by Jenna Jacob
“True. But I don’t know where or when to draw the line? I mean…there’s a part inside me that craves to hand over everything, but at the same time, I have no desire to lose my identity in the process. Submission is such a paradox to me. I was raised to be independent and headstrong, which I am…outside the club. Then there’s another part of me that wants to wrap up the liberated, stubborn pieces of myself into a big ball and hand them to a worthy Dominant.” A scowl wrinkled her forehead. “It sounds stupid now, but when I was with Kerr, I thought I’d found the elusive peace I’d been searching for.”
“That’s not stupid. I’m sure you achieved a level of subspace through all his bullshit. But trust me. There’s a whole lot more out there waiting for you to experience.”
“I believe you, but when I found out everything he’d led me to believe was a lie, I wanted to throw my dreams of submission away.”
“Don’t do that. You’ll only be cutting off your nose to spite your face.”
“I won’t.” Kellan watched her cheeks glow crimson. “Sorry about that. I don’t know how I went from Mary Jo to submission.”
“No. Don’t ever apologize for asking questions or trying to sort your feelings,” Kellan softly stated.
If he could take her under his Dominant wing, he’d not only answer all her questions but also set her free to sail higher and farther than she could imagine.
But he couldn’t.
The temptation of her was too great. Kellan knew himself too well. He’d never be able to keep his hands and mouth off her smooth, pale flesh or keep from plundering her ripe lips. He couldn’t deny his tongue and cock the pleasure of her sweet pussy and lush ass.
Fuck, even now he wanted to reach out and take her hand…assure her that he’d lead her down that path of submission she yearned for. Instead, Kellan clutched the steering wheel as he’d done earlier when her vibrant laughter nearly sent him up in flames.
“There isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer for you, angel. You have to decide what you want from your submission.”
“I know what I want…I want to find a real Dom who’ll teach me the correct ways of the lifestyle, not some made-up bullshit just so he can get his rocks off. Why don’t you teach me? I’d work really hard to please and never disappoint you.”
Mercy slapped a hand over her mouth, clearly horrified by her request.
Before Kellan could swallow the lump of fear clogging his throat, she lifted the hand from her face and held up her open palm. “Don’t answer that. I’m such a… I had no right to put you on the spot like that. Please…forget I said anything. I’m sorry, that was way out of line.”
His heart drummed wildly and dread hummed so loudly in his ears he’d barely heard her apology. Feeling as if he’d been punched in the gut, Kellan struggled to fill his lungs—that now seemed weighed in concrete—and nearly missed his turnoff. Hitting the brakes, he whipped the steering wheel to the right and took the exit ramp like a race car driver. By the time he’d coasted to the stoplight, Kellan’s heart was still racing, but he’d at least managed to suck in a deep breath.
Mercy was wearing a mortified expression that cut his conscience like a knife.
“I’d love to teach you if I could, angel, but I can’t. If you’d like, I’ll talk to Mika and see if he can match you up with a Dom who’s looking to take on a new sub.”
“No. I appreciate your offer, but I don’t think I’m ready for a full-time Master.”
Thank fuck!
“I didn’t mean for such a ridiculous request to fall out of my mouth in the first place,” she continued nervously. “It must be the stress of the day or—”
“Mercy,” he interrupted. “It wasn’t ridiculous. If there was a way I could help teach you, I would. Start attending the sub meetings. You’ll find your Master in no time.”
It just won’t be me.
“I’ll try. The dealership was supposed to drop my car off at my apartment today, so I should have wheels to get to the meeting in the morning.”
“If not, let me know. Mika and Julianna, er, rather, Emerald live nearby as well. I’m sure they’d be happy to give you a ride.”
Pussy! You should take her to the meeting.
He couldn’t, and the taunting voice in his head knew why…why he couldn’t fill her with false hope…why he had to distance himself from the sassy and hungry submissive.
After Kellan entered Elmhurst Lake’s complex, Mercy directed him to her apartment. She even pointed out her blue Camry parked under a covered carport.
“Would you like me to walk you in?”
