. Frank stood there and looked out the window as well. He could see Pa out by the barn. He was getting nowhere with Drew. Hopefully talking with Pa would be more successful.
Frank checked in on Allie before he headed outside. She was washing up some dishes and putting names on little pieces of paper to go with them. That way they could be returned to the rightful owners the next time she saw them. He knew people were only trying to be helpful. Sometimes being helpful meant making more work for the person. He left her there and went to find Pa. Afterwards, he would be back working side by side with her.
Pa was beside the barn. He was fiddling with the plow. It looked like he had hit a rock or something hard at some point. There was a dent in the metal blade.
“Hi, Pa.”
“Frank! Well, hello. How are you doing?” He shook his hand and gave a hug with a pat on the back with his free hand.
“I’m doing all right.” Frank pointed down at the blade. “You hit a rock?”
Pa tugged on his beard.
“Sure did. I was plowing a new field. Already put in the rest, but thought I’d break some more ground. Open it up and plow a few times this year. Get started for next year’s planting.”
Frank hesitated wondering why he wanted to plow up more land.
“Do you need more field to plant?”
Pa chuckled.
“Well, son, a farmer always expands. Have to keep growing.”
“Sir, I understand generally yes, but do YOU.” Frank looked directly at him with his eyebrows up. “Need more field?”
Pa sighed.
“I don’t mean to upset you, Pa, but your family might be needing more time than your fields right now.”
Pa turned his back on Frank and sniffed.
“Frank, I’m doing the best I can right now. Okay?”
It wasn’t a question. Frank knew that. It was a warning. All it did was anger Frank. It wasn’t okay. It would never be okay. He’d hurt Allie enough as it was. She didn’t need this from her Pa, too. Drew needed him. Ma needed him. He needed to pull himself together and act like the head of this household like he normally did.
Frank told Pa just that and waited for the heated return he expected. Instead he got silence. Pa’s shoulders were shaking. Pa was crying. Frank stood still and let him cry for a bit. He suspected this might be the first time he was letting himself feel. Or maybe he was staying outside away from everyone, so he could do this in private.
“Pa?” He placed his hand on his shoulder. “They need you. Especially Drew. Allie is strong. She’ll get through this and I’ll be right there to help her in every way I can. Ma is at the stage where she doesn’t really know what’s going on anymore. But Drew, he’s not ok.”
“I know that!” He yelled out and turned to Frank. “I don’t know what to do for Drew. I’m at a loss.”
Frank could understand that. It was hard to know what was running through Drew’s head when all was well. He was a mystery to him.
“Maybe if he saw feelings. If you just showed him how to work through all this. I think he’s confused, scared maybe. He needs to be taught how to deal with his confusion. Just being there with him might be all he needs.”
Pa thought about that a bit.
“It’s just so hard, but maybe I’ll give it a shot and see if it helps.”
“Sure. And I’ll talk with Doc. If Drew gets out of control once he starts letting his emotions run I’ll have something ready to help calm him down.”
Frank didn’t like having to take that precaution, but Drew was a grown man with a child’s mind. He could cause some serious damage if he wanted to.
“Thanks, Frank. Thanks for coming. Being here. This is harder than anything I’ve done. I always knew it would be hard when one of us went. When you’ve been with someone most of your life and then suddenly they are gone, you are at a loss for how to continue moving on. I didn’t know just how hard though. No one can really know until it’s staring you down.”
“No problem, sir. I’m sorry all this is happening, but glad I ended up coming. Sorry it took so long.”
Frank wrapped his arm over Pa’s shoulder and together they walked back to the house. Pa’s first step forward was talking to Drew. Frank returned to help Allie.
CHAPTER 19
Allie hadn’t realized just how tired she was until Frank showed up. She felt like she could breathe again. Getting to spend some time at the creek nourished her soul. After Frank came in from talking with Pa, he kicked her out of the kitchen and sent her to bed. She protested at first of course, but knew he was right. She hadn’t slept well since she’d arrived. There was just too much to do.
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