“No. I’m good.” She dismissed his offer with a wave of her hand. “Thank you…for everything Kellan, er, Sir.”
He couldn’t help but smile as she stumbled over her words. “It was my pleasure. If you see Kerr, shoot first, then call the police, understood?”
Her lips curled in a wide smile as she climbed from the car. “I will. Thanks again.”
He couldn’t help but admire the sexy sway of her hips or the ruby-red shocks of color glistening from the sunlight in her hair as she walked away. Kellan wanted to bolt from the car and follow her into her apartment and show her all the reasons he was the perfect Dominant for her. When Mercy disappeared behind the white door, a wave of guilt sliced him. He mentally began listing off all the reasons he couldn’t live out his dreams with her. When Kellan turned out of Mercy’s complex, he left behind the fleeting hope of living again.
Glancing at his watch, he mumbled a curse. He was late. Speeding down the street, he turned and ate up the next four blocks quickly. Sadness filled his veins while a boulder of guilt and shame pressed down on his chest. He whipped the sports car beneath the shade of a huge Japanese red maple in the lot of Lake Home Village, cut the engine, and slowly climbed from the car.
At the entrance to the facility, he keyed the code into the touchpad, and waited for the grating buzzer to hum before opening the door. When the receptionist raised her head, Kellan sent her a tight smile as the scent of alcohol and cleaning solvents assaulted his senses.
Forcing his feet down the familiar industrial tiled hall, he paused at the doorway. He bit back the usual howl of anguish clawing the back of his throat as he gazed at the blonde woman sitting in bed, absently staring off into space.
Leena Graham, his wife of twenty-five years, didn’t know he’d entered the room…didn’t know who he was anymore…didn’t know who or where she was, for that matter. Her eyes were fixed on the wall, like always. Kellan would give his dying breath if just once, his vivacious wife—the love of his life—would turn and hit him with that megawatt smile that had knocked him off his feet so long ago.
She didn’t…and sadly, she never would.
He struggled to tamp down an onslaught of heartache. Kellan didn’t know why now—after five long years—this magnitude of sadness and melancholy had slammed through him. He felt raw and overexposed.
You didn’t stop and welcome the rage before you came inside.
No, he hadn’t.
Kellan hadn’t centered himself with the usual scalding anger and resentment toward the drunk driver who’d stolen Leena’s mind and soul when he’d plowed her down in a crosswalk. He took little comfort that the animal responsible for decimating his whole world now sat in a prison cell. In Kellan’s eyes, justice had not been served, and never would be. The fact that the cocksucker could still talk and laugh with his loved ones filled Kellan with fury. Life was not fair—a fact he knew well. After all, he lived it daily with piercing bouts of anguish and a catatonic wife who couldn’t remember a single day of the love and happiness they’d once shared.
The dazzling light of his Leena’s life force had been carelessly extinguished.
Kellan would never see her smile at all the silly things he said.
Never feel her loving arms wrapped around him at the end of the day.
Never taste her soft, passionate kisses.
Never hear her whimper and moan as they poured thei
r love into one another in bed.
Never be able to grow old, side by side.
All he had left were memories and photographs, and endless empty nights.
All Leena had left was an eternity of staring into the blank canvas of oblivion.
Kellan swallowed his misery and inwardly told himself to buck up. He’d wrangle his demons later. Now he needed to savor the precious moments he could spend with his wife.
Striding to the side of Leena’s bed, he bent and kissed her cheek. He couldn’t help but peer up at her face, holding on to the hope that one day she might respond to his loving gesture…but she didn’t. Kellan exhaled as he sat down in the chair beside her bed and gently threaded his fingers through his wife’s slender hand. With the pad of his thumb, he caressed her wrist, remembering the heated gaze that lit up her eyes when he’d stroke that sensitive spot.
Fuck!
He was drowning in the same inky dark abyss he’d spent years dragging himself out of. No amount of sorrow or tears would bring Leena back to him—a lesson he’d learned years ago.
“How’s my gorgeous girl doing today?” Though Leena never answered, Kellan asked her the same question on each visit, without fail. “Guess what? On the way to work this morning, I heard those songs you bribed me to dance with you to at our senior prom. You remember, don’t you? That song by Janet Jackson, ‘Miss You Much’, and Richard Marx’s ‘Right Here Waiting’?”
Kellan’s throat closed up. He could almost feel her body pressed against his as they slow danced to the latter romantic tune.
He tenderly brushed his knuckles down Leena’s cheek.
“I’m still right here waiting for you, love. I always will be.” His voice cracked.
Blinking back tears, Kellan sucked in a ragged breath.
“I’m sorry, baby. I’m having a rough one without you today.”
Because I think I’m falling in love with someone else. I can’t have you both, I know. I have to find a way to walk away from her, but it’s so fucking hard. I need you to come back to me, Leena…need you more than you’ll ever know.
“My emotions are all over the map.”
I’m so fucking lost and lonely without you.
“Don’t worry, baby. I’ll get my shit together soon.”
Or drown in a river of guilt.
“Anyway, back to prom. Remember that god-awful white tux I rented? Man, I thought I was one suave bastard in that thing. Of course, you couldn’t catch me dead in that butt-ugly thing now. But back in the day…you might not have realized it, but you had yourself a stud muffin.”
Kellan knew that if she could, Leena would have laughed at his comments.
“And you…whoa, baby. You were looking all fine and shit in that sexy, blue skintight dress, with all those fluffy ruffles on the bottom, and that one sleeve holding it in place. You were looking like every man’s wet dream…especially mine. But you were always my dream girl, weren’t you?”
Until now. There’s another haunting my fantasies and I have no clue how to block her from my brain.
He leaned in close to Leena’s ear. “I know I’ve always been your rock…your Master, but I need you to come back to me, baby…come back and save me, Leena.”
“Well, Mr. Kellan. I didn’t think we were going to see you today.” Lucia, the day nurse who was as tall as she was round, greeted entering the room carrying Leena’s afternoon snack tray.
Slamming a lid on his emotions, Kellan stood and took the tray from Lucia with a smile. “I was held up at the courthouse. Since I missed lunch, I wanted to drop by and make sure she gets her snack.”
He looked at the items on the tray…applesauce and some kind of pureed meat paste. Though Leena had lost the cognitive skill to chew, she could still swallow. Kellan tried to arrange his docket and free every Friday to spend lunch with his wife, and also give Lucia a small break in her daily routine.
“I’m sure she’s happy you’re here.” Lucia smiled as she tucked a long terry-cloth bib beneath Leena’s chin. “Your young lady’s had quite a busy day. She had her bath this morning and washed her hair. She wanted to look pretty for your date.”
Kellan responded with a small appreciative smile while Lucia softly stroked Leena’s hair. After the nurse left the room, he peeled the plastic wrap off the food, picked the spoon from the tray, and sat down beside his wife.
“All right, baby, let’s dig in.”
Softly cupping Leena’s chin, Kellan parted her lips, then eased the spoon onto her tongue. He fed her as he would an infant while her gaze remained fixed to the wall, even lightly scraping up the food that had dribbled onto her lips…the same lips that used to make his blood sing, whether she was kissing him or worshiping his cock.
Stop fucking torturing yourself, asshole, he inwardly berated.
“Paul and Mary send their love,” he murmured as he patiently attended his task. “I still remember when the four of us went to Branson. We rented that houseboat and found those kids diving off the cliffs. I thought you were going to dive off the damn boat before Paul even dropped anchor. You were so anxious to climb up that ledge and jump into the lake. Those were good times, weren’t they, my love?
“Oh, yeah. Mika sends his love, too. He told me he came by to see you last week. He misses you…” Kellan’s voice faded to a whisper. “We all do, girl.”
“Daddy? What are you still doing here?” His daughter, Hannah, stood frozen in the doorway. Her face was lined in fear. “Is…is Mom okay?”
His visibly distraught daughter trembled. Kellan quickly set the plate down and wrapped the anxious young woman in his arms.
“She’s fine, pumpkin,” he assured as he placed a kiss on top of Hannah’s head. “I got held up at work and missed our lunch date. So, I came as soon as I could.”
Hannah exhaled an audible sigh of relief. Easing from Kellan’s arms, she rounded the bed and kissed her mom on the cheek. He watched his twenty-three-year-old daughter brush a tear from her eye as she sat down on the bed beside Leena.
Threading her slender fingers through her mom’s golden hair, Hannah smiled. “Hi, Momma. We both came to see you at the same time. I guess we can have a party now. You always loved a good party, right?”
Kellan smiled softly as memories swamped him once more. Unwilling to fall apart in front of his daughter, he pushed them away and resumed feeding Leena. “How are classes going, sunshine?”
“Good,” Hannah replied, studying Leena’s lax face. “I aced the biology test I’d studied night and day for, which made me happy.”
“Excellent.”
Hearing his daughter’s upbeat voice, Kellan didn’t have to force a smile this time.
“I’m…we’re proud of you, love. Are you still having issues with your lit professor?”
“Ugh,” she groaned. “The man’s a misogynist. He actually bragged to the class that his failure rate for females was now at ninety percent. I intend to be one of the ten percent who possess a prettier vagina than his and pass that stupid class.”
Kellan chuckled. “How do you know? Have you seen his vagina?”
“Don’t make me puke, Dad,” she quipped. “Just take my word for it, an elephant’s vagina is prettier than his.”
“Well, maybe he’s not a misogynist at all.” Kellan smirked. “Maybe he’s suffering from vagina envy.”
Hannah tossed her head back and laughed the way Leena used to. “God, I love you, Daddy. I doubt any of the other girls in my sorority talk vaginas with their dads.”
“I expect you’ll find out before the day is over,” Kellan said with a chuckle. “You just keep giving that professor hell, baby.”
He didn’t need to tell her that. His daughter would give the sexist asshat a run for his money. Hannah was like her parents, not only in looks, with her mother’s blonde hair and his striking blue eyes, but she was also headstrong and determined with a zest for life that warmed his heart. His beautiful Hannah was Kellan’s pride and joy.
“Oh, I plan
to.” Her eyes twinkled with mischief the way they used to when she was small.
Kellan was grateful that Hannah had come to visit Leena. His daughter had preempted his morose journey down memory lane, and he’d been able to push Mercy from his mind the rest of his visit. It was only after kissing Leena and Hannah good-bye and leaving the nursing home that the intriguing sub invaded his brain again.
He’d only made it a few blocks before thoughts of Mercy had his cock stirring to life.
He feared the only way to get her out of his system was to fuck her out of it.
Braking for a red light, Kellan cursed and pulled out his cell phone, quickly scrolling through his contacts.
“Fuck! What the hell is her name?” he spat disgustedly. “Natalie! That’s it.” He punched the number as the light turned green.
One way or another, Kellan was determined to wipe Mercy from his mind.
“Hello,” Natalie answered in her usual soft, seductive voice.
“I’m on my way. Be ready in ten minutes.”
“Ten minutes? But I just got back from the grocery store and—”
“Either be ready in ten minutes or I’ll cancel the lease on the apartment. If groceries are more important to you, maybe it’s time we went our separate ways,” he growled.
“No. There’s no need for that. Are you all right? You sound tense. It’s a beautiful day. We could go for a walk or have a picnic in the—”
“This isn’t a fucking date. Do I need to recite certain clauses of our contract?”
“No. I-I’ll be ready.”
“Good. I have thirty minutes. You can deal with your groceries before or after I’m gone. I’ll be there shortly.”
Kellan hung up the phone as self-loathing squeezed in all around him.
Though Leena had been the love of his life, once he accepted the fact that she was never going to recover, Kellan had to search his soul. His wife might still own his heart, but she could no longer sate his sexual needs. He didn’t want to get wrapped up in some messy emotional entanglement. There was too much at risk—like his reputation and livelihood—to pick up random women in bars, so he’d created a profile on a dating site